dear Jonathan Livingston Severson,

[alienne]

It's been three years now, exactly, since you got married. About a week more than that since you said goodbye, presumably forever. And it's the fifth of July, your birthday and your anniversary, and so it's the day i have set aside to mope about you. I was driving home from Chicago all day, and Pearl Jam kept showing up in my mp3 playlist, and i spent a lot of time crying.

The hope and the hurt both have diminished some with time, but i'm still all full of wishes, and i probably always will be:

I wish you hadn't gone. I wish your wife hadn't decided to hate me and everything i was to you, without ever understanding any of it. I wish you'd ever loved me as much as i loved you. I wish the one fucking fact of my not wanting children hadn't made it completely impossible that we could have a relationship. I wish you were here.

And though i've said it before (in this space, even) and i'm sure i'll say it again:

I'll always wish i were the full moon shining off your Camaro's hood.

love,
avocado

-----

Listen, I love you. Do not turn your face
Nor touch me. Only stand and watch awhile
The blue unbroken circle of the sea.
Look far away and let me ease my heart
Of words that beat in it with broken wing.
Look far away, and if I say too much,
Forget that I am speaking.
-Sara Teasdale