It has been 180 days since my last "Theraputic" wordpile
Perhaps it's me coming down from the highs and anticipation of the holidays, or perhaps it's because it's the end of the year, but I'm feeling rather melancholy this week. My birthday is tomorrow and that should help some.
But it's that time of year where I think of friends long since lost to time. And the older I get the more I find those friends were people I only knew through the internet, only knew through their AIM or their LJ handles. And when they stop signing in or when they make a new AIM and don't bother to tell me it becomes impossible to find them after enough time.
But some friends are perhaps best left in the past. Left among the memories that make you fondly smile as you remember what made you friends. Shared moments of comradery, shared moments of frustration and even fear. After so much time has past who knows if they're still the same person that you knew them as? Most assuredly not. And can the new person care for you the way the old person did?
It's a silly thing in itself, there isn't much that can be done but to move along with your life and allow those memories to inspire you and give you hope for new friendships and relationships to form, but I suppose as humans we're all inclined to moments of self indulgence, self pity and a greedy longing for things we lost through no fault of our own or others.
And somewhere amid all the self importance and woe-is-me attitude there's fear. Fear and understanding that in time, others will come and you will love them, and they too will leave. Each time taking a bit of you with them and leaving you with a bit of themselves.
One of my least favorite tactics is to "Hurry up and wait". For those of you who are unfamiliar with this horrible form of self torture it's when you know something is coming, or that you have something you have to do...but you can't do it yet. Or you can't do anything about it till it happens. So all you can do is sit and wait. It's miserable. Especially if you can't even prepare for the event or use the time to some productive manner. I've found that the best thing to do really is to distract yourself so that time moves by at it's normal pace instead of that accursed snails pace that it travels at when you're waiting for something.
Christmas went well. It's been a particularly rough year for my family and friends, a year of struggle, financial uncertainty, emotional roller coasters and so on. Where as for me it's been a year of release from the soul crushing oppression of my former employer. My new job has provided me a financial and emotional stability that allows me to find peace and take my time while the world spins out of control for others.
As such I spared no expense to friends and family. This is not unusual for me but it is more pronounced in years when others cannot do the same. The gifts I provided were met with joy and happiness which gave me a swelling of pride. There were times when I wondered if I was buying these nice things out of the goodness of my heart, out of the love I have for them, or if I was doing it to stroke my own ego, and to feel like a big shot. Whatever the case what's done is done.
I also realized alot of my Christmas is spent sitting quietly in the corner while relatives I don't know that well chat an catch up. It's odd for someone as loud and outgoing as myself to retreat to a quiet corner and simply watch other people but when surrounded by people who have only a vague interest in your life there are only so many topics you can fall back on safely. And so the easier choice is to make idle chit chat, speak when spoken to, be very polite, and accept your rewards in the form of Christmas cards with money hidden in them by uncles and aunts and Grandparents who aren't sure what sort of things you're into these days.
And of coarse as with every year, with every birthday I feel contemplative about where I've been and what I've done, where I'm going and what I'm doing. While on the surface it feels like a year that was only mildly productive I know that just beyond the obvious there are layers of accomplishments. Little things. Series that I started to love, games that I played or beat. Characters that began to develop in ways that I hadn't expected. Friendships that grew or grew apart.
A year like no other, and yet exactly like all that came before it.
I look to the future with uncertainty, unfounded optimism, shy hope. I return to work as night falls and let my mind wander, want, and wait for the things that lay just out of reach in 2012 and beyond.
Will my 24th year be the most significant yet? Or another chapter that adds to the full effect of the story?
Who will I be a year from now?
Pardon my typically verbose and psudodeep rambling, it's more for myself then anything.