Update thing
So. Been about a month I think...
New anxiety med is definitely working. I'd almost say that that is because less anxiety inducing things, but that would be wrong (more on that later in this post). I'm still at a half tab of the new med, but at least it is working. Very pleased. As I think my doctor is.
Had my doctor's appointment a few weeks back and we covered a lot. A lot a lot. My therapist and I think that now I'm in a space where I can heal and I'm not in survival mode, my body is finally letting me know where I need help. Which means I'm noticing when and where I experience pain my body. I'm not as well off physically as I thought I would be - I definitely thought a less stressful job and home life would mean much less pain. Nope. My day to day pain isn't bad, but it is definitely there. As for my migraines, I've been using migraine buddy to keep track and helpfully it lets me download the record as a pdf I can forward to my doctor through MyChart. We realized that I'm in pain for at least 1/4 out of the month. Oops. And that's not counting the headaches I don't keep track of.
The doctor prescribed me a migraine preventative that also doubles as something for depression (which is much worse than I knew, but that's probably because I've spent so long depressed that it feels normal for me) and also can help with the pain from my fibromyalgia. I've only been taking it one week which doesn't amount to anything really and I can't speak for how it does for the fibro pain since last week we had some really high temps that quickly dipped with the air pressure when a winter storm came through - which also meant that I was shoveling way too much snow off my car as well as to get out of work since I have to park street side. And at home since all the landlord does is clear off the part of the driveway for driving; we have to do the bits between cars and behind cars. Ow ow. I took one of the pills I have for emergency fibro flares last night.
Though of course I end up sleeping for 10 hours because the preventative will also help with sleep so between the two of them, I was out at 8 and didn't get up until 6.
When I picked up the preventative, though, the pharmacist had to explain that I am at risk for Serotonin Syndrome (aka build of that chemical) because I was also on an SSRI. And I had to laugh - in my head of course - because having too much serotonin is not a problem with me. I could probably use more, ha! But it isn't a full concern since the doses I'm on are such small amounts. It's just an automatic flag the computer sends.
I also have an emergency migraine med which I can report works wonderfully. I woke up with one I think last Wednesday? Took the emergency med, took some ibuprofen, and NO MIGRAINE. It didn't even come back. I could've cried. I needed this relief years ago.
We did a neurological exam just to see if the migraines were being caused by something wrong in my brain like a tumor, but I passed that with flying colors. We covered my hypermobility more in depth - showed off that I could bend my thumb to my arm, showed my elbow will hyper extended (which I didn't realize, I thought that that was how elbows worked!), and showed my knees. My doctor's face was wide eyed which I mean I love freaking people out with how bendy I am! Anyway. The referral for the EDS is actually a geneticist and what he will do is look my case - symptoms, family history - and determine if testing should be done or not. I think there's enough in my symptoms as well as family issues to warrant testing, but I guess we will find out.
I also brought up my past issues with medical care -- that I was often dismissed or ignored by my doctors one of whom is the one sibling sees who says that sibling loosing weight will cure the headaches Oo -- and that's affecting how honest I am with her though I am trying and she heard me out and assured me that she would listen. I also expressed my concern about how my weight would affect my medical care and she said nope nope nope that weight has been demonized, but that it shouldn't mean I don't get the care I need. Best doctor for me, yes. Also wonderful in that she lets me wander in conversation in the appointments on the issues I want to discuss. She just keeps up with me. I'm obviously still worried, but I know I'm in good hands intellectually and I just have keep remembering that.
Therapy continues to be good. My therapist is good at keeping me on track or letting me wander as needed for goals. We've obviously added in working on my medical anxiety as well so she's a good bean. She did say my last job gave me PTSD which no surprise, but it is nice to have that confirmation. I feel like maybe I've plateaued a bit, but she hasn't said so. I'm going to ask next time, like maybe a check in about my path in therapy and where she feels I am or need to go. Obviously I understand that I'm charge of my therapy path, but she's my guide through it. It's on the list! Which luckily she's okay with, in fact even encourages it so that we know what to talk about each week. (And wonderfully that means I do a check list for my doctor as well which is also helpful. And doctor doesn't mind either - I think she prefers one too so I'm not messaging her after the appointment Oh I forgot this!)
Therapist and I are also tackling the anger/frustration and boundaries I need to set with regards to family. I'm glad that she approves the boundaries I have set - I know that there are people (because I've talked with some of them, not medical professionals, just every day people) who think it's awful that I don't talk with my mom, that I don't want much to do with either my dad or paternal grandma, that I should make efforts to heal the gap and all that jazz. But she thinks it's healthy for me since my family isn't the best and because I have no shame or upset about the lost connection. I mean my life improved drastically without my mom in it and nothing has been lost from that either. My grandma has learned that I will call her "when I have time" (aka when I have a set limit on how long the conversation is - such as when I take my lunch break - and where I call her so I'm in control of the conversation because I've got my mind in the right place) and that's healthy for me. Obviously I haven't heard from my dad in a while -- I didn't really either when I lived in old state and we only had so much contact because of my car. I do think I'll probably hear from him soon because I've been thinking about him. You know, as that happens. I don't know that I'm ready for a conversation with him. Verbally definitely not because of the medical issues that not just me, but also my siblings are having that at the least sister and I both agree were aggravated by lack of medical attention and stress in the family.
Which is. It's hard to put into words. I can understand where lack of money may have influenced the lack of medical care, but we know for a fact that dad hid sister's lupus diagnosis and we know that both our parents ignored the signs of something in sibling and let sibling be in and out of a mental hospital when it was obvious that that wasn't the right thing. I'm still waiting to see what records come through from the children's hospital where I was diagnosed to see what that reveals. And given that all three of us have something weird - my appendix was in the wrong place, sibling's uterus was abnormally small, and it turns out sister's intenstional tract is abnormally long for someone of her size - surely that showed through when we were kids especially since two of us had the diagnosis we had when we were kids. But the stress of what our parents put us through with their issues - a broken relationship and a divorce are not easy for kids. I know this. But to use the kids against one another, to let their issues with each other affect how they treated us - no, that isn't right. So if dad calls it will not pretty especially because dad doesn't want to talk about it and last time I tried he called it 'being grumpy'.
Sir. I am not grumpy. I am angry. And you refusing to acknowledge it means you won't own up to the harm you have caused and I will continue to be angry about it and the longer it goes on the more distant I am going to be.
And also yeah ok sure he's doing better as a dad, but it shouldn't be brought up in conversations like I should excuse everything because oh I could have it worse. Just as me refusing food won't solve world hunger (aka be grateful you have food there are people starving around the world) dad being a good dad won't erase the harm done or continues to be done.
He thinks it's perfectly fine to let things be because that's how he is with his mom, but I can't. Because of how much hurt it has caused and because of how it has affected how I move through the world. Because now I'm having the play catch up with everything. Because if he won't acknowledge it and won't acknowledge how his issues play out then who's to say it won't come back in the worst way (which I've seen happen to a lot of people in their 60s and 70s) and what if that means you end up being awful to me and my siblings? And my life has lost nothing to be honest by not having contact with him. Yes, okay, I have to pay now for the labor on my car repairs, but I'm now in charge of my car. It's less stress for me. And when I do get my car fixed, I don't have to shrink myself down and hide parts of myself like I would if I had dad fix it. So if I loose nothing by not having contact and if I do want contact if he would only acknowledge the harm done and he refuses, then oh well. We'll have the same set up as I do with my grandma - I'll only talk in a way that I've chosen and you won't actually know me. I've lost nothing.
I HAVE AN OFFICE! Ok so it's not an office office - I think at one point it served as a closet. Our practice is in an old masonic temple which means it's weirdly laid out for a doctor's office and the space I'm in must have been a closet in it's past life. It has enough space though for work so that's good. It does serve as a sort of supply closet right now for the front desk area and it doesn't have a door, but it's good even still. It's my space and the lack of door doesn't prevent me from feeling like I'm in my own space. I get two computer screens! And more shelving and a wider desk. I love this. And it isn't a space for patients to check in so none of that either for me. It's actually working out better for me - I'm very dependent not just on routine, but also on being able to accomplish tasks without being interrupted. I get to have that now. I can accomplish tasks in order and without being interrupted (mostly...)
It's just very soothing.
Right now that is actually a good thing because there is some shaking up at the office. First we are at the end of the training period for the new admin and while I trust that she can do the job, she's picking it up slower than the other three I oversaw the training of and she's also more hesitant (which is made worse by the fact that the few times she wasn't it's been, well, not awful, but minorly bad, like missing $330 from the deposit bag which she never took, but did show up in the deposit - it was the result of her not understanding the cash out process for copays which she and the rest of us thought she understood, but it was luckily an easy fix). It just means that I have to be more vigilant paying attention to her which splits my attention from my tasks.
We also started the training period for the new provider which yay. We're finally tackling the wait list. Except I think we started too late - ideally we should be tackling 10 on the list a week. But the person who was in charge of that was the practice lead who wasn't actually supposed to be handling that. She only was because it was the practice manager's job that no one wanted. And even she wasn't tackling the 10 a week. There really is a lot that goes into managing the admin side of things and I don't blame either of them to never getting to the wait list in a week. I can barely keep up and I don't have the meetings or responsibilities that either of them had. I was the one who at the end of January say hey uh maybe we should start tackling this so our new provider has patients to see? So there has been that, but made a bit worse because I was told by one person two patients per day for the new provider but then someone else said no let's do four and then they were like well if you heard back and their records are in our system (because our system/server is the same across our network which has several gp offices in it so if you saw a provider at one location and decided to switch to ours then we have your info) just schedule them. And it's like YO neither of you were tackling this list and I found a routine that works for me do not interrupt me. Not that I said that of course; I went about my day with it sitting next to me, metaphorically. When I woke up the next day it was a good reset and I was able to move ahead, but I am. Well, it's no one's fault really, but honestly. Either you want the task or you trust me with it and let me be with it. And I know they trust me - they wouldn't have given me the task otherwise. (I think they're just...making sure that the task is getting done and that I'm ok with having it. One of them at least knows that I'm burnt out from my last job and while I trust my doctor's confidentially, the other person overseeing me right now is one of the providers so she can see my chart which is fine, but I do wonder if maybe that's influencing how she is checking in with me.)
And we're also still taking on some of the refugee families from Afghanistan -- 7 families, 44 patients! Some of them I can't schedule yet because they have to clear a immigrant medical exam before they can start care in our office, but that means liasoning with someone at the immigrant office and she's frazzled, the poor thing. There's a lot she's taken on since we're not the only practice and our 7 families aren't the only ones. And some of the bases where some of the immigrants were housed will soon be closing so there might be more coming in the future. I was actually thinking about that this weekend with the situation in Ukraine - we're at least set up for an emergency immigration this time, us and the immigrant office. It wouldn't be easy since obviously we're overloaded, but at least everyone knows what to do.
So yeah. It's a lot, but I'm better able to tackle it and as my therapist said, I'm doing better than I was before - when I would be thrown of for a day or more because of the anxiety and stress and now I am better able to tackle it since I have more and better tools and I'm in a position where my job won't make things worse. I mean obviously my job does give me stress/anxiety, but not like PTSD levels. Just normal job levels. I think.
Food continues to be meh. I found a grocery store that is laid in a way that makes it easier for me to navigate and is better organized for finding the gluten free items. Bit pricier and a bit out of my way, but definitely worth it. I'm definitely spending less money overall. It's still hard because I'm running out of ideas of what to eat, but at the least I'm eating what I'm supposed to without causing issues and I'm learning what to do so I drink at least 64 ounces of liquid a day.
I filed my taxes, woo. Only one of them was I able to file electronically however. Something about my return means that I have to pay now to use H and R block so I didn't file with them; I bounced over to the state websites. I was able to file my CT return electronically, but to file for the new state, I need to file my federal one as well in their system and I can't do that as I don't remember last year's info. Luckily, they did help me prepare it for me so I was able to print it off at work and then mail it in. Which means it's gonna take a bit, but at least I don't need the money now unlike in the past years (in particular last year when I needed $800 for the car).
I've decided on a futon for the living room rather than a love seat so that I can let people sleep over as needed. It'll be a tight fit, but I can make it work. (It'll be the kind of tight fit that minimalists would tell me means I need to get rid of things and oh why must I have THINGS, but it won't be messy and that's the whole fucking point I think. So long as everything has a home then who gives a stuff.) However, getting the futon and delivered and set up with trash removal is going to be $600 so it has to wait for the federal and new state refund. However, when I got old state refund, I did get some things - a new tv since my old one took a fall that damaged half the screen, a lamp for the living room (so now I can sit in my living room rather than my bedroom at night and it was more expensive than I was expecting - when I picked it out the sticker under it said $15! And it's a nice Victorian style. When it rang up at $45 I couldn't be mad because it's just so beautiful and it is exactly my style), the two bookshelves, and curio stand for my knick knacks. I also splurged and got some fancy face moisturizer, hand cream, and hair products and also stocked up on paper towels and toilet paper. It's very nice to sit in my living room as long as I would like and also to see things put away rather than in boxes.
So long as sibling gets me my $500 from their tax return I should be able to then get a coat rack that has shoe storage - for my outside coats/jackets and my shoes - and some things for the kitchen (a few fancy shelving units and a table/chair set). I could get all this from Walmart for cheap I know, but for once in my life I want something nice and I can get it right now so even if things get tight I'll be happy in my apartment because it'll be filled with things that make me smile when I see them.
And I wrote out a budget for myself. Now that I have a rough estimate of what the cat will cost me - $150 every two months for his food, litter, and vet appt for his nails; a rough estimate of what the car will cost me; and a full knowledge of upcoming bills, making the budget was relatively easy. I did get a small pay raise - a 6 month thank you for sticking around I guess which amounts to about 0.40 extra an hour which is translating into about $30 more per check. Which is nothing to sneeze at given the rising cost of everything. It took $40 for me to fill half my gas tank this weekend (the car had a little under half the tank) and I suspect that electric prices have gone up since I was quoted a rough estimate when I moved in. (I think they had been working off an old rate or something.) Luckily I had anticipated that when I made my budget so overall I'm okay right now. I'm meeting my goals and sticking to my budget and I should have a good amount set aside for emergencies once we hit July with it's extra pay period. Not much, but enough that I'll feel like I can breath. I budgeted in expense pay - like money for books or getting a meal out once in a while or buying craft supplies. I think I'm gonna be okay. I hope.
Photos of the living room:
This is about a mid picture. Before this one, where the lamp is in it, I had the tv table and next to that I had snugged in the camp chair. The side table was floating in the middle of the room. I moved the table once I got the tv because the window is the kind where you can open it to clean the outside only it isn't stable; it falling caused the down fall of my old tv. No way was I going to let that happen again. However, it wasn't a good place for it in the end I realized because obviously my cat likes to get up on the table and there was a chance he could knock it over. I ended up taking the tv off the table when I was at work just in case. But you can see where I still had shit in boxes and off to the left you can see where I was stacking books on the floor.
And the current set up. The stack of books now have homes. I had to redo the entire organization - the only bookshelf I had had all the genres except romance which was nearly all that in the stacks on the floor. (I sort by genre then author.) Some of the stack however had some of the genres mixed in because I ran out of room, of course. So now one book shelf is fantasy/sci fi, one book shelf is romance (with some comics because of course I need another bookshelf; the romance one is going to need the room), and the last one has everything else which is another reason for another unit as the cozy mysteries will need their own space eventually at the rate that I read them! I moved the lamp to the wall you can't see for reasons I don't understand myself, only that that was what felt right. The window you can barely see on the far right by the bookshelf near the tv is where the cat tree with a basket is. You can see where I need a bigger storage solution for my outdoor coats/jackets. The garbage bag was just me getting the garbage up - with everything, there was a lot. Plus one of the book cases was a return and it coming from amazon it was...well. Anyway. Obviously the solution is that I need to put the futon the long way, not facing the tv, but I won't. And I can't move the tv anywhere else due to both outlet issues and the stupid heater which takes up half a wall. If the futon was the long way it would face either the bookshelves to the left (which that wall doesn't have an outlet) or the heater. I would make the living room my bedroom instead, but the living room doesn't have a door and I need a door for sleeping.
New anxiety med is definitely working. I'd almost say that that is because less anxiety inducing things, but that would be wrong (more on that later in this post). I'm still at a half tab of the new med, but at least it is working. Very pleased. As I think my doctor is.
Had my doctor's appointment a few weeks back and we covered a lot. A lot a lot. My therapist and I think that now I'm in a space where I can heal and I'm not in survival mode, my body is finally letting me know where I need help. Which means I'm noticing when and where I experience pain my body. I'm not as well off physically as I thought I would be - I definitely thought a less stressful job and home life would mean much less pain. Nope. My day to day pain isn't bad, but it is definitely there. As for my migraines, I've been using migraine buddy to keep track and helpfully it lets me download the record as a pdf I can forward to my doctor through MyChart. We realized that I'm in pain for at least 1/4 out of the month. Oops. And that's not counting the headaches I don't keep track of.
The doctor prescribed me a migraine preventative that also doubles as something for depression (which is much worse than I knew, but that's probably because I've spent so long depressed that it feels normal for me) and also can help with the pain from my fibromyalgia. I've only been taking it one week which doesn't amount to anything really and I can't speak for how it does for the fibro pain since last week we had some really high temps that quickly dipped with the air pressure when a winter storm came through - which also meant that I was shoveling way too much snow off my car as well as to get out of work since I have to park street side. And at home since all the landlord does is clear off the part of the driveway for driving; we have to do the bits between cars and behind cars. Ow ow. I took one of the pills I have for emergency fibro flares last night.
Though of course I end up sleeping for 10 hours because the preventative will also help with sleep so between the two of them, I was out at 8 and didn't get up until 6.
When I picked up the preventative, though, the pharmacist had to explain that I am at risk for Serotonin Syndrome (aka build of that chemical) because I was also on an SSRI. And I had to laugh - in my head of course - because having too much serotonin is not a problem with me. I could probably use more, ha! But it isn't a full concern since the doses I'm on are such small amounts. It's just an automatic flag the computer sends.
I also have an emergency migraine med which I can report works wonderfully. I woke up with one I think last Wednesday? Took the emergency med, took some ibuprofen, and NO MIGRAINE. It didn't even come back. I could've cried. I needed this relief years ago.
We did a neurological exam just to see if the migraines were being caused by something wrong in my brain like a tumor, but I passed that with flying colors. We covered my hypermobility more in depth - showed off that I could bend my thumb to my arm, showed my elbow will hyper extended (which I didn't realize, I thought that that was how elbows worked!), and showed my knees. My doctor's face was wide eyed which I mean I love freaking people out with how bendy I am! Anyway. The referral for the EDS is actually a geneticist and what he will do is look my case - symptoms, family history - and determine if testing should be done or not. I think there's enough in my symptoms as well as family issues to warrant testing, but I guess we will find out.
I also brought up my past issues with medical care -- that I was often dismissed or ignored by my doctors one of whom is the one sibling sees who says that sibling loosing weight will cure the headaches Oo -- and that's affecting how honest I am with her though I am trying and she heard me out and assured me that she would listen. I also expressed my concern about how my weight would affect my medical care and she said nope nope nope that weight has been demonized, but that it shouldn't mean I don't get the care I need. Best doctor for me, yes. Also wonderful in that she lets me wander in conversation in the appointments on the issues I want to discuss. She just keeps up with me. I'm obviously still worried, but I know I'm in good hands intellectually and I just have keep remembering that.
Therapy continues to be good. My therapist is good at keeping me on track or letting me wander as needed for goals. We've obviously added in working on my medical anxiety as well so she's a good bean. She did say my last job gave me PTSD which no surprise, but it is nice to have that confirmation. I feel like maybe I've plateaued a bit, but she hasn't said so. I'm going to ask next time, like maybe a check in about my path in therapy and where she feels I am or need to go. Obviously I understand that I'm charge of my therapy path, but she's my guide through it. It's on the list! Which luckily she's okay with, in fact even encourages it so that we know what to talk about each week. (And wonderfully that means I do a check list for my doctor as well which is also helpful. And doctor doesn't mind either - I think she prefers one too so I'm not messaging her after the appointment Oh I forgot this!)
Therapist and I are also tackling the anger/frustration and boundaries I need to set with regards to family. I'm glad that she approves the boundaries I have set - I know that there are people (because I've talked with some of them, not medical professionals, just every day people) who think it's awful that I don't talk with my mom, that I don't want much to do with either my dad or paternal grandma, that I should make efforts to heal the gap and all that jazz. But she thinks it's healthy for me since my family isn't the best and because I have no shame or upset about the lost connection. I mean my life improved drastically without my mom in it and nothing has been lost from that either. My grandma has learned that I will call her "when I have time" (aka when I have a set limit on how long the conversation is - such as when I take my lunch break - and where I call her so I'm in control of the conversation because I've got my mind in the right place) and that's healthy for me. Obviously I haven't heard from my dad in a while -- I didn't really either when I lived in old state and we only had so much contact because of my car. I do think I'll probably hear from him soon because I've been thinking about him. You know, as that happens. I don't know that I'm ready for a conversation with him. Verbally definitely not because of the medical issues that not just me, but also my siblings are having that at the least sister and I both agree were aggravated by lack of medical attention and stress in the family.
Which is. It's hard to put into words. I can understand where lack of money may have influenced the lack of medical care, but we know for a fact that dad hid sister's lupus diagnosis and we know that both our parents ignored the signs of something in sibling and let sibling be in and out of a mental hospital when it was obvious that that wasn't the right thing. I'm still waiting to see what records come through from the children's hospital where I was diagnosed to see what that reveals. And given that all three of us have something weird - my appendix was in the wrong place, sibling's uterus was abnormally small, and it turns out sister's intenstional tract is abnormally long for someone of her size - surely that showed through when we were kids especially since two of us had the diagnosis we had when we were kids. But the stress of what our parents put us through with their issues - a broken relationship and a divorce are not easy for kids. I know this. But to use the kids against one another, to let their issues with each other affect how they treated us - no, that isn't right. So if dad calls it will not pretty especially because dad doesn't want to talk about it and last time I tried he called it 'being grumpy'.
Sir. I am not grumpy. I am angry. And you refusing to acknowledge it means you won't own up to the harm you have caused and I will continue to be angry about it and the longer it goes on the more distant I am going to be.
And also yeah ok sure he's doing better as a dad, but it shouldn't be brought up in conversations like I should excuse everything because oh I could have it worse. Just as me refusing food won't solve world hunger (aka be grateful you have food there are people starving around the world) dad being a good dad won't erase the harm done or continues to be done.
He thinks it's perfectly fine to let things be because that's how he is with his mom, but I can't. Because of how much hurt it has caused and because of how it has affected how I move through the world. Because now I'm having the play catch up with everything. Because if he won't acknowledge it and won't acknowledge how his issues play out then who's to say it won't come back in the worst way (which I've seen happen to a lot of people in their 60s and 70s) and what if that means you end up being awful to me and my siblings? And my life has lost nothing to be honest by not having contact with him. Yes, okay, I have to pay now for the labor on my car repairs, but I'm now in charge of my car. It's less stress for me. And when I do get my car fixed, I don't have to shrink myself down and hide parts of myself like I would if I had dad fix it. So if I loose nothing by not having contact and if I do want contact if he would only acknowledge the harm done and he refuses, then oh well. We'll have the same set up as I do with my grandma - I'll only talk in a way that I've chosen and you won't actually know me. I've lost nothing.
I HAVE AN OFFICE! Ok so it's not an office office - I think at one point it served as a closet. Our practice is in an old masonic temple which means it's weirdly laid out for a doctor's office and the space I'm in must have been a closet in it's past life. It has enough space though for work so that's good. It does serve as a sort of supply closet right now for the front desk area and it doesn't have a door, but it's good even still. It's my space and the lack of door doesn't prevent me from feeling like I'm in my own space. I get two computer screens! And more shelving and a wider desk. I love this. And it isn't a space for patients to check in so none of that either for me. It's actually working out better for me - I'm very dependent not just on routine, but also on being able to accomplish tasks without being interrupted. I get to have that now. I can accomplish tasks in order and without being interrupted (mostly...)
It's just very soothing.
Right now that is actually a good thing because there is some shaking up at the office. First we are at the end of the training period for the new admin and while I trust that she can do the job, she's picking it up slower than the other three I oversaw the training of and she's also more hesitant (which is made worse by the fact that the few times she wasn't it's been, well, not awful, but minorly bad, like missing $330 from the deposit bag which she never took, but did show up in the deposit - it was the result of her not understanding the cash out process for copays which she and the rest of us thought she understood, but it was luckily an easy fix). It just means that I have to be more vigilant paying attention to her which splits my attention from my tasks.
We also started the training period for the new provider which yay. We're finally tackling the wait list. Except I think we started too late - ideally we should be tackling 10 on the list a week. But the person who was in charge of that was the practice lead who wasn't actually supposed to be handling that. She only was because it was the practice manager's job that no one wanted. And even she wasn't tackling the 10 a week. There really is a lot that goes into managing the admin side of things and I don't blame either of them to never getting to the wait list in a week. I can barely keep up and I don't have the meetings or responsibilities that either of them had. I was the one who at the end of January say hey uh maybe we should start tackling this so our new provider has patients to see? So there has been that, but made a bit worse because I was told by one person two patients per day for the new provider but then someone else said no let's do four and then they were like well if you heard back and their records are in our system (because our system/server is the same across our network which has several gp offices in it so if you saw a provider at one location and decided to switch to ours then we have your info) just schedule them. And it's like YO neither of you were tackling this list and I found a routine that works for me do not interrupt me. Not that I said that of course; I went about my day with it sitting next to me, metaphorically. When I woke up the next day it was a good reset and I was able to move ahead, but I am. Well, it's no one's fault really, but honestly. Either you want the task or you trust me with it and let me be with it. And I know they trust me - they wouldn't have given me the task otherwise. (I think they're just...making sure that the task is getting done and that I'm ok with having it. One of them at least knows that I'm burnt out from my last job and while I trust my doctor's confidentially, the other person overseeing me right now is one of the providers so she can see my chart which is fine, but I do wonder if maybe that's influencing how she is checking in with me.)
And we're also still taking on some of the refugee families from Afghanistan -- 7 families, 44 patients! Some of them I can't schedule yet because they have to clear a immigrant medical exam before they can start care in our office, but that means liasoning with someone at the immigrant office and she's frazzled, the poor thing. There's a lot she's taken on since we're not the only practice and our 7 families aren't the only ones. And some of the bases where some of the immigrants were housed will soon be closing so there might be more coming in the future. I was actually thinking about that this weekend with the situation in Ukraine - we're at least set up for an emergency immigration this time, us and the immigrant office. It wouldn't be easy since obviously we're overloaded, but at least everyone knows what to do.
So yeah. It's a lot, but I'm better able to tackle it and as my therapist said, I'm doing better than I was before - when I would be thrown of for a day or more because of the anxiety and stress and now I am better able to tackle it since I have more and better tools and I'm in a position where my job won't make things worse. I mean obviously my job does give me stress/anxiety, but not like PTSD levels. Just normal job levels. I think.
Food continues to be meh. I found a grocery store that is laid in a way that makes it easier for me to navigate and is better organized for finding the gluten free items. Bit pricier and a bit out of my way, but definitely worth it. I'm definitely spending less money overall. It's still hard because I'm running out of ideas of what to eat, but at the least I'm eating what I'm supposed to without causing issues and I'm learning what to do so I drink at least 64 ounces of liquid a day.
I filed my taxes, woo. Only one of them was I able to file electronically however. Something about my return means that I have to pay now to use H and R block so I didn't file with them; I bounced over to the state websites. I was able to file my CT return electronically, but to file for the new state, I need to file my federal one as well in their system and I can't do that as I don't remember last year's info. Luckily, they did help me prepare it for me so I was able to print it off at work and then mail it in. Which means it's gonna take a bit, but at least I don't need the money now unlike in the past years (in particular last year when I needed $800 for the car).
I've decided on a futon for the living room rather than a love seat so that I can let people sleep over as needed. It'll be a tight fit, but I can make it work. (It'll be the kind of tight fit that minimalists would tell me means I need to get rid of things and oh why must I have THINGS, but it won't be messy and that's the whole fucking point I think. So long as everything has a home then who gives a stuff.) However, getting the futon and delivered and set up with trash removal is going to be $600 so it has to wait for the federal and new state refund. However, when I got old state refund, I did get some things - a new tv since my old one took a fall that damaged half the screen, a lamp for the living room (so now I can sit in my living room rather than my bedroom at night and it was more expensive than I was expecting - when I picked it out the sticker under it said $15! And it's a nice Victorian style. When it rang up at $45 I couldn't be mad because it's just so beautiful and it is exactly my style), the two bookshelves, and curio stand for my knick knacks. I also splurged and got some fancy face moisturizer, hand cream, and hair products and also stocked up on paper towels and toilet paper. It's very nice to sit in my living room as long as I would like and also to see things put away rather than in boxes.
So long as sibling gets me my $500 from their tax return I should be able to then get a coat rack that has shoe storage - for my outside coats/jackets and my shoes - and some things for the kitchen (a few fancy shelving units and a table/chair set). I could get all this from Walmart for cheap I know, but for once in my life I want something nice and I can get it right now so even if things get tight I'll be happy in my apartment because it'll be filled with things that make me smile when I see them.
And I wrote out a budget for myself. Now that I have a rough estimate of what the cat will cost me - $150 every two months for his food, litter, and vet appt for his nails; a rough estimate of what the car will cost me; and a full knowledge of upcoming bills, making the budget was relatively easy. I did get a small pay raise - a 6 month thank you for sticking around I guess which amounts to about 0.40 extra an hour which is translating into about $30 more per check. Which is nothing to sneeze at given the rising cost of everything. It took $40 for me to fill half my gas tank this weekend (the car had a little under half the tank) and I suspect that electric prices have gone up since I was quoted a rough estimate when I moved in. (I think they had been working off an old rate or something.) Luckily I had anticipated that when I made my budget so overall I'm okay right now. I'm meeting my goals and sticking to my budget and I should have a good amount set aside for emergencies once we hit July with it's extra pay period. Not much, but enough that I'll feel like I can breath. I budgeted in expense pay - like money for books or getting a meal out once in a while or buying craft supplies. I think I'm gonna be okay. I hope.
Photos of the living room:
This is about a mid picture. Before this one, where the lamp is in it, I had the tv table and next to that I had snugged in the camp chair. The side table was floating in the middle of the room. I moved the table once I got the tv because the window is the kind where you can open it to clean the outside only it isn't stable; it falling caused the down fall of my old tv. No way was I going to let that happen again. However, it wasn't a good place for it in the end I realized because obviously my cat likes to get up on the table and there was a chance he could knock it over. I ended up taking the tv off the table when I was at work just in case. But you can see where I still had shit in boxes and off to the left you can see where I was stacking books on the floor.
And the current set up. The stack of books now have homes. I had to redo the entire organization - the only bookshelf I had had all the genres except romance which was nearly all that in the stacks on the floor. (I sort by genre then author.) Some of the stack however had some of the genres mixed in because I ran out of room, of course. So now one book shelf is fantasy/sci fi, one book shelf is romance (with some comics because of course I need another bookshelf; the romance one is going to need the room), and the last one has everything else which is another reason for another unit as the cozy mysteries will need their own space eventually at the rate that I read them! I moved the lamp to the wall you can't see for reasons I don't understand myself, only that that was what felt right. The window you can barely see on the far right by the bookshelf near the tv is where the cat tree with a basket is. You can see where I need a bigger storage solution for my outdoor coats/jackets. The garbage bag was just me getting the garbage up - with everything, there was a lot. Plus one of the book cases was a return and it coming from amazon it was...well. Anyway. Obviously the solution is that I need to put the futon the long way, not facing the tv, but I won't. And I can't move the tv anywhere else due to both outlet issues and the stupid heater which takes up half a wall. If the futon was the long way it would face either the bookshelves to the left (which that wall doesn't have an outlet) or the heater. I would make the living room my bedroom instead, but the living room doesn't have a door and I need a door for sleeping.