From the Journals of Elizabeth Jackson - Date: __________________
Date: ______________________
I wish I understood my own brain better. I'm not talking about Jenny or Adam or even the old feelings that have been stirred up as I sit here with Ziva. But even in my not talking about them, I'm talking about them.
Life is returning to normal here in Albuquerque. There's a ... how do I put this? There's a peace in my solitude. I think there's a part of me that loves Jenny too much to be truly calm when she's here, but more than that, I think there's a part of me that loves being visible when she's here. She doesn't see me as the woman I used to be. At least ... she didn't used to. Since her involvement in the case, I can't help but wonder if that history is creeping into her views of me. For the first time since moving out here, someone loved me for who I am now. I am just terrified that can't continue in that fantasy now.
Ziva asked me why I don't just go find someone who is just connected to my world here. A book seller or a rancher. So we talked about how hard it is to love someone when you're undercover and she started to understand. She thinks I am using my Huntington's as an excuse to not get close to people, and she is probably right, but I don't want anyone to give up ten years of their lives just to watch me fall apart. Selfish, perhaps. But I don't care. It's hard enough knowing that I'm in love with Jenny and she's not going to live much longer.
There's a point when you realize just what it means to be the mistress and the best friend all at once. I'm not talking about jealousy, I'm talking about helplessness. Even if I were to put aside the witsec issues, because of our relationship I can't just hop on a plane to DC and be with Jenny right now while she is worrying herself sick over Daniel. Jethro would stop me at the door. I know he's ... I don't want to say he's better but he's accepting that Jenny does love him unconditionally. But he doesn't want me interferring with his family - no matter if I could be a help or not. So there are lines and limits to what I can do. And I know Jenny feels those lines, but there is a part of me that wonders if she blames me for those lines and limits. I can't drop everything. I would if I could. The horses are in good care. But if I just go, I waive my life here in Albuquerque. Witsec will drop me and while I said I'd leave the program for her, and I mean it, she doesn't want me to. So, if she blames me for the lines and limits, there is only so much I can do about all of it. I love her. I don't worship her. I think in all of this mess over the last few months, I forgot about that.
I forgot it's okay to just be my boring self, sitting here on the ranch, watching horses grow. I sat on the porch, dreaming of DC and France and a life I used to live. I think my brain got wrapped up in the idea that somehow, she might be a passageway back to that. It was never conscious, but I think I might have gone there. She's so vibrant, a woman I used to be, and I know I wonder what she sees in me other than that eternal ear. And I am. But she isn't into women, not like I am. And she wants her life in DC - which is a life I don't want anymore.
I've thought seriously about leaving the program, though. To be honest, the Marshal's service can't protect me and my crimes are not going to be pursued because it means exposing a world inside of NCIS. Jarvis will continue on as SecNav, Vance will eventually take over directorship. I have to accept that I failed this time. I kept myself alive. Maybe that's all I can take from it. I could stay on here, keep my name and my life, buy a small place in Martha's Vineyard for the times I miss the east coast. Kara is more than capable of running the day to day operations here and the grants she has secured, along with the continued funding from Stark Industries means that I have a bit more freedom. If I were to leave the program I could go write out my memoirs, leave a note in history that I say I don't want, and fade away into nothingness on my terms and not the terms of the federal government.
And, if I were to leave, I could be more of a friend and more to Jenny. Though, she is not the primary reason for my choices. I would leave if she asked me to, but I've been thinking about it longer than these few months since we've been together. In fact, if I were to leave because of her, it would probably end our relationship. She isn't emotionally ready for that. She was ready for Jethro to follow her, but even then she wanted to push him away. But I am ... I am special. Even though Albuquerque is no longer a safe place for her, no longer a haven of relaxing, I am that thing that isn't connected to anything regarding her real life. She can come here and sit on the porch and think about things like running for office. Her feelings for me aside, there is something good about the clarity of thought she finds out here.
The thing is, for us, that moment of physical love does not need to last. I won't deny that it hurts to think of it changing, but it does not change our sitting together, holding hands, loving each other. Emotions matter more than the physical. It's frightening to think, that as my clock ticks ever closer, I will not be touched again like that. But I would rather sit on a porch and know I am loved than be touched intimately and wonder what the next step is. But the thing is, with us, we don't know what's ahead. And that's okay too. Today, I am just thinking onto the page.
I've made no sense today - rambling left and right and right off the porch. But the jumbled thoughts had to come out somehow. Maybe someday I'll look back on this and just tear it up. But today, I need to just let myself make sense inside of my confusion.
I wish I understood my own brain better. I'm not talking about Jenny or Adam or even the old feelings that have been stirred up as I sit here with Ziva. But even in my not talking about them, I'm talking about them.
Life is returning to normal here in Albuquerque. There's a ... how do I put this? There's a peace in my solitude. I think there's a part of me that loves Jenny too much to be truly calm when she's here, but more than that, I think there's a part of me that loves being visible when she's here. She doesn't see me as the woman I used to be. At least ... she didn't used to. Since her involvement in the case, I can't help but wonder if that history is creeping into her views of me. For the first time since moving out here, someone loved me for who I am now. I am just terrified that can't continue in that fantasy now.
Ziva asked me why I don't just go find someone who is just connected to my world here. A book seller or a rancher. So we talked about how hard it is to love someone when you're undercover and she started to understand. She thinks I am using my Huntington's as an excuse to not get close to people, and she is probably right, but I don't want anyone to give up ten years of their lives just to watch me fall apart. Selfish, perhaps. But I don't care. It's hard enough knowing that I'm in love with Jenny and she's not going to live much longer.
There's a point when you realize just what it means to be the mistress and the best friend all at once. I'm not talking about jealousy, I'm talking about helplessness. Even if I were to put aside the witsec issues, because of our relationship I can't just hop on a plane to DC and be with Jenny right now while she is worrying herself sick over Daniel. Jethro would stop me at the door. I know he's ... I don't want to say he's better but he's accepting that Jenny does love him unconditionally. But he doesn't want me interferring with his family - no matter if I could be a help or not. So there are lines and limits to what I can do. And I know Jenny feels those lines, but there is a part of me that wonders if she blames me for those lines and limits. I can't drop everything. I would if I could. The horses are in good care. But if I just go, I waive my life here in Albuquerque. Witsec will drop me and while I said I'd leave the program for her, and I mean it, she doesn't want me to. So, if she blames me for the lines and limits, there is only so much I can do about all of it. I love her. I don't worship her. I think in all of this mess over the last few months, I forgot about that.
I forgot it's okay to just be my boring self, sitting here on the ranch, watching horses grow. I sat on the porch, dreaming of DC and France and a life I used to live. I think my brain got wrapped up in the idea that somehow, she might be a passageway back to that. It was never conscious, but I think I might have gone there. She's so vibrant, a woman I used to be, and I know I wonder what she sees in me other than that eternal ear. And I am. But she isn't into women, not like I am. And she wants her life in DC - which is a life I don't want anymore.
I've thought seriously about leaving the program, though. To be honest, the Marshal's service can't protect me and my crimes are not going to be pursued because it means exposing a world inside of NCIS. Jarvis will continue on as SecNav, Vance will eventually take over directorship. I have to accept that I failed this time. I kept myself alive. Maybe that's all I can take from it. I could stay on here, keep my name and my life, buy a small place in Martha's Vineyard for the times I miss the east coast. Kara is more than capable of running the day to day operations here and the grants she has secured, along with the continued funding from Stark Industries means that I have a bit more freedom. If I were to leave the program I could go write out my memoirs, leave a note in history that I say I don't want, and fade away into nothingness on my terms and not the terms of the federal government.
And, if I were to leave, I could be more of a friend and more to Jenny. Though, she is not the primary reason for my choices. I would leave if she asked me to, but I've been thinking about it longer than these few months since we've been together. In fact, if I were to leave because of her, it would probably end our relationship. She isn't emotionally ready for that. She was ready for Jethro to follow her, but even then she wanted to push him away. But I am ... I am special. Even though Albuquerque is no longer a safe place for her, no longer a haven of relaxing, I am that thing that isn't connected to anything regarding her real life. She can come here and sit on the porch and think about things like running for office. Her feelings for me aside, there is something good about the clarity of thought she finds out here.
The thing is, for us, that moment of physical love does not need to last. I won't deny that it hurts to think of it changing, but it does not change our sitting together, holding hands, loving each other. Emotions matter more than the physical. It's frightening to think, that as my clock ticks ever closer, I will not be touched again like that. But I would rather sit on a porch and know I am loved than be touched intimately and wonder what the next step is. But the thing is, with us, we don't know what's ahead. And that's okay too. Today, I am just thinking onto the page.
I've made no sense today - rambling left and right and right off the porch. But the jumbled thoughts had to come out somehow. Maybe someday I'll look back on this and just tear it up. But today, I need to just let myself make sense inside of my confusion.