Maybe it's time for a proper update
It just feels like nothing much has changed. Which is good.
Work is as it was - I still have my office, my work is still being noted and praised. The shift to the office as lead admin though means that I've become more involved with clinical things and taking the lead on keeping track of insurance issues and such. (It's all a huge mess. It's awful. And honestly at least for our part of things even we hate the insurance companies - they aren't just making life awful for patients, they make life difficult for the medical field. A good quarter of my day right now is helping clinical out with figuring out how we can get patients the care they need because the insurance is fucking over the patient.)
Our newest admin is...mostly working out. I wish she could be more intuitive and willing to take the initiative, but at least we're a team of five so it's fine. And the other admins are also willing to help her so that's good. It's good to have a new provider in the office too though we are looking for an MD to add since we need another. I'm not sure where we'd fit her into the office, but I think we'd work it out...somehow. There are rumors that we are trying to find another space for us, but who knows. The medical network we're part of is non profit, but also has to get approval for budget increases from a state board who just refused our latest offer of a budget increase (which yes is leading to issues with insurances willing to accept the pricing we offer). Messy messy.
For my health side of things - I'm continuing with the meds I've been prescribed, no changes there. So that's good. My anti migraine one is doing well for me sleep wise - sleeping solid at night rather than up and down all night. And the migraines are decreasing as well as my fibro pain. My depression is better as well, though as my doctor said that could be down to a number of factors like more sun light, warmer weather (which also means I'm getting outside to do my walks on my lunch breaks), etc. Who knows. I have found another migraine trigger - allergies. I have an app that tells me what the pollen will be day to day and I've noticed a spike in my migraines coinciding with pollen spikes -_- When I was talking with my sister, she said she also gets allergy migraines. Sigh. Since benadryl (or whatever no brand I get of that particular formula) makes me drowsy enough to sleep a good 10 to 12 hours at a time, I'm giving a go of the Walgreens brand of Zyrtec. See if that will help me.
My referral out to find out what's what with my hypermobility has been rejected as I'm considered too old for an EDS screening. But in my last doctor's appointment a few weeks ago, my wonderful doctor printed out the usual screening form to walk through it with me. I'm in this weird half way stage of "it's probably just hypermobility, but there's enough evidence that maybe EDS? Urgh, just behave like you might have EDS and watch yourself when you do yoga and keep me in the loop about it." Well okay then. And even though I'm not in the stage to be considered pre diabetic, upon review on my symptoms and how low my glucose level was in my last lab work up, I am to behave like I have hypo glycemia which is nothing new for me since I suspected that for years. Which is obviously a problem now that we've realized that gluten is problem for my inflammation (carbs are the one solid thing I've found that will keep my blood sugar up) and I have to restrict my diet to what won't trigger my migraines and chicken is the only meat I can really eat within my budget and I have several food allergies and to keep my sugar on an even keel, I eat several small meals through out the day. My therapist though was amazed and proud though that I've found ways to eat within that narrow alley way. I'm a bit shaky about eating Passover kosher in a few weeks, but luckily Judaism is all about what one can manage, baby steps even so I'm starting with eating Matzah and unleavened wheat things (which gluten free foods are in this weird space so.)
And also I had my first dose of the HPV vaccine since it's been approved for under 40 people. Exciting times. I had to get it at the pharmacy because of something to do with approval in a doctor's office? I don't know, just sounds like red tape where there shouldn't be any. But it was okay to do at the pharmacy since I had to go pick up a refill on the emergency migraine med and some OTC meds/supplies. Really glad I've got my FSA as ours works by pre loading it with how much I'd signed up to put in for out of my paycheck for the whole year so if I go over a little in a given month it'll balance out in a month when I don't need as much. Though I'm very confused that my pads are covered, but vitamins and dental stuff like mouth wash isn't covered. So confused.
Therapy has been good. I keep meaning to actually talk about goals and what to do moving forward. My therapist and I reviewed my original game plan and revised so now I need to redo. Which I want to! But things. Especially this past week - dad contacted me. He wanted my mailing address which I am choosing not to share. I don't ever expect him to make a spontaneous three to four drive to surprise me with a visit, but I don't feel safe with him having it either. He tried to guilt me into giving it ("if you don't share it, it's akin to au revoir."), but I stood firm. I talked about it to my therapist and she agreed with me that he's making it sound like a good bye just because I'm refusing to share. So her and I talked about it and she thinks I'm in a good place about this decision, no regrets or bad feelings about closing the door.
Next week is gonna be a nightmare of a therapy session though because Thursday night (post therapy day) dad came back with a "not good bye" and said he knew me well enough that I was not sharing for a reason. Which I wasn't okay with because I know parents know their kids fairly well having raised them, but dad doesn't know me now. So I told him that I wasn't sharing for a good reason and that I would refuse to disclose it because he isn't ready for the conversation about why I didn't want him to find me. Wasn't ready to have a conversation that wasn't where he was right and wasn't ready to talk about the harm he'd done to my siblings and I. And then he trotted out the very tired argument - you're the child, I'm the parent, you have no place to talk to me like this.
Which is a summary of what happened in the text exchange - I can't talk much about it right now because following the exchange I ended up doom spiraling the whole night into an anxiety attack Friday morning and into a fibro pain flare up because of the anxiety. I did send screen shots to my therapist and told her where I was - because the thing of it is that... When sister was briefly in old state, she was staying with an ex who goes by a nickname. I was given leave to tell dad and then he asked me later, oh the only person with x name on that street is actually x. Which means he went and looked it up. So I was doom spiraling that dad would do the same to me. And though I didn't tell that fear to either sibling, both of them are also freaking out that dad is going to show up and try to split the three of us up over this (something he and mom both have in common). Which is less than awesome.
A few of my coworkers got a bare bones of things and they gave me hugs and sympathy so that's good. My therapist said to remember my tools -- make sure I have something in my hands to play with, be small (because being curled up feels safe and good for me), and to limit patient interaction since that will make my anxiety worse. She also worried that I'd start disassociating so she gave me an exercise to ground myself and asked that I check in with her as I needed to in the lead up to our next session. I am to think about what will make me feel safe. I'm still working on that one.
My phone has been on do-not-disturb because actually hearing my phone ring and seeing dad calling will be worse than just checking my phone and seeing a missed call from him. But he hasn't been in contact again. So either he's waiting until next week to ask me again if I'll be "clear" rather than cryptic or he's not gonna contact me for months thinking that if he waits long enough I'll remember that he's not the bad guy and I'll let it all blow over and we can go back to status quo (which is a pattern with him I realized in my last therapy session). Just. Blegh.
And this coming week my manager and the clinic's day to day op lead will be on vacation so I'll be bumped up to second rather than third and I'll have to go in to deal with our incoming faxes as she's the back up when I have to call out. I'm worried about Monday because her second was out Friday for car troubles. I did not want to be lead on a good day; this week would be much worse. I mean I have an amazing group for coworkers and there are places where I could hide out for a little bit while doing work or just to breath, but it is. Not good.
When it rains it pours.
How's everyone else? Give me some good news or a nice photo you took or your pet being cute and adorable (or a little shit!)
Work is as it was - I still have my office, my work is still being noted and praised. The shift to the office as lead admin though means that I've become more involved with clinical things and taking the lead on keeping track of insurance issues and such. (It's all a huge mess. It's awful. And honestly at least for our part of things even we hate the insurance companies - they aren't just making life awful for patients, they make life difficult for the medical field. A good quarter of my day right now is helping clinical out with figuring out how we can get patients the care they need because the insurance is fucking over the patient.)
Our newest admin is...mostly working out. I wish she could be more intuitive and willing to take the initiative, but at least we're a team of five so it's fine. And the other admins are also willing to help her so that's good. It's good to have a new provider in the office too though we are looking for an MD to add since we need another. I'm not sure where we'd fit her into the office, but I think we'd work it out...somehow. There are rumors that we are trying to find another space for us, but who knows. The medical network we're part of is non profit, but also has to get approval for budget increases from a state board who just refused our latest offer of a budget increase (which yes is leading to issues with insurances willing to accept the pricing we offer). Messy messy.
For my health side of things - I'm continuing with the meds I've been prescribed, no changes there. So that's good. My anti migraine one is doing well for me sleep wise - sleeping solid at night rather than up and down all night. And the migraines are decreasing as well as my fibro pain. My depression is better as well, though as my doctor said that could be down to a number of factors like more sun light, warmer weather (which also means I'm getting outside to do my walks on my lunch breaks), etc. Who knows. I have found another migraine trigger - allergies. I have an app that tells me what the pollen will be day to day and I've noticed a spike in my migraines coinciding with pollen spikes -_- When I was talking with my sister, she said she also gets allergy migraines. Sigh. Since benadryl (or whatever no brand I get of that particular formula) makes me drowsy enough to sleep a good 10 to 12 hours at a time, I'm giving a go of the Walgreens brand of Zyrtec. See if that will help me.
My referral out to find out what's what with my hypermobility has been rejected as I'm considered too old for an EDS screening. But in my last doctor's appointment a few weeks ago, my wonderful doctor printed out the usual screening form to walk through it with me. I'm in this weird half way stage of "it's probably just hypermobility, but there's enough evidence that maybe EDS? Urgh, just behave like you might have EDS and watch yourself when you do yoga and keep me in the loop about it." Well okay then. And even though I'm not in the stage to be considered pre diabetic, upon review on my symptoms and how low my glucose level was in my last lab work up, I am to behave like I have hypo glycemia which is nothing new for me since I suspected that for years. Which is obviously a problem now that we've realized that gluten is problem for my inflammation (carbs are the one solid thing I've found that will keep my blood sugar up) and I have to restrict my diet to what won't trigger my migraines and chicken is the only meat I can really eat within my budget and I have several food allergies and to keep my sugar on an even keel, I eat several small meals through out the day. My therapist though was amazed and proud though that I've found ways to eat within that narrow alley way. I'm a bit shaky about eating Passover kosher in a few weeks, but luckily Judaism is all about what one can manage, baby steps even so I'm starting with eating Matzah and unleavened wheat things (which gluten free foods are in this weird space so.)
And also I had my first dose of the HPV vaccine since it's been approved for under 40 people. Exciting times. I had to get it at the pharmacy because of something to do with approval in a doctor's office? I don't know, just sounds like red tape where there shouldn't be any. But it was okay to do at the pharmacy since I had to go pick up a refill on the emergency migraine med and some OTC meds/supplies. Really glad I've got my FSA as ours works by pre loading it with how much I'd signed up to put in for out of my paycheck for the whole year so if I go over a little in a given month it'll balance out in a month when I don't need as much. Though I'm very confused that my pads are covered, but vitamins and dental stuff like mouth wash isn't covered. So confused.
Therapy has been good. I keep meaning to actually talk about goals and what to do moving forward. My therapist and I reviewed my original game plan and revised so now I need to redo. Which I want to! But things. Especially this past week - dad contacted me. He wanted my mailing address which I am choosing not to share. I don't ever expect him to make a spontaneous three to four drive to surprise me with a visit, but I don't feel safe with him having it either. He tried to guilt me into giving it ("if you don't share it, it's akin to au revoir."), but I stood firm. I talked about it to my therapist and she agreed with me that he's making it sound like a good bye just because I'm refusing to share. So her and I talked about it and she thinks I'm in a good place about this decision, no regrets or bad feelings about closing the door.
Next week is gonna be a nightmare of a therapy session though because Thursday night (post therapy day) dad came back with a "not good bye" and said he knew me well enough that I was not sharing for a reason. Which I wasn't okay with because I know parents know their kids fairly well having raised them, but dad doesn't know me now. So I told him that I wasn't sharing for a good reason and that I would refuse to disclose it because he isn't ready for the conversation about why I didn't want him to find me. Wasn't ready to have a conversation that wasn't where he was right and wasn't ready to talk about the harm he'd done to my siblings and I. And then he trotted out the very tired argument - you're the child, I'm the parent, you have no place to talk to me like this.
Which is a summary of what happened in the text exchange - I can't talk much about it right now because following the exchange I ended up doom spiraling the whole night into an anxiety attack Friday morning and into a fibro pain flare up because of the anxiety. I did send screen shots to my therapist and told her where I was - because the thing of it is that... When sister was briefly in old state, she was staying with an ex who goes by a nickname. I was given leave to tell dad and then he asked me later, oh the only person with x name on that street is actually x. Which means he went and looked it up. So I was doom spiraling that dad would do the same to me. And though I didn't tell that fear to either sibling, both of them are also freaking out that dad is going to show up and try to split the three of us up over this (something he and mom both have in common). Which is less than awesome.
A few of my coworkers got a bare bones of things and they gave me hugs and sympathy so that's good. My therapist said to remember my tools -- make sure I have something in my hands to play with, be small (because being curled up feels safe and good for me), and to limit patient interaction since that will make my anxiety worse. She also worried that I'd start disassociating so she gave me an exercise to ground myself and asked that I check in with her as I needed to in the lead up to our next session. I am to think about what will make me feel safe. I'm still working on that one.
My phone has been on do-not-disturb because actually hearing my phone ring and seeing dad calling will be worse than just checking my phone and seeing a missed call from him. But he hasn't been in contact again. So either he's waiting until next week to ask me again if I'll be "clear" rather than cryptic or he's not gonna contact me for months thinking that if he waits long enough I'll remember that he's not the bad guy and I'll let it all blow over and we can go back to status quo (which is a pattern with him I realized in my last therapy session). Just. Blegh.
And this coming week my manager and the clinic's day to day op lead will be on vacation so I'll be bumped up to second rather than third and I'll have to go in to deal with our incoming faxes as she's the back up when I have to call out. I'm worried about Monday because her second was out Friday for car troubles. I did not want to be lead on a good day; this week would be much worse. I mean I have an amazing group for coworkers and there are places where I could hide out for a little bit while doing work or just to breath, but it is. Not good.
When it rains it pours.
How's everyone else? Give me some good news or a nice photo you took or your pet being cute and adorable (or a little shit!)