My existential rambling post
I was perusing a friend’s blog yesterday. A~ is a prolific writer, delving into subjects both profound and mundane. Reading those posts made me think of my own blog: its original purpose, and its current status. And I began to wonder: whatever became of the writer I once was?
My more casual acquaintances probably don’t know this, but until the age of 25 I lived with an undiagnosed case of clinical depression. It wasn’t severe enough to cause thoughts of suicide, but it did cause me to have mercurial mood swings. I threw many a temper tantrum in my younger days, which my parents attributed to genetics (Dad had a whopper of a temper). I’m sure that growing up with a double handicap didn’t help matters any: both my arm and my eyesight (and resultant need for glasses by the fourth grade) were causes of merciless teasing by my classmates and other children in my schools. And having an alcoholic father and an enabling, passive-aggressive mother only added to the…interesting…upbringing. But all of these things combined led to some powerful writing. Admittedly many of the pieces in my catalogue are juvenile in their construction. But the creativity and imagery are there, and one can see the potential underlying even the earliest works.
Then I started taking the anti-depressants. And my output slowed. I think in the last 17+ years I may have written a sum total of four original, creative, non-work-related and non-narrative pieces. A couple of those have appeared here. And I have to wonder: did the drugs kill my creativity? Or did my creativity just find a new outlet? See, here’s the thing: about the time I slowed in my writing, I learned how to sew. And then I started designing my own SCA costumes, and creating things for my SCA persona and encampment. So did my muse go away, or was she just replaced by a different one?
Along those same lines of questioning, I also have to wonder about the content of my blog posts. Several folks I know, whose blogs I follow, write more of substance than just ramblings about their daily lives, or memes, or commentary on the surface world around them. Having reviewed my own blog, I have to wonder how I became so shallow. It seems like most of my posts are just those things I mention: ramblings about my daily life, or memes, or commentary on the surface world around me. I seldom get political; I seldom discuss religion; and I rarely get philosophical. Now, I know I’m not stupid, nor uneducated. So why do I write like I am?
Which leads to the next question: how did I get here, and can I change it? Do I want to change it? Do I need to? Would I be a better person if I did?
…
Paralleling this whole train of thought has been a concern over which I’ve been puzzling for several months now. My life path in general, and my career path in particular.
Looking back over my 42.67 years on this earth, it seems I’ve never really had a direction. I’ve floated along with the river of life, allowing myself to be pushed into this job or that by circumstance and opportunity. But I’ve never really plotted a course. This, in and of itself, is not necessarily a bad thing. I’ve managed to stay on my feet and independent the whole time. I’ve met some wonderful people along the way, and learned a lot. And I have a nice home in a good neighborhood. So it’s not all bad.
Career-wise, I have 25 years with the State of California which means tenure, perks, good benefits, and a sizeable retirement income. My Dad pretty much did the same thing with the Federal Bureau of Reclamation, retiring as a GS12.
“So what’s the problem?” you ask.
Last year, when the first budget cuts were made and my position was cut, I persuaded management to “lateral” me into a classification - Associate Accounting Analyst (AAA) - for which I really was not qualified, rather than forcing me to transfer to a different office, or reclassifying the AAA position to my classification - Associate Governmental Program Analyst (AGPA). (If you really want to know the specs for the AGPA and AAA classes, go here. ) The position I’m in now is a Limited-Term (LT) position. It only lasts three years, but may be extended another three. If it is extended, great, no problem. But if not? I’m looking for another job, in a classification for which I am not truly qualified.
The entrance requirements to take the exam to become a AAA include a degree in Accounting. I had a bookkeeping class in high school, got through maybe 1/3 of the Accounting 1A book in ROP (also during high school), and have been treasurer for a branch of the SCA. I’ve even worked on budgetary issues for the State. But not ONE of these qualifies as the equivalent of a degree. As I told my management earlier this year “I am SO screwed.” I cannot lateral into another class that’s even a partial step higher, because I already used my one allotted move of that type. I can lateral into another class that has exactly the same pay scale, or one with a lower pay scale. Or I can take yet another exam and try to promote.
So now, at age 42+, I am finally having to make a solid decision about my career path. At this point I have two options: management, or IT.
I sent an email to some of my former managers and close friends and asked them: Do you think I would make a good manager? Do you think I would be happy as a manager? The general consensus is yes to the first question, no to the second. One of my managers put it best:
You are very organized and efficient. If you can accept that others under you probably won’t be, then you’ll be fine as a manager. I always thought because you have the computer skills, the [Associate Information Systems Analyst] then [Senior Information Systems Analyst] was the way to go. You’d make 10% more as a SISA than [a Staff Service Manager, level 1] and wouldn’t have to manage. I would’ve gone that route if I had those skills. Either way it doesn’t hurt to take the test and be on a list. Good luck.
His first two lines were the key for me. Those closest to me know my impatience with people who are less-than efficient.
That decision having made itself (see how that works?), the problem now is twofold. First, I can’t lateral into the AISA because it’s higher than my current classification. And second, no one is offering the exam at this time. So once again, in spite of having actually made the decision to choose a path, I am “going with the flow”. Feather on the wind, and all that.
And thus ends my existential commentary on my life for the week.
My more casual acquaintances probably don’t know this, but until the age of 25 I lived with an undiagnosed case of clinical depression. It wasn’t severe enough to cause thoughts of suicide, but it did cause me to have mercurial mood swings. I threw many a temper tantrum in my younger days, which my parents attributed to genetics (Dad had a whopper of a temper). I’m sure that growing up with a double handicap didn’t help matters any: both my arm and my eyesight (and resultant need for glasses by the fourth grade) were causes of merciless teasing by my classmates and other children in my schools. And having an alcoholic father and an enabling, passive-aggressive mother only added to the…interesting…upbringing. But all of these things combined led to some powerful writing. Admittedly many of the pieces in my catalogue are juvenile in their construction. But the creativity and imagery are there, and one can see the potential underlying even the earliest works.
Then I started taking the anti-depressants. And my output slowed. I think in the last 17+ years I may have written a sum total of four original, creative, non-work-related and non-narrative pieces. A couple of those have appeared here. And I have to wonder: did the drugs kill my creativity? Or did my creativity just find a new outlet? See, here’s the thing: about the time I slowed in my writing, I learned how to sew. And then I started designing my own SCA costumes, and creating things for my SCA persona and encampment. So did my muse go away, or was she just replaced by a different one?
Along those same lines of questioning, I also have to wonder about the content of my blog posts. Several folks I know, whose blogs I follow, write more of substance than just ramblings about their daily lives, or memes, or commentary on the surface world around them. Having reviewed my own blog, I have to wonder how I became so shallow. It seems like most of my posts are just those things I mention: ramblings about my daily life, or memes, or commentary on the surface world around me. I seldom get political; I seldom discuss religion; and I rarely get philosophical. Now, I know I’m not stupid, nor uneducated. So why do I write like I am?
Which leads to the next question: how did I get here, and can I change it? Do I want to change it? Do I need to? Would I be a better person if I did?
…
Paralleling this whole train of thought has been a concern over which I’ve been puzzling for several months now. My life path in general, and my career path in particular.
Looking back over my 42.67 years on this earth, it seems I’ve never really had a direction. I’ve floated along with the river of life, allowing myself to be pushed into this job or that by circumstance and opportunity. But I’ve never really plotted a course. This, in and of itself, is not necessarily a bad thing. I’ve managed to stay on my feet and independent the whole time. I’ve met some wonderful people along the way, and learned a lot. And I have a nice home in a good neighborhood. So it’s not all bad.
Career-wise, I have 25 years with the State of California which means tenure, perks, good benefits, and a sizeable retirement income. My Dad pretty much did the same thing with the Federal Bureau of Reclamation, retiring as a GS12.
“So what’s the problem?” you ask.
Last year, when the first budget cuts were made and my position was cut, I persuaded management to “lateral” me into a classification - Associate Accounting Analyst (AAA) - for which I really was not qualified, rather than forcing me to transfer to a different office, or reclassifying the AAA position to my classification - Associate Governmental Program Analyst (AGPA). (If you really want to know the specs for the AGPA and AAA classes, go here. ) The position I’m in now is a Limited-Term (LT) position. It only lasts three years, but may be extended another three. If it is extended, great, no problem. But if not? I’m looking for another job, in a classification for which I am not truly qualified.
The entrance requirements to take the exam to become a AAA include a degree in Accounting. I had a bookkeeping class in high school, got through maybe 1/3 of the Accounting 1A book in ROP (also during high school), and have been treasurer for a branch of the SCA. I’ve even worked on budgetary issues for the State. But not ONE of these qualifies as the equivalent of a degree. As I told my management earlier this year “I am SO screwed.” I cannot lateral into another class that’s even a partial step higher, because I already used my one allotted move of that type. I can lateral into another class that has exactly the same pay scale, or one with a lower pay scale. Or I can take yet another exam and try to promote.
So now, at age 42+, I am finally having to make a solid decision about my career path. At this point I have two options: management, or IT.
I sent an email to some of my former managers and close friends and asked them: Do you think I would make a good manager? Do you think I would be happy as a manager? The general consensus is yes to the first question, no to the second. One of my managers put it best:
You are very organized and efficient. If you can accept that others under you probably won’t be, then you’ll be fine as a manager. I always thought because you have the computer skills, the [Associate Information Systems Analyst] then [Senior Information Systems Analyst] was the way to go. You’d make 10% more as a SISA than [a Staff Service Manager, level 1] and wouldn’t have to manage. I would’ve gone that route if I had those skills. Either way it doesn’t hurt to take the test and be on a list. Good luck.
His first two lines were the key for me. Those closest to me know my impatience with people who are less-than efficient.
That decision having made itself (see how that works?), the problem now is twofold. First, I can’t lateral into the AISA because it’s higher than my current classification. And second, no one is offering the exam at this time. So once again, in spite of having actually made the decision to choose a path, I am “going with the flow”. Feather on the wind, and all that.
And thus ends my existential commentary on my life for the week.