(no subject)
I dont know how to say this, I don't know how to go on with life as normal once I do say this. but apparently I owe it to atleast my closest friends to tell them whats going on, atleast thats what the theropist from harborview tells me...
Last night I tried to hurt myself. The doctor's would call me an atempted suicide patient but I don't see how that works when i took mucsle relaxers and then drank a whole bottle of epicac. In a sense I tried to kill myself by overdose but I then turned right around and pumped my own stumach which is exactly what they do for you in the hospital when you come in for overdoseing...
I guess I'm supposed to thank my mother for taking me to the hospital but in all honesty she's worked my entire like to make me feel unimportant and a lesser to my sister. It's hard to go back and explain where this all started without singeling out my mom. That's selfish I know but the truth is when a child is told daily that they are too fat too slow not good enough not fast enough not the child they should be it wears on them, and after 20 of hearing that I will always be second priority simply because I have failed her no matter what I succeed at it fucking wears on you. Of course I feel worthless and completely irrelevent to everyone's life because that's what's been communicated to me since I can remember.
It doesn't help that my boyfriend makes it pretty obvious that something as stupid as pot is more important to him that me. I'm sure he'd deny that statement but I went to his house last night sobbing, i told him last night that I was at the end of my rope and that I needed someone to sit with me because I wasn't sure that I wouldn't do something stupid if I was left alone and he gave me and hug and then left to go buy a dub and smoke it with alex and kaila and kyle. I was standing right there begging him to help me keep myself and he went out to smoke instead...
How could I not do it after that? I had no where to go, nothing going for me, and people were making it very clear that I was not important to them. The theropist tells me not to blame others but to explain why I acted the way i did last night, even if that means pointing out the way people have mistreated me.
Evidently I have a very long road to "recovery" ahead of me. I'll be out of the hospital here in pobably a couple hours. but i now have theropy twice a week, tuesday's for my ed and then thursday's for my depression, there saying that things will probably be this way for atleast the next year and that it'd probably be smart to stay in some sort of theropy indefinatly. There also telling me that just from the 5 hours they've spent treating me here they can tell that I'm probably bi-polar, severaly OCD, I apparently suffer from atleast one sort of anxiety dissorder and don't forget the bulima-nervousa..... The worst part of this all is that most of whats now wrong with has come from me not talking. They tell me if I had just found some sort of stress outlet when I was younger than I wouldn't be here, a hobbie a best friend a sport something to help me relax when i was younger than I wouldn;t be here. In a sense I've done this all to myself...
The good news is that most of whats wrong with me is either reversable and easily managed in a normal healthy day to day life. I've got alot of hard work ahead of me. I have to basically relearn pretty much all of my emotional skills. And I know I have to talk to chris about all this, I don't know how I am going to start or how this is going to effect our relationship, I don't even know if after all this there still is a relationship...
I guess I should say I'm sorry for being a raving bitch for the past while. I understand if you have questions, I'm willing to talk about it with you, I just ask that this not be broadcasted for eveyone to know...