(no subject)
Im so anxious. Anxious to get out of here. Restless. Sitting here doing nothing and wasting everything at the same time. Im looking forward to the day I am no longer a child. Where I can make all my own bad decisions and not have to worry about them critisizing me. Ive decided I really do need prozac.
Valentines day is a joke. The day where your supposed to show love and affection is immediatly cut short and I stand alone suffocating myself to death. I cannot function properly without those pills. What would be funny though is if they werent prozac, and if they were just some ordinary medicine, and that its all in my mind.
Im all alone. Even when Im surrounded by the praises of so many people. I still feel so isolated, so shut off from the rest of the world. Like theres something missing in my life. I dont know what it is yet and Im still trying to find it. I doubt its a relationship because boys just make me annoyed. Maybe everythings is right in front of me, but i just need some prozac to realize it.
I did have a taste of what it would be like. One day I tried a prozac and my day was filled with happy thoughts and I was more happy and I talked more and it seemed as if I could make friends with any one I wanted to. And I wasnt so annoyed or stressed...or alone for that matter. Never in my life have I felt as distant as now. I even find myself wanting to walk away from everything, walk away from my friends, walk away from my family, walk away from my so called life. It seems like my classes are going nowhere, and my life is going nowhere. My goals that I once made seem stupid and pathetic now. Now I want to strive for much higher things than that. I find myself contradicting myself constantly. Some people think Im shy, others think Im one of the most outgoing people they know. If only you could see me when Im on prozac...you would see the real me. Its nice.
Do other people live like this though? Are they stuck out home almsot every single day doing nothing like me beacuse their parents dont trust them? Nobody I know worries about this stuff tho. It seems as if their always busy with something to do and that their always happy. I never did understand how someone who goes to school and talks about school and contantly does homeowrk and constantly is always at a club or a meeting or something could possibly be happy when their surrounded wiht people that are sucha idiots.
The people at my school are so stupid. About 3/4 of them are honors and burry themselves in their books and drown themselves in their clubs and afterskool activities while the rest are complete dumbasses who just care about making people laugh and getting attention.
Theres a very small portion of the people like me and a few other people that are actually normal and are smart but just dont try on things that dont really matter, and that want to have fun, and that value music and art and things of that sort. I do value education, but not when it's pointless information (which is basically everyhting).
Im being stripped of every ounce of freedom and fun that you can imagine until i will be left bare, with only my knowledge left (or so they hope).
I wont give up though. I will get my pills, and I will be normal, and I will grow up, and I will make my own decisions, and I will be my own person, and I dont care if they hate me for it or not.