So maybe my recital won't be so bad after all...
I can be extremely self-critical of myself. When I practice, all I can sense is the physical and mental tension from my growing anxiety, and all I can remember afterwards are the notes I missed. I played my entire program a week and a half ago in front of some friends and it was amazing. I wasn't really nervous. I felt myself get into the music. I was focused, for the most part. Now I'm struggling to maintain that. I'll play and suddenly think, I missed this section last time! Then will promptly miss it again even if I had gone over it ten times prior. My mind is working against me.
Katherine is awesome for letting me borrow her digital recorder. I recorded myself earlier today and while I thought I had played awfully, I can now hear and appreciate everything I did right. It's funny, missing a note or two really isn't bad. I could hardly tell, especially when I kept going. It's these gaps where I freak out and stop, that stand out. I also tend to rush. I'll mess up, and start a section over, which wouldn't be too obvious except for the fact that I speed up as if to make up the lost time.
I think my goal for the next week will be to try and relax. That's my major issue. Last night at the EME concert, i had a harpsichord solo at the beginning. You'd think it'd be a breeze because I had the music in front of me. I don't know if that even makes a difference anymore. I was so tense, I'd miss notes right in front of my face. At the same time, it's true the audience really can't sense your nervousness. I've taken conducting exams in front of a camera and am amazed to see how poised I look on the video afterwards.
It's never as bad as it seems.
I'm already thinking of all the pieces I want to work on on my OWN this summer. For fun. When music is stress relief again.
Yeaah.