Back from the trip of a lifetime... but this isn't about that. It's about fandom.
Well, I'd like to ramble on about my wonderful trip, but dyrim_rings hasn't had a chance to load pictures, and I'd like it illustrated. Suffice it to say... lots of fun, lots of walking, and a lovely time with my sister. More to follow, once the pictures are up.
What I would like to talk about is fandom.
Fandom is all about love. I was reminded of that when I ran into Steve Vander Ark in London. He speaks the fanboy lingo, with its "if only" modifiers and "in real life" addendums. I know that my fandom experience has been one of obsessiveness: OTPs, kinks, squicks and all.
JKR has been relatively understanding about that. She's left fanfiction alone, and seems to genuinely like that we've taken her characters to heart, even when the end result leaves her stymied. However, she doesn't understand it, despite her tolerance. She doesn't know that fandom becomes very personal to us; it becomes part of our psyche. The relationship between Jo and her characters is very maternal; she's described Harry as being one of her children in the past. For us, they are our adopted children, and that's why we use terms like "fanon Harry": they are the possibilities that were cast aside when Jo molded her "canon Harry," and like any left behind child, they are the dearer to us because of that.
In the last year, because of my involvement in Walking the Plank and Snarry Games, I have undergone some real evaluation of my role in fandom. As each of those involvements hit wank of their own, I tried very hard to keep it professional, and not personal, and the members of fandom complied. Inherently, I've felt like it was part of the process. Everyone in fandom has their own way of doing things; it's a big ship, and there are lots of people who want to steer. I tend to be good at finding common ground, and I think I serve a purpose in both those groups.
Still, I found the sheen had gone off my OTP, and I see why people migrate ships. When these things happen, there is an initial hurt that never quite leaves, and I certainly found myself stinging over a few of the comments I read.
There's a comfort to being a lurker, and keeping that love private, that I really miss.
Most of all, though, when I saw the hurt in Steve's eyes, as we spoke briefly about the lawsuit, it reminded me of hurt that I've seen in the people I've worked with on the website, the fest, and in the mirror. Because we all have this deep, personal relationship, we all have strong opinions, and we can hurt each other with them. There's no way around that sometimes. As new people join the fandom, I envy them their excitement, because I miss the uncluttered thrill of reading something that just speaks to you, and the fanon Harry and Snape you ship.
There are stories that define my fandom. I was lucky enough to re-read a lot of those on my trip, thanks to my Sony Reader. I re-read all of meri_oddities, who writes a Snape I adore, and all of tiranog, who writes my favorite Harry, as well as a good chunk of dementor_delta's brilliant stories. I read my_tara_tory, and remembered how excited I was when I read Loving Potions for the first time. I fell back in love with my pairing, and I'm thrilled.
I hope that love continues on, because I needed the respite. I feel the need to give back to fandom, since it has offered me so much pleasure, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that we're done hurting each other for a bit. I also am crossing my fingers that Steve will find a resolution soon about the Lexicon. I'm never going to be able to say a bad word about JKR, but I believe that he tried to contact them well in advance of choosing to do the book. I know how it feels to toil at something for hours and hours just for love, as do we all. I hope that the resolution comes well before he stops loving HP, and that he'll be able to celebrate, a little, if the book gets published.
There's something very grown up about my fandom love now. Like my marriage, it's richer, I think, than at the beginning. It's not innocent, or passionate; it's got the memory of past betrayals, thought-provoking conversations, good friends, laughter and strife. I can leave it for a bit, and not feel guilty, because I know it's waiting for me. Sometimes, I miss the first blush of love, but I'm content.
What I would like to talk about is fandom.
Fandom is all about love. I was reminded of that when I ran into Steve Vander Ark in London. He speaks the fanboy lingo, with its "if only" modifiers and "in real life" addendums. I know that my fandom experience has been one of obsessiveness: OTPs, kinks, squicks and all.
JKR has been relatively understanding about that. She's left fanfiction alone, and seems to genuinely like that we've taken her characters to heart, even when the end result leaves her stymied. However, she doesn't understand it, despite her tolerance. She doesn't know that fandom becomes very personal to us; it becomes part of our psyche. The relationship between Jo and her characters is very maternal; she's described Harry as being one of her children in the past. For us, they are our adopted children, and that's why we use terms like "fanon Harry": they are the possibilities that were cast aside when Jo molded her "canon Harry," and like any left behind child, they are the dearer to us because of that.
In the last year, because of my involvement in Walking the Plank and Snarry Games, I have undergone some real evaluation of my role in fandom. As each of those involvements hit wank of their own, I tried very hard to keep it professional, and not personal, and the members of fandom complied. Inherently, I've felt like it was part of the process. Everyone in fandom has their own way of doing things; it's a big ship, and there are lots of people who want to steer. I tend to be good at finding common ground, and I think I serve a purpose in both those groups.
Still, I found the sheen had gone off my OTP, and I see why people migrate ships. When these things happen, there is an initial hurt that never quite leaves, and I certainly found myself stinging over a few of the comments I read.
There's a comfort to being a lurker, and keeping that love private, that I really miss.
Most of all, though, when I saw the hurt in Steve's eyes, as we spoke briefly about the lawsuit, it reminded me of hurt that I've seen in the people I've worked with on the website, the fest, and in the mirror. Because we all have this deep, personal relationship, we all have strong opinions, and we can hurt each other with them. There's no way around that sometimes. As new people join the fandom, I envy them their excitement, because I miss the uncluttered thrill of reading something that just speaks to you, and the fanon Harry and Snape you ship.
There are stories that define my fandom. I was lucky enough to re-read a lot of those on my trip, thanks to my Sony Reader. I re-read all of meri_oddities, who writes a Snape I adore, and all of tiranog, who writes my favorite Harry, as well as a good chunk of dementor_delta's brilliant stories. I read my_tara_tory, and remembered how excited I was when I read Loving Potions for the first time. I fell back in love with my pairing, and I'm thrilled.
I hope that love continues on, because I needed the respite. I feel the need to give back to fandom, since it has offered me so much pleasure, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that we're done hurting each other for a bit. I also am crossing my fingers that Steve will find a resolution soon about the Lexicon. I'm never going to be able to say a bad word about JKR, but I believe that he tried to contact them well in advance of choosing to do the book. I know how it feels to toil at something for hours and hours just for love, as do we all. I hope that the resolution comes well before he stops loving HP, and that he'll be able to celebrate, a little, if the book gets published.
There's something very grown up about my fandom love now. Like my marriage, it's richer, I think, than at the beginning. It's not innocent, or passionate; it's got the memory of past betrayals, thought-provoking conversations, good friends, laughter and strife. I can leave it for a bit, and not feel guilty, because I know it's waiting for me. Sometimes, I miss the first blush of love, but I'm content.