(no subject)
I'm starting to come to the conclusion that I am meant to be alone. This marriage is falling apart and alas, I am no longer in love with my husband. I had fallen out of love with him a long time ago.
I am in a compromised situation though. I dug myself into a hole a long time ago. I've no car, no job, no money saved up, no friends and now a son to take care of. I want to leave so badly, just go back to being in an apartment by myself. I fear I may explode, I may blow my cover because the stress and irritation just fester to an unbelievable degree. My therapist tells to think about it, to start writing things down about what I want. I KNOW what I want to do. However, every time I let myself think about it, I crave it so badly that it affects my mood. It reminds me of how unhappy I am with him, how unhappy I am living with his family and being in the situation I am in. I can't have that happening. I can't let him know. I hate living in discord with others and that's all it'll bring. So I continue to plaster a fake smile on my face that doesn't reach my eyes. I fail many times at pretending though, the pain and suffering of our past catches up to me. Our relationship is just all types of wrong.
Guilttripping me into a relationship and into staying pregnant. I've been to the psych ward many times and he's had to see me in gory, traumatic situations. I had an affair with an older man and he had an affair with pharmaceutical medication. He's a walking panic attack, forever asking me and stressing about anything and everything that he can worry about and I'm a pissed off cat, ignoring and scratching anyone who nears me.
I won't lie, I'm scared to leave him. I don't want to admit that our relationship has reached such an irrepairable level. I'm scared to be alone again for when I leave him, I am left with no friends. He has annihilated my ability to have any friends with his paranoia. He knows exactly how to break me down, exactly how and when to guilttrip me.
I don't know which is worse: the fear of being alone or the aggravation he causes me.
I am filled with this unrecogonizable emotion. It feels like a few highly negative emotions jumbled together. Anger. Fear. Irritation. Dread. Deep unhappiness. Lost. Misery. Disgust. Resentment. Disappointed. Pessimistic.
Ok so that's more than a few. I'm proud of myself for being able to actually recognize those out of that ball of electricity they were. I actually feel a little relief.
Now WHY do I feel each emotion?
The anger and irritation and resentment seem to all be tied together. The people that I live with are white trash. The mother is an ex drug addict who abuses her suboxone. She tries to make everyone feel better with medication and lies to everyone's faces to try and make them feel better. She steals from stores. She's a passive aggresive bitch. She's troubled yes, but that doesnt excuse anything.
The father is a homophobic, misognystic, bipolar, elitist, racist pig who has an opinion for everything. He thinks he's know everything and acts accordingly. He is verbally and emotionally abusive to his entire family, sometimes even physically. There doesn't seem to be a nice bone anywhere in his body. Again troubled yet inexcuseable. The middle brother is depressed and angry. He is childish and yells at his mother to do everything for him. If she doesn't do it RIGHT when he tells her to do, he calls her names and berates her. He can be hyper and makes perverted comments towards my husband. He is also racist and homophobic and is currently misogynistic bc of his bitterness over a breakup that occured two years ago. He is a miserable prick. The little brother is an angry elitist mess as well. Another one who thinks he's knows everything and if you tell him otherwise (just like his father) he either snubs you or argues with you. He thinks he and his wife are better than everyone else and talks down about his friends all the time. He is like his older brother in that he calls his mom names and treats her like she is shit on his shoe. His wife is a histrionic nutjob who dramatizes everything just to be coddled. She is spoiled and is a thief as well.
Fear. I fear losing my son because of my mental health problems. I fear that my husband and mines relationship will finally hit the fan and I will be kicked out because I do not believe nor want to be a part of their family as they say I am.
The deep unhappiness and misery are self explanatory.
The disgust and disappointment is towards myself. I eat too much and never exercise. I am jobless and didn't receive financial aid for fall semester because I have fucked up too many times. I mean I am going to school in November for my CNA but somehow that doesn't alleviate my disappointment. I can never keep my shit together, I'm volatile and depressed and I hate myself for it. My inability to properly beat myself up for it irks me as well.
Finally the pessimism. I don't see this ever getting better. I don't feel strong enough to remove myself from the situation and everytime I try to express my feelings to my husband, he just doesn't understand and usually becomes butthurt over the fact that I feel the way I do. Then he usually proceeds to lament about how I probably shouldn't be with him then if I feel the way I do. It's like he doesn't see that I am trying to work through our issues.
I can put myself in his shoes though. I remember past ex's telling me the same things that I'm telling my husband and I can remember being so butthurt, so stunned. I'd automatically assume that they just didn't want to be with me and that they were trying to break up with me softly as to not hurt my feelings. In my mind, it would just reaffirm my belief that I was just so inherently worthless and evil and that I should just alienate myself from the human race. I'd break into hysterics and beg for them not to leave me, to take me back, that I'd be different that time. I felt like I was being rejected again and I just couldn't bear the pain of it. However, instead of the typical BPD "you're going to leave me? Then I'll just leave you first so that I don't have to feel the pain of rejection" I'd fight tooth and nail to keep them. I just can't remember how I broke myself out of that mindset. I think it's because I took a hiatus from relationships. I refused to be romantically affiliated with anyone; I tried to just concentrate on myself, to learn who I was without being attached to someone else. I have deep identity issues and every time I was in a relationship, they became my identity. I had to learn who I was without that.
I get butthurt with him though too. I wouldn't care if he broke up with me. I can't pinpoint why, but it's come close before and I was just so apathetic. It's the little things that sting. For instance, I was just describing to him the things that I mentioned above and asking him if that's how he felt. He confirmed it and I told him I knew that because I used to be the same way. Then I went on to tell him that instead of breaking up with the person that, instead, I would plead for them to not leave me. What does he say? Nothing at all. Instead he mentions that a "favorite" family member has arrived at the house. No recognizing what I just said. Just skipped right over it. Ouch. And of course, I just can't let it go. I have to pursue the matter at hand. This is one of the many reasons why we fight. We fight and bicker a lot. More fighting than bickering lately.
He just responded by asking me why I don't beg and plead and go into hysterics when he tells me he thinks we should break up. Typical. I told him that you can only say something so mean and hurtful so many times before the person gets sick of it and stops caring; it loses it's shock value after awhile too.
I'm exhausted of writing about all of this. I think I've psychoanalyzed myself enough today.