On Friendship & Dating

[alchemi]

filmstar linked to an article about making friends in your 30s.

REACTION ONE: THAT IS NOT TRUE OF ME AT ALL

Comments

I HAVE THOUGHTS

[grrillaesthete]

First: They are not meeting the right kind of people

Re: I HAVE THOUGHTS

[grrillaesthete]

I think this article takes the wrong tone, because this is what they say about people who ACTIVELY TRY TO MAKE FRIENDS

Re: I HAVE THOUGHTS

[grrillaesthete]

Also, you know it's a shit article when ALL the comments are better written and more well reasoned than the article itself.

Re: I HAVE THOUGHTS

[alchemi]

Anyway, I think it is a matter of timing and understanding that people have other commitments. It doesn't mean that you're not going to be super-close, just because you have to make time.

I think part of the feeling that inspired the article is that it is so much easier in some ways in college because of the proximity, etc. But, in my case it was harder because I was less mature and confident, and the maturity and confidence matters a lot more than the proximity.

I think this is also caused by a huge lack of self-awareness. Whenever I feel like I'm getting "low" on friends, or spending time with only the same 5 people, or can't find someone to do the things I want to do; I go out and meet people.

Yes. There is a sort of inertia to it. When I was not making friends, I both didn't know how to go out and meet people and didn't have faith it would work.

In this age, I think it is easier than ever to meet people you're more likely to click with than ever before. The internet has democratized so many "fringe" groups (atheists, CF,

[finding_helena]

I do think it's harder to make friends as you get older. I think to really bond with people you almost need to have something standing. We got really close with a couple who we used to game with almost every single week for a year. If we hadn't had that standing appointment, we probably wouldn't have seen them that often.

[filmstar]

Yay, my name in print! And I'm flattered to be quoted. :) I thought the article was very interesting as a jumping-off point for related discussions about how we make and value friendship as adults. I liked the stuff about the science of friendship (e.g. the circumstances that favor them, and why these circumstances disappear as we get older). Like a commenter above, I do think the entire article was pretty NYC-centric, though. It is difficult for me to tell how typical my own experiences are because the LDS faith creates some unique social structures that may (or may not?) affect the way I make friends.

Unrelated:

I was thinking about you on my run today (no idea why) and thinking about how loyal you are to Heather. Although you have a lot of things going on outside your relationship with her, and you rarely write about her directly, there is always just this really gentle, respectful, devoted tone when you refer to her. I admire that.

[alchemi]

I wanted to mention that this comment meant a lot to me and has been bouncing around in my head since you left it.

Thank you.

[filmstar]

You're welcome.

[fitfool]

That article seems to reflect my life pretty well I think. Those 3 things? Proximity, repeated contact, and a safe atmosphere match a lot of what I like about LJ actually. I know it's not physical proximity but somehow it works for me. Granted, maybe it's largely delusional since I haven't met most of my f-list in real life. Real life seems hard to make close friends but I suspect that's more my own fault than anyone else's. I know it takes effort to squeeze in seeing friends and yet I don't make that effort nearly enough. Still, I'm decent at making new acquaintances and I'm always hopeful that some of those new acquaintances will morph into friendships eventually.