(no subject)
FYI Monique has my cel because she doesn't have a phone and prabably will have it for the next week or so. C'mon people it's not like I leave the house anyway.
The impossible is possible... but only when it works against you.I can't believe it. My pain levels are actually getting worse and even though my pain medication has been raised considerably it seems to have little or no effect. I don't know what to do. As I've said before I am at the end of my rope. My doctors seem to understand the desprate-ness of my situation but there's not much they can do besides 'tweak' medications which usually takes a few weeks to a month to take effect. I can't remember a day when I didn't collapse on the floor and start crying from the pain. My brain isn't functioning because of the meds. I don't enjoy the things I used to. I don't even know what to do with myself just to get through the day. I can't even rean that much because my brain has turned to mush. I want to be able to get something accomplished (even cook myself a meal) but I can't stand long enough. My antibiotics just seem to make me more nauseous than before. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go to the hospital because that will take what little brain power I have left away from me.
There’s nothing anyone can really do for me except give me support or say “I love you.” It’s not that I’m not grateful, but this was never really an issue of love. This was never an issue of anything other than pain and fatigue. I feel like a cruel joke. I’m very gifted yet unable to use my gifts. I feel like I’m in a body that rejects me. I feel like a broken record that only whines about the same thing over and over again with no end in sight.
I’m sick of desperately clawing for every little thing. Clawing to get up in the morning, clawing to work my way through school. I don’t want to live in this constant struggle where I’m rewarded with more pain and dizziness and exhaustion. Some might say life is pain. Well frankly I’m tired of it. This isn’t to say that I want to die. I’m just frustrated. But most of the time I’m equally frustrated with giving up. Did I struggle and scrape by this long just to give up?
On the other hand is there really any hope for me? Sure in my wildest dreams I see a world with minimal pain. But is that really realistic? I’d like to think that my efforts would be rewarded, but that certainly is unrealistic. Is my life meant to be a constant struggle lived in between pain pills? If that’s the case I’m tempted to give up now.
I’m afraid more than ever that I will just snap and loose control. I don’t want that but in a way it would be nice to be completely oblivious. To not worry about the future. To not feel like you’re useless or running out of time. I’m afraid that if I do loose control that I’ll never get to tell the people I love just how much they mean to me. Not to mention become more of a burden than I already am.
I don’t know what’s scarier, heading towards a future that mirrors the past, or a future that I know nothing about.
The impossible is possible... but only when it works against you.I can't believe it. My pain levels are actually getting worse and even though my pain medication has been raised considerably it seems to have little or no effect. I don't know what to do. As I've said before I am at the end of my rope. My doctors seem to understand the desprate-ness of my situation but there's not much they can do besides 'tweak' medications which usually takes a few weeks to a month to take effect. I can't remember a day when I didn't collapse on the floor and start crying from the pain. My brain isn't functioning because of the meds. I don't enjoy the things I used to. I don't even know what to do with myself just to get through the day. I can't even rean that much because my brain has turned to mush. I want to be able to get something accomplished (even cook myself a meal) but I can't stand long enough. My antibiotics just seem to make me more nauseous than before. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go to the hospital because that will take what little brain power I have left away from me.
There’s nothing anyone can really do for me except give me support or say “I love you.” It’s not that I’m not grateful, but this was never really an issue of love. This was never an issue of anything other than pain and fatigue. I feel like a cruel joke. I’m very gifted yet unable to use my gifts. I feel like I’m in a body that rejects me. I feel like a broken record that only whines about the same thing over and over again with no end in sight.
I’m sick of desperately clawing for every little thing. Clawing to get up in the morning, clawing to work my way through school. I don’t want to live in this constant struggle where I’m rewarded with more pain and dizziness and exhaustion. Some might say life is pain. Well frankly I’m tired of it. This isn’t to say that I want to die. I’m just frustrated. But most of the time I’m equally frustrated with giving up. Did I struggle and scrape by this long just to give up?
On the other hand is there really any hope for me? Sure in my wildest dreams I see a world with minimal pain. But is that really realistic? I’d like to think that my efforts would be rewarded, but that certainly is unrealistic. Is my life meant to be a constant struggle lived in between pain pills? If that’s the case I’m tempted to give up now.
I’m afraid more than ever that I will just snap and loose control. I don’t want that but in a way it would be nice to be completely oblivious. To not worry about the future. To not feel like you’re useless or running out of time. I’m afraid that if I do loose control that I’ll never get to tell the people I love just how much they mean to me. Not to mention become more of a burden than I already am.
I don’t know what’s scarier, heading towards a future that mirrors the past, or a future that I know nothing about.