Lifetimes of Choices (3/3)
The night after the broadcast, Congressman Kang instructed us to convene a meeting of his special staffs for the next day. I felt uneasy from fear that I lost his trust entirely and from Congressman Lee’s mild threat. I need to find a way to balance the two or get rid of one - and I need it fast.
Congressman Kang has been very helpful to me - if not through him, I wouldn’t get the references or exposure that have landed me permanent job offers from various consulting firms and other government institutions. I got the internship from the Congressman through a daring cover letter: an essay criticizing a speech and draft policy he presented in Daegu and what points he can improve from his policy. Enclosed with the letter is my contact address and within a day, I received calls from Jiwon that requested me to come to the Assembly that very same day. The Congressman waited for me in his room, interviewed and interrogated me, and by the end of the day, I received an internship offer for six months in his office.
Within three months I could tell that he admired my work and saw that I have the potential to be a rising star. He took me under his care and prepared me well to be his protégé - so if you’re wondering how a lowly intern can be invited to meetings of such strategic importance, it’s because I’m not just your normal copy-machine intern. My “internship” got extended for another six months.
Aiming to regain his trust, I drafted a follow-up plan for the sanitation bill: any potential talk show or media appearances Kim Junmyeon can appear in, any media material needs to be developed, any other public figure to engage for support, among others. It was a strenuous work done overnight.
“Okay. What update do you have for me?” the Congressman started the meeting.
“I’ve talked with the other staffs from the Socha party regarding the draft bill - after Kim’s public support, the support garnered for you and the bill skyrocketed, sir. Congratulations.” Minkyung is responsible for the relationships within the Assembly. Her network spans across parties and her inside info very much sought after by the Congressman.
“Great, thanks Minkyung. Jiwon?”
“I’ve compiled media responses and clippings after Kim’s public support for your bill and summarized it in this document,” he handed over a binder to the Congressman, “in case you need it for future engagements. I have also secured the meeting with Kim’s staffs to discuss further how the messaging would be amplified.”
“I’ll read this and comeback to you tomorrow.”
I waited for him to call my name - but he didn’t.
“If that’s all for today, you can be dismissed, and report to me your progress through email, as usual. Thank you.”
He stood up, followed by Minkyung and Jiwon. Before he can reach for the door, I caught up to him and said, “Sir, can I have a moment with you?”
He looked at me with a condescending look, and before he has the time to reply I said again, “I have a plan to discuss with you. You can listen to it first, and if it doesn’t pique your interest in the first two minutes, I will excuse myself.”
He shrugged indifferently and sat down again. Minkyung and Jiwon looked at us with a puzzled look on their face, but the Congressman cued them to get out of the room.
He let out a long sigh and said, “So?”
“First and foremost, I’d like to apologize for the last time we were at KoWater office. I showed disrespect to CEO Kim and I can assure you it won’t happen again - not with him, or anyone else that might potentially jeopardize your plan.”
Pause.
“With that being said I’d like to dive in the details directly - KoWater’s public support for our sanitation bill brings a lot of positive responses for the bill. Now with the upside and supportive environment we’re having, we need to take and maintain this conducive environment until the voting for the bill. For that, I’ve drafted a follow-up and stakeholder engagement plan for you to review. It includes potential spokesperson, public figures, draft messages. You can review it first and gave any feedback you deem necessary, sir.”
He took the document from my hand and studied it for three minutes.
“This is good work. Welcome back. Keep up the good work and the spirit. We need it. I’ll get back to you with revisions and feedbacks tomorrow,” he said as he stood up from his chair and pat me on the back.
“Thank you, sir. It means a lot to me. And, sir? One last thing…”
I’m so very much going to regret this, but as he showed me again and again his kindness and care for me, I thought I couldn’t do this double-agent business anymore. And I see this as the only way out from the conflict.
“After the revision of the plan, I think I would like to resign from this work.”
He stopped dead on his track and looked at me with bewilderment.
“Resigning?”
“Yes, sir, you’ve heard correctly. To not get you worried, I assure you it wasn’t an extortion of some sort by other parties, neither was the work offered unsatisfactory - in fact, it has been the most rewarding job I’ve had so far. I’ve been thinking a lot since the meeting with KoWater, and I think it’s best for you and the team to not have me around.”
“What are you saying? You just gave me this plan and-”
“Indeed, sir. I thought of it this way: showing CEO Kim that you don’t tolerate mistakes would boost his approval on you even more.”
“I can just not have you come along to our meetings with KoWater.”
“That can happen. But, sir, I don’t want to risk your campaign with my presence in your team. It can easily backfire as your political rivals could find out about CEO Kim’s disapproval for me and used it against you. It might be a bit farfetched, yes. But think of how we successfully forced Congressman Park to step down from his position - we did that by exploiting his staff’s incompetence and his staff’s past problem with other congressmen. That could happen to you, sir, through my incompetence.”
“This doesn’t make any sense. We still have plans to execute. I would not accept your resignation.”
“I would work on the follow-up plan together with Minkyung and Jiwon, and I would still give you ad-hoc support if needed, but I will be under the radar and not as your official intern.”
“Do you have any other motives? What triggered you so suddenly?”
“To be brutally honest with you, sir,” fingers crossed behind my back, sorry, “it’s just I can’t handle the embarrassment. I think this is the only way for me to atone for my mistakes.”
The puzzled look at his face is still imminent and I didn’t dare to look straight into his eyes.
“Fine. But make sure that Minkyung and Jiwon are fully briefed. You will be dismissed from the job starting next Monday. You have to promise us that you’ll still work under request. We’ll keep in touch.”
And with that, he hurriedly got out of the room and let the door open. If you think I’m stupid and crazy for that reckless and not well-thought of action - honestly, I fucking agree with you.
--
Congressman Kang was elected Speaker of the Assembly three months after, and Congressman Lee elected as one of the Deputy Speakers. Being independent and unaffiliated to a politician enabled me to wash my hands off any decisions made in the Assembly - what can I possibly do? is all I need to say once people start to ask for proofs and results.
I briefed Minkyung and Jiwon well, and with the supportive environment surrounding Kang, he was elected with ease. Since I’m no longer his staff, Lee wouldn’t be able to point fingers at me and blame me for my failed sabotage. But for the sake of respecting his mentoring and well, “sessions” with me, under the radar, I launched a guerilla media campaign of my own to help set the environment for Lee to be elected Deputy Speaker - sending analysis and pointing out clauses in Kang’s sanitation bill that would create a price disparity of clean water to reporters, enough space for Lee to come out and constructively criticize the bill.
At the end of the day, revisions were made to the bill, led by Lee himself. He gained enough popularity in the floor and with the people to secure the votes he needed for the position. Lee knew it was me who leaked the questionable clauses and analysis to the reporters, but he’s still unable to forgive me for not giving him the Speaker post he wanted. Eventually, the last text he sent to me was:
Clean way out. Smart boy. Secrets should be kept secrets.
Finally able to distance myself from the two congressmen, I decided to go back to my hometown in Andong to take a breath and have a peace of mind to think of the real problem: forgetting.
Should this be my last, am I really spending it alone? Who should I end up with? Will it be a good parting experience? Will I still meet Seungyoon or Seunghoon in my next life - if any?
There are too many uncertainties I’m facing and too many questions unanswered for me to immerse in this life fully and enjoy it to the last bits. The fear of forgetting is imminent and it’s haunting me in my every steps.
As I spent the night in a traditional Bed & Breakfast in Andong, I recalled the lives I’ve gone through: how Yuri grew up to work at NASA and how Hiro grew up to be a lecturer in Paleontology, how Seunghoon and I ended up living in Tokyo shortly after he secured a permanent job in Dentsu after his Nintendo work was recognized, how Seungyoon and I ended up marrying after our rendezvous in the university library. I daresay most of the lives I’ve passed I’ve lived happily. Some of them didn’t end up well: I remembered clearly how Seungyoon once left me to pursue a career in the entertainment industry, and how Seunghoon left me for another man.
If this is my last, I’m not sure how I would want it to unravel. I know it’s very selfish and greedy of me to want the best of both worlds - but dammit, I actually want the best of both worlds.
I plotted the possibility of having Seunghoon - or Congressman Lee - to accept me back in his life. I don’t know whether the things that we had was pure lust or whether there was a slightest bit of love involved, so my chances are slim.
I thought of how to reconnet with Seungyoon, Kang, the Congressman, whatever. We haven’t talked in a couple of months and I’m not sure whether my last days at his office left an impression on him. My chances are slim, too.
Looking back at my lives with Seunghoon, it has always been full of excitement and fun. We lived on a shoestring in many of them, but with him, he can make homelessness to not sound too bad. He was a happy virus and his presence ensured me that no matter how awful it’ll turn out to be like, I’d still have fun.
With Seungyoon, it was full of care and loving. Seungyoon was able to provide assurance to me that he’s going to be there supporting me, no matter what happened. Once you’ve felt Seungyoon’s love, you would know how much it dwarfed others’.
This made me realized: it wasn’t a matter of who. They were equally lovely and I had an equally swell time with them. They brought me happiness and fueled me to live my days. I woke up in my next life, looking forward to the day I will be able to finally meet them and eventually love them.
It wasn’t a matter of choosing excitement over stable, caring life.
It was the fact that you have someone to share your life with - it was the capability and the capacity of loving.
With that, I realized I’ve been shutting off opportunities by distancing myself away from the two - consequently risking my life, or even the last life I can recall, in dullness as I chose not to love. That explains what I did next:
Opening my phone, I wrote “Hello, Congressman. How have you been?”, sent it to Congressman Kang and Congressman Lee, and left my phone unattended.
This time, I’ll let life surprise me.