Fear
Pairing: Seunghoon/Minho (Winner)
Rating: PG13
Genre: Compliant/Character Study/Romance
Warning: Mild swearing
Summary: Show Me The Money has drained Mino -- and if not because of Seunghoon, he would've given up halfway.
Note: inspired by a performance from WINNER Japan Tour 2015
---
“I never wanted this to happen this way.”
Mino curled up like a child in Seunghoon’s arms, seeking warmth and comfort after a long day at Zico’s studio. Seunghoon placed his head on top of his own hand, providing support, while the other stroking Mino’s head and trailing down to his arms.
“Hyung, say something.”
“Psst, don’t say anything. Stay silent. You need it,” Seunghoon responded while still continuing his strokes. They spent the next ten minutes in silence - pure silence that you can hear the two men’s breathe in, breathe out. The pace of Mino’s breaths got slower, his stiff neck and shoulders more relaxed, his eyes closed.
Seunghoon got up and walked towards the light switch, when Mino turned around and said, “hyung, don’t go. Please stay.”
Seunghoon looked at the younger man - Mino was still wearing his oversized gray sweater and matching sweatpants, his gaze looked empty and his expression weary. He had never seen Mino this worn out, not even during the WIN days nor the pre-debut days which were full of frustration from YG’s constant disapproval of his solo songs.
Seunghoon walked to the bed and sat next to where Mino’s head is.
“When I first decided to join the show, I thought it would be fun, you know. It would be me back to my underground days, meeting people and channel my musical interest. Now look at the situation, it’s a mess.”
“You barely sleep nowadays, you joke and laugh less often and you didn’t even eat my spicy chicken dish yesterday! You usually had to beg your life for me to make it, and now that I made it out of good will, you left it untouched. I’m thoroughly disappointed! It took quite a lot of effort…”
Mino laughed a little.
“There you go. I missed your smile, you know,” Seunghoon gently pinched Mino’s cheeks that got chubbier when he smiles.
“You always know how to make me laugh, hyung. That’s why you’re my home. Thank you.” Mino took his hyung’s hand and put his palm on his cheek.
Mino and Seunghoon would do this every time any one of them is feeling frail, lonely or hurt - it all started when Seunghoon’s backache relapsed.
---
It was on a Thursday midnight when Mino suddenly heard a feeble knock on his door. He was surprised to see Seunghoon on the door, tears flowing down his face.
“Hyung, are you okay? What happened? Here, sit down. Do you want a glass of water? Just wait here I’ll fetch-”
“No, it’s okay. Do you mind if I sleep here tonight?”
“Are you sure? You look like you’re in pain, Hyung. Don’t make me worried like this…what happened?”
“My back suddenly hurts again. I think I must’ve overworked when creating the choreography,” Seunghoon faintly answered while bringing himself to lie on his side on Mino’s bed.
“Wait, what? If that’s the case we need to go to the hospital, maybe it’s something serious. Hyung, I’m not taking any risk. I’m calling the manager.”
“Please, don’t,” Seunghoon grabbed Mino’s hand away from his phone and held it while closing his eyes - one can easily tell that he’s trying all he might to ignore the pain.
“Seunghoon-hyung…”
“Please.”
Mino kneeled down on the floor so that his face is at level with his hyung’s. Mino wiped some tears away from Seunghoon’s eyes and asked him, “how can I help to make you feel better?”
Still closing his eyes, Seunghoon took Mino’s hand and made Mino’s palm pressed into his own cheeks. Seunghoon could feel the warmth of Mino’s palms, the blood running on the vessels, the tingling part where Mino’s thumb meets Seunghoon’s wet eyelashes. A few whimpering and some teardrops later, Seunghoon replied, “you already are.”
Ever since, whenever they have burning problems or just feel a tad bit lonely, the warm hands on the other’s cheeks would become their panacea, their remedy.
---
“You know, when I was waiting for Zico-hyung earlier today, I had my doubts again…”
“Hm? What was it?” Seunghoon replied, still gently stroking Mino’s temple with his thumb.
“Being in the spotlight for the past month… it got me thinking. In retrospect, my decision to join the competition brings more harm than good. Those controversies, the vile comments… I didn’t gain anything except for embarrassment and shame. My parents cried reading those comments, no matter how much I tried to convince them not to open those damn articles. Danah got so shaken at one point, that she once shut herself completely for one day and didn’t go out from her room. And you. Don’t pretend like you don’t keep on checking on Naver and social media for articles. It’s there, clearly visible on your frequently opened tabs, you know.”
“How do you suppose me to act, you fool? Look at it from a different angle; you’ve matured along the show, people are looking forward to see you. You’re a star. Albeit our worry, we are all proud of you - well, at least, rest assured, I am proud of you. Regrets are a waste of time. They’re the past crippling you in the present.”
“Well. It’s easier said than done.”
“Song Minho. Come on. If I can only choose one thing I like best from you is that you’re always this ball of sunshine. You spread positivity to everyone around you. You’re our happy vitamin. What’s with the gloomy mood? Come on, show me my optimistic, positive Song Minho. This too shall pass, remember?”
“For heaven’s sake. You don’t get it,” Mino suddenly sat up and looked upwards, straight into the ceiling.
“You don’t fucking get it. I’m tired, okay. I’m tired of having to always be exactly that - yours truly, your ball of sunshine, your optimistic, positive Song Minho. Am I not entitled to feel depressed? Am I not allowed to be gloomy? Give me a break.”
Seunghoon sat on silence.
“People expect me to be the assertive, confident person I’ve always portrayed. The big and strong and overbearing dog. Fuck that.”
“I’m sorry.”
Seunghoon didn’t know what to say - he felt guilty for not understanding the guy he has been around with for the past year; for only being able to grasp what Mino had kept hidden behind his smiles now; and most importantly, for not being there when Mino needed him.
Mino let out a deep sigh as he looked at his hyung’s face. He stared at Seunghoon, secretly disappointed that his usually sensible hyung couldn’t figure it out by himself. Mino had a plethora of emotions he wanted to express, pages and pages of tirade waiting to be written - all so jumbled up on his head that he didn’t know where to begin with.
“Do you ever feel afraid, hyung?”
“Me?”
Mino lightly nodded.
“Why, of course, dearest.
I think all my life I have always been afraid. I was afraid to disappoint my mother when I went to audition for K-Pop Star. I was afraid of being eliminated. I was afraid when the judges said my singing was subpar. I was afraid when I decided to move alone to Seoul. I was afraid entering YG, afraid that I wouldn’t be good enough for the company I’ve always dreamed of. I was afraid of being in the same team with you guys, afraid that my talents will not suffice. I was afraid that I will be the one holding you all back - I don’t have killer vocals, don’t play the guitar, I don’t look like I’m a hand-crafted porcelain doll 24/7, I don’t rap as good.
Heck, Mino, I was afraid when I first know you’re going to be the rapper too - what can an inexperienced boy with a thick Busan accent do, paired with a famed underground rapper like you. I wrote my first rap ever in my K-Pop Star audition, for crying out loud.”
Mino didn’t know that. Yes, he knows so well that Seunghoon doesn’t like sharing his plans or short term goals to others, afraid that they’ll sneer on him if he fails and disregard him if he succeeds. But the fragile Seunghoon; he has never heard before.
“Hyung, I -”
“Yes, I was a nobody from Busan. Yes, I wasn’t born with a silver spoon on my mouth. I am flawed. You are too. You, along with 7.3 billion other people out there, are flawed. Imperfect. And it does not matter. It does not mean a thing.”
Seunghoon stared fondly at Mino - the 22 years old guy in an oversized sweater, who you could have easily mistaken for an overgrown 4-year old kid judging from his timid expression and body language. He stroked Mino’s temple with his forefinger, his thumb running down his cheeks to his jawline.
“You just need to acknowledge and live by it. That you’re imperfect and flawed. That you are vulnerable, humane, lacking. That you are afraid. That you have fear.”
The last sentence hit him like a dagger. Mino has always seen (or at least, persuaded) himself as a strong, unbeatable and unrivaled man. It was his very source of confidence - although unknowingly evolved into being his biggest weakness, feeding to his insecurity and lowering his self-esteem.
Mino closed his eyes - unknowingly tears fell down on his face, eventually leading to light sobbing. He buried his face on his knees. Seunghoon sat closer and put his hand around Mino, with the other hand on Mino’s knee.
“What matters is how you face your fear and strive to be a better person the next day.”
Mino continued sobbing. Thoughts after thoughts, memories after memories came into his mind - of his previous failures not debuting as a Block B, his seemingly unsuccessful ballad group, his failure to be Team A’s leader, his elimination round controversy. His sobs got more frequent and his sighs deeper.
“Just remember, failure is not fatal - it is the courage to continue that counts.”
Mino snorted a little, “did you just become wiser or did you just googled up “best quotes on failure” just now?”
“I’d like to think it is the former than the latter. On all seriousness, though, you don’t have to be afraid. You have me.”
Mino burst into laughter, “hyung, you’re one weird, freaking cheesy bastard.”
“If all it takes is to be a bastard to make you laugh, I don’t mind being the biggest bastard in the world.”
“Stop with all the cheese!”
They both had a long, good laugh. Mino liked it the most when Seunghoon laughs - carefree, cute (especially those cheeks and eye smile) and radiant. His laughs softened as it turned into a warm smile.
“Thank you. You’re like a bed. Perhaps the best of its kind. You have this ability to heal people, you know.”
“I know.”
“Shut up.”
“You cheese.”
“You are too.”
“I’m a fine old Dutch cheese.”
Mino rested his head on Seunghoon’s chest, both of them looking at the ceiling.
“Hey hyung. My next Show Me The Money taping is just 8 days away.”
“Dude, we know that. If you look at our group calendar on the common room, the only activities that we have for the coming weeks are yours. By now we’ve remembered the dates by heart. Isn’t it a sad, boring life nowadays to be us? You better use your opportunity optimally. No pressure though.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Why?”
“Nothing. Just promise me you’ll watch the semi-final episode,” Mino said to Seunghoon - wholeheartedly, delightedly and gratefully.
---
EPILOGUE
Okinawa, 29 October 2015.
“Hyung, do you want to sing Fear with me?” Mino asked.
Seunghoon smiled, nodded and said, “thought you’d never ask.”
Rating: PG13
Genre: Compliant/Character Study/Romance
Warning: Mild swearing
Summary: Show Me The Money has drained Mino -- and if not because of Seunghoon, he would've given up halfway.
Note: inspired by a performance from WINNER Japan Tour 2015
---
“I never wanted this to happen this way.”
Mino curled up like a child in Seunghoon’s arms, seeking warmth and comfort after a long day at Zico’s studio. Seunghoon placed his head on top of his own hand, providing support, while the other stroking Mino’s head and trailing down to his arms.
“Hyung, say something.”
“Psst, don’t say anything. Stay silent. You need it,” Seunghoon responded while still continuing his strokes. They spent the next ten minutes in silence - pure silence that you can hear the two men’s breathe in, breathe out. The pace of Mino’s breaths got slower, his stiff neck and shoulders more relaxed, his eyes closed.
Seunghoon got up and walked towards the light switch, when Mino turned around and said, “hyung, don’t go. Please stay.”
Seunghoon looked at the younger man - Mino was still wearing his oversized gray sweater and matching sweatpants, his gaze looked empty and his expression weary. He had never seen Mino this worn out, not even during the WIN days nor the pre-debut days which were full of frustration from YG’s constant disapproval of his solo songs.
Seunghoon walked to the bed and sat next to where Mino’s head is.
“When I first decided to join the show, I thought it would be fun, you know. It would be me back to my underground days, meeting people and channel my musical interest. Now look at the situation, it’s a mess.”
“You barely sleep nowadays, you joke and laugh less often and you didn’t even eat my spicy chicken dish yesterday! You usually had to beg your life for me to make it, and now that I made it out of good will, you left it untouched. I’m thoroughly disappointed! It took quite a lot of effort…”
Mino laughed a little.
“There you go. I missed your smile, you know,” Seunghoon gently pinched Mino’s cheeks that got chubbier when he smiles.
“You always know how to make me laugh, hyung. That’s why you’re my home. Thank you.” Mino took his hyung’s hand and put his palm on his cheek.
Mino and Seunghoon would do this every time any one of them is feeling frail, lonely or hurt - it all started when Seunghoon’s backache relapsed.
---
It was on a Thursday midnight when Mino suddenly heard a feeble knock on his door. He was surprised to see Seunghoon on the door, tears flowing down his face.
“Hyung, are you okay? What happened? Here, sit down. Do you want a glass of water? Just wait here I’ll fetch-”
“No, it’s okay. Do you mind if I sleep here tonight?”
“Are you sure? You look like you’re in pain, Hyung. Don’t make me worried like this…what happened?”
“My back suddenly hurts again. I think I must’ve overworked when creating the choreography,” Seunghoon faintly answered while bringing himself to lie on his side on Mino’s bed.
“Wait, what? If that’s the case we need to go to the hospital, maybe it’s something serious. Hyung, I’m not taking any risk. I’m calling the manager.”
“Please, don’t,” Seunghoon grabbed Mino’s hand away from his phone and held it while closing his eyes - one can easily tell that he’s trying all he might to ignore the pain.
“Seunghoon-hyung…”
“Please.”
Mino kneeled down on the floor so that his face is at level with his hyung’s. Mino wiped some tears away from Seunghoon’s eyes and asked him, “how can I help to make you feel better?”
Still closing his eyes, Seunghoon took Mino’s hand and made Mino’s palm pressed into his own cheeks. Seunghoon could feel the warmth of Mino’s palms, the blood running on the vessels, the tingling part where Mino’s thumb meets Seunghoon’s wet eyelashes. A few whimpering and some teardrops later, Seunghoon replied, “you already are.”
Ever since, whenever they have burning problems or just feel a tad bit lonely, the warm hands on the other’s cheeks would become their panacea, their remedy.
---
“You know, when I was waiting for Zico-hyung earlier today, I had my doubts again…”
“Hm? What was it?” Seunghoon replied, still gently stroking Mino’s temple with his thumb.
“Being in the spotlight for the past month… it got me thinking. In retrospect, my decision to join the competition brings more harm than good. Those controversies, the vile comments… I didn’t gain anything except for embarrassment and shame. My parents cried reading those comments, no matter how much I tried to convince them not to open those damn articles. Danah got so shaken at one point, that she once shut herself completely for one day and didn’t go out from her room. And you. Don’t pretend like you don’t keep on checking on Naver and social media for articles. It’s there, clearly visible on your frequently opened tabs, you know.”
“How do you suppose me to act, you fool? Look at it from a different angle; you’ve matured along the show, people are looking forward to see you. You’re a star. Albeit our worry, we are all proud of you - well, at least, rest assured, I am proud of you. Regrets are a waste of time. They’re the past crippling you in the present.”
“Well. It’s easier said than done.”
“Song Minho. Come on. If I can only choose one thing I like best from you is that you’re always this ball of sunshine. You spread positivity to everyone around you. You’re our happy vitamin. What’s with the gloomy mood? Come on, show me my optimistic, positive Song Minho. This too shall pass, remember?”
“For heaven’s sake. You don’t get it,” Mino suddenly sat up and looked upwards, straight into the ceiling.
“You don’t fucking get it. I’m tired, okay. I’m tired of having to always be exactly that - yours truly, your ball of sunshine, your optimistic, positive Song Minho. Am I not entitled to feel depressed? Am I not allowed to be gloomy? Give me a break.”
Seunghoon sat on silence.
“People expect me to be the assertive, confident person I’ve always portrayed. The big and strong and overbearing dog. Fuck that.”
“I’m sorry.”
Seunghoon didn’t know what to say - he felt guilty for not understanding the guy he has been around with for the past year; for only being able to grasp what Mino had kept hidden behind his smiles now; and most importantly, for not being there when Mino needed him.
Mino let out a deep sigh as he looked at his hyung’s face. He stared at Seunghoon, secretly disappointed that his usually sensible hyung couldn’t figure it out by himself. Mino had a plethora of emotions he wanted to express, pages and pages of tirade waiting to be written - all so jumbled up on his head that he didn’t know where to begin with.
“Do you ever feel afraid, hyung?”
“Me?”
Mino lightly nodded.
“Why, of course, dearest.
I think all my life I have always been afraid. I was afraid to disappoint my mother when I went to audition for K-Pop Star. I was afraid of being eliminated. I was afraid when the judges said my singing was subpar. I was afraid when I decided to move alone to Seoul. I was afraid entering YG, afraid that I wouldn’t be good enough for the company I’ve always dreamed of. I was afraid of being in the same team with you guys, afraid that my talents will not suffice. I was afraid that I will be the one holding you all back - I don’t have killer vocals, don’t play the guitar, I don’t look like I’m a hand-crafted porcelain doll 24/7, I don’t rap as good.
Heck, Mino, I was afraid when I first know you’re going to be the rapper too - what can an inexperienced boy with a thick Busan accent do, paired with a famed underground rapper like you. I wrote my first rap ever in my K-Pop Star audition, for crying out loud.”
Mino didn’t know that. Yes, he knows so well that Seunghoon doesn’t like sharing his plans or short term goals to others, afraid that they’ll sneer on him if he fails and disregard him if he succeeds. But the fragile Seunghoon; he has never heard before.
“Hyung, I -”
“Yes, I was a nobody from Busan. Yes, I wasn’t born with a silver spoon on my mouth. I am flawed. You are too. You, along with 7.3 billion other people out there, are flawed. Imperfect. And it does not matter. It does not mean a thing.”
Seunghoon stared fondly at Mino - the 22 years old guy in an oversized sweater, who you could have easily mistaken for an overgrown 4-year old kid judging from his timid expression and body language. He stroked Mino’s temple with his forefinger, his thumb running down his cheeks to his jawline.
“You just need to acknowledge and live by it. That you’re imperfect and flawed. That you are vulnerable, humane, lacking. That you are afraid. That you have fear.”
The last sentence hit him like a dagger. Mino has always seen (or at least, persuaded) himself as a strong, unbeatable and unrivaled man. It was his very source of confidence - although unknowingly evolved into being his biggest weakness, feeding to his insecurity and lowering his self-esteem.
Mino closed his eyes - unknowingly tears fell down on his face, eventually leading to light sobbing. He buried his face on his knees. Seunghoon sat closer and put his hand around Mino, with the other hand on Mino’s knee.
“What matters is how you face your fear and strive to be a better person the next day.”
Mino continued sobbing. Thoughts after thoughts, memories after memories came into his mind - of his previous failures not debuting as a Block B, his seemingly unsuccessful ballad group, his failure to be Team A’s leader, his elimination round controversy. His sobs got more frequent and his sighs deeper.
“Just remember, failure is not fatal - it is the courage to continue that counts.”
Mino snorted a little, “did you just become wiser or did you just googled up “best quotes on failure” just now?”
“I’d like to think it is the former than the latter. On all seriousness, though, you don’t have to be afraid. You have me.”
Mino burst into laughter, “hyung, you’re one weird, freaking cheesy bastard.”
“If all it takes is to be a bastard to make you laugh, I don’t mind being the biggest bastard in the world.”
“Stop with all the cheese!”
They both had a long, good laugh. Mino liked it the most when Seunghoon laughs - carefree, cute (especially those cheeks and eye smile) and radiant. His laughs softened as it turned into a warm smile.
“Thank you. You’re like a bed. Perhaps the best of its kind. You have this ability to heal people, you know.”
“I know.”
“Shut up.”
“You cheese.”
“You are too.”
“I’m a fine old Dutch cheese.”
Mino rested his head on Seunghoon’s chest, both of them looking at the ceiling.
“Hey hyung. My next Show Me The Money taping is just 8 days away.”
“Dude, we know that. If you look at our group calendar on the common room, the only activities that we have for the coming weeks are yours. By now we’ve remembered the dates by heart. Isn’t it a sad, boring life nowadays to be us? You better use your opportunity optimally. No pressure though.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Why?”
“Nothing. Just promise me you’ll watch the semi-final episode,” Mino said to Seunghoon - wholeheartedly, delightedly and gratefully.
---
EPILOGUE
Okinawa, 29 October 2015.
“Hyung, do you want to sing Fear with me?” Mino asked.
Seunghoon smiled, nodded and said, “thought you’d never ask.”