What's this? It's March?
I was here, lurking about, but not really here I know. (And I do know I dropped the ball with a community, but life went sideways.)
Around the beginning of February, sister was told by family in the south that our maternal grandma had had four strokes since November and was also suffering complications of overdose because between the in and out in one week, her care team wasn't paying enough attention to her chart. She was also mentally declining rapidly and she was installed in a nursing home to just wait. In one her most lucid moments, she talked with her kids (my mom and uncle) and the lawyer and said that if anything else like a stroke or heart attack happens, she is not to be taken to the hospital, absolutely dnr.
Since outside of my siblings, this grandma is the one family member I actually like and would be in contact with if it wasn't for my mom (which grandma gets 1000%), and the same goes for my siblings, we were waiting for the call that her time had arrived. But we decided seeing her in person would be better than going to her funeral; we made the decision to drive down and say good bye in person.
And the road trip sucked. We made the gracious decision to invite sibling along because as much as sister and I don't really get along with them any more, grandma is dying and sibling doesn't have a way of getting down there on their own. Which while it was morally the right choice, wasn't in reality the healthy choice for sister or myself. Sibling was near silent in the back seat, not participating in singing along to songs or participating in the chatter or even making new memes amongst ourselves. And being that they were in the back seat, they were then responsible for handing sister and I things like aleve or a snack and we were met with sarcasm or grump. When they were awake that is; more than half the time they were just sleeping. At one point if we hadn't been in traffic, my sister would have decked them because the stupid gps updated as we were driving and took us down in to the burroughs of NY which we didn't want to do; sister was freaking out (traffic and of course the way everyone drives in there) and I was trying to keep her calm while being a second pair of eyes even as I was keeping an eye on the directions rather than waiting for the stupid thing to direct us without enough time to merge if we needed to...and all sibling was doing in the backseat was giggling. They bought a clue when sister yelled at them and joined me in watching the surrounding traffic, but it was Not Good.
We also had car troubles. Sister had just gotten this car, it's used but fresh from the dealership so it should be good, yeah? No. It wasn't regulating it's temp, one of the tires kept up a slow leak, and we found out that the battery was dead.
We had planned on getting down to grandma within 18 hours at a push, but it actually took us 30 hours. We kept having to wait for the car to cool or for sister and I to nap (because sibling can't drive). I had planned on taking one of my gabapentins once we got to the state where grandma is -- the drive down should've have gotten us there to get at least 6 hours of sleep so I figured drive down, take med and sleep and I would be good to go to start the drive back up plus I could also take my night meds. Since it all went sideways then, I couldn't take my good pain pill (the gaba) and I couldn't take my night pills since I couldn't be sure they wouldn't put me to sleep. I needed to be wake for helping sister. Note that two of my night pills are SSRIs. One of my pills is to help my fibromyalgia which flares up with driving.
And so we arrived at grandma's with a shitty car, nearly at double the time we had planned, sister and I sleep deprived and hungry; one of us off their meds and the other taking more than usual plus smoking more than usual.
But! We made it and without needing to see either our mom or uncle which yay miracles do happen. Grandma was lucid and focused (though she thought there was a fourth person visiting her so that's a whole thing even when she is with it). She didn't care that I was wearing a binder or that my hair was purple. She was just happy to see us. She gripped my hand as tight as she could. It was good. So much love for her. And she hasn't told our mom that we were down there, ha. I love her so much.
We didn't get much time with her, but it was good. As I told my sister, we made it in time, she was lucid, and none of our other family was there. We got what we wanted and needed.
Before we left that state, sister told sibling that if they wanted a ride home, they needed to stop being sarcastic or a grump and to actually be more helpful when we needed things from the back. Faced with the options, sibling choose to behave. We were going along alright, even ditched the GPS once we locked in a path and wrote down the directions, and then we got stranded on the highway in PA. (Yes we took a round about route, but it was better than driving through the NY cities by Manhattan.) We had just pulled over to switch drivers because I was falling asleep so I was out at that time while sister was freaking out ...and sibling was dead silent in the back. The car was out of coolant because the seal had broken on it and all the coolant had boiled off. Sibling just sat there. Once I was awake, I calmed sister down and we were able to talk out solutions so we could figure out what to do best.
We got towed to a place with coolant yay and while we were waiting to figure out what to do next (yay for auto places who have staff who will provide advice!), we decided that rather than drive all the way into CT to drop off sibling, we would drop them at the CT border and then make out way back to VT, my place. We didn't want to go out of our way to drop sibling off with the car the way it was and at least once in CT sibling was closer to people who could help them out the rest of the way. Sibling was not happy and was all "oh my phone just shit the brick I don't have a way of contacting anyone or anyone's numbers!" Sigh. I pulled up the three shared contacts we have in common and sister offered up their phone. One answered and offered up some money for an uber. Yay. Sibling did some research when we stopped at a truck stop for food and rest and said oh great there's a train station in the town you are looking to drop me and I could take a train from there to here and then a bus from that place to home.
Great! Sister and I plan out our route -- from where we were dropping off sibling to a truck stop that could offer minimal auto help (yay!) and then to VT where even at the border I was sure of being able to find help through coworkers.
Once we got the CT town, sister and I were low key ok great to see you bye but like also subtly. We had at least three and a half hours to go with a car threatening to completely give out on us so like. We want to go. Now. And sibling just sat there. And sat there. So I pulled up the train station info "hey they're open already! And you don't have to talk to anyone because there's an electronic ticket seller!" and sister pulled up uber info and lo found a ride for decent price.
Off loaded sibling to the uber and went to get breakfast/clear out the back seat -- we had reminded sibling to grab all of their shit, but we found a few bits of trash plus a cord for a battery pack and score a scone sibling had gotten at a Panera. We reorganized things for easy reach for ourselves and started the trek back to mine. To no one's surprise sister and I were much better off on our own. There was less stress and anxiety and we were finally happy stimming.
We had planned on getting back to mine by Sunday afternoon at the latest (we left really early Friday) and we arrived...Monday night -_- Which I know isn't that bad, but we didn't arrive rested and all that. We got into mine, did a couple of quick showers, ate some real food, took the good medicine and just collapsed. Luckily, our cats were chill -- I had asked a coworker friend to watch them (sister doesn't trust people she knows in ME to take care of her cat properly plus her cat had just lost their nest mate; sister's other cat had to be put down because the cancer had gone too far which yes had also contributed to sister's mental state for the road trip) and he had kept up with the feeding and visiting even though we were late. Woo.
I had luckily asked for Monday and Tuesday off work to recover so that wasn't much, but Wednesday I needed to be in because we were planning a new tech update that day and it was going to impact (positively) appointments. I did a half day on Wednesday and Thursday; Friday I did a full day because the one appointment that would be affected by the update was the end of day, woe. Managed it though and made it through the weekend like a zombie.
Okay so that was the road trip from hell. Now for the other things.
My dad is dead. *throws confetti* I won't apologize for being...I won't say happy or thrilled, but it's just. It happened before we went to see my grandma and when my sister called me at midnight I was like "oh no. Grandma is dead" but no. My paternal aunt had reached out to sister through facebook messenger and said dad had had a heart attack. When my sister told me, I could feel a mental weight just leave me. Gone. I wanted to go back to bed; okay dad is dead, I got life to get on with. I had to focus though because sister wasn't okay -- not sad, just thrown off. But we got through that phone call alright.
I reminded my coworkers the next day that hey if anyone calls looking for *dead name* I am not here and they were cool with it. They get it. (No one from family knows where I work, but one of the family members had called around to the medical offices to find which one I worked at back in the autumn.) And luckily, no one passed around a condolence card for me. I love my coworkers. I had to relay it to my manager just because I didn't know what sister was going to want to do -- ie go to the funeral which I didn't want to do, but I would make the drive with her for support. Luckily, she didn't.
I've continued to feel lighter. Less haunted and afraid. Maybe it'll hit me later in life, but there is no sadness or mourning in me about his death. Any regret that I didn't patch things up is already processed because I'd done the work when I decided to block him and worked through all the ick in therapy. *shrug*
Anyway. Road trip from hell pushed back my surgery. The extra money sister put into the car (she is waiting to be reimbursed) and the extra time off work she had to do meant that she couldn't reasonably take time off to help me for a week. Given that this came up so close to my surgery, I didn't want to put pressure on anyone to fill in her role plus I didn't want anyone else that week since she knows me so well and I feel comfortable with her in whatever state I could possibly be in. I did get another date relatively soon -- it is now May 9th. I got the pre op too rescheduled easily. (And yes helps that I work in the same office as my pcp. We didn't need to reschedule any one else, but I was able to see when my pcp would have openings and I didn't have to wait for someone to see my message about the appointment.)
Being in May, however, does cut short time at home recovery. It is the beginning of the summer season so there are people requesting time off before I put in my request, including my manager. I told her that so long as I get two weeks off for recovery, I'll do half days for another two weeks to make up the loss of other staff who requested before me. Since my job is at a desk and my day to day doesn't impact daily appointments or such, we can be flexible with my hours. The big thing is just being on hand at some point to either fill in for whichever admin isn't in or when my manager is out. Luckily, the clinical lead is trained in front desk tasks and can help us out as needed as well. He also knows my manager's duties since he has in the past filled in when she was out. And while I am not clinically trained, I know enough through bleed through that I can buffer clinical staff with admin questions. (Yes we are short staffed, but all of this cross training is less about the short staffing and more about making sure the loss of one person doesn't mean that their work load cannot be supported and also about just helping each other out day to day.)
I am also hopeful that by May we should have a new admin trained. We had one person we really liked, but she turned it down due to money. (No surprise to be honest. The company talks about paying their people competitively, but they actually don't. I think it's that rather than look to what the reality of what a living wage is, they just look at similar positions in the industry and match that. Fact: for the work load medical people have, we are not paid nearly enough. Even as non clinical staff. So maybe we get paid well compared to other places, but people don't just look at the industry standard for pay; people look at is this pay enough for me to do what I need to do outside work.) We have been conducting more interviews this past week and have two possibles as well as another maybe if the first two turn us down. They're both as strong as I would need them to be to balance the front desk which is the highest criteria for me. We don't leave people on their own so having people who aren't independent workers isn't bad, but on a team of four, there should be one of each so I can do what I need to do. If we can get someone in by the end of this month then the person should be good for when I take time off to get my tits off. Fingers crossed.
Our general work load is getting near out of hand. Even though we have onboarded a new provider, she is only part time and is in office only two days a week. She was supposed to take on the bulk of the overflow from our current providers, but as of this month, the wider community has a net loss of 7 providers with so far only 3 poised to be replaced. Of those 7, I think 3 or 4 abruptly left so their patients and the clinics had to scramble. Plus, the area has been gaining popularity as a place to move to. Several clinics are temporarily not taking patients even on a wait list because of the abrupt departures. In the area, my office is one of two with the soonest availability, but even we are looking at scheduling a year out for new patients.
Management finally moved forward with promoting me. Yay. Had to do some pay negotiations and it still sucks -- it's a whole $1 and change more *eye roll*, but at least it's something and now I have authority behind my decisions. Which is for the best because we lost our clinical director -- she didn't leave leave, but has stepped down from the position. She is now just a provider. Again, it is a good thing that I have learned enough through the job to handle some clinical concerns -- like when a patient goes to the ED and needs a pcp for follow up care. It's now my manager (the practice manager) and I looking at the charts to see is this immediate or not? She's a nurse so she has clinical background, but I am in the day to day running of things so we both are able to see the situation in a balanced way. Like, I can see from appointments and follow ups what our providers prioritize and how care is done and she can see the whole picture of a patient's medical info.
The funny thing about the announcement of my promotion is that several people said "but I thought you were this person already??" Happy-sad thoughts on that.
As for the pay portion...well. There is background unionizing going on because it has been determined that no one who is a non-provider is making more than $22. (Yeah the medical assistants and lpns who have to go through schooling to get their position and need to continue their education get paid the same as the admins who don't need a degree or continued education.) Most of us make less than $20. I've been gently quietly mentioning union benefits to my coworkers, but on Friday, one of the medical assistants dropped that there is an after hours group of not just people from our office meeting to discuss unionizing. Collectively, people are having to keep it quiet because even though it isn't illegal to discuss, management in response to another group within our network unionizing, has put up their anti union stance. Fun.
Any real announcements and any possible votes will be some time out -- the group providing info on unionizing is providing education to the workers so that when a vote comes, it does succeed. Given the number of employees, it's gonna be a while. Which is fine. I would rather it come on slow and actually has a chance of happening then rushing and failing. For my part, I likely won't be part of anything until vote time. My managers know I am part of IWW as an independent and while it isn't legally allowed to fire me or anything for it, I also do not need trouble coming because they think the union stuff is coming from me. I mean I'll take the heat if it's me or the people getting the education out among coworkers, but until that time I'm gonna keep quiet.
Cat is doing well. Much like my grandma surprising us with just hanging on, my cat is just carrying on. I think he had an abscess in a tooth that cleared recently; for a while he wasn't eating his dry food, only the wet and even the wet seemed to be a challenge for him. But he's bounced back this weekend, yay! He's otherwise behaving normally, not slowing down. Still getting all up in my business and complaining when he isn't sleeping.
Came back from the road trip from hell to find out that the two empty apartments are now occupied. They are of course quiet. I like quiet neighbors. The only downside is that since moving in, two complaints have been filed -- one about people smoking too close to the building (and actually inside, but it is none of my business if someone is violating their lease so I've kept quiet) and one about dog poop. I am waiting for the epic fall out of all this -- the building has six units. Four of us have been here for over a year, peacefully existing together; three of them have dogs. And yes one of them smokes in the building. But we've just been quiet and polite. And now we have new tenants who within the first month have lodged complaints. This is not going to end well. (I mean I freaked out a bit because while I don't have dogs, the first complaint was about the smoking and it came out just as my sister had been visiting; I know that she smoked in her car to be polite, but the timing felt terrible. When I got the email about the dog poop, I emailed my land lord and it confirmed that the emails have been going out to everyone and also that I am in good standing to have my lease renwed in September. Phew.)
Today I am enjoying the warm weather -- turned off my heater and opened the windows. Yay fresh air.
I decided to get adventurous with cooking -- I got a curry powder. I've never had curry and I don't know what I am doing as I don't have a recipe, but I thought it's a good place to start. I just wanted something different. I am honestly the person who could eat nothing but chicken nuggets, fruit, and pasta/rice. After today I probably will be back at it, but just. Something different. So I made up a sauce of oat milk, broth, and the curry powder to make a sort of sauce. Stir fried potatoes, mushrooms, and onions together. Made rice with broth. Browned some ground chicken. Put it all together and it was good. I was cautious with how much curry powder I use since I am not one for spice, but next time I make this I'll add a bit more.
I've been working on a cross stitch project I had abandoned when I messed it up a bit -- I adjusted for the mess up and then did another one, but I am carrying one because the mess ups aren't that bad. Anyone who doesn't know the pattern won't be able to tell it wasn't on purpose. Been listening to the Magnus Archives as I go along -- I was hesitant to start it despite knowing that it was popular among people who also listen to WTNV as it is listed as a horror podcast, but I am glad I'm giving it a go; it's like Twilight Zone which I love.
I've also found a new band I like -- the Longest Johns. I've started listening to the Amazing Devil station (because I love TAD so I figure good place to start for finding new music) and yeah, they're great. I can't say why since the album I've bought from them is a mix of Celtic type songs and crack sea shanties, but it makes me happy.
I've been considering approaching my pcp about switching the diagnosis on my hrt from transgender to hyper mobility at the end of the year. I am really liking the dose I am at right now with t and once I am stable on it, I can switch from getting it from Planned Parenthood to my pcp. I'd like to get the diagnosis on it switched because of the way things seem to be heading; I know that the state I am in there isn't worry, but I worry about the next presidential election and a federal ban going before the current Supreme Court. After the fall of Roe vs Wade I don't trust the current court. There isn't much documented on the effects of t on hypermobility, but I know both my providers are noting that the t is helping with a lot of things for me so I would want to see if my pcp would consider changing the diagnosis so I can keep it if things fall sideways with a federal ban. Because it isn't even the gender affirming part -- which yes is important -- the t has helped my hyper mobility, it's helped my pmd, and it's helped my mood. I actually need it for a lot of things. (Meidcal side note: I am happily discharged from mental therapy!!)
Book wise I am continuing on with rediscovering sci fi and fantasy books. I like having the mental space now for long books with complicated themes. I am still reading cosy mysteries and romance novels -- won't ever stop, ha -- but it's nice to also immerse myself in something longer and more complex. It has also been nicing finding light hearted and/or easy to read in this genre -- I love the Murderbot series so much.
I am slated to have an affirmation ceremony at the synagogue end of April. My rabbi actually brought it up before I could so that means a lot to me -- she thinks I am ready. I don't have to since my great-grandma was Jewish, but it does show that I am committed to this path. I do have the option to have this through zoom or in person and I chose zoom because it feels safer for me (did y'all know that there is a virus going around that isn't flu, covid, or rsv and that it is lasting several weeks? And that it is as awful as all of those?) and also having it by zoom I can invite more people. We're going to open it up to the whole community so we'll see who shows up. I mean if it's just my rabbi and I with a few people, cool cool. We'll see. There were a few weeks my rabbi offered me, but of the two options, this is best. The other one included the dreaded Leviticus verse about homosexuals and I know how to pick it apart, but I didn't want that for my affirmation. I like the week I chose because the portion is about dealing with the dead and I love that given the transformation my life is at. So we're rolling with it.
In July, I am off on another road trip. In the midst of all the anxiety of the last one, I was like hell no I am never leaving home again, but once it was just sister and I even with car troubles, I was like ya know maybe. I didn't want it to be July, but with things happening with my grandma, apparently my mom now has to pay her own rent which means she wants my sister to pay for part of the rent on a storage unit where sister has some items. Now not only does sister not have the extra for that, she also doesn't want to worry about loosing those items (some of them are first edition books which luckily my mom doesn't even realize the value of and wouldn't sell) if my mom fucks up with bills. So sister wants to get down there as soon as possible and July is our best bet. It should be better this time -- any kinks will get worked out of the car and it'll just be the two of us. Plus we know this time to write down our directions and not trust the GPS just decide on a different way for us. We also know our limits and how to best manage it.
Now there is of course my fear about going that far south of the mason dixon line post top surgery plus the high likely hood of meeting my mom again and/or my uncle (who is a confirmed homophobe), but we won't be down there long. I'm not worried about random people, I know the south isn't as homophobic as is assumed (and in fact I've met people in the "enlightened" north that have been the worst) but I am worried about police and random people thinking they are police stand ins. I know the last time we went down, sister didn't think twice and asked why I wasn't using the men's rest room if I needed to go so badly and I had to remind her of this shit. And now as an adult, if my mom or uncle give us shit, we will just leave as soon as sister gets her shit into her car. We know now that we can leave any given situation we feel unsafe in. It'll be fine. And if I get shaken up, I'll have my emergency anxiety med.
So that is the state of me right now.
Around the beginning of February, sister was told by family in the south that our maternal grandma had had four strokes since November and was also suffering complications of overdose because between the in and out in one week, her care team wasn't paying enough attention to her chart. She was also mentally declining rapidly and she was installed in a nursing home to just wait. In one her most lucid moments, she talked with her kids (my mom and uncle) and the lawyer and said that if anything else like a stroke or heart attack happens, she is not to be taken to the hospital, absolutely dnr.
Since outside of my siblings, this grandma is the one family member I actually like and would be in contact with if it wasn't for my mom (which grandma gets 1000%), and the same goes for my siblings, we were waiting for the call that her time had arrived. But we decided seeing her in person would be better than going to her funeral; we made the decision to drive down and say good bye in person.
And the road trip sucked. We made the gracious decision to invite sibling along because as much as sister and I don't really get along with them any more, grandma is dying and sibling doesn't have a way of getting down there on their own. Which while it was morally the right choice, wasn't in reality the healthy choice for sister or myself. Sibling was near silent in the back seat, not participating in singing along to songs or participating in the chatter or even making new memes amongst ourselves. And being that they were in the back seat, they were then responsible for handing sister and I things like aleve or a snack and we were met with sarcasm or grump. When they were awake that is; more than half the time they were just sleeping. At one point if we hadn't been in traffic, my sister would have decked them because the stupid gps updated as we were driving and took us down in to the burroughs of NY which we didn't want to do; sister was freaking out (traffic and of course the way everyone drives in there) and I was trying to keep her calm while being a second pair of eyes even as I was keeping an eye on the directions rather than waiting for the stupid thing to direct us without enough time to merge if we needed to...and all sibling was doing in the backseat was giggling. They bought a clue when sister yelled at them and joined me in watching the surrounding traffic, but it was Not Good.
We also had car troubles. Sister had just gotten this car, it's used but fresh from the dealership so it should be good, yeah? No. It wasn't regulating it's temp, one of the tires kept up a slow leak, and we found out that the battery was dead.
We had planned on getting down to grandma within 18 hours at a push, but it actually took us 30 hours. We kept having to wait for the car to cool or for sister and I to nap (because sibling can't drive). I had planned on taking one of my gabapentins once we got to the state where grandma is -- the drive down should've have gotten us there to get at least 6 hours of sleep so I figured drive down, take med and sleep and I would be good to go to start the drive back up plus I could also take my night meds. Since it all went sideways then, I couldn't take my good pain pill (the gaba) and I couldn't take my night pills since I couldn't be sure they wouldn't put me to sleep. I needed to be wake for helping sister. Note that two of my night pills are SSRIs. One of my pills is to help my fibromyalgia which flares up with driving.
And so we arrived at grandma's with a shitty car, nearly at double the time we had planned, sister and I sleep deprived and hungry; one of us off their meds and the other taking more than usual plus smoking more than usual.
But! We made it and without needing to see either our mom or uncle which yay miracles do happen. Grandma was lucid and focused (though she thought there was a fourth person visiting her so that's a whole thing even when she is with it). She didn't care that I was wearing a binder or that my hair was purple. She was just happy to see us. She gripped my hand as tight as she could. It was good. So much love for her. And she hasn't told our mom that we were down there, ha. I love her so much.
We didn't get much time with her, but it was good. As I told my sister, we made it in time, she was lucid, and none of our other family was there. We got what we wanted and needed.
Before we left that state, sister told sibling that if they wanted a ride home, they needed to stop being sarcastic or a grump and to actually be more helpful when we needed things from the back. Faced with the options, sibling choose to behave. We were going along alright, even ditched the GPS once we locked in a path and wrote down the directions, and then we got stranded on the highway in PA. (Yes we took a round about route, but it was better than driving through the NY cities by Manhattan.) We had just pulled over to switch drivers because I was falling asleep so I was out at that time while sister was freaking out ...and sibling was dead silent in the back. The car was out of coolant because the seal had broken on it and all the coolant had boiled off. Sibling just sat there. Once I was awake, I calmed sister down and we were able to talk out solutions so we could figure out what to do best.
We got towed to a place with coolant yay and while we were waiting to figure out what to do next (yay for auto places who have staff who will provide advice!), we decided that rather than drive all the way into CT to drop off sibling, we would drop them at the CT border and then make out way back to VT, my place. We didn't want to go out of our way to drop sibling off with the car the way it was and at least once in CT sibling was closer to people who could help them out the rest of the way. Sibling was not happy and was all "oh my phone just shit the brick I don't have a way of contacting anyone or anyone's numbers!" Sigh. I pulled up the three shared contacts we have in common and sister offered up their phone. One answered and offered up some money for an uber. Yay. Sibling did some research when we stopped at a truck stop for food and rest and said oh great there's a train station in the town you are looking to drop me and I could take a train from there to here and then a bus from that place to home.
Great! Sister and I plan out our route -- from where we were dropping off sibling to a truck stop that could offer minimal auto help (yay!) and then to VT where even at the border I was sure of being able to find help through coworkers.
Once we got the CT town, sister and I were low key ok great to see you bye but like also subtly. We had at least three and a half hours to go with a car threatening to completely give out on us so like. We want to go. Now. And sibling just sat there. And sat there. So I pulled up the train station info "hey they're open already! And you don't have to talk to anyone because there's an electronic ticket seller!" and sister pulled up uber info and lo found a ride for decent price.
Off loaded sibling to the uber and went to get breakfast/clear out the back seat -- we had reminded sibling to grab all of their shit, but we found a few bits of trash plus a cord for a battery pack and score a scone sibling had gotten at a Panera. We reorganized things for easy reach for ourselves and started the trek back to mine. To no one's surprise sister and I were much better off on our own. There was less stress and anxiety and we were finally happy stimming.
We had planned on getting back to mine by Sunday afternoon at the latest (we left really early Friday) and we arrived...Monday night -_- Which I know isn't that bad, but we didn't arrive rested and all that. We got into mine, did a couple of quick showers, ate some real food, took the good medicine and just collapsed. Luckily, our cats were chill -- I had asked a coworker friend to watch them (sister doesn't trust people she knows in ME to take care of her cat properly plus her cat had just lost their nest mate; sister's other cat had to be put down because the cancer had gone too far which yes had also contributed to sister's mental state for the road trip) and he had kept up with the feeding and visiting even though we were late. Woo.
I had luckily asked for Monday and Tuesday off work to recover so that wasn't much, but Wednesday I needed to be in because we were planning a new tech update that day and it was going to impact (positively) appointments. I did a half day on Wednesday and Thursday; Friday I did a full day because the one appointment that would be affected by the update was the end of day, woe. Managed it though and made it through the weekend like a zombie.
Okay so that was the road trip from hell. Now for the other things.
My dad is dead. *throws confetti* I won't apologize for being...I won't say happy or thrilled, but it's just. It happened before we went to see my grandma and when my sister called me at midnight I was like "oh no. Grandma is dead" but no. My paternal aunt had reached out to sister through facebook messenger and said dad had had a heart attack. When my sister told me, I could feel a mental weight just leave me. Gone. I wanted to go back to bed; okay dad is dead, I got life to get on with. I had to focus though because sister wasn't okay -- not sad, just thrown off. But we got through that phone call alright.
I reminded my coworkers the next day that hey if anyone calls looking for *dead name* I am not here and they were cool with it. They get it. (No one from family knows where I work, but one of the family members had called around to the medical offices to find which one I worked at back in the autumn.) And luckily, no one passed around a condolence card for me. I love my coworkers. I had to relay it to my manager just because I didn't know what sister was going to want to do -- ie go to the funeral which I didn't want to do, but I would make the drive with her for support. Luckily, she didn't.
I've continued to feel lighter. Less haunted and afraid. Maybe it'll hit me later in life, but there is no sadness or mourning in me about his death. Any regret that I didn't patch things up is already processed because I'd done the work when I decided to block him and worked through all the ick in therapy. *shrug*
Anyway. Road trip from hell pushed back my surgery. The extra money sister put into the car (she is waiting to be reimbursed) and the extra time off work she had to do meant that she couldn't reasonably take time off to help me for a week. Given that this came up so close to my surgery, I didn't want to put pressure on anyone to fill in her role plus I didn't want anyone else that week since she knows me so well and I feel comfortable with her in whatever state I could possibly be in. I did get another date relatively soon -- it is now May 9th. I got the pre op too rescheduled easily. (And yes helps that I work in the same office as my pcp. We didn't need to reschedule any one else, but I was able to see when my pcp would have openings and I didn't have to wait for someone to see my message about the appointment.)
Being in May, however, does cut short time at home recovery. It is the beginning of the summer season so there are people requesting time off before I put in my request, including my manager. I told her that so long as I get two weeks off for recovery, I'll do half days for another two weeks to make up the loss of other staff who requested before me. Since my job is at a desk and my day to day doesn't impact daily appointments or such, we can be flexible with my hours. The big thing is just being on hand at some point to either fill in for whichever admin isn't in or when my manager is out. Luckily, the clinical lead is trained in front desk tasks and can help us out as needed as well. He also knows my manager's duties since he has in the past filled in when she was out. And while I am not clinically trained, I know enough through bleed through that I can buffer clinical staff with admin questions. (Yes we are short staffed, but all of this cross training is less about the short staffing and more about making sure the loss of one person doesn't mean that their work load cannot be supported and also about just helping each other out day to day.)
I am also hopeful that by May we should have a new admin trained. We had one person we really liked, but she turned it down due to money. (No surprise to be honest. The company talks about paying their people competitively, but they actually don't. I think it's that rather than look to what the reality of what a living wage is, they just look at similar positions in the industry and match that. Fact: for the work load medical people have, we are not paid nearly enough. Even as non clinical staff. So maybe we get paid well compared to other places, but people don't just look at the industry standard for pay; people look at is this pay enough for me to do what I need to do outside work.) We have been conducting more interviews this past week and have two possibles as well as another maybe if the first two turn us down. They're both as strong as I would need them to be to balance the front desk which is the highest criteria for me. We don't leave people on their own so having people who aren't independent workers isn't bad, but on a team of four, there should be one of each so I can do what I need to do. If we can get someone in by the end of this month then the person should be good for when I take time off to get my tits off. Fingers crossed.
Our general work load is getting near out of hand. Even though we have onboarded a new provider, she is only part time and is in office only two days a week. She was supposed to take on the bulk of the overflow from our current providers, but as of this month, the wider community has a net loss of 7 providers with so far only 3 poised to be replaced. Of those 7, I think 3 or 4 abruptly left so their patients and the clinics had to scramble. Plus, the area has been gaining popularity as a place to move to. Several clinics are temporarily not taking patients even on a wait list because of the abrupt departures. In the area, my office is one of two with the soonest availability, but even we are looking at scheduling a year out for new patients.
Management finally moved forward with promoting me. Yay. Had to do some pay negotiations and it still sucks -- it's a whole $1 and change more *eye roll*, but at least it's something and now I have authority behind my decisions. Which is for the best because we lost our clinical director -- she didn't leave leave, but has stepped down from the position. She is now just a provider. Again, it is a good thing that I have learned enough through the job to handle some clinical concerns -- like when a patient goes to the ED and needs a pcp for follow up care. It's now my manager (the practice manager) and I looking at the charts to see is this immediate or not? She's a nurse so she has clinical background, but I am in the day to day running of things so we both are able to see the situation in a balanced way. Like, I can see from appointments and follow ups what our providers prioritize and how care is done and she can see the whole picture of a patient's medical info.
The funny thing about the announcement of my promotion is that several people said "but I thought you were this person already??" Happy-sad thoughts on that.
As for the pay portion...well. There is background unionizing going on because it has been determined that no one who is a non-provider is making more than $22. (Yeah the medical assistants and lpns who have to go through schooling to get their position and need to continue their education get paid the same as the admins who don't need a degree or continued education.) Most of us make less than $20. I've been gently quietly mentioning union benefits to my coworkers, but on Friday, one of the medical assistants dropped that there is an after hours group of not just people from our office meeting to discuss unionizing. Collectively, people are having to keep it quiet because even though it isn't illegal to discuss, management in response to another group within our network unionizing, has put up their anti union stance. Fun.
Any real announcements and any possible votes will be some time out -- the group providing info on unionizing is providing education to the workers so that when a vote comes, it does succeed. Given the number of employees, it's gonna be a while. Which is fine. I would rather it come on slow and actually has a chance of happening then rushing and failing. For my part, I likely won't be part of anything until vote time. My managers know I am part of IWW as an independent and while it isn't legally allowed to fire me or anything for it, I also do not need trouble coming because they think the union stuff is coming from me. I mean I'll take the heat if it's me or the people getting the education out among coworkers, but until that time I'm gonna keep quiet.
Cat is doing well. Much like my grandma surprising us with just hanging on, my cat is just carrying on. I think he had an abscess in a tooth that cleared recently; for a while he wasn't eating his dry food, only the wet and even the wet seemed to be a challenge for him. But he's bounced back this weekend, yay! He's otherwise behaving normally, not slowing down. Still getting all up in my business and complaining when he isn't sleeping.
Came back from the road trip from hell to find out that the two empty apartments are now occupied. They are of course quiet. I like quiet neighbors. The only downside is that since moving in, two complaints have been filed -- one about people smoking too close to the building (and actually inside, but it is none of my business if someone is violating their lease so I've kept quiet) and one about dog poop. I am waiting for the epic fall out of all this -- the building has six units. Four of us have been here for over a year, peacefully existing together; three of them have dogs. And yes one of them smokes in the building. But we've just been quiet and polite. And now we have new tenants who within the first month have lodged complaints. This is not going to end well. (I mean I freaked out a bit because while I don't have dogs, the first complaint was about the smoking and it came out just as my sister had been visiting; I know that she smoked in her car to be polite, but the timing felt terrible. When I got the email about the dog poop, I emailed my land lord and it confirmed that the emails have been going out to everyone and also that I am in good standing to have my lease renwed in September. Phew.)
Today I am enjoying the warm weather -- turned off my heater and opened the windows. Yay fresh air.
I decided to get adventurous with cooking -- I got a curry powder. I've never had curry and I don't know what I am doing as I don't have a recipe, but I thought it's a good place to start. I just wanted something different. I am honestly the person who could eat nothing but chicken nuggets, fruit, and pasta/rice. After today I probably will be back at it, but just. Something different. So I made up a sauce of oat milk, broth, and the curry powder to make a sort of sauce. Stir fried potatoes, mushrooms, and onions together. Made rice with broth. Browned some ground chicken. Put it all together and it was good. I was cautious with how much curry powder I use since I am not one for spice, but next time I make this I'll add a bit more.
I've been working on a cross stitch project I had abandoned when I messed it up a bit -- I adjusted for the mess up and then did another one, but I am carrying one because the mess ups aren't that bad. Anyone who doesn't know the pattern won't be able to tell it wasn't on purpose. Been listening to the Magnus Archives as I go along -- I was hesitant to start it despite knowing that it was popular among people who also listen to WTNV as it is listed as a horror podcast, but I am glad I'm giving it a go; it's like Twilight Zone which I love.
I've also found a new band I like -- the Longest Johns. I've started listening to the Amazing Devil station (because I love TAD so I figure good place to start for finding new music) and yeah, they're great. I can't say why since the album I've bought from them is a mix of Celtic type songs and crack sea shanties, but it makes me happy.
I've been considering approaching my pcp about switching the diagnosis on my hrt from transgender to hyper mobility at the end of the year. I am really liking the dose I am at right now with t and once I am stable on it, I can switch from getting it from Planned Parenthood to my pcp. I'd like to get the diagnosis on it switched because of the way things seem to be heading; I know that the state I am in there isn't worry, but I worry about the next presidential election and a federal ban going before the current Supreme Court. After the fall of Roe vs Wade I don't trust the current court. There isn't much documented on the effects of t on hypermobility, but I know both my providers are noting that the t is helping with a lot of things for me so I would want to see if my pcp would consider changing the diagnosis so I can keep it if things fall sideways with a federal ban. Because it isn't even the gender affirming part -- which yes is important -- the t has helped my hyper mobility, it's helped my pmd, and it's helped my mood. I actually need it for a lot of things. (Meidcal side note: I am happily discharged from mental therapy!!)
Book wise I am continuing on with rediscovering sci fi and fantasy books. I like having the mental space now for long books with complicated themes. I am still reading cosy mysteries and romance novels -- won't ever stop, ha -- but it's nice to also immerse myself in something longer and more complex. It has also been nicing finding light hearted and/or easy to read in this genre -- I love the Murderbot series so much.
I am slated to have an affirmation ceremony at the synagogue end of April. My rabbi actually brought it up before I could so that means a lot to me -- she thinks I am ready. I don't have to since my great-grandma was Jewish, but it does show that I am committed to this path. I do have the option to have this through zoom or in person and I chose zoom because it feels safer for me (did y'all know that there is a virus going around that isn't flu, covid, or rsv and that it is lasting several weeks? And that it is as awful as all of those?) and also having it by zoom I can invite more people. We're going to open it up to the whole community so we'll see who shows up. I mean if it's just my rabbi and I with a few people, cool cool. We'll see. There were a few weeks my rabbi offered me, but of the two options, this is best. The other one included the dreaded Leviticus verse about homosexuals and I know how to pick it apart, but I didn't want that for my affirmation. I like the week I chose because the portion is about dealing with the dead and I love that given the transformation my life is at. So we're rolling with it.
In July, I am off on another road trip. In the midst of all the anxiety of the last one, I was like hell no I am never leaving home again, but once it was just sister and I even with car troubles, I was like ya know maybe. I didn't want it to be July, but with things happening with my grandma, apparently my mom now has to pay her own rent which means she wants my sister to pay for part of the rent on a storage unit where sister has some items. Now not only does sister not have the extra for that, she also doesn't want to worry about loosing those items (some of them are first edition books which luckily my mom doesn't even realize the value of and wouldn't sell) if my mom fucks up with bills. So sister wants to get down there as soon as possible and July is our best bet. It should be better this time -- any kinks will get worked out of the car and it'll just be the two of us. Plus we know this time to write down our directions and not trust the GPS just decide on a different way for us. We also know our limits and how to best manage it.
Now there is of course my fear about going that far south of the mason dixon line post top surgery plus the high likely hood of meeting my mom again and/or my uncle (who is a confirmed homophobe), but we won't be down there long. I'm not worried about random people, I know the south isn't as homophobic as is assumed (and in fact I've met people in the "enlightened" north that have been the worst) but I am worried about police and random people thinking they are police stand ins. I know the last time we went down, sister didn't think twice and asked why I wasn't using the men's rest room if I needed to go so badly and I had to remind her of this shit. And now as an adult, if my mom or uncle give us shit, we will just leave as soon as sister gets her shit into her car. We know now that we can leave any given situation we feel unsafe in. It'll be fine. And if I get shaken up, I'll have my emergency anxiety med.
So that is the state of me right now.