So I went to see Spiderman 3 tonight
Not really spoilery so much as observences on where the best LOLs are, from my point of view.
Before I start, I own the first two films and like them in all their atrocities. Correction: for all their atrocities. See, the thing about Spidey 1&2 is that you're laughing, yes, but with them. They recognise their own ridiculousness and they embrace it. It's fun.
Spidey 3, oh man. I spent two-and-a-half hours tonight in utter hysterics but mostly, I was laughing at it. This film - oh I had such high hopes for it - this film is total trash.
For me, building blocks of a good film are: Good script. Good direction. Good acting. Emotional involvement. Let's take them one at a time -
1. Good script. Don't make me laugh. Seriously, you thought Spidey2 was crap? Ha!
2. Good direction. The direction in this film is so appalling. Seriously. There are some of the worst shots of Toby Maguire's pillow-chin I have EVER seen and most of the "exciting" scenes are so ill-conceived they gave me motion sickness while sat in the cinema. And the camera moves so quickly you can't even see what the characters are doing. It's just whizz whizz whiiiiiiiiizz BLEURGH.
3. Good acting Is that a scarecrow in a white dress? Oh no, it's Kirsten Dunst. The most ironic bit is when MJ gets fired for bad acting, but no-one thinks to fire her. Weirdly, I think James Franco is the best one in this. Well, him and the man made of sand. Yes, SAND ACTS BETTER THAN KIRSTEN DUNST.
4. Emotional involvement. Seriously, does anyone give a shit about Peter and MJ anymore? I don't. Seriously, Pete has been creeping around her for years. He should just bite her in the neck, wrap her up and keep her as his larder prize.
So, I get the whole premise of this film, I do. I know the whole Venom thing is a bit Jeckyll-and-Hyde, the dark within us all. And I know the whole series has been about making the right choice, even if it's difficult and self-sacrifice and all that jazz. But I have several questions -
- How can the Sandman weep? HE'S MADE OF SAND.
- Why was it necessary to pose Spiderman in front of the stars&stripes? Seriously. That was just vomiticious.
- The religious imagery? The tolling of the bell, the weird New-York-skyline pieta fade-to-black at the end, the Holy Trinity? WTF was that all about? Isn't this a cartoon?
-What the fuck were the scientists doing in the sand pit anyway? Particle reconfiguration? THE SAND DIDN'T CHANGE, only the man did. And he wasn't supposed to be there! So what was the desired effect!?
Mostly though, I just don't understand why Evil Spiderman is Emo? Sweeping black fringes are the new swastika, you guys. No moshpit is safe!
The eviller he gets, the longer the fringe gets too, and the darker his eye make-up gets. Bad publicity for Pete Werntz I feel.
In other news, the HP trailer looks even better on the big screen. I was bouncing on my seat. And Claire and I shouldn't be allowed to spend extended amounts of time together. We go mostly insane. By 11 tonight, we were sitting on the couch just looking at each other and laughing manically. Easiest entertainment ever. No jokes required.
Before I start, I own the first two films and like them in all their atrocities. Correction: for all their atrocities. See, the thing about Spidey 1&2 is that you're laughing, yes, but with them. They recognise their own ridiculousness and they embrace it. It's fun.
Spidey 3, oh man. I spent two-and-a-half hours tonight in utter hysterics but mostly, I was laughing at it. This film - oh I had such high hopes for it - this film is total trash.
For me, building blocks of a good film are: Good script. Good direction. Good acting. Emotional involvement. Let's take them one at a time -
1. Good script. Don't make me laugh. Seriously, you thought Spidey2 was crap? Ha!
2. Good direction. The direction in this film is so appalling. Seriously. There are some of the worst shots of Toby Maguire's pillow-chin I have EVER seen and most of the "exciting" scenes are so ill-conceived they gave me motion sickness while sat in the cinema. And the camera moves so quickly you can't even see what the characters are doing. It's just whizz whizz whiiiiiiiiizz BLEURGH.
3. Good acting Is that a scarecrow in a white dress? Oh no, it's Kirsten Dunst. The most ironic bit is when MJ gets fired for bad acting, but no-one thinks to fire her. Weirdly, I think James Franco is the best one in this. Well, him and the man made of sand. Yes, SAND ACTS BETTER THAN KIRSTEN DUNST.
4. Emotional involvement. Seriously, does anyone give a shit about Peter and MJ anymore? I don't. Seriously, Pete has been creeping around her for years. He should just bite her in the neck, wrap her up and keep her as his larder prize.
So, I get the whole premise of this film, I do. I know the whole Venom thing is a bit Jeckyll-and-Hyde, the dark within us all. And I know the whole series has been about making the right choice, even if it's difficult and self-sacrifice and all that jazz. But I have several questions -
- How can the Sandman weep? HE'S MADE OF SAND.
- Why was it necessary to pose Spiderman in front of the stars&stripes? Seriously. That was just vomiticious.
- The religious imagery? The tolling of the bell, the weird New-York-skyline pieta fade-to-black at the end, the Holy Trinity? WTF was that all about? Isn't this a cartoon?
-What the fuck were the scientists doing in the sand pit anyway? Particle reconfiguration? THE SAND DIDN'T CHANGE, only the man did. And he wasn't supposed to be there! So what was the desired effect!?
Mostly though, I just don't understand why Evil Spiderman is Emo? Sweeping black fringes are the new swastika, you guys. No moshpit is safe!
The eviller he gets, the longer the fringe gets too, and the darker his eye make-up gets. Bad publicity for Pete Werntz I feel.
In other news, the HP trailer looks even better on the big screen. I was bouncing on my seat. And Claire and I shouldn't be allowed to spend extended amounts of time together. We go mostly insane. By 11 tonight, we were sitting on the couch just looking at each other and laughing manically. Easiest entertainment ever. No jokes required.