Dust // Part I: Coming back
Pairing: Seunghoon/Minho (Winner)
Rating: PG13
Genre: Character Study/Angst
Warning: Major Character Death (!!!), mild swearing
Summary: For Seunghoon, the Day irreversibly changed his life and the Book irreversibly changed his feelings. It was only too late for him to read it now.
A/N:
The first chapter of this work includes Pokémon reference (minor, not related to main plot of the story). Noting that not everyone is into and familiar with Pokémon, for convenience's sake, I am explaining briefly on the parts of Pokémon that is referred to in this work.
This pokemon is called Eevee. Given a stone, it can evolve into different types of Pokémon depending on which stone it is exposed to. There are many types of Pokémon such as grass, ice, fire, etc. as you can see in the picture above.
-----
The Figurine.
Mino’s death left a gaping hole in all of the members’ hearts.
The toys and figures lined up in his cabinet are dusty; the snapbacks are hung, untouched; the corridor in the dorm has never been so quiet; and Seunghoon never felt so despondent, crestfallen and empty in his life.
He hasn’t visited their dorm for three weeks and two days (he counted). After the service for Mino, the members decided to take a full month break for it was too painful for them to continue living their normal life, knowing that their life will never be like those of the day Before.
All four of them in unison silently agreed that it is best for them to stay away from their dorm - Taehyun went to live in with his girlfriend, Jinwoo went back to Imjado Island and Seungyoon went missing, not disclosing his whereabouts to the rest of the members. Seunghoon rented a small flat near Gangnam, hoping that the hustle and bustle and endless crowds mend his broken self.
After the Day, Seunghoon has spent too many hours lying on his back, staring into the damp ceiling as if staring into the void. He has lost weight - at one point, he completely lost his appetite that he skipped a full day without eating. At some nights, he couldn’t sleep, choosing instead to dwell on his fond memories with Mino, the memories and enticed feelings he knows he would never repeat.
He didn’t bring any of his stuffs that could remind him of Mino and his group Winner - as a matter of fact, he didn’t bring anything from his dorm except for Bumblebee (his famous yellow luggage), his laptop and whatever is in his backpack, and his blanket, hastily stuffed into his luggage. Seunghoon was never the type of person who cleaned up after his room; adding an immense sense of sadness on top of it, and you’ll get one guaranteed messy flat. One corner of his flat was full of empty ramen cups he didn’t bother disposing of, whereas on another corner was a pile of clothes - clean and dirty laundry indiscernible, and next to his bed was a jumbled up laptop, phone, Nintendo DS, hard drive, and USB cables. He got used to navigate his way out of the mess - anyways, he didn’t need to move around so often.
On a Wednesday morning, after spending Sunday to Tuesday binge-watching TV series and YouTube videos and eating on deliveries and instant ramen, Seunghoon decided to go out for fresh air. He managed to pull out a black, oversized sweater and gray sweatpants from his pile of clothes. Seunghoon gave up trying (or bothering, really) to keep his outfit stylish to maintain his “fashionable idol” persona after the Day.
He was walking around Gangnam district when he passed by a small shop selling movie memorabilia and collectibles. His heart skipped a beat when he saw a small Espeon figure sitting between a fierce Gyarados and the three legendary birds.
Espeon is the only figure from all eight Pokémon evolutions of Eevee that Mino hasn’t owned yet.
Seunghoon brought Mino into liking Pokémon, after the younger guy’s constant complain to Seunghoon whenever he starts his 100% immersion in his Nintendo DS, completely ignoring the world around him. The only way for the complains to end, Seunghoon thought, was to introduce the wonders of Pokémon to Mino - which apparently was an easy task knowing how Mino was such a sucker for collectibles and toys (he completely ignored the path to be a Pokémon Champion and only biked and traded around to complete his Pokédex).
Seunghoon went inside the shop and searched for the figure. He saw instead all nine forms of Eevee - along with them, the moments and memories each figure brought into life. Eevee - Big Bang’s Japan Dome Tour Osaka 2013; Flareon and Vaporeon - Big Bang’s Japan Dome Tour Tokyo 2013; Umbreon and Leafeon - Winner 1st Japan Tour 2014; Glaceon and Jolteon - WWIC in Tokyo; and Sylveon - Winner Japan Tour 2015.
He took the Espeon figure, paid for it and without thorough thinking, heads to the dorm - the very place he has been avoiding for God knows how many days.
---
He hated this place. He hated knowing how this dorm would never be the same - that there is one less occupant and a lot less laugh.
The dorm is thick with dust. The fridge is full with expired cartons of milk and wilted vegetables. Papers with new song lyrics are still scattered across the common room’s table. Abandoned.
Such an awful sight. He thought.
Seunghoon walked to Mino’s room. The door is closed shut and he spent a handful of minutes in front of Mino’s room, inhaling and exhaling, gathering courage and sanity.
-----
The Day.
They went back to the dorm with no single word spoken along the car ride back. One can sense the heartbreak in the air - the despair, the anger, the sadness. None of them dared to make eye contact. None of them was able to make eye contact.
Arriving at the dorm, Seungyoon headed to his room and shut his door, Taehyun took his cigarette and went to the rooftop, and Jinwoo walked to the balcony and sat, eyes empty gazing at Seoul’s sky. Seunghoon was left standing on the corridor. He didn’t know where to go. Some guitar tunes were heard from Seungyoon’s room, playing random songs with major chords, the sound echoed the entire dorm.
Having nowhere to go, Seunghoon brought himself to the kitchen, staring blankly into the fridge, then to the stove, then to the cabinet. Seungyoon’s guitar was playing continuously on A, G, and C chords. Seunghoon walked into the cabinet and the sink. Unconsciously, he took his gray coat off and started taking the clean plates from the cabinet. He opened the faucet and started washing the clean plates. Plates after plates.
Seungyoon’s guitar sound was getting louder and louder.
Mugs after mugs.
Seungyoon’s guitar sounded off.
Glasses after glasses.
Seungyoon’s guitar tunes did not have any chords by now and instead played loud, fast-paced, angry strums.
The plates and mugs again.
Seungyoon inhaled and exhaled loudly.
CRASH! One plate slipped off Seunghoon’s hands into the sink.
Seungyoon let out a loud scream. The sound of his guitar slammed to the floor echoed through the dorm.
The water from the faucet still ran. The plate shattered. Seunghoon's hands were shaking terribly and he soaked them in the sink.
Jinwoo curled up, lying on the balcony floor. Hugging himself, wrapped in the gray hoodie.
The tip of Taehyun’s cigarette burned. Ashes dropping from the cigarrete placed in between his shaking fingers.
Seungyoon’s guitar string snapped.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
The rooftop, the balcony, the kitchen and the room became witnesses of the four men in their twenties consumed by dejection.
Song Mino is dead. Song Mino is dead and there is nothing they can do to bring his smile back to life. Song Mino is dead and he would never ever come home to this godforsaken dorm.
-----
The Room.
The room still smelled of white musk - Mino’s favorite scent.
No one apparently has visited this room since the Day, evident from the lifeless scene Seunghoon saw in front of him: Mino’s favorite sketchbook is still sitting on his desk, his hoodies still hung behind the door, his star-shaped night lamp still plugged, some of his socks were still inside his laundry bag. Everything seemed normal and it was not like their owners have left them.
Seunghoon went to Mino’s collectibles rack. Up to this day, he does not understand how Mino could be so invested in buying all these figures from different sorts of comic books and movies - some of these movies Mino had never watched.
“Hyung, it’s art,” he remembered Mino said.
Yeah, and it costs you a fortune, he thought to himself.
He took out the Espeon figure out of his pocket, and put it in the middle of the eight Eevees.
Hey, look. I’ve completed it now. You should be happy.
Seunghoon spent a minute or two looking at the nine figures, before he decided to divert his attention, afraid that he would drown in unnecessary sadness had he been looking at it any longer. Seunghoon then looked at his desk - and how it could be horribly animate and inanimate at the same time.
The desk, like the room, was normal. Too normal, in fact, that it irked him so much. It screams “MY OWNER IS ALIVE AND WELL AND WILL CLEAN US UP AFTER THIS!” which he truly, really hated. He guessed this was the part that got skipped and cut in every movie and every novel after a character’s death, because it’s so mundane, boring, and…normal? He wished the things would sort their selves out by themselves and march into two different boxes, one ready for donation (mostly the clothes, accessories, gadgets and books - basically those that cost a fortune), one ready to be kept by the grieving family (the notebooks, DIY stuffs, vintage and dusty childhood items, photographs - basically those that cost a little).
Isn’t it ironic, the most valuable of items are those with the lowest price tags?
Seunghoon opened his sketchbook - something he instantly regretted doing. Everyone knows Mino had always been a good artist, yet most of them never really saw his sketches and doodles that he kept in this sketchbook of his. He had lots and lots of sketchbooks - how could he not, when he would always bring one on his bag wherever he went.
He once joked to Mino that the phrase “…[life is] like an open book” is definitely inspired by Mino, since one can really understand Mino just by looking at his drawings in his sketchbook.
A sketch of The Parliament Building- it must have been from when they were shooting in London; abstract geometric shapes; cartoon caricatures of the members - from when the members were camping out; some graffiti and typography of the word “WINNER” - if some people still doubt that Mino was not happy to be part of a non-hip-hop group that is Winner, Seunghoon thought of shoving this artwork to their faces; and-
a back view of Seunghoon.
What the fuck. He couldn’t believe what he just saw. It was a rough sketch of him - his neck, his messy hair, his t-shirt, half of his tattoo peeking out of his t-shirt. It’s his back profile. Definitely his.
As Seunghoon flipped through the pages, he found yet another sketch. It was his side profile now. The eyes were not yet drawn - “Hyung, it’s hardest to draw eyes,” - but the nose, lips, jawline are strikingly similar to Seunghoon’s.
Then he found another one, sketches after sketches. Cute doodles of Seunghoon’s keychains, Ihee and Otto; rough outlines of Seunghoon dancing, of him pondering; sketches of his face in pencil, in watercolor.
He closed the book abruptly, unable to bear looking at another sketch.
What the actual fuck.
Rating: PG13
Genre: Character Study/Angst
Warning: Major Character Death (!!!), mild swearing
Summary: For Seunghoon, the Day irreversibly changed his life and the Book irreversibly changed his feelings. It was only too late for him to read it now.
A/N:
The first chapter of this work includes Pokémon reference (minor, not related to main plot of the story). Noting that not everyone is into and familiar with Pokémon, for convenience's sake, I am explaining briefly on the parts of Pokémon that is referred to in this work.
This pokemon is called Eevee. Given a stone, it can evolve into different types of Pokémon depending on which stone it is exposed to. There are many types of Pokémon such as grass, ice, fire, etc. as you can see in the picture above.
-----
The Figurine.
Mino’s death left a gaping hole in all of the members’ hearts.
The toys and figures lined up in his cabinet are dusty; the snapbacks are hung, untouched; the corridor in the dorm has never been so quiet; and Seunghoon never felt so despondent, crestfallen and empty in his life.
He hasn’t visited their dorm for three weeks and two days (he counted). After the service for Mino, the members decided to take a full month break for it was too painful for them to continue living their normal life, knowing that their life will never be like those of the day Before.
All four of them in unison silently agreed that it is best for them to stay away from their dorm - Taehyun went to live in with his girlfriend, Jinwoo went back to Imjado Island and Seungyoon went missing, not disclosing his whereabouts to the rest of the members. Seunghoon rented a small flat near Gangnam, hoping that the hustle and bustle and endless crowds mend his broken self.
After the Day, Seunghoon has spent too many hours lying on his back, staring into the damp ceiling as if staring into the void. He has lost weight - at one point, he completely lost his appetite that he skipped a full day without eating. At some nights, he couldn’t sleep, choosing instead to dwell on his fond memories with Mino, the memories and enticed feelings he knows he would never repeat.
He didn’t bring any of his stuffs that could remind him of Mino and his group Winner - as a matter of fact, he didn’t bring anything from his dorm except for Bumblebee (his famous yellow luggage), his laptop and whatever is in his backpack, and his blanket, hastily stuffed into his luggage. Seunghoon was never the type of person who cleaned up after his room; adding an immense sense of sadness on top of it, and you’ll get one guaranteed messy flat. One corner of his flat was full of empty ramen cups he didn’t bother disposing of, whereas on another corner was a pile of clothes - clean and dirty laundry indiscernible, and next to his bed was a jumbled up laptop, phone, Nintendo DS, hard drive, and USB cables. He got used to navigate his way out of the mess - anyways, he didn’t need to move around so often.
On a Wednesday morning, after spending Sunday to Tuesday binge-watching TV series and YouTube videos and eating on deliveries and instant ramen, Seunghoon decided to go out for fresh air. He managed to pull out a black, oversized sweater and gray sweatpants from his pile of clothes. Seunghoon gave up trying (or bothering, really) to keep his outfit stylish to maintain his “fashionable idol” persona after the Day.
He was walking around Gangnam district when he passed by a small shop selling movie memorabilia and collectibles. His heart skipped a beat when he saw a small Espeon figure sitting between a fierce Gyarados and the three legendary birds.
Espeon is the only figure from all eight Pokémon evolutions of Eevee that Mino hasn’t owned yet.
Seunghoon brought Mino into liking Pokémon, after the younger guy’s constant complain to Seunghoon whenever he starts his 100% immersion in his Nintendo DS, completely ignoring the world around him. The only way for the complains to end, Seunghoon thought, was to introduce the wonders of Pokémon to Mino - which apparently was an easy task knowing how Mino was such a sucker for collectibles and toys (he completely ignored the path to be a Pokémon Champion and only biked and traded around to complete his Pokédex).
Seunghoon went inside the shop and searched for the figure. He saw instead all nine forms of Eevee - along with them, the moments and memories each figure brought into life. Eevee - Big Bang’s Japan Dome Tour Osaka 2013; Flareon and Vaporeon - Big Bang’s Japan Dome Tour Tokyo 2013; Umbreon and Leafeon - Winner 1st Japan Tour 2014; Glaceon and Jolteon - WWIC in Tokyo; and Sylveon - Winner Japan Tour 2015.
He took the Espeon figure, paid for it and without thorough thinking, heads to the dorm - the very place he has been avoiding for God knows how many days.
---
He hated this place. He hated knowing how this dorm would never be the same - that there is one less occupant and a lot less laugh.
The dorm is thick with dust. The fridge is full with expired cartons of milk and wilted vegetables. Papers with new song lyrics are still scattered across the common room’s table. Abandoned.
Such an awful sight. He thought.
Seunghoon walked to Mino’s room. The door is closed shut and he spent a handful of minutes in front of Mino’s room, inhaling and exhaling, gathering courage and sanity.
-----
The Day.
They went back to the dorm with no single word spoken along the car ride back. One can sense the heartbreak in the air - the despair, the anger, the sadness. None of them dared to make eye contact. None of them was able to make eye contact.
Arriving at the dorm, Seungyoon headed to his room and shut his door, Taehyun took his cigarette and went to the rooftop, and Jinwoo walked to the balcony and sat, eyes empty gazing at Seoul’s sky. Seunghoon was left standing on the corridor. He didn’t know where to go. Some guitar tunes were heard from Seungyoon’s room, playing random songs with major chords, the sound echoed the entire dorm.
Having nowhere to go, Seunghoon brought himself to the kitchen, staring blankly into the fridge, then to the stove, then to the cabinet. Seungyoon’s guitar was playing continuously on A, G, and C chords. Seunghoon walked into the cabinet and the sink. Unconsciously, he took his gray coat off and started taking the clean plates from the cabinet. He opened the faucet and started washing the clean plates. Plates after plates.
Seungyoon’s guitar sound was getting louder and louder.
Mugs after mugs.
Seungyoon’s guitar sounded off.
Glasses after glasses.
Seungyoon’s guitar tunes did not have any chords by now and instead played loud, fast-paced, angry strums.
The plates and mugs again.
Seungyoon inhaled and exhaled loudly.
CRASH! One plate slipped off Seunghoon’s hands into the sink.
Seungyoon let out a loud scream. The sound of his guitar slammed to the floor echoed through the dorm.
The water from the faucet still ran. The plate shattered. Seunghoon's hands were shaking terribly and he soaked them in the sink.
Jinwoo curled up, lying on the balcony floor. Hugging himself, wrapped in the gray hoodie.
The tip of Taehyun’s cigarette burned. Ashes dropping from the cigarrete placed in between his shaking fingers.
Seungyoon’s guitar string snapped.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
The rooftop, the balcony, the kitchen and the room became witnesses of the four men in their twenties consumed by dejection.
Song Mino is dead. Song Mino is dead and there is nothing they can do to bring his smile back to life. Song Mino is dead and he would never ever come home to this godforsaken dorm.
-----
The Room.
The room still smelled of white musk - Mino’s favorite scent.
No one apparently has visited this room since the Day, evident from the lifeless scene Seunghoon saw in front of him: Mino’s favorite sketchbook is still sitting on his desk, his hoodies still hung behind the door, his star-shaped night lamp still plugged, some of his socks were still inside his laundry bag. Everything seemed normal and it was not like their owners have left them.
Seunghoon went to Mino’s collectibles rack. Up to this day, he does not understand how Mino could be so invested in buying all these figures from different sorts of comic books and movies - some of these movies Mino had never watched.
“Hyung, it’s art,” he remembered Mino said.
Yeah, and it costs you a fortune, he thought to himself.
He took out the Espeon figure out of his pocket, and put it in the middle of the eight Eevees.
Hey, look. I’ve completed it now. You should be happy.
Seunghoon spent a minute or two looking at the nine figures, before he decided to divert his attention, afraid that he would drown in unnecessary sadness had he been looking at it any longer. Seunghoon then looked at his desk - and how it could be horribly animate and inanimate at the same time.
The desk, like the room, was normal. Too normal, in fact, that it irked him so much. It screams “MY OWNER IS ALIVE AND WELL AND WILL CLEAN US UP AFTER THIS!” which he truly, really hated. He guessed this was the part that got skipped and cut in every movie and every novel after a character’s death, because it’s so mundane, boring, and…normal? He wished the things would sort their selves out by themselves and march into two different boxes, one ready for donation (mostly the clothes, accessories, gadgets and books - basically those that cost a fortune), one ready to be kept by the grieving family (the notebooks, DIY stuffs, vintage and dusty childhood items, photographs - basically those that cost a little).
Isn’t it ironic, the most valuable of items are those with the lowest price tags?
Seunghoon opened his sketchbook - something he instantly regretted doing. Everyone knows Mino had always been a good artist, yet most of them never really saw his sketches and doodles that he kept in this sketchbook of his. He had lots and lots of sketchbooks - how could he not, when he would always bring one on his bag wherever he went.
He once joked to Mino that the phrase “…[life is] like an open book” is definitely inspired by Mino, since one can really understand Mino just by looking at his drawings in his sketchbook.
A sketch of The Parliament Building- it must have been from when they were shooting in London; abstract geometric shapes; cartoon caricatures of the members - from when the members were camping out; some graffiti and typography of the word “WINNER” - if some people still doubt that Mino was not happy to be part of a non-hip-hop group that is Winner, Seunghoon thought of shoving this artwork to their faces; and-
a back view of Seunghoon.
What the fuck. He couldn’t believe what he just saw. It was a rough sketch of him - his neck, his messy hair, his t-shirt, half of his tattoo peeking out of his t-shirt. It’s his back profile. Definitely his.
As Seunghoon flipped through the pages, he found yet another sketch. It was his side profile now. The eyes were not yet drawn - “Hyung, it’s hardest to draw eyes,” - but the nose, lips, jawline are strikingly similar to Seunghoon’s.
Then he found another one, sketches after sketches. Cute doodles of Seunghoon’s keychains, Ihee and Otto; rough outlines of Seunghoon dancing, of him pondering; sketches of his face in pencil, in watercolor.
He closed the book abruptly, unable to bear looking at another sketch.
What the actual fuck.