ugh....
i can't handle much of this anymore...he needs to either shit or get off the pot..he's been back for a month now..and ya...i just emotionally and financially can't handle this anymore...and for some unGodly known reason (all us females know it's because he's male) he still won't consider moving back home...
ok..so he might not be considering it because i've been a bitch lately...well i dunno about you guys, but i think i have perfect reason to be one...and it's not just to him btw, it's everyone...i mean im knee deep in debt (worse than i was 6 years ago when i moved in with my parents), im struggling to pay my car payment and rent (basically saying i haven't been able to pay ANYTHING on EVERYTHING else since october), my cupboards are empty (we've been going to my parents to eat), and i don't see any light at the end of this deep dark tunnel...it really feels like i've fallen into a well...and to top it all off, the one man i trusted enough with mine and jaydes lives is willing to help me out, but it's not gonna be enough...don't get me wrong, im completely grateful for the offer, but i cry everyday because of everything toppling down on me...heres another problem....
chris calling this other place "home"...i can't stand it...it kills every time i hear him say it...i just wanna set the place on fire and walk away with a shit eating grin on my face...right now he's as sick as a dog and at "home"..he won't let me come over, he won't come over here, he basically doesn't want anything to do with me...he says im reading too much into it, which i might be just a tad bit..but he's gotta understand that im used to taking care of him...im used to doing what i can to make him feel better...and im dieing just knowing that he's over there feeling like he is and i can't do a damn thing about it...we got into an hour long argument about this...i've been trying to tell him for the past bunch of days that somethings gotta give, but i guess he didn't hear me until now...and of course, im in the wrong..im reading into things too much, im blowing things out of proportion...it feels like when it comes to my feelings (no matter what they are) im always in the wrong...i can't handle that...im not one to close up and keep my feelings in...but when im with him i feel this is what im supposed to do, well unless they're good toward him of course...
i guess what it comes down to is that he's losing me...i feel myself pulling away from him a little more each day...and instances like today just don't help one bit...he used to make me feel so incredibly needed...now,,,,,,im not...he says he can "take care of himself" which i know and understand...but he could at least humor me...i even told him he was losing me...but of course, he just didn't comprehend the reason why...like always, "im reading too much into things"...but i see it this way, maybe just maybe if i had read into things better last time, i wouldn't have gotten so damn fucked over...i mean now after everything was all said and done, i shoulda saw it coming...and the thing is, i see some of the things now as i did then...
i do know he loves me, at least im pretty sure he does..he gets jealous as shit when it's not needed...for instance, one of my friends offered jayde and i to move into his house...it's a 4 bedroom house...ok...so we'd all have our own rooms...and he was only gonna charge me like 250-300 which includes everything...sounds like too good of a deal?..well the situation is that his brother lived there and was helping him, his brother moved out..now he can't make his mortgage...so all he's asking for is the little extra that he needs to make the payments and be able to live...well, i tell chris this and of course he automatically thinks the whole deal is because he wants to nail me...this turns him sour and doesn't make matters any better...he tells me to go ahead but he just KNOWS that imma end up fucking this guy...ok, first off, this is NOT me..i don't fuck around...it's pointless...second, i would NEVER do that to chris..it's just not worth it...and then he turns it on me, well you'd flip if i moved in with a chick...well duh!! of course i would because you're supposed to be here with ME!!!!..it wasn't my choice for him to move out in the first place..so ya, i'd be pissy if he moved in with a chick...i would never put him in the situation he put me...and i told him this...so blah..instead of moving in with the guy, catching up on bills, and leading a less stressful life (money wise) imma just suck it up and keep going with this place until i guess im evicted...i know, sounds stupid of me...cuz right now i should be thinking of whats best for my daughter and i...but i dunno...it's like a no win situation...either i stay here (which means staying with chris) and struggle like all hell financially, or i move in with the guy and deal with the daily hell from chris (which includes possible break-up)...i just tell him the possibility of it and he flips on me..so ya, i KNOW he wouldn't stick around any longer if that was the choice i made...
i know, i know..im going back and forth on everything...thats cuz theres just so much all at once...i don't know how else to handle things...if i talk to anyone face to face about this, they try to give me advice (which i usually don't like so i block them out), or i catch hell from it sometime or another...so i've decided that for now on i shall vent in my journal...this is what it's all about anyways right?...this way i don't have to see the disappointment in anyones eyes when everything blows up in my face cuz i didn't take their advice...i tried venting to my mom about things the other day, and of course, it blew up in my face..which i understand her point of view...if jayde was in this much trouble cuz of a guy that she went back with, i'd be hella pissed at her as well..but people gotta keep in mind that im one for finding things out on my own...i don't listen well to others advice...
on a funny note...the neighbor across the hall from me moved out over a month ago...there was a note on the door the other day and i couldn't help myself but read it...i know, im horribly nosey...but it was a note from the complex saying about past rent due for january and to come in to pay it immediately....i guess they didn't tell em they were moving out eh?!?!? heh..dumbasses
ok..im done