Well it's been almost two months
Hello. Hi. I'm still around, just lurking.
Been some bad weeks - the depression hit hard and I've had some wicked migraines (one lasted over a week >.<) and some bad, bad pain flare ups otherwise. As I said to someone else, no I haven't accomplished much because nearly all of December and into early January I was in survival mode, one day at a time and each day was just pain or fatigue or recovery.
Money wise things are bit shite - if you follow me on twitter then you know, but we got an ice storm in December and in the middle of a pain flare up so I just rolled down my window to drive (which was fucking freezing) and it fucked up the window somehow. Luckily I had already arranged for my car to go to the garage for an oil change, but it turned out that they couldn't exactly fix it because the regulator on the door is broke. But they rigged up my window so even though I can't roll it down (which is proving ARGH with drive through such as the bank when the lobby was closed due to not enough employees), it is closed. At this point I'm seriously considering just getting a new car. I love my car and I love that as a Toyota it'll keep running, I can't keep up with the repairs and obviously no one wants to fix it given how old it is - I'm the one who will have to hunt down the parts AND fix it all myself (which is ARGH since my lease forbids me from fixing my car in the apartment lot). But the shop bill ended up being $130 >.<
And I was already behind on the student loan so come January that cost me an extra $60 to catch up. I had borrowed money to pay for one bill so this last pay check I had to pay that back. And I'm in the middle of trying to reorganize my diet so I'm causing myself less issues - lactose is causing migraines so I have to get the special milk; I need to start cutting back on gluten as that causes inflammation issues so that's extra money for gluten free items. I'm sticking to foods without chemical preservatives/smoke flavor as those cause migraines (which fyi is really expensive especially it's compounded with the fact that I can't eat pork or red meat without issue), but when I reviewed what I've been eating I realized that actually I'm under eating so I've had to buy more food to keep up and also have to cut back on sugar because again inflammation issues so last grocery trip was $240 and I am. I don't.
And my therapist asked me this week to think about my relationship to food because she wants to help with my eating disorder. I am very tired and very angry - not at her or anything, but like. In general. My diet cannot have eggs, peanuts, tree nuts, pork, lactose, chemical preservatives or smoke flavor, artificial sugar, too much red meat; I have to cut back on sugar and gluten. My diet should have high protein from the research I've done on fibromyalgia, hyper mobility, and EDS. I nearly broke down at the register when I paid for my groceries last time. And my therapist wants to me to think about my relationship to food. And I'm trying to live more Jewishly and I keep thinking about how I'm not supposed to have dairy with meat and I'm just like well g-d is gonna have to let it go for me because my diet is too constricted to avoid that if I want to eat enough and get enough protein to boot. Definitely haven't even started thinking about trying the kosher bit at the moment. I got my health to think about first and then I can do that.
Wonderful to have found two gluten free companies that sell their products online and not from Amazon. Schar and Enjoy Life are about to gain a customer. I've tried products from them both and love them; the stores up here though don't sell enough of their products though if I'm going to keep to gluten free.
Anyway. Therapy is still going good. Bit of a small hiccup when one of my appointments got cancelled as she didn't have child care one day and it was the week when I discovered how little I knew about migraines - it was the week where I had one for 8 days. Now I've suffered from migraines since elementary school - a good two DECADES of my life. And then I also looked up shit on fibro and I... I grew up in a home where my parents didn't give enough of a shit about their kids medical care. I can say that with confidence right now. My dad is carrying his family's fucking ableism and my mom was a good example of someone who used disability for 'woe is me' bs. And then they were too busy being awful toward each other to properly care for their kids. I carried it all into the work force of retail and food service where there isn't obviously space or time for people who are disabled and/or need accommodations. And I thought that all I needed to do was take Aleve (which I actually can't with how drowsy it makes me) and find a low stress job. I didn't think to go looking up anything. And I found out in December about the pre and post symptoms of migraines. I found out that migraines can last for days instead of just a few hours. I found out that I probably have EDS and not just hypermobility based on the symptom comparisons.
So yeah. Good time to have a therapist for me. I keep thinking about how many years even as a kid I probably spent in too much pain because my parents just didn't their fucking job as parents. Nobody seemed to find it strange that I slept as much as I did - I took a lot of Aleve as kid because that's what I was told I needed to do for my pain. Or the stress of being in that kind of family situation - stress makes fibro and joint pain much worse. And EDS is a much worse diagnosis than just hypermobility. Physical therapy is a great help for either diagnosis. And there is the added issue that neither of my parents remember what exactly I have been diagnosed with. Migraines yeah because everyone on my dad's side has those (but woe betide if you need more than excedrin migraine and a day to deal), but other than that? Nope. Dad thought I had new issues the last time I mentioned my pain. And it's very tiring and frustrating and I am very angry about it. My therapist says that's ok because it means I am processing everything. So. I am angry and okay about being angry.
Been doing a lot of taking with sister in ME about family things and how let down we all were. She's been very nice and patient when I call her crying and having an anxiety attack or angry because wtaf mom and dad. Or we'll do fact checking with each other. I've also been doing the trickle down therapy thing. Like when my therapist and I realized that sometimes when I go overboard doing something in a group thing sister does the same thing and therapist said it's probably because that we're trying too hard to be liked so we aren't rejected and boy was that an uncomfortable conversation with sister as we both realized how fucked that was. Or when my therapist helpfully pointed out that while I think that I have way too much issues, it's like when you have a diagnosis that has a lots of symptoms, my mental health things are just symptoms of one or two issues.
Did have to change up my anxiety med - the half tab wasn't cutting it anymore for me, but we can't increase my dose because otherwise I sleep an extra hour or three. So my doctor changed me to a different one. So far so good I think. My headaches in general have decreased since I realized I wasn't eating enough and started putting more effort into eating more. I do have an appointment in February that was set up back in November to discuss my mood and see where I'm at, but we're gonna tackle a few other things as well since I did let my doctor know that I'm woefully behind in knowing what I actually need to do for my everything due to things. She said it's gonna be hard to get a diagnosis for EDS, but she's willing to set up a referral to an EDS specialist. But again we'll talk about that in February. I've got a list ready and she knows that. It isn't a lot, but just things I have to remember to talk with her about. This way I don't forget anything like I've done the last few times. Lists are important.
Got my few things from old apartment. The trip was for me a mess. I appreciated it, but like. It took us 10 hours because she had to stop several times for the bathroom and drove 60 mph and we did a stop at a tourist spot (I'd mentioned one day I want to stop at x place; she heard y place and it was a fucking nightmare since it was in December and everyone was there to do some gift shopping and it was also a Sunday.) and no we couldn't stop for food at like a Dunkin no no because she only ate food that was completely sugar free and she preferred organic food. And she didn't wear a mask even if she had been completely vaccinated. Just. But it is done. Got my things and it's done.
Sibling is still in the apartment. Didn't pay any of the December rent until 1/14 and even then it was only $400 and my landlord has me on the hook for the $250 >.< And he's all well if anyone asks me I have to tell them about this. And I found out that I had texted him that I was moving out and also where he said he'd do a month to month with sibling! And I took a screen shot and sent it to him and I was like sir I have some proof here that you were the one who actually was pulling some illegal shit so I'm going to keep this text conversation as proof if anyone ever has any questions.
I haven't heard from him since.
Still waiting to hear about financial assistance. Fingers crossed. I just want that last $250 to go to the land lord - and I want a fucking text proving that - and I want the $500 sibling owes me. Then it's between sibling and land lord and I. Am. Done.
Sibling and I are going to talk about this awfulness, but like when sibling is better settled rather than in this awful loop. Who knows when that'll be, but like we've agreed on a detente for now with a painful conversation whenever.
I did some binge reading recently if you don't follow me on goodreads/story graph (and honestly I prefer story graph for the review system it has set up). Some of it was books I'd gotten myself, but I also did some reading from the library - I've found a few cosy mystery series I've started which is gonna involve the interloan system, but it's exciting. I've also read a few through the Libby app and I'm in line for one book there. My library has a wonderful LGBTQ section on the Libby app \o/ I'm very thrilled. Not much crafting - pain and fatigue make that difficult, but I'm slowly finishing up my crochet scarf for myself. I worked on it today for three or four hours (I lost track of time watching the Witcher again) so my hands are gonna kill me tomorrow (and honestly they're in pain right now) but it was so much fun. Loop and loop and loop... It's very soothing. I do try to add some rows in at work on my lunch break since it's now Too Cold for walks.
Like. I knew it was gonna be much colder up here but brr. Cold-cold. Luckily I'm a smart person who already had lots of good clothes for layering so. It's just a matter of remembering under shirts and leggings. We can also have a heater at work which is working out wonderfully for us - the one we had for us at the front desk actually works really well and since our space is enclosed, we stay pretty warm through the day. But it does mean that my heater at home has been working so hard and I am really glad that I'm not paying that bill. There have been days I've woken up and we're near -20F and then there's a wind chill. I'm kind of getting used to it, but it is still Cold.
Work is good. I do prefer doing this to any job I've had before and I am excelling at it. I have job satisfaction, too. On the flip side, it is a doctor's office in the time of Covid. We are doing a lot of fielding calls that I swear should be handled by an office set up by the government as part of handling a pandemic - to let people know what the symptoms are, what to do for quarantine, how long to wait, what to do to recover, where to find test sites. I mean yes ok we're a doctor's office, we should have this information, but given how few medical offices there are to the number of people in the country - if there was a dedicated office for people to call in for this information, we'd be able to actually help people who need non-covid stuff. And it isn't that we don't want to help people - it's that we're falling behind on everything just to deal with the sheer number of calls we get from people who want information on covid. Us at the front desk have several numbers at hand because no one knows who else to call - we're running essentially a covid hot line for half our calls (and I have been keeping track!).
And we're also having to handle in house some things that people should be going to a walk in clinic for, but we can't send them there because the walk in clinics are over capacity and not just because of covid. There are indeed things people have put off that have gotten bad so they're going to the walk in clinics if they don't call their doctor's office. And again it isn't that we don't want to give them medical care, it's that we can't address some of it in the time frame we can offer. And there are people at the walk in clinic who should be seen at the ER, but the ER is over capacity (in fact last week they were turning people away) and yep not enough staff. The hospital is part of a network of offsite clinics and specialty offices and general offices (like mine); to meet the needs, they've pulled some people from the off sites to fill in and they're running on a volunteer basis (but paid, just not scheduled) people to do sitting - that is, staying with patients who need 24/7 monitoring like someone with dementia and yeah those patients are in the hospital right now because the nursing home doesn't have space or the patients who need mental health care, but again any of the off site places don't have space.
It's all just a bit of a mess. My office has way too many patients to too few providers - 6k. We only have 6 providers. And we're part of a public network so we can't turn away new patients. Add in the pandemic and it's just. Blegh.
We've got a new one starting at the end of February which is good and exciting for us. We're taking on another admin for it at the beginning of February so new people yay! I've been kind of shuffled up to the non existent position of lead admin - I was offered the manager position, but turned it down because no nope not again and also I need less stress in my life. The position was eliminated and it was decided to just add another admin. I've been there the longest of the admins, but I'm also just good at the job. Another admin is, too, but she's in school for nursing right now and also does not want to do anything but the job at her desk. I on the hand like helping people figure out all the admin stuff and again I'm also good at it. I'm also good at keeping an eye on everything and meeting a need before it is noticed and good at the system we use. I'm also very good at knowing what needs to be handed off to clinical or what we can do up the front desk; that line is a bit blurry, but I've got a good handle on it whereas everyone else just hands things off to clinical. And there's some tasks that are set up to be handled by clinical, but sometimes can be handled by an admin and I'm always game for those. I just really like my job and I'm really good at it and it's been noticed. And no one expects managerial tasks of me; I do hand off a lot to the appropriate people when I know I'm out of my depth and there is never any flak for it. And in particular when I know I'm at a point where I can't handle a difficult patient due to whatever (my pain and fatigue if it gets bad enough either makes me irritable and impatient or will cause my anxiety to spike) the other admin who is really good at the job is always willing to pick up when I hand it off. She actually likes those situations.
It's a job, but exhausting overall. But yes. I'm enjoying it. I like going to work now. I'm no longer having to take a 30 in the bathroom to have an anxiety attack (ok yes I have a med for that, but also my job isn't giving me the same amount of anxiety as my previous ones). And I feel I'm being paid fairly for the work I put in. (Though if we're honest there should be a lead admin position that pays $1 more or something. All things considered. But I'm getting $17.26 now which is more than I've ever been paid not accounting for inflation and the insurance is wonderful wonderful wonderful. I've a low deductable which I chose on purpose given everything and wanting some kind of safety net just in case, but my copay at both my doctor's office and at my therapist is only $10. I don't need referrals. Going to physical therapy is free after the first visit. My anxiety med is $8 for two months. The good pill for when my nerves feel like they're vibrating out of my body at mach 10 is $10. This is very good for me.) My coworkers are all wonderful - everyone is patient with each other and supportive and prop each other up. It's hard since the building we're in means that every team is separate from each other, but we have moments when we can go chat real quick and everyone is friendly. My team - the admins - are all fellow spoonies and we're always looking out for each other and keeping each other's spirits up.
So. There's lots good in the muddle of the bad. I've been having days where the only goal is minute to minute or morning to night, but there is some good in the midst of it all which is helping to keep the engine going.
Been some bad weeks - the depression hit hard and I've had some wicked migraines (one lasted over a week >.<) and some bad, bad pain flare ups otherwise. As I said to someone else, no I haven't accomplished much because nearly all of December and into early January I was in survival mode, one day at a time and each day was just pain or fatigue or recovery.
Money wise things are bit shite - if you follow me on twitter then you know, but we got an ice storm in December and in the middle of a pain flare up so I just rolled down my window to drive (which was fucking freezing) and it fucked up the window somehow. Luckily I had already arranged for my car to go to the garage for an oil change, but it turned out that they couldn't exactly fix it because the regulator on the door is broke. But they rigged up my window so even though I can't roll it down (which is proving ARGH with drive through such as the bank when the lobby was closed due to not enough employees), it is closed. At this point I'm seriously considering just getting a new car. I love my car and I love that as a Toyota it'll keep running, I can't keep up with the repairs and obviously no one wants to fix it given how old it is - I'm the one who will have to hunt down the parts AND fix it all myself (which is ARGH since my lease forbids me from fixing my car in the apartment lot). But the shop bill ended up being $130 >.<
And I was already behind on the student loan so come January that cost me an extra $60 to catch up. I had borrowed money to pay for one bill so this last pay check I had to pay that back. And I'm in the middle of trying to reorganize my diet so I'm causing myself less issues - lactose is causing migraines so I have to get the special milk; I need to start cutting back on gluten as that causes inflammation issues so that's extra money for gluten free items. I'm sticking to foods without chemical preservatives/smoke flavor as those cause migraines (which fyi is really expensive especially it's compounded with the fact that I can't eat pork or red meat without issue), but when I reviewed what I've been eating I realized that actually I'm under eating so I've had to buy more food to keep up and also have to cut back on sugar because again inflammation issues so last grocery trip was $240 and I am. I don't.
And my therapist asked me this week to think about my relationship to food because she wants to help with my eating disorder. I am very tired and very angry - not at her or anything, but like. In general. My diet cannot have eggs, peanuts, tree nuts, pork, lactose, chemical preservatives or smoke flavor, artificial sugar, too much red meat; I have to cut back on sugar and gluten. My diet should have high protein from the research I've done on fibromyalgia, hyper mobility, and EDS. I nearly broke down at the register when I paid for my groceries last time. And my therapist wants to me to think about my relationship to food. And I'm trying to live more Jewishly and I keep thinking about how I'm not supposed to have dairy with meat and I'm just like well g-d is gonna have to let it go for me because my diet is too constricted to avoid that if I want to eat enough and get enough protein to boot. Definitely haven't even started thinking about trying the kosher bit at the moment. I got my health to think about first and then I can do that.
Wonderful to have found two gluten free companies that sell their products online and not from Amazon. Schar and Enjoy Life are about to gain a customer. I've tried products from them both and love them; the stores up here though don't sell enough of their products though if I'm going to keep to gluten free.
Anyway. Therapy is still going good. Bit of a small hiccup when one of my appointments got cancelled as she didn't have child care one day and it was the week when I discovered how little I knew about migraines - it was the week where I had one for 8 days. Now I've suffered from migraines since elementary school - a good two DECADES of my life. And then I also looked up shit on fibro and I... I grew up in a home where my parents didn't give enough of a shit about their kids medical care. I can say that with confidence right now. My dad is carrying his family's fucking ableism and my mom was a good example of someone who used disability for 'woe is me' bs. And then they were too busy being awful toward each other to properly care for their kids. I carried it all into the work force of retail and food service where there isn't obviously space or time for people who are disabled and/or need accommodations. And I thought that all I needed to do was take Aleve (which I actually can't with how drowsy it makes me) and find a low stress job. I didn't think to go looking up anything. And I found out in December about the pre and post symptoms of migraines. I found out that migraines can last for days instead of just a few hours. I found out that I probably have EDS and not just hypermobility based on the symptom comparisons.
So yeah. Good time to have a therapist for me. I keep thinking about how many years even as a kid I probably spent in too much pain because my parents just didn't their fucking job as parents. Nobody seemed to find it strange that I slept as much as I did - I took a lot of Aleve as kid because that's what I was told I needed to do for my pain. Or the stress of being in that kind of family situation - stress makes fibro and joint pain much worse. And EDS is a much worse diagnosis than just hypermobility. Physical therapy is a great help for either diagnosis. And there is the added issue that neither of my parents remember what exactly I have been diagnosed with. Migraines yeah because everyone on my dad's side has those (but woe betide if you need more than excedrin migraine and a day to deal), but other than that? Nope. Dad thought I had new issues the last time I mentioned my pain. And it's very tiring and frustrating and I am very angry about it. My therapist says that's ok because it means I am processing everything. So. I am angry and okay about being angry.
Been doing a lot of taking with sister in ME about family things and how let down we all were. She's been very nice and patient when I call her crying and having an anxiety attack or angry because wtaf mom and dad. Or we'll do fact checking with each other. I've also been doing the trickle down therapy thing. Like when my therapist and I realized that sometimes when I go overboard doing something in a group thing sister does the same thing and therapist said it's probably because that we're trying too hard to be liked so we aren't rejected and boy was that an uncomfortable conversation with sister as we both realized how fucked that was. Or when my therapist helpfully pointed out that while I think that I have way too much issues, it's like when you have a diagnosis that has a lots of symptoms, my mental health things are just symptoms of one or two issues.
Did have to change up my anxiety med - the half tab wasn't cutting it anymore for me, but we can't increase my dose because otherwise I sleep an extra hour or three. So my doctor changed me to a different one. So far so good I think. My headaches in general have decreased since I realized I wasn't eating enough and started putting more effort into eating more. I do have an appointment in February that was set up back in November to discuss my mood and see where I'm at, but we're gonna tackle a few other things as well since I did let my doctor know that I'm woefully behind in knowing what I actually need to do for my everything due to things. She said it's gonna be hard to get a diagnosis for EDS, but she's willing to set up a referral to an EDS specialist. But again we'll talk about that in February. I've got a list ready and she knows that. It isn't a lot, but just things I have to remember to talk with her about. This way I don't forget anything like I've done the last few times. Lists are important.
Got my few things from old apartment. The trip was for me a mess. I appreciated it, but like. It took us 10 hours because she had to stop several times for the bathroom and drove 60 mph and we did a stop at a tourist spot (I'd mentioned one day I want to stop at x place; she heard y place and it was a fucking nightmare since it was in December and everyone was there to do some gift shopping and it was also a Sunday.) and no we couldn't stop for food at like a Dunkin no no because she only ate food that was completely sugar free and she preferred organic food. And she didn't wear a mask even if she had been completely vaccinated. Just. But it is done. Got my things and it's done.
Sibling is still in the apartment. Didn't pay any of the December rent until 1/14 and even then it was only $400 and my landlord has me on the hook for the $250 >.< And he's all well if anyone asks me I have to tell them about this. And I found out that I had texted him that I was moving out and also where he said he'd do a month to month with sibling! And I took a screen shot and sent it to him and I was like sir I have some proof here that you were the one who actually was pulling some illegal shit so I'm going to keep this text conversation as proof if anyone ever has any questions.
I haven't heard from him since.
Still waiting to hear about financial assistance. Fingers crossed. I just want that last $250 to go to the land lord - and I want a fucking text proving that - and I want the $500 sibling owes me. Then it's between sibling and land lord and I. Am. Done.
Sibling and I are going to talk about this awfulness, but like when sibling is better settled rather than in this awful loop. Who knows when that'll be, but like we've agreed on a detente for now with a painful conversation whenever.
I did some binge reading recently if you don't follow me on goodreads/story graph (and honestly I prefer story graph for the review system it has set up). Some of it was books I'd gotten myself, but I also did some reading from the library - I've found a few cosy mystery series I've started which is gonna involve the interloan system, but it's exciting. I've also read a few through the Libby app and I'm in line for one book there. My library has a wonderful LGBTQ section on the Libby app \o/ I'm very thrilled. Not much crafting - pain and fatigue make that difficult, but I'm slowly finishing up my crochet scarf for myself. I worked on it today for three or four hours (I lost track of time watching the Witcher again) so my hands are gonna kill me tomorrow (and honestly they're in pain right now) but it was so much fun. Loop and loop and loop... It's very soothing. I do try to add some rows in at work on my lunch break since it's now Too Cold for walks.
Like. I knew it was gonna be much colder up here but brr. Cold-cold. Luckily I'm a smart person who already had lots of good clothes for layering so. It's just a matter of remembering under shirts and leggings. We can also have a heater at work which is working out wonderfully for us - the one we had for us at the front desk actually works really well and since our space is enclosed, we stay pretty warm through the day. But it does mean that my heater at home has been working so hard and I am really glad that I'm not paying that bill. There have been days I've woken up and we're near -20F and then there's a wind chill. I'm kind of getting used to it, but it is still Cold.
Work is good. I do prefer doing this to any job I've had before and I am excelling at it. I have job satisfaction, too. On the flip side, it is a doctor's office in the time of Covid. We are doing a lot of fielding calls that I swear should be handled by an office set up by the government as part of handling a pandemic - to let people know what the symptoms are, what to do for quarantine, how long to wait, what to do to recover, where to find test sites. I mean yes ok we're a doctor's office, we should have this information, but given how few medical offices there are to the number of people in the country - if there was a dedicated office for people to call in for this information, we'd be able to actually help people who need non-covid stuff. And it isn't that we don't want to help people - it's that we're falling behind on everything just to deal with the sheer number of calls we get from people who want information on covid. Us at the front desk have several numbers at hand because no one knows who else to call - we're running essentially a covid hot line for half our calls (and I have been keeping track!).
And we're also having to handle in house some things that people should be going to a walk in clinic for, but we can't send them there because the walk in clinics are over capacity and not just because of covid. There are indeed things people have put off that have gotten bad so they're going to the walk in clinics if they don't call their doctor's office. And again it isn't that we don't want to give them medical care, it's that we can't address some of it in the time frame we can offer. And there are people at the walk in clinic who should be seen at the ER, but the ER is over capacity (in fact last week they were turning people away) and yep not enough staff. The hospital is part of a network of offsite clinics and specialty offices and general offices (like mine); to meet the needs, they've pulled some people from the off sites to fill in and they're running on a volunteer basis (but paid, just not scheduled) people to do sitting - that is, staying with patients who need 24/7 monitoring like someone with dementia and yeah those patients are in the hospital right now because the nursing home doesn't have space or the patients who need mental health care, but again any of the off site places don't have space.
It's all just a bit of a mess. My office has way too many patients to too few providers - 6k. We only have 6 providers. And we're part of a public network so we can't turn away new patients. Add in the pandemic and it's just. Blegh.
We've got a new one starting at the end of February which is good and exciting for us. We're taking on another admin for it at the beginning of February so new people yay! I've been kind of shuffled up to the non existent position of lead admin - I was offered the manager position, but turned it down because no nope not again and also I need less stress in my life. The position was eliminated and it was decided to just add another admin. I've been there the longest of the admins, but I'm also just good at the job. Another admin is, too, but she's in school for nursing right now and also does not want to do anything but the job at her desk. I on the hand like helping people figure out all the admin stuff and again I'm also good at it. I'm also good at keeping an eye on everything and meeting a need before it is noticed and good at the system we use. I'm also very good at knowing what needs to be handed off to clinical or what we can do up the front desk; that line is a bit blurry, but I've got a good handle on it whereas everyone else just hands things off to clinical. And there's some tasks that are set up to be handled by clinical, but sometimes can be handled by an admin and I'm always game for those. I just really like my job and I'm really good at it and it's been noticed. And no one expects managerial tasks of me; I do hand off a lot to the appropriate people when I know I'm out of my depth and there is never any flak for it. And in particular when I know I'm at a point where I can't handle a difficult patient due to whatever (my pain and fatigue if it gets bad enough either makes me irritable and impatient or will cause my anxiety to spike) the other admin who is really good at the job is always willing to pick up when I hand it off. She actually likes those situations.
It's a job, but exhausting overall. But yes. I'm enjoying it. I like going to work now. I'm no longer having to take a 30 in the bathroom to have an anxiety attack (ok yes I have a med for that, but also my job isn't giving me the same amount of anxiety as my previous ones). And I feel I'm being paid fairly for the work I put in. (Though if we're honest there should be a lead admin position that pays $1 more or something. All things considered. But I'm getting $17.26 now which is more than I've ever been paid not accounting for inflation and the insurance is wonderful wonderful wonderful. I've a low deductable which I chose on purpose given everything and wanting some kind of safety net just in case, but my copay at both my doctor's office and at my therapist is only $10. I don't need referrals. Going to physical therapy is free after the first visit. My anxiety med is $8 for two months. The good pill for when my nerves feel like they're vibrating out of my body at mach 10 is $10. This is very good for me.) My coworkers are all wonderful - everyone is patient with each other and supportive and prop each other up. It's hard since the building we're in means that every team is separate from each other, but we have moments when we can go chat real quick and everyone is friendly. My team - the admins - are all fellow spoonies and we're always looking out for each other and keeping each other's spirits up.
So. There's lots good in the muddle of the bad. I've been having days where the only goal is minute to minute or morning to night, but there is some good in the midst of it all which is helping to keep the engine going.