Pagan humour
Firstly, cartoons!
Finally, a church that endorses sex!
Prayer time at school
Doonsbury
The dangers of drink flying
The Day after a Samhain party
Why Witches don't eat American kids
And the rest are under a cut to save your flist :D
Top 13 Reasons to become a Witch
13. I live for persecution!
12. I'm a night person at heart.
11. We respect our elders...and alders, and willows and oaks.
10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.
9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!
8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.
7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).
6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you comeback...
5. Double the deities, double the fun!
4. We get more holidays.
3. Brooms get great mileage.
2. We were here first!
1. BELTANE!!!
Pagan terms
Just a few definitions for you beginners:
1st Degree: A person who gets to do all the work.
2nd Degree: A person who gets to complain about the 1st degrees and the High Priestess.
3rd Degree: A person who never shows up at rituals.
Athame: A ritual knife; the bigger the knife, the less power the bearer has.
Book of Shadows: A messy, handwritten book that contains copies of everyone else's rituals.
Ceremonial Magician: Someone with bad hygiene habits, who reads Crowley, takes drugs and practices looking menacing.
Circle: Some assemblage of people standing or sitting in an uneven, or oval shape.
Coven: A bunch of people who fight like family and get together several times a month to party.
Crowley: A weird guy whom lots of people worship because he died a syphilitic drug addict. (Kinda like Curt Cobain and Elvis).
Full Moon: Any Saturday that occurs sometime close to the actual calendar full moon.
High Priest: Whoever the High Priestess is sleeping with this week.
High Priestess: A self-appointed leader; must be bossy, opinionated and have a large ego.
Initiation: Status that you receive after a big party held in your honor.
Magick: Any weird result after you do a spell or ritual for something; may or may not have anything to do with what you were working for.
Maiden: An ambitious 2nd degree (usually a womyn) who aspires to be High Priestess, so she can do things right!
New Moon: A chance for the High Priestess to get really drunk and sleep with (and initiate) a new High Priest.
Pagan: A person who wears tie dye and practices the party religion.
Pagan Standard Time: If a ritual is scheduled for 6pm, people show up around 9, and the ritual finally gets started at 10:30.
Pagan Daylight Time: If a ritual is scheduled for noon, everyone usually shows up before dark.
Ritual: A reason to assemble with others, kvetch and eventually have some sort of ceremony.
Ritual Wear: A flashy dress or outfit that makes the wearer look like an actor in a bad fantasy movie.
Sabbat: Any Saturday close to the actual day, excuse for a big party.
Wiccan: Conservative person who wears normal clothes, lots of jewelry, recycles everything and used to be a witch.
Witch: Someone who wears lots of black and jewelry, reads Gardner and practices the party religion.
- by Sylvana SilverWitch
You Know You're a Witch When...
1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.
2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"
3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.
4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.
5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.
6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha's mother Endora.
7. When travelling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems.
8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store (well, I thought about it).
9. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday.
10. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".
Top 10 Beltane Pick-up Lines
10. "Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?"
9. "Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?"
8. "Would you like to come over to my place and widdershins?"
7. "Your feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind all night long."
6. "Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?"
5. "Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not legal marriage."
4. "So, do you draw down the moon here often?"
3. "What's a nymph-goddess like you doing in a circle like this?"
2. "You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen."
1. "Is that a Maypole in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
The Wannabe Tarot
Neo-pagan religions can be fun, but some pagans unfortunately go through a period of religious fanaticism. And fanaticism often limits an important part of your spirit: your sense of humor. It takes time to recover from fanaticism. Now there is a Tarot deck for recovering pagan religious fanatics.
The Neophyte
A priest and priestess stand facing one another, performing the Great Rite symbolically by plunging a dagger into a chalice. In the circle surrounding them, a neophyte covers her smiling mouth, trying to suppress a giggle.
Divinatory Meaning
- Innocence. A new beginning. There was a time when all of this was good natured fun and not something you took so seriously.
Reversed Meaning
- Difficulty in expressing honest laughter. You're taking this all too seriously. Get a life.
* The Magician
The magician stands outside his double-parked car in a jammed parking lot. He wears full ceremonial regalia and has an altar setup, In his hand is an open book entitled, "Incantations to Asphaltia to find parking spaces."
Divinatory Meaning
- You need to understand your own resources better Don't use a sledgehammer to knock on a door.
Reversed Meaning
- You have lost sight that the map is not the territory.
* The High Priestess
A Wiccan priestess stands, arms outstretched, wearing several pounds worth of pentacles, Celtic jewelry, astrological bracelets, and medallions. She looks ready to tip over.
Divinatory Meaning
- You may find yourself with sudden yearnings to join a Roman Catholic convert or seminary. Even if you're most definitely not Catholic. Don't scoff. Stranger things have happened
Reversed Meaning
- You are ready to liberate yourself from the shackles of your old way of life and to put on the shackles of a new way of life.
* The Nature-Lover?
In the middle of the woods stands a pagan with her face caked in rouge and eye shadow and lipstick. She holds up a symbol of nature - a miniature plastic tree.
Divinatory Meaning
- Examine that what you claim is your passion is something that you're really passionate about.
Reversed meaning
- You are secretly a technocrat.
* The Emporium
A pagan bookstore owner stands behind a counter in a bookstore jam-packed with books, pentacles, candles, Celtic jewelry, Tarot decks, etc. Behind him a sign reads, "Pagan Emporium Bookstore: Offering Ancient Wisdom Since 1995."
Divinatory Meaning
- Don't just settle for "Question authority." Question those who claim to be authority.
Reversed Meaning
- Question those authors who tell you to question authority, but then still want you to buy their books and follow their advice verbatim.
* Grand High Muckety-Muck
A solemn Wiccan priest stands before an altar holding an athame. Hanging on the wall behind him is a certificate which reads, "Certified Wiccan initiate. Certificate granted by Walte's Wild Warehouse of Wicca."
Divinatory Meaning
- Don't get distracted by initiations, titles, special abilities, etc. Focus instead on what capabilities you really need to live your life.
Reversed Meaning
- You have an insatiable desire to get initiated. Consider joining either the Fraternal Order of the Hedgehogs or else the Order of the Co-Hedgehogs and get this whole initiation business out of your system.
* The Lovers
A young couple are having a handfasting performed in a grove of oak trees on a sunny summer afternoon.
Divinatory meaning
- Don't get too cynical. You may be recovering from fanaticism, but keep in mind that good things can sometimes still happen in the religion.
Reversed Meaning
- All you really need is love. And if you don't want to follow that advice, well, then, hey, the song by the same name is still cool.
* The Broom
A teenage Goth witch runs down the sidewalk attempting to ride a battered broomstick. A cleaning lady with a dustpan in one hand chases after her, hoping to retrieve her stolen broom.
Divinatory Meaning
- You need to develop a better relationship with what occultists begrudgingly refer to as "the Mundane World."
Reversed Meaning
- Maybe you really are a boring person after all. Time to clean up your act.
* The Hungry Vegetarian
There's a long buffet table at a wedding banquet. Whole roast pig, roast duck, baked chicken, glazed turkey, and caved ham fill the buffet table. One teeny tiny carrot resides on the plate of the hungry vegetarian. She eyes the roast pig, perhaps wondering if it might be made out of tofu rather than meat.
Divinatory meaning
- Time to change your habits.
Reversed Meaning
- Go eat a hot dog on a Friday.
* The Hermit
The Hermit wears a dark gray robe and has a dark gray beard. He holds a gnarled staff in one hand and a blazing lantern in the other hand. He is doing this however in a crowded movie theater, and the theater patrons scowl at him.
Divinatory Meaning
- Don't just trust yourself. Learn what part of yourself to trust.
Reversed Meaning
- It is better to have something you believe in rather than to just knock down what you don't believe in.
* The Wheel Of Fortune
A pagan dressed in purple and yellow robes holds a stick of incense in one hand and a compass in the other hand. He glares at the compass. The needle point is spinning wildly, so that he can't tell which direction is east for quarter-calling.
Divinatory Meaning
- Don't just find a new direction - create a new direction.
Reversed Meaning
- When you think your life is moving somewhere, maybe you're just going in circles.
* The Skeptic
A blindfolded man stands facing a full-length mirror.
Divinatory Meaning
- You may say that there is nothing of value in divinatory tools. But divinatory tools are nothing more than a means of looking at yourself. So perhaps you are saying that there is nothing of value in yourself. A man who swallows a placebo cannot deny his own mouth.
Reversed Meaning
- You will see through the illusions created by others. Be on guard against becoming snotty. Be careful that you do not forget that even illusions have their value. A man who imagines roses in the clouds can be inspired to become a gardener.
* The Contortionist
You see a contortionist, his body twisted in what appears to be an impossible position. In fact, his head appear to be stuck up his own rectum.
Divinatory Meaning
- You need to get your head out of your arse.
Reversed Meaning
- Even though you think that this doesn't apply to you, you really need to get your head out of your arse.
* Renewal
An occultist's apartment is in flames. His shelves are jammed with ceremonial daggers, magical talismans, occult journals/books, and esoteric tools. Out of all of this wealth of stuff, what will he try to rescue from the flames? Actually, he is reaching for his cat.
Divinatory Meaning
- You are about to encounter a situation in your life where you will make decisions that will show you the limits of occultism. Occultism is meant to serve life, not the other way around.
Reversed Meaning
- Be nice to your cat.
* Temperance
In a candle lit room, a Hermeticist holds a rosy cross in his left hand and a pentacle in the right hand. To his left side is a host of symbols of crosses and grails. To his right side is a host of daggers and pentacles. Behind him, a window with the shades drawn is open a crack to reveal a hint of sunlight and the wide open outdoors.
Divinatory Meaning
- You need to open yourself up to more than what you currently allow yourself to experience.
Reversed Meaning
- You are a freak. Perhaps you should spend more time secluded from others so that others do not discover this.
* The Adversary
The scene is two booths set up at a psychic fair - each booth manned by a practitioner. The first booth has a big sign over it, "Pagan Shamanistic Journeying Counseling." The practitioner of this booth glares at the practitioner of the second booth. The sign over the second booth reads, "New Age Shamanistic Journeying Counseling."
Divinatory Meaning
- There are things that you dislike that are more similar to you than you care to admit.
Reversed Meaning
- Stock market analysts and weather forecasters often give pretty lousy predictions. Don't expect a fortune-teller to give perfect predictions, but don't look too harshly upon them either. They are trying to get you to understand yourself -- and while they may be dead-wrong on some of what they say, the need to understand yourself is real.
* The Tower of Books
An armchair magician has a den jammed full of occult books. In one armchair is a huge stack of books almost up to the ceiling. He stands on a stool trying to add yet another book to the top of the stack, ignorant of the fact that the tower is about ready to topple over on him.
Divinatory Meaning
- You need to learn to put your ideas into action.
Reversed Meaning
- Clean your room.
* The Celebrity
In an occult bookstore, a pagan celebrity sits at a book signing table, signing copies of her book, Witchcrap for Morons." A few feet away from the table, a group of neo-pagans are scowling and turning their nose up at the author.
Divinatory Meaning
- It is far easier for you to condemn what others create than it is for you to create something that you find to be of value. But you really need to learn to trust your own creative projects more.
Reversed Meaning
- Quit spending so much time in occult bookstores.
* The Moon
A pagan painter stands by a moonlit window as he paints a picture of the crescent moon. The depiction of the moon is very well-crafted, but then the painter is going back in and adding some crudely designed pentacles on the moon, lest you forget that this is supposed to be pagan art. Behind him, his two dogs bark fiercely.
Divinatory Meaning
- If you can let go of your pretentiousness, your talents can blossom.
Reversed Meaning
- Don't forget to feed your dogs.
* The Golden Apple
Three pagan women stand wrestling over who gets the Golden Apple. Behind them, unnoticed, stands a giggling Eris, who holds an entire basket of Golden Apples.
Divinatory Meaning
- Keep your perspective on what's really important.
Reversed Meaning
- In order to allow a god or goddess room into your heart, you must not be too full of yourself.
* Judgment by Conspiracy Theorists
A fundamentalist minister rallies against a pagan group. The minister conjures up images of animal sacrifice and human sacrifice. Meanwhile, the pagan group in question is sitting around in a committee meeting eating vegan chili and tofu.
Divinatory Meaning
- You need to get on with your life and worry less about what other people think.
Reversed Meaning
- You need to get on with your life and worry less about what other people think. On the other hand, this doesn't give you license to be an arsehole.
* The World in a Pack of Cards
A grungy prisoner in solitary confinement sits in a barren cell. No bed, no food, no sunlight, just a pack of Tarot cards in front of him. A 19th century occultist once said that a prisoner alone in a prison cell with nothing but a pack of Tarot cards would acquire all world knowledge. But, well, this prisoner could probably better use some food and some sunlight and a shower.
Divinatory Meaning
- Get a hobby.
Reversed Meaning
- No, really, get a hobby.
Top 10 Reasons Witches Don't Worship Satan
10. Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests
9. Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone
8. Hard to keep the flaming goat skulls lit
7. Decreased availability of blonde virgins
6. Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet
5. Wailing of the damned souls in Hell keeps the neighbors awake
4. The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him
3. Repeated stooping motions for administering the "Kiss of Shame" difficult on the older coven members
2. Demons smell even worse than brimstone
1. It's impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!
The 13 Commandments
1. Thou shall not turn thy ex into a frog.
2. Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
3. Thou shall not laugh at nekked snow sprites.
4. Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.
5. Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.
6. Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood if thy are in times of burning.
7. Thou shall not question the word of thy High Priestess - She is God.
8. Thou shall not laugh at being nekked at coven - thou shall be killed.
9. Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.
10. Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind".
11. Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.
12. Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot".
13. Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.
How to Annoy Wiccans
1. Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back.
2. Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad.
3. Rearrange their altar.
4. Clean their "tools."
5. If they mention Magick, ask them to explain...you never understood that dumb card game...
6. Step into that drawn circle and ask them what their doing.
7. Sharpen that dull knife of theirs.
8. Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch.
9. Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched.
10. Put on your best Judy Garland voice and ask "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"
11. Throw water on them and expect them to melt.
12. Explain how adding "an it harm none" completely misses the point of Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is.
13. Lend them a copy of Liber OZ.
14. Take them to a Catholic Mass.
15. Turn their pentagrams upside down.
16. Recite good poetry during ritual.
17. Cast that circle counter-clockwise.
18. Tell the goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation.
19. Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it...? Oh yeah, "The Craft!"
20. When they start talking about "the Goddess" start chanting things in Ouranian barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a subconsciously wired bullshit-cut-off switch.
21. See if they know any Hebrew attributions for, say, tarot. Then ask them why they know.
22. Ask them who Gerald Gardner was. Ask them which degree rites they've been through. Ask them why they haven't, if it's part of the authentic Celtic tradition. Duck, and remind them about the "an' it harm none" bit.
23. Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices.
24. Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess.
25. Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree.
26. Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bare a striking similarity to Golden Dawn rituals.
27. Half way through a ritual, ask the high priestess to wake you when the sex starts...
28. Edit their Book of Shadows, inserting material from one of the assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible.
29. Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of Wicca. When they respond, repeat that you wanted a *good* book on Wicca.
30. When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves.
31. Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad'.
32. Remind them the moon has four phases, not three.
33. Men - wear amber and jet.
34. Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say your swastika is just a rune.
35. Worship the devil and call yourself a 'real witch'.
36. Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people that like having their brain shut down.
37. Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired' a West Country priestess from a local brothel who gasped it during the five fold kiss.
38. Point out that you can't meaningfully be a Kabbalist unless you're Jewish. No, wait, that's for annoying Hermeticists...
39. Put fire wood around the maypole.
20 Ways Not to Get Invited Back to a Circle
1. Take the ritual sword from the alter and make sounds like Darth Vader..."Luke, I am your father!"...and start making light saber noises.
2. Start skat-singing when chanting.
3. Take the ritual athame from the alter and start cleaning your nails with it.
4. When taking a sip of the ritual wine, act like a wine snob and comment on it.
5. When doing the spiral dance, make a conga line.
6. Call down the Goddess with "Get your ass down here, Big Momma!".
7. Call down the God with "Our father,who art in heaven..."
8. When chanting the names of the Goddess, randomly include Pokemon names.
9. When being smudged, complain about second-hand smoke.
10. In a drumming circle, laugh insanely and start drumming the beat to "Wipe Out".
11. When in a skyclad circle, randomly point and laugh.
12. When the ritual wine goblet is passed to you, chug it and ask for more.
13. Invoke Satan.
14. Take out a bible and start evangelizing.
15. Light up a cigar.
16. Bring a cute furry creature and offer it as a blood sacrifice.
17. Talk a lot about casting spells for revenge against people who have offended you.
18. At a handfasting say "Thank God! Maybe now i'll get some grandchildren!"
19. When in circle, answer your cell phone.
20. Respond to "So Mote it Be!" with "Amen!"
You May be a Yuppie Pagan if...
Your BMW stands out among the Toyotas and VWs at the Grand Coven.
You have a three-piece ritual robe.
Your ritual preparation includes stopping at the dry cleaner.
The Priestess sends the ritual wine back to the cellar.
You have considered calling the quarters by telephone.
You purchase astrological charts for companies listed on the NASDAQ.
You use an alphanumeric pager in circle to represent Air.
You want to use the Weber Gas Grill as the ritual bonfire.
You actually buy an Eostara bonnet each year.
You ask your bank for a VISA Gold Card with Stonehenge depicted on its face.
You try to break a $100 bill in the donation pot at a public circle.
The ritual wine is more European than your tradition.
Your ritual robe has no cord because you've gone cellular.
Ritual is postponed due to a bad hairpiece day.
You worry that you don't have a robe that goes well with bare feet.
Jet-lag is a common excuse for being late to coven.
Perrier is the only water you will tolerate in the West.
You initiate your lawyer, insurance agent, and cardiologist just to be on the safe side.
Ritual was canceled because the CD player is in the shop.
You never do a healing ritual for your car.
You have a cute little alligator sewn on the breast pocket of your ritual robe.
Perfect love and perfect trust in your coven oath are annotated with footnotes and conditions.
You have a notarized pre-handfasting agreement.
Your first degree initiation had valet parking.
Spilled wax really matters to you.
You have a Ginsu athame.
Cakes and wine for a dozen sets you back $139.
Your coven is known in the community as "The Rich Corinthians."
You view drawing-down as being the Account Executive to the Gods.
You worry that it would be inappropriate to do Yule at your summer house.
Not everyone gets to use the "good" chalice.
Your ritual bath is a Jacuzzi.
You don't do astral projection, frequent flyer miles are so much easier.
The gardener spends more time in your outdoor temple than you do.
Your familiar is leased.
You stop at the 7-11 to pick up a half cord of firewood for the bonfire.
You are offended by the "We are the old people..." chant ever since the facelift.
You shopped for a ritual staff and came back with two MBAs and an administrative assistant.
Five-fold kiss or not, the thought of lips on your Guccis turns you on.
You would invite the coven to your new house but, well, they're just so messy.
You have not read The Spiral Dance and are waiting for it to be made into a movie.
You had a pocket added to your ritual robe for your cellular phone.
You would go to Pagan festivals if they would just hold them at a nice resort.
Invoking the spirit of fire is expressly forbidden by your townhouse covenants.
You wouldn't use a script in ritual, that's what the laptop computer on the altar is for.
If "In the cool of the evening, we used to gather..." makes you think of getting in a late 18 holes.
Your ritual tools are itemized on your homeowners insurance.
Your car payment is more than your priestess' monthly take home pay.
You wear paste replicas of your ritual jewelry to rituals.
After casting the circle you feel compelled to click that alarm thing on your keychain.
You have a tattoo designed by Nybor and paid for the rights to the design.
You have both the Jerry Garcia and Tim Leary hand painted collector's edition plates on your altar.
The square footage of your ritual circle is a status thing.
Great carpeting is next to godliness.
It just doesn't seem right to call upon the spirits of water without a twist of lime.
Your covenstead has gone condo.
You seldom are asked to call North since everyone knows you just don't do dirt.
You have to hurry the Yule ritual along, the plane for Aspen leaves in an hour.
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Pagan Priestess
As part of an Interfaith community project, A right wing Christian priest, a rabbi, and a Pagan priestess decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they will go on a fishing trip together on a local pond.
They're out in the boat, and the Pagan priestess excuses herself to go to the bathroom back on the shore. She gets out, walks across the water back to shore, and then walks back across the water to the boat.
The Christian priest looks in amazement, crosses himself, and they continue fishing. It comes on about noon time, and the rabbi realizes they left their lunches back on shore. So he gets up, walks across the water to the shore, retrieves the lunches, and walks back across the water to the boat.
The Christian priest, now completely amazed, and a little bit righteous, thinks, "not to be outdone by two heathens, I can do that too!!" So he gets up, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, takes a step out of the boat and promptly sinks to the bottom.
While he's flailing around in the water, the rabbi looks at the priestess and says, "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"
The Pagan priestess replies, "What rocks?"
Suvival Guide to the Supernatural
When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house--move away immediately!
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take *anything* from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
Courtesy of: http://www.bewitchingways.com/humor/humor.htm
Finally, a church that endorses sex!
Prayer time at school
Doonsbury
The dangers of drink flying
The Day after a Samhain party
Why Witches don't eat American kids
And the rest are under a cut to save your flist :D
Top 13 Reasons to become a Witch
13. I live for persecution!
12. I'm a night person at heart.
11. We respect our elders...and alders, and willows and oaks.
10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.
9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!
8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.
7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).
6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you comeback...
5. Double the deities, double the fun!
4. We get more holidays.
3. Brooms get great mileage.
2. We were here first!
1. BELTANE!!!
Pagan terms
Just a few definitions for you beginners:
1st Degree: A person who gets to do all the work.
2nd Degree: A person who gets to complain about the 1st degrees and the High Priestess.
3rd Degree: A person who never shows up at rituals.
Athame: A ritual knife; the bigger the knife, the less power the bearer has.
Book of Shadows: A messy, handwritten book that contains copies of everyone else's rituals.
Ceremonial Magician: Someone with bad hygiene habits, who reads Crowley, takes drugs and practices looking menacing.
Circle: Some assemblage of people standing or sitting in an uneven, or oval shape.
Coven: A bunch of people who fight like family and get together several times a month to party.
Crowley: A weird guy whom lots of people worship because he died a syphilitic drug addict. (Kinda like Curt Cobain and Elvis).
Full Moon: Any Saturday that occurs sometime close to the actual calendar full moon.
High Priest: Whoever the High Priestess is sleeping with this week.
High Priestess: A self-appointed leader; must be bossy, opinionated and have a large ego.
Initiation: Status that you receive after a big party held in your honor.
Magick: Any weird result after you do a spell or ritual for something; may or may not have anything to do with what you were working for.
Maiden: An ambitious 2nd degree (usually a womyn) who aspires to be High Priestess, so she can do things right!
New Moon: A chance for the High Priestess to get really drunk and sleep with (and initiate) a new High Priest.
Pagan: A person who wears tie dye and practices the party religion.
Pagan Standard Time: If a ritual is scheduled for 6pm, people show up around 9, and the ritual finally gets started at 10:30.
Pagan Daylight Time: If a ritual is scheduled for noon, everyone usually shows up before dark.
Ritual: A reason to assemble with others, kvetch and eventually have some sort of ceremony.
Ritual Wear: A flashy dress or outfit that makes the wearer look like an actor in a bad fantasy movie.
Sabbat: Any Saturday close to the actual day, excuse for a big party.
Wiccan: Conservative person who wears normal clothes, lots of jewelry, recycles everything and used to be a witch.
Witch: Someone who wears lots of black and jewelry, reads Gardner and practices the party religion.
- by Sylvana SilverWitch
You Know You're a Witch When...
1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.
2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"
3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.
4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.
5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.
6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha's mother Endora.
7. When travelling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems.
8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store (well, I thought about it).
9. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday.
10. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".
Top 10 Beltane Pick-up Lines
10. "Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?"
9. "Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?"
8. "Would you like to come over to my place and widdershins?"
7. "Your feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind all night long."
6. "Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?"
5. "Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not legal marriage."
4. "So, do you draw down the moon here often?"
3. "What's a nymph-goddess like you doing in a circle like this?"
2. "You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen."
1. "Is that a Maypole in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
The Wannabe Tarot
Neo-pagan religions can be fun, but some pagans unfortunately go through a period of religious fanaticism. And fanaticism often limits an important part of your spirit: your sense of humor. It takes time to recover from fanaticism. Now there is a Tarot deck for recovering pagan religious fanatics.
The Neophyte
A priest and priestess stand facing one another, performing the Great Rite symbolically by plunging a dagger into a chalice. In the circle surrounding them, a neophyte covers her smiling mouth, trying to suppress a giggle.
Divinatory Meaning
- Innocence. A new beginning. There was a time when all of this was good natured fun and not something you took so seriously.
Reversed Meaning
- Difficulty in expressing honest laughter. You're taking this all too seriously. Get a life.
* The Magician
The magician stands outside his double-parked car in a jammed parking lot. He wears full ceremonial regalia and has an altar setup, In his hand is an open book entitled, "Incantations to Asphaltia to find parking spaces."
Divinatory Meaning
- You need to understand your own resources better Don't use a sledgehammer to knock on a door.
Reversed Meaning
- You have lost sight that the map is not the territory.
* The High Priestess
A Wiccan priestess stands, arms outstretched, wearing several pounds worth of pentacles, Celtic jewelry, astrological bracelets, and medallions. She looks ready to tip over.
Divinatory Meaning
- You may find yourself with sudden yearnings to join a Roman Catholic convert or seminary. Even if you're most definitely not Catholic. Don't scoff. Stranger things have happened
Reversed Meaning
- You are ready to liberate yourself from the shackles of your old way of life and to put on the shackles of a new way of life.
* The Nature-Lover?
In the middle of the woods stands a pagan with her face caked in rouge and eye shadow and lipstick. She holds up a symbol of nature - a miniature plastic tree.
Divinatory Meaning
- Examine that what you claim is your passion is something that you're really passionate about.
Reversed meaning
- You are secretly a technocrat.
* The Emporium
A pagan bookstore owner stands behind a counter in a bookstore jam-packed with books, pentacles, candles, Celtic jewelry, Tarot decks, etc. Behind him a sign reads, "Pagan Emporium Bookstore: Offering Ancient Wisdom Since 1995."
Divinatory Meaning
- Don't just settle for "Question authority." Question those who claim to be authority.
Reversed Meaning
- Question those authors who tell you to question authority, but then still want you to buy their books and follow their advice verbatim.
* Grand High Muckety-Muck
A solemn Wiccan priest stands before an altar holding an athame. Hanging on the wall behind him is a certificate which reads, "Certified Wiccan initiate. Certificate granted by Walte's Wild Warehouse of Wicca."
Divinatory Meaning
- Don't get distracted by initiations, titles, special abilities, etc. Focus instead on what capabilities you really need to live your life.
Reversed Meaning
- You have an insatiable desire to get initiated. Consider joining either the Fraternal Order of the Hedgehogs or else the Order of the Co-Hedgehogs and get this whole initiation business out of your system.
* The Lovers
A young couple are having a handfasting performed in a grove of oak trees on a sunny summer afternoon.
Divinatory meaning
- Don't get too cynical. You may be recovering from fanaticism, but keep in mind that good things can sometimes still happen in the religion.
Reversed Meaning
- All you really need is love. And if you don't want to follow that advice, well, then, hey, the song by the same name is still cool.
* The Broom
A teenage Goth witch runs down the sidewalk attempting to ride a battered broomstick. A cleaning lady with a dustpan in one hand chases after her, hoping to retrieve her stolen broom.
Divinatory Meaning
- You need to develop a better relationship with what occultists begrudgingly refer to as "the Mundane World."
Reversed Meaning
- Maybe you really are a boring person after all. Time to clean up your act.
* The Hungry Vegetarian
There's a long buffet table at a wedding banquet. Whole roast pig, roast duck, baked chicken, glazed turkey, and caved ham fill the buffet table. One teeny tiny carrot resides on the plate of the hungry vegetarian. She eyes the roast pig, perhaps wondering if it might be made out of tofu rather than meat.
Divinatory meaning
- Time to change your habits.
Reversed Meaning
- Go eat a hot dog on a Friday.
* The Hermit
The Hermit wears a dark gray robe and has a dark gray beard. He holds a gnarled staff in one hand and a blazing lantern in the other hand. He is doing this however in a crowded movie theater, and the theater patrons scowl at him.
Divinatory Meaning
- Don't just trust yourself. Learn what part of yourself to trust.
Reversed Meaning
- It is better to have something you believe in rather than to just knock down what you don't believe in.
* The Wheel Of Fortune
A pagan dressed in purple and yellow robes holds a stick of incense in one hand and a compass in the other hand. He glares at the compass. The needle point is spinning wildly, so that he can't tell which direction is east for quarter-calling.
Divinatory Meaning
- Don't just find a new direction - create a new direction.
Reversed Meaning
- When you think your life is moving somewhere, maybe you're just going in circles.
* The Skeptic
A blindfolded man stands facing a full-length mirror.
Divinatory Meaning
- You may say that there is nothing of value in divinatory tools. But divinatory tools are nothing more than a means of looking at yourself. So perhaps you are saying that there is nothing of value in yourself. A man who swallows a placebo cannot deny his own mouth.
Reversed Meaning
- You will see through the illusions created by others. Be on guard against becoming snotty. Be careful that you do not forget that even illusions have their value. A man who imagines roses in the clouds can be inspired to become a gardener.
* The Contortionist
You see a contortionist, his body twisted in what appears to be an impossible position. In fact, his head appear to be stuck up his own rectum.
Divinatory Meaning
- You need to get your head out of your arse.
Reversed Meaning
- Even though you think that this doesn't apply to you, you really need to get your head out of your arse.
* Renewal
An occultist's apartment is in flames. His shelves are jammed with ceremonial daggers, magical talismans, occult journals/books, and esoteric tools. Out of all of this wealth of stuff, what will he try to rescue from the flames? Actually, he is reaching for his cat.
Divinatory Meaning
- You are about to encounter a situation in your life where you will make decisions that will show you the limits of occultism. Occultism is meant to serve life, not the other way around.
Reversed Meaning
- Be nice to your cat.
* Temperance
In a candle lit room, a Hermeticist holds a rosy cross in his left hand and a pentacle in the right hand. To his left side is a host of symbols of crosses and grails. To his right side is a host of daggers and pentacles. Behind him, a window with the shades drawn is open a crack to reveal a hint of sunlight and the wide open outdoors.
Divinatory Meaning
- You need to open yourself up to more than what you currently allow yourself to experience.
Reversed Meaning
- You are a freak. Perhaps you should spend more time secluded from others so that others do not discover this.
* The Adversary
The scene is two booths set up at a psychic fair - each booth manned by a practitioner. The first booth has a big sign over it, "Pagan Shamanistic Journeying Counseling." The practitioner of this booth glares at the practitioner of the second booth. The sign over the second booth reads, "New Age Shamanistic Journeying Counseling."
Divinatory Meaning
- There are things that you dislike that are more similar to you than you care to admit.
Reversed Meaning
- Stock market analysts and weather forecasters often give pretty lousy predictions. Don't expect a fortune-teller to give perfect predictions, but don't look too harshly upon them either. They are trying to get you to understand yourself -- and while they may be dead-wrong on some of what they say, the need to understand yourself is real.
* The Tower of Books
An armchair magician has a den jammed full of occult books. In one armchair is a huge stack of books almost up to the ceiling. He stands on a stool trying to add yet another book to the top of the stack, ignorant of the fact that the tower is about ready to topple over on him.
Divinatory Meaning
- You need to learn to put your ideas into action.
Reversed Meaning
- Clean your room.
* The Celebrity
In an occult bookstore, a pagan celebrity sits at a book signing table, signing copies of her book, Witchcrap for Morons." A few feet away from the table, a group of neo-pagans are scowling and turning their nose up at the author.
Divinatory Meaning
- It is far easier for you to condemn what others create than it is for you to create something that you find to be of value. But you really need to learn to trust your own creative projects more.
Reversed Meaning
- Quit spending so much time in occult bookstores.
* The Moon
A pagan painter stands by a moonlit window as he paints a picture of the crescent moon. The depiction of the moon is very well-crafted, but then the painter is going back in and adding some crudely designed pentacles on the moon, lest you forget that this is supposed to be pagan art. Behind him, his two dogs bark fiercely.
Divinatory Meaning
- If you can let go of your pretentiousness, your talents can blossom.
Reversed Meaning
- Don't forget to feed your dogs.
* The Golden Apple
Three pagan women stand wrestling over who gets the Golden Apple. Behind them, unnoticed, stands a giggling Eris, who holds an entire basket of Golden Apples.
Divinatory Meaning
- Keep your perspective on what's really important.
Reversed Meaning
- In order to allow a god or goddess room into your heart, you must not be too full of yourself.
* Judgment by Conspiracy Theorists
A fundamentalist minister rallies against a pagan group. The minister conjures up images of animal sacrifice and human sacrifice. Meanwhile, the pagan group in question is sitting around in a committee meeting eating vegan chili and tofu.
Divinatory Meaning
- You need to get on with your life and worry less about what other people think.
Reversed Meaning
- You need to get on with your life and worry less about what other people think. On the other hand, this doesn't give you license to be an arsehole.
* The World in a Pack of Cards
A grungy prisoner in solitary confinement sits in a barren cell. No bed, no food, no sunlight, just a pack of Tarot cards in front of him. A 19th century occultist once said that a prisoner alone in a prison cell with nothing but a pack of Tarot cards would acquire all world knowledge. But, well, this prisoner could probably better use some food and some sunlight and a shower.
Divinatory Meaning
- Get a hobby.
Reversed Meaning
- No, really, get a hobby.
Top 10 Reasons Witches Don't Worship Satan
10. Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests
9. Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone
8. Hard to keep the flaming goat skulls lit
7. Decreased availability of blonde virgins
6. Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet
5. Wailing of the damned souls in Hell keeps the neighbors awake
4. The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him
3. Repeated stooping motions for administering the "Kiss of Shame" difficult on the older coven members
2. Demons smell even worse than brimstone
1. It's impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!
The 13 Commandments
1. Thou shall not turn thy ex into a frog.
2. Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
3. Thou shall not laugh at nekked snow sprites.
4. Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.
5. Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.
6. Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood if thy are in times of burning.
7. Thou shall not question the word of thy High Priestess - She is God.
8. Thou shall not laugh at being nekked at coven - thou shall be killed.
9. Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.
10. Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind".
11. Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.
12. Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot".
13. Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.
How to Annoy Wiccans
1. Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back.
2. Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad.
3. Rearrange their altar.
4. Clean their "tools."
5. If they mention Magick, ask them to explain...you never understood that dumb card game...
6. Step into that drawn circle and ask them what their doing.
7. Sharpen that dull knife of theirs.
8. Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch.
9. Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched.
10. Put on your best Judy Garland voice and ask "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"
11. Throw water on them and expect them to melt.
12. Explain how adding "an it harm none" completely misses the point of Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is.
13. Lend them a copy of Liber OZ.
14. Take them to a Catholic Mass.
15. Turn their pentagrams upside down.
16. Recite good poetry during ritual.
17. Cast that circle counter-clockwise.
18. Tell the goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation.
19. Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it...? Oh yeah, "The Craft!"
20. When they start talking about "the Goddess" start chanting things in Ouranian barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a subconsciously wired bullshit-cut-off switch.
21. See if they know any Hebrew attributions for, say, tarot. Then ask them why they know.
22. Ask them who Gerald Gardner was. Ask them which degree rites they've been through. Ask them why they haven't, if it's part of the authentic Celtic tradition. Duck, and remind them about the "an' it harm none" bit.
23. Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices.
24. Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess.
25. Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree.
26. Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bare a striking similarity to Golden Dawn rituals.
27. Half way through a ritual, ask the high priestess to wake you when the sex starts...
28. Edit their Book of Shadows, inserting material from one of the assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible.
29. Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of Wicca. When they respond, repeat that you wanted a *good* book on Wicca.
30. When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves.
31. Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad'.
32. Remind them the moon has four phases, not three.
33. Men - wear amber and jet.
34. Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say your swastika is just a rune.
35. Worship the devil and call yourself a 'real witch'.
36. Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people that like having their brain shut down.
37. Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired' a West Country priestess from a local brothel who gasped it during the five fold kiss.
38. Point out that you can't meaningfully be a Kabbalist unless you're Jewish. No, wait, that's for annoying Hermeticists...
39. Put fire wood around the maypole.
20 Ways Not to Get Invited Back to a Circle
1. Take the ritual sword from the alter and make sounds like Darth Vader..."Luke, I am your father!"...and start making light saber noises.
2. Start skat-singing when chanting.
3. Take the ritual athame from the alter and start cleaning your nails with it.
4. When taking a sip of the ritual wine, act like a wine snob and comment on it.
5. When doing the spiral dance, make a conga line.
6. Call down the Goddess with "Get your ass down here, Big Momma!".
7. Call down the God with "Our father,who art in heaven..."
8. When chanting the names of the Goddess, randomly include Pokemon names.
9. When being smudged, complain about second-hand smoke.
10. In a drumming circle, laugh insanely and start drumming the beat to "Wipe Out".
11. When in a skyclad circle, randomly point and laugh.
12. When the ritual wine goblet is passed to you, chug it and ask for more.
13. Invoke Satan.
14. Take out a bible and start evangelizing.
15. Light up a cigar.
16. Bring a cute furry creature and offer it as a blood sacrifice.
17. Talk a lot about casting spells for revenge against people who have offended you.
18. At a handfasting say "Thank God! Maybe now i'll get some grandchildren!"
19. When in circle, answer your cell phone.
20. Respond to "So Mote it Be!" with "Amen!"
You May be a Yuppie Pagan if...
Your BMW stands out among the Toyotas and VWs at the Grand Coven.
You have a three-piece ritual robe.
Your ritual preparation includes stopping at the dry cleaner.
The Priestess sends the ritual wine back to the cellar.
You have considered calling the quarters by telephone.
You purchase astrological charts for companies listed on the NASDAQ.
You use an alphanumeric pager in circle to represent Air.
You want to use the Weber Gas Grill as the ritual bonfire.
You actually buy an Eostara bonnet each year.
You ask your bank for a VISA Gold Card with Stonehenge depicted on its face.
You try to break a $100 bill in the donation pot at a public circle.
The ritual wine is more European than your tradition.
Your ritual robe has no cord because you've gone cellular.
Ritual is postponed due to a bad hairpiece day.
You worry that you don't have a robe that goes well with bare feet.
Jet-lag is a common excuse for being late to coven.
Perrier is the only water you will tolerate in the West.
You initiate your lawyer, insurance agent, and cardiologist just to be on the safe side.
Ritual was canceled because the CD player is in the shop.
You never do a healing ritual for your car.
You have a cute little alligator sewn on the breast pocket of your ritual robe.
Perfect love and perfect trust in your coven oath are annotated with footnotes and conditions.
You have a notarized pre-handfasting agreement.
Your first degree initiation had valet parking.
Spilled wax really matters to you.
You have a Ginsu athame.
Cakes and wine for a dozen sets you back $139.
Your coven is known in the community as "The Rich Corinthians."
You view drawing-down as being the Account Executive to the Gods.
You worry that it would be inappropriate to do Yule at your summer house.
Not everyone gets to use the "good" chalice.
Your ritual bath is a Jacuzzi.
You don't do astral projection, frequent flyer miles are so much easier.
The gardener spends more time in your outdoor temple than you do.
Your familiar is leased.
You stop at the 7-11 to pick up a half cord of firewood for the bonfire.
You are offended by the "We are the old people..." chant ever since the facelift.
You shopped for a ritual staff and came back with two MBAs and an administrative assistant.
Five-fold kiss or not, the thought of lips on your Guccis turns you on.
You would invite the coven to your new house but, well, they're just so messy.
You have not read The Spiral Dance and are waiting for it to be made into a movie.
You had a pocket added to your ritual robe for your cellular phone.
You would go to Pagan festivals if they would just hold them at a nice resort.
Invoking the spirit of fire is expressly forbidden by your townhouse covenants.
You wouldn't use a script in ritual, that's what the laptop computer on the altar is for.
If "In the cool of the evening, we used to gather..." makes you think of getting in a late 18 holes.
Your ritual tools are itemized on your homeowners insurance.
Your car payment is more than your priestess' monthly take home pay.
You wear paste replicas of your ritual jewelry to rituals.
After casting the circle you feel compelled to click that alarm thing on your keychain.
You have a tattoo designed by Nybor and paid for the rights to the design.
You have both the Jerry Garcia and Tim Leary hand painted collector's edition plates on your altar.
The square footage of your ritual circle is a status thing.
Great carpeting is next to godliness.
It just doesn't seem right to call upon the spirits of water without a twist of lime.
Your covenstead has gone condo.
You seldom are asked to call North since everyone knows you just don't do dirt.
You have to hurry the Yule ritual along, the plane for Aspen leaves in an hour.
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Pagan Priestess
As part of an Interfaith community project, A right wing Christian priest, a rabbi, and a Pagan priestess decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they will go on a fishing trip together on a local pond.
They're out in the boat, and the Pagan priestess excuses herself to go to the bathroom back on the shore. She gets out, walks across the water back to shore, and then walks back across the water to the boat.
The Christian priest looks in amazement, crosses himself, and they continue fishing. It comes on about noon time, and the rabbi realizes they left their lunches back on shore. So he gets up, walks across the water to the shore, retrieves the lunches, and walks back across the water to the boat.
The Christian priest, now completely amazed, and a little bit righteous, thinks, "not to be outdone by two heathens, I can do that too!!" So he gets up, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, takes a step out of the boat and promptly sinks to the bottom.
While he's flailing around in the water, the rabbi looks at the priestess and says, "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"
The Pagan priestess replies, "What rocks?"
Suvival Guide to the Supernatural
When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house--move away immediately!
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take *anything* from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
Courtesy of: http://www.bewitchingways.com/humor/humor.htm