Introduction Week 0
I am 7 years old
It's been a year since my parents have lived together
I'm waiting for my dad to pick me up
It feels like I haven't seen him for years
He says I have beautiful long blonde hair
He doesn't drive right now since he got out of jail recently for driving without a license
Gotta stay on the down low
So we ride bikes for the weekend
And for a 7 year old it's the time of my life
Until we have to get groceries
And he makes me carry some bags
I hate riding my bike
We are back at his place
Which is really is his buddies basement that he's staying in for the time being.
It's a "bachelor" pad.
I had never heard that word before.
He ask me to help him clean.
It'll be nice for the both of us.
Easier to do with two people.
We make Ramen noodles for dinner
He puts Doritos in his
Uses a piece of cardboard as a lid
Let it soak in.
I eat mine plain.
I hate Ramen noodles.
He wash it down with Dr pepper
Lights up an after meal cigarette
Ashing In his empty can.
I am 9 years old
Outside of the mall with my mom and my aunt.
Crying hysterically because I do not want to stay the weekend at my dads.
It smells like cigarettes and cat shit. He moved into someone's guest house.
I dont want to help him clean.
I don't want to knock over Dr pepper cans while sleeping on the couch.
I am 11
I have chopped off my hair into a short bob that sits around my ears.
He gets me a laptop.
I can keep it in my room, that is as small as a closest. Only able to fit a twin size bed. And my new laptop.
He says goodnight and ask why I sleep with a bra on. I say it's comfortable. Thinking to myself I am a woman now.
I stay up all night talking to strangers on Zwinky.
I give them my aim
They tell me I am beautiful, they love my blonde hair.
We sit inside and watch TV all day.
I hate watching TV.
He shows me a Pink Floyd dark side of the moon music videos we eat pudding.
I am 13
My mother tells me to pack my bags
I'm staying with him for a while.
She is yelling
"Your daughter is throwing up and cutting her self"
I am crying
He does not understand
Where did he go wrong.
We buy long sleeve shirts
He stands outside the door when I go to the he bathroom for a while.
Ask me if I threw up.
"You sure?"
We go to family therapy
But they can't stop screaming at each other.
Nothing is resolved.
I am 16
I drop out of school
Smoke cigarettes
And date older boys
He does not understand
I take too many drugs
Distance myself
He gets a girlfriend all is well.
I am 18
I tell him and his girlfriend I had an abortion
For the first time since I met her I am glad she is there .
She assures him it's okay.
He doesn't understand
I am too thin he says
Ask if I am throwing up Again
He has back surgery and hasn't been the same since.
I am 21
He buys two cars
Gives me the shit one
He says my boyfriend can fix it up
Feels like a hero
I will run this car into the ground
Prove a point
Tried of being a stranger to you
I am not a little girl
I am beautiful with or without long blonde hair
I am a woman now
A full grown person
Not at the mercy of anyone
But myself
I am a piece of art
I'm a lover
So full of life
I am so much stronger than my 7 year self could ever imagine.