Mm. New Year's already.
There's nothing like the eve of something absolutely new to bring up some old things.
"Me" : roar
"Me" : crash
"Me" : roar
"Me" : crash
"Me" : says the wind
"Me" : It reminds me of my christmas in that one place in southern oregon where you actually have to drive partway into california to get to
"Me" : that I can never remember the name of
"Me" : The beach was awesome. There was a huge glacial erratic in the middle of the beach
"Me" : But it was just teh right shape for climbing on
"Me" : And the waves came up almost to the top in teh wind
"Me" : It's just a knot in a long string of nostalgia I've been having today.
"Me" : I've had early nineties pop-rock songs stuck in my head all day (i.e. Jumper, Champagne Supernova, et cetera)
"Me" : and that one song about stealing my sunshine
"Me" : I blame Yes Man
"Me" : Jumper is a song used in that movie
"Me" :It brings up emotional states from my teenaged years.
"Me" : Mid teenaged years
"Me" : And that brings up conflicting feelings of being an adult. :\
"Me" : I had a flash of age the other day when someone told me they were eighteen, and I had to realise that that was more than two years younger than I am.
"Me" : On more than a basic math level, obviously
"Me" : more
"Me" : It's a different feeling than realizing that I can (or could if I had money) buy myself booze.
"Me" : It's... One of those things, I guess, that never really goes away.
"Me" : Or maybe I'll get used to it
"Me" : but it seems hard to get used to ageing when I'm eternally wanting to be young.
"Me" : And not in the youth is good old is bad lolol kind of way
"Me" : But it's strange
[part cut for irrelevancy]
"Me" : Growing up, I was always the youngest, but I was never young
"Me" : At least, never that I can remember
"Me" : I was always looking, feeling or acting older.
"Me" : I always felt somewhat "grown up"
"Me" : throughout my childhood
"Me" : I was smart for my grade
"Me" : and my grades
"Me" : When I reached about fourteen, I started to shift
"Me" : As I looked more and more mature, I felt less and less.
"Me" : I don't know
"Me" : Maybe it was rebellion
"Me" : I also, at one point, seemed to be able to control how fast or slow the passage of time was
"Me" : I'm pretty sure it was a delusion
"Me" : But now and again
"Me" : I'm not so sure
"Me" : Then again
"Me" : I was also certain that the gargoyle was real
"Me" : Sure enough to black out and draw pentacles around my room
"Me" : That was some freaky shit right there
"Me" : All in all, though
"Me" : I don't know what to think anymore.
"Me" : My habits have never been impeccable, but I've become slovenly.
"Me" : As time passes, I seem to digress into thoughts from years gone by
"Me" : theories I've outgrown
"Me" : events that can never happen again in this lifetime
"Me" : How it seems that I used to be so much smarter than I am now.
"Me" : When I was eight
"Me" : I was discussing rocket science with a friend of the family
"Me" : Comprehending every word
"Me" : Asking questions
"Me" : But I lost it all
"Me" : well
"Me" : consciously
"Me" : because I never had anywhere to use it
"Me" : I used to know the theory of relativity (Einstein's) the way that I know Lovecraftian lore today.
"Me" : Only
"Me" : I had a better grasp on the theory
"Me" : than I do on the lore
"Me" : I don't know
"Me" : I sometimes wonder if I reached my peak when I was small
"Me" : It's a very depressing thought
"Me" : and then, I realise how much I really have going for me
"Me" : and I inevitably start thinking about how much more I know now than I did then
"Me" : about human dynamics, if nothing else
"Me" : I was never a shut-in as a kid, but I was never an extrovert, either
"Me" : I'm still not an extrovert, but I've learned a convincing act
[cut for relevancy]
"Me" : The hospital trip especially sent me spiralling.
"Me" : Did I tell you what happened when I overdosed on the pseudomorphine?
Ryo : No.
"Me" : Well
"Me" : First, I started off feeling both hot and cold at the same time
"Me" : Then, I got irritable
"Me" : then I got lonely
"Me" : it was after visiting hours, and Ray was home
"Me" : So I called him
"Me" : I don't remember anything that we said
"Me" : only that I wanted to stay on the phone
"Me" : but something was pulling me off of it
"Me" : And that I was too tired
"Me" : I ended up falling asleep
"Me" : I don't know for how long
"Me" : and I was burning up
"Me" : I felt like I was sitting too close to a fire
"Me" : I called a nurse in
"Me" : I was barely able to talk
"Me" : I told her I felt feverish
"Me" : she took my temperature
"Me" : it was fine
"Me" : I don't entirely recall if my oxygen monitor was hooked up at that time
"Me" : I think I'm mixing memories when I think that it was
"Me" : but it's a minor detail
"Me" : Anyway
"Me" : I lay in the bed and looked outside
"Me" : the sky was slightly overcast
"Me" : And I swear, I saw the image of my grandfather's face stretched out over the clouds
"Me" : And for a brief instant, I thought it was the face of God.
"Me" : ... I should probably make perfectly clear here that I am agnostic.
"Me" : I don't particularly believe in God.
"Me" : But it was clear as day to me, for just an instant.
"Me" : Before I recognized the face.
"Me" : And after that, I was freezing again.
"Me" : I ended up falling asleep.
"Me" : When I woke up in the morning, it all seemed like a dream
"Me" : But it keeps coming back
"Me" : and won't stop coming back
(At this point, I had to get off and cut my rant short)
Also, I've realized that I like playing the role of "Big Sister" to people. It's a very interesting realization to me.
I wonder what it is, though, that keeps bringing that night at the hospital back.
"Me" : roar
"Me" : crash
"Me" : roar
"Me" : crash
"Me" : says the wind
"Me" : It reminds me of my christmas in that one place in southern oregon where you actually have to drive partway into california to get to
"Me" : that I can never remember the name of
"Me" : The beach was awesome. There was a huge glacial erratic in the middle of the beach
"Me" : But it was just teh right shape for climbing on
"Me" : And the waves came up almost to the top in teh wind
"Me" : It's just a knot in a long string of nostalgia I've been having today.
"Me" : I've had early nineties pop-rock songs stuck in my head all day (i.e. Jumper, Champagne Supernova, et cetera)
"Me" : and that one song about stealing my sunshine
"Me" : I blame Yes Man
"Me" : Jumper is a song used in that movie
"Me" :It brings up emotional states from my teenaged years.
"Me" : Mid teenaged years
"Me" : And that brings up conflicting feelings of being an adult. :\
"Me" : I had a flash of age the other day when someone told me they were eighteen, and I had to realise that that was more than two years younger than I am.
"Me" : On more than a basic math level, obviously
"Me" : more
"Me" : It's a different feeling than realizing that I can (or could if I had money) buy myself booze.
"Me" : It's... One of those things, I guess, that never really goes away.
"Me" : Or maybe I'll get used to it
"Me" : but it seems hard to get used to ageing when I'm eternally wanting to be young.
"Me" : And not in the youth is good old is bad lolol kind of way
"Me" : But it's strange
[part cut for irrelevancy]
"Me" : Growing up, I was always the youngest, but I was never young
"Me" : At least, never that I can remember
"Me" : I was always looking, feeling or acting older.
"Me" : I always felt somewhat "grown up"
"Me" : throughout my childhood
"Me" : I was smart for my grade
"Me" : and my grades
"Me" : When I reached about fourteen, I started to shift
"Me" : As I looked more and more mature, I felt less and less.
"Me" : I don't know
"Me" : Maybe it was rebellion
"Me" : I also, at one point, seemed to be able to control how fast or slow the passage of time was
"Me" : I'm pretty sure it was a delusion
"Me" : But now and again
"Me" : I'm not so sure
"Me" : Then again
"Me" : I was also certain that the gargoyle was real
"Me" : Sure enough to black out and draw pentacles around my room
"Me" : That was some freaky shit right there
"Me" : All in all, though
"Me" : I don't know what to think anymore.
"Me" : My habits have never been impeccable, but I've become slovenly.
"Me" : As time passes, I seem to digress into thoughts from years gone by
"Me" : theories I've outgrown
"Me" : events that can never happen again in this lifetime
"Me" : How it seems that I used to be so much smarter than I am now.
"Me" : When I was eight
"Me" : I was discussing rocket science with a friend of the family
"Me" : Comprehending every word
"Me" : Asking questions
"Me" : But I lost it all
"Me" : well
"Me" : consciously
"Me" : because I never had anywhere to use it
"Me" : I used to know the theory of relativity (Einstein's) the way that I know Lovecraftian lore today.
"Me" : Only
"Me" : I had a better grasp on the theory
"Me" : than I do on the lore
"Me" : I don't know
"Me" : I sometimes wonder if I reached my peak when I was small
"Me" : It's a very depressing thought
"Me" : and then, I realise how much I really have going for me
"Me" : and I inevitably start thinking about how much more I know now than I did then
"Me" : about human dynamics, if nothing else
"Me" : I was never a shut-in as a kid, but I was never an extrovert, either
"Me" : I'm still not an extrovert, but I've learned a convincing act
[cut for relevancy]
"Me" : The hospital trip especially sent me spiralling.
"Me" : Did I tell you what happened when I overdosed on the pseudomorphine?
Ryo : No.
"Me" : Well
"Me" : First, I started off feeling both hot and cold at the same time
"Me" : Then, I got irritable
"Me" : then I got lonely
"Me" : it was after visiting hours, and Ray was home
"Me" : So I called him
"Me" : I don't remember anything that we said
"Me" : only that I wanted to stay on the phone
"Me" : but something was pulling me off of it
"Me" : And that I was too tired
"Me" : I ended up falling asleep
"Me" : I don't know for how long
"Me" : and I was burning up
"Me" : I felt like I was sitting too close to a fire
"Me" : I called a nurse in
"Me" : I was barely able to talk
"Me" : I told her I felt feverish
"Me" : she took my temperature
"Me" : it was fine
"Me" : I don't entirely recall if my oxygen monitor was hooked up at that time
"Me" : I think I'm mixing memories when I think that it was
"Me" : but it's a minor detail
"Me" : Anyway
"Me" : I lay in the bed and looked outside
"Me" : the sky was slightly overcast
"Me" : And I swear, I saw the image of my grandfather's face stretched out over the clouds
"Me" : And for a brief instant, I thought it was the face of God.
"Me" : ... I should probably make perfectly clear here that I am agnostic.
"Me" : I don't particularly believe in God.
"Me" : But it was clear as day to me, for just an instant.
"Me" : Before I recognized the face.
"Me" : And after that, I was freezing again.
"Me" : I ended up falling asleep.
"Me" : When I woke up in the morning, it all seemed like a dream
"Me" : But it keeps coming back
"Me" : and won't stop coming back
(At this point, I had to get off and cut my rant short)
Also, I've realized that I like playing the role of "Big Sister" to people. It's a very interesting realization to me.
I wonder what it is, though, that keeps bringing that night at the hospital back.