The End
All My Villains is now officially closed. To everyone who has participated over the last year, we thank you so much. We couldn't have had this much fun without you. Thank you for making this such an awesome year, and good luck with all of your future endeavors.
To everyone who has watched and interacted with the characters, you helped make AMV worthwhile. It wouldn't have been the same without you. If you have anything you'd like to say to any of the RPers, feel free to do so in the comments.
If you'd like to follow our shenanigans, we've started a new RP at amv_reboot.
ALL MY VILLAINS: A SOAP OPERA OF EPIC PROPORTIONS
Starring:
hijackme asAlexander Dawes
gene200 asBart Allen/Impulse
hijackme asBruce Wayne/Batman
mcbat asClark Kent/Superman
sidhefaer asHarley Quinn
fistsandfangs asHarvey Dent
anomalous_data asDr. Joan Leland/Batwoman
ladyvoldything asKaren Starr/Power Girl
mcbat asJarvis
ladyvoldything asJon Crane
anomalous_data asLex Luthor
sidhefaer asPepper Potts
fistsandfangs asSteve Rogers/Captain America
sidhefaer asTony Stark/Iron Man
fistsandfangs asZatanna Zatara
mcbat asZod
Bruce and Harvey:
Bruce Wayne and Harvey Dent married on December 15th, 2009, in a private ceremony conducted at Wayne Manor and presided over by Joan Leland. They honeymooned for two weeks in southern France, returning just in time to celebrate the New Year with their friends. Bruce continued to fight crime on a nightly basis, and Harvey took on many historic court cases pro bono, including clones and metahumans who were under the guidance of Jon Crane. Fourteen years later, Bruce retired from being Batman, and Harvey retired from his position as head of the Wayne Enterprises Legal department. Alex took over Bruce's duties with occasional assistance from his father. The three lived together at the Manor for the remainder of their lives. Alex cooked and Harvey amused himself by buying ridiculously expensive things that he certainly didn't need. And if Bruce started to brood slightly less, well, no one seemed to mind.
Joan Leland:
Overhauling Arkham, to no one’s surprise, was not an easy process, and Leland temporarily retired from being Batwoman while trying to keep the government from shutting the asylum down completely. In the end, it was a combination of Leland’s determination, testimony from patients who had actually been helped, and Bruce Wayne’s money that kept the asylum running and the patients off the streets. Once Leland had government funding and backing, she was able to fire the corrupt staff members (roughly 82% of Arkham’s staff, actually) and bring in more competent doctors and guards. By the time she retired as director at age 62, Arkham was a modern, well-functioning facility, though it never quite lost its eerie feel.
Leland retired permanently from being Batwoman when Alex Dawes became Bruce’s fulltime crime fighting partner, and while she often missed it, knew it was probably for the best. She eventually mended her relationship with Harley Quinn, though things were never quite the same. Leland came to accept that they had missed their moment. However, superheroes were never fully gone from her life, and during an attack on Gotham city, Joan met Wonder Woman. The two hit it off immediately, and were married in an Amazonian wedding ceremony three years later. Leland now divides her time between her home in Gotham and the palace on Themyscira.
Harley Quinn:
It's unclear if Harley ever recovered from the myriad problems plaguing her personal and professional life. Seeing the Joker after months of abuse and isolation left her confused and conflicted, and the death of her close friend Poison Ivy nearly sent her careening over the edge-again. Leland was the only thing that kept her within the thin realm of sanity, but even then, their friendship was strained with Harley's indecision to recover from a life of crime. Eventually, they parted ways, with Harley leaving Gotham to pursue a tranquil lifestyle, free of her past. She now lives and maintains a flourishing street cafe in Chicago, Illinois, and speaks for the Chicago Abused Women Coalition under an anonymous title.
Jon Crane:
Jon wound up spending over three years inside Arkham’s walls, clawing his way towards a stable and saner self. They were a difficult three years fraught with setbacks and suspicious packages from Hush, but in the end he emerged a newly stable man. Shortly after celebrating his sixth birthday, the Gotham Times published an exposé about human cloning focusing on Gotham’s very own youngest clone, Jonathan Crane (junior).
The first few years of being “out” were insanely difficult, with ridicule and press coverage at every corner, hardly abating when other institutes stepped forward to present their clones as proof. Jon navigated his legal and personal difficulties with the support of Doctor Leland and his attorney, Harvey Dent. When enough clones had come forward, funding from various private interests (along with a considerable donation from Hush) allowed him to found The Dolly Project, a watchdog group for human cloning that policed ethics and humane treatment of clones. The Dolly Project also provided support and services to existing clones to help them adjust to society, and campaigned for tighter regulations on the use of human cloning. Although the Project had many lawyers at its disposal, especially after going international, Harvey remained their highest-ranking legal advisor over the years.
Hush, his surrogate father, remained a bone of contention for Jon throughout his life. There was no question that he loved the man dearly, but could not reconcile Hush’s illegal activities or blood-thirst with his newfound lifestyle. He kept Hush in his life, still spending quite a bit of time with him, but remained detached from the crime for the remainder of his life-in fact, on several occasions his warnings to Bruce helped foil some plot against Batman. But Jon never had the heart to turn him in, and remained supportive and loyal any way he could after Hush was inevitably incarcerated. Hush, in turn, had all of his money put in Jon’s possession, giving Jon the funds to support the Dolly Project for the rest of his life.
Jon’s personal life improved immensely once he became well-adjusted and reasonably sane. His courage in coming forward made him a magnet for his kind, especially after publishing his book, I Was A Teenage Scarecrow. When he was around 15 (47 in dog years), he married a Japanese clone who had similarly grown up in a lab, named Kazuki Sato, whom he was with until he died.
Lex and Clark:
Once Lex was released from Arkham, he started the arduous and deeply frustrating task of trying to clean up his company and all of the various illegal activities he was involved in. This took time and was fairly alarming to both his competitors and the governments of several different countries, but by the end of the year, LexCorp was more or less a completely legal company. Part of it included working with Power Girl and Jon to overhaul his studies on metahumans and cloning, respectively, and though Lex mourned his lost money and science projects, he was true to his word about turning over a new leaf.
Clark (now that all his time wasn’t spent taking apart Lex’s doomsday devices), was able to make Metropolis a safer, crime-free city. Superman became the official leader of the Justice League, and helped save the world roughly every other Tuesday. Although none of his friends particularly trusted Lex, Clark had confidence that things were going to be different.
Lex Luthor and Clark Kent were legally married in the courthouse of Smallville, Kansas, with Martha Kent as a witness. They later had a marriage ceremony in Metropolis, which resulted in $150,000 worth of damage to the church, the surrounding buildings, and the sewer lines used as an escape route. Harvey Dent, who served as Lex’s best man, was quoted as saying, “This is the worst idea in human history and Bruce and I will be in the Bahamas until it blows over.” On the other hand, Kitty Kowalski, who served as maid of honor, commented, “There was actually a lot less death than I was expecting.” Once they were married, Lex used the cloning technology that he was allowed to keep to create Connor Kent, from a combination of Clark’s DNA and his own. A variety of middle names were considered (‘Jonathan’ in seriousness, ‘Lionel’ as a sick joke), but they eventually settled on ‘Bruce’.
Volatile as their relationship was, Lex and Clark never actually got divorced once they tied the knot. There was an unfortunate incident during their second anniversary that involved a drunken fight, giant robots, and screaming insults at each other in the middle of a crowded intersection, but it became a very amusing story later. Things were perhaps best summarized by Clark, who said, “I think the fact that we haven’t killed each other yet means that you were right about that destiny thing.”
Power Girl:
Karen Starr’s life changed considerably after being put in control of the Asia Project and LexCorp metahuman research. The division, later renamed MayStarr Metagenic Research, became a much less exploitative effort to research the source of metahuman powers-both to induce their development and to “cure” the harmful effects. In addition, Kara used her business resources to find shiftless young metahumans all over the world and teach them to control their powers more effectively.
With this second aspect of her business in full swing, Kara Zor-L scaled back her activities as Power Girl somewhat (though never fully abandoning them, often fighting alongside Huntress or Iron Man) to devote herself to raising a new generation of super-powered heroes devoted to fighting crime the world over. Of course, for every youngster she took under her wing, another file was added to her offices in Metropolis and Beijing, with the labs always working on ways to safely depower metas, as a sort of fail-safe should they turn rogue. In a show of faith, she cooperated with LexCorp’s joint effort with Wayne Enterprises to create a kind of Kryptonite that would work specifically on Power Girl.
However, she wasn’t on board with it until after another possibility was exhausted. For all her efforts and business acumen, she never forgot for a waking second the universe she had left behind, or the family and friends who missed her. One day, Lex got the portal to zero in on her universe’s frequency, and the preparations were made. When the time came, however, they received a dead signal indicating that entire universe had been destroyed. Faced with the reality of making this world her world, Kara threw herself into it and agreed to that last condition: being fallible.
Tony Stark and Pepper Potts:
Tony Stark was promoted as co-director of SHIELD alongside Nick Fury, similarly working as the unofficial leader of the newly-formed Avengers and remaining a strong ally to the Justice League of America. In the years following, Tony became increasingly scarce, preferring mostly to appear as Iron Man rather than to sell his image to the press or the public domain. There were some brief speculations about his mental health, but those have subsided over time.
Despite company objections, Tony insisted on spending no small amount of his wealth on nonprofit organizations rather than Stark Industries research and development. And, when not inventing in his recently renovated lab, Stark was often spotted in the company of others, no longer only working alone. Stark-the-businessman collaborated with other big names such as Wayne Enterprises and LexCorp (namely, the MayStarr Metagenic Research division) to bring new, never-before-seen technology to the fore, while Stark-the-superhero could be seen with Power Girl, Captain America, and, at times, Superman himself.
Even though Tony's personal life was heavily shielded from the tabloids, his bachelor status seemed to remain untarnished, despite rumors of him settling down with a fellow Avenger and longtime friend. On the rare times he emerges from his Malibu retreat, Tony can be seen with a plain band of gold on his finger, enjoying a scotch or two.
Pepper Potts, assistant to Stark for several long years, finally resigned in good humor and married Tony's chauffeur, Happy Hogan. Though she occasionally did the favor or two for Tony, her priorities were her own, resulting in a less stressful, less demanding lifestyle. She and Happy bought a house in the country, where Tony visits them once in awhile - for posterity, he says, and to proofread Pepper's autobiography, just to be sure.
You've unlocked the good AMV ending! But there are other, sillier ways the story could have ended. For example...
The One with Australia
The second time Tony’s suit gained sentience and kidnapped him to a deserted island in hopes of gaining his love, Tony Stark started to wonder if he hadn’t been cursed at some point and had been too drunk to notice.
“This never happens to Luthor,” he muttered, staggering through the jungle and pondering what Steve would do in this situation. Probably something patriotic. “God damn it, where is he?”
Lex had actually received Tony’s distress call about three days ago, but had been far too busy plotting to answer it promptly. But now everything was in place, and rescuing Tony would be the perfect distraction while he made his move.
“Hey, Clark, Tony’s been abducted by his suit,” Lex said, placing the appropriate amount of concern in his voice. “I think it wants to win his love, Frankenstein-style.”
“WHAT?!”
Once Clark was on his way to the island, Lex sent an e-mail out to the correct people and headed for Australia. He had work to do.
By the time Clark arrived, the suit had chased Tony up a tree and was advancing with a distinctly menacing gleam in its eye. Tony had never been so happy to see the Big Blue Boyscout in his entire life, even counting the time Supes had fished his favorite car out of the Rio Grande as a favor.
“Maybe you should stop making your suits so enamored with you?” Clark suggested, brushing the remnants of the suit off his shoulders.
“Hey, it’s not my fault everyone loves me,” Tony said, scratching at his sunburn irritably. “Where am I, anyway?”
“A small island near Australia…” Clark’s eyes narrowed. There was a distinct lack of radio communication coming from Australia, and a quick scan revealed Lex was not where he was supposed to be.
“Oh, I’m going to kill him.”
By the time Clark arrived at Sydney, Tony clinging to his back, Lex had usurped control of the government and crowned himself Emperor of Australia. (“I took New Zealand too, just to be an Emperor.”) Clark was not amused, to say the least.
“I’ve been plotting this for months,” Lex said cheerfully, crown perched at an angle on his head. “I just needed you to be busy with something. Hey, Tony. Nice sunburn.”
“There’s no way I’m letting you keep Australia, Lex.”
“Not even if I let you be my Queen?”
“No.”
“What if I give you the really hot parts in the middle of the country that no one wants?”
“You’re going to jail.”
Fortunately for Lex, a plane carrying everyone they knew (being an Emperor meant he got an excellent discount on plane tickets) arrived at that moment, and it prevented him from getting a well-deserved beating.
“Lex!” Harvey said cheerfully, giving him a bear hug. “You’re royalty now!”
“I am,” Lex said, casting a smug look in Clark’s direction. “You want New Zealand? Oh, hey, Bruce. How’s conquering Neptune going?”
Since Lex had declared the day of his crowning to be a national holiday, Clark had to wait until the next day to start protesting to the UN. In the meantime, Lex had insisted on an island-wide party. There was much rejoicing and dancing with Ewoks, as Ewoks are native to Australia.
“Come on, wouldn’t a new Fortress on top of Ayers Rock look amazing?” Lex said, slinging an arm around Clark’s shoulder.
“I’m not talking to you,” Clark said, taking an irritated sip of his virgin daiquiri.
The glowing blue spirits of Thomas and Martha Wayne took Bruce aside and, after confirming that they weren’t hallucinations, drug-induced or otherwise, told him that they were very proud of him and his crime-fighting.
“And you even married that nice Dent boy,” Martha said with a smile, patting Bruce on the shoulder.
“We love you so much, son,” Thomas said. “But also, seriously, you need to get over us being dead. It’s been decades.”
Thus all of Australia celebrated the crowning of Emperor Lex (“I’m serious, Lex. You’re going to jail for this.”), and they all lived happily ever after.
The One with the Chase Scene
When Bruce and Harvey took their wedding vows, Harvey assumed it would mean the end of any and all secrets between them. Married couples agree to love and cherish and trust each other, after all. Harvey had every intention of staying with his beau-until certain terrifying facts came to light, that is. One day Harvey found a small, leather-bound volume labeled with only the year in Bruce’s study. Like any person with more curiosity than sense, he decided to go snooping into the Dark Knight’s past. What he found disturbed him to no small degree.
November 3rd, 2008
Dear Bat-diary,
Tony was being a jerk and wouldn’t let me use Jarvis, so of course I had to persuade him. A vial of KCl usually does the trick, and sure enough, Tony was compliant in no time. People are so helpful when you threaten to kill them.
Harvey, frightened and excitable as a puppy, went to hide in the attic, emerging periodically only to stock up on snacks. He survived on nothing but goldfish crackers and grape juice for three weeks, during which Bruce got progressively more annoyed. Finally Leland stopped by for one of her bi-weekly refrigerator raids, and decided to look for Harvey herself. She found him in a matter of minutes, and he relayed the disturbing information he had gleaned that fateful night.
“Joan,” he said in a shaky voice, and handed her the weathered volume. “Turn to page 12. There’s something you should know.” Leland did had she was bade, eyes widening in horrified surprise.
Dear Bat-diary,
I think Alfred might be getting closer to the truth. I don’t want to hurt my faithful butler, but if he keeps asking questions, I may have no choice. I can’t afford for him to know my great secret. Alfred can’t find out that I killed my parents in a fit of petty rage and blamed the murders on a “mugger.” He can’t know that my crime-fighting antics have been nothing more than the elaboration of a bad lie-one I’ve been telling for almost 26 years now.
“I always knew there was something wrong with that rat-bastard,” Leland muttered angrily. She and Harvey fled Wayne Manor that very night, a naked chainsaw-wielding Bruce in hot pursuit.
“Consider this an annulment!” Harvey yelled upstairs as he slid down the banister. Leland rolled her eyes and threw open the front door, exposing them both to a torrent of rain. They made it to the car and returned to Arkham; Leland immediately called in the state troopers and explained the situation. A few hours later Bruce found himself wearing a tacky orange jumpsuit and confined to a maximum security cell. He escaped days later, and to this day no one quite knows what became of Gotham’s most infamous native son.
The One with the Tea Party
“Captain’s Log, Stardate2206.53: Luthor is constructing his Death Star as I speak, unaware that I am centuries ahead of him in technology. While he continues work on his primitive Star Wars-inspired space station, I fortify my planet with defenses he can never hope to emulate. We go to battle as soon as he is finished with his puny project, and it is clear to all that-”
“Bruce, will you cut that out? I told you that you’re not allowed to record your thoughts anymore. Remember last time, when Lex stole the tapes and took back Jupiter?” Harvey snatched the voice recorder from Bruce’s hand and deleted the log.
“If you weren’t Queen, I would have you executed right now,” Bruce said, although he didn’t really sound angry.
“I’m sure.”
Bruce looked down over the sprawling metropolis of Waynetopia from the large windows of his palace. When he had first colonized Neptune four years ago, it had consisted of very few people, but since then, there had been a mass migration from Earth, ruled by the dictator Tony Stark, who was nice most of the time, but flew into massive, drunk rages resulting in the dismemberment of thousands at a time. Of course, the climate of Neptune was at first difficult for people to get used to, but the addition of thick furs and excellent central heating systems made the adjustment easier. The heating was so good in Bruce’s palace that he often had to walk around in nothing at all, which reminded him much of his old home on Earth.
“Sir?”
“Yes, Alfred?”
“I don’t mean to interrupt your brooding, but Master Luthor is requesting entry onto Neptune.”
“Send Harvey with a message from me.”
“Very well, sir. Shall it be your customary greeting?”
“Of course.”
Harvey sighed, heading up to the bedroom to find his furs and preparing to stick his tongue out at Lex yet again. One of these days Lex was going to laser it off, he just knew it.
Lex’s eventual invasion of Neptune never panned out, as he and Bruce ended up resolving their differences over a tea party in the garden of Bruce’s palace. They decided they would team up to invade Mercury, which had been inexplicably taken over by Power Girl, whom they both despised.
The One with the Friendly Takeover
The thing about Harvey Dent-he never does anything without a reason.
Take his friendships, for example. Harvey has managed to ingratiate himself with two billionaires and three crime fighters, including the director of Arkham Asylum. He’s going to marry the richest man in Gotham City, and upon Wayne’s demise that title will almost certainly fall to him. He’s doing very well for himself, and the performance has been flawless. Seamless. He knows from his lunches with Luthor that Wayne is next in line to control LexCorp, should anything happen to its namesake.
Lex Luthor is criminally insane, recently committed to Arkham. Harvey knows this, and knows what it means: LexCorp is up for grabs. It doesn’t take much to persuade Bruce that the company would be so much better off in his hands-in Bruce’s. It’s a simple suit, and Harvey helpfully supplies Wayne’s attorneys with all the information necessary: proof of Luthor’s instability, his frequent attempts to murder Superman, his illegal operations within the company. Harvey provides them with a nice, tidy-and above all, airtight-argument. Bruce doesn’t know this. He only knows that Harvey smiles sweetly when he returns the afternoon of the trial, and congratulates him with a kiss.
It’s not that Harvey doesn’t love Bruce, because he does. But he also knows an opportunity when he sees one.
Harvey has infiltrated Arkham Asylum. It wasn’t difficult; he’s a regular visitor there, and established certain habits months ago that make his presence seem perfectly acceptable. But now he has people on the inside, Arkham employees who he’s charmed and palled around with. His closest ‘friend’ at the Asylum also happens to be the man in charge of security: a pallid, sweaty, nervous little man, someone who ordinarily wouldn’t have merited a glance. But he has access to everything, all of the computers and card systems and cells. It’s next to nothing to persuade him to switch the security cards, prisoner for doctor. The prisoners like the game enough to stay, are wildly entertained by the reversal. Even Dr. Leland gets her very own cell, the one that used to be Harvey’s. He watches passionlessly, hands clasped behind his back, while she struggles against two burly patients. When he has insured that all of the doctors are locked away, he calmly makes his way to Leland’s office, which will be his now.
“Wayne Manor, please,” he says into the receiver, pouring himself a scotch. The bottle was almost full, and Harvey has to admire her restraint. He clears his throat while the operator connects him, forcing his expression into one of fear and confusion. Bruce answers the phone, his voice gruff and businesslike.
“Oh, God, Bruce, you won’t believe what’s happened!” Harvey stammers in a voice a full octave higher.
“I need you to come to Arkham right away. Something’s wrong, and I think Joan’s in trouble. Please, Bruce. I-I don’t know what to do.”
Harvey hangs up before Wayne can respond, and sinks into the leather-padded office chair, resting his heels on the desk’s scratched wooden surface.
Bruce Wayne will shortly go missing. After a few grief-stricken months Harvey will grudgingly assume control of his boyfriend’s company, and by extension, Lex’s.
He’s almost disappointed by how easy it was.
The One with the Zombies
“Harvey, I’m going to kill you,” Leland said, and for the first time, she genuinely meant it. “And odds are, I’m going to eat you.”
“Now, guys,” Harvey said nervously, not letting go of the fire axe clenched in his hands, “this is not my fault. At least, not completely.”
“Oh, really?!” Lex snapped, already extremely cranky due to the fact that his scalp had been removed, leaving him even balder than before. “Because I’m pretty sure I specifically told you NOT TO PUSH THE GODDAMNED BUTTON MARKED ‘SELF-DESTRUCT’!”
“Maybe he just assumed you wouldn’t actually be stupid enough to have a self-destruct button,” Tony said, deeply perturbed at the fact that the hole in his esophagus prevented him from drinking. “Though I’m a little confused as to why he’s not dead like the rest of us.”
“The actual room with the self-destruct button is so reinforced and shielded that it could survive a direct hit from a nuclear bomb,” Lex said, considering which part of Harvey he should devour first. “The rest of my facility-”
“Your evil lair, you mean.”
“-was less fortunate.”
“I thought you told me my zombie sex curse wasn’t real!” Harvey protested, still not putting down the axe. “I didn’t mean to kill everyone!” He smiled hesitantly. “I’m glad you’re all back from the dead?”
But that didn’t do much to appease the undead horde of people who had slept with Harvey. It only made them hungrier.
“I’m going to eat your brain like delicious yogurt, Harvey,” Leland said, eyeing the burnt half of his face thoughtfully.
Jon, who had been quietly having an existential crisis over becoming a zombie, piped up to say, “I want his eyes!”
“Hey!” Bruce snapped, stepping in front of Harvey. “No one is eating anyone! This is a huge overre-” He narrowed his eyes and turned to ask, “We can still have sex, even though I’m dead, right?”
Harvey nodded.
“Then this is a huge overreaction!” Bruce said firmly. “I’m sure this can be reversed. Lex, don’t you have some kind of chemical to bring zombies back to life?”
“No. Why would I have that?”
“Then what good are you?”
“I really, really hope this can be fixed,” Superman said, staring his own skin. It was glowing in the sun. “Because I think I’m one of the vampires from Twilight.”
The moment of alarmed silence was broken by Crane, who had sensed other zombies in the city.
“Finally!” Crane said, grinning from ear to rotted ear. “Everyone else is undead!”
Leland’s eye twitched so hard that it nearly fell out. “Yes. I’m definitely eating you.”
The One with Matt Damon
[One year following their marriage ceremony, the relationship between Bruce Wayne and Harvey Dent sadly fell apart. While the divorce was otherwise amicable, there was some contention over each partner’s fidelity (Harvey’s). Harvey, in lieu of a simple phone call, compiled a video to explain himself. This is a transcript of that video.]
INTERIOR-WAYNE MANOR. HARVEY IS HOLDING A GUITAR HERO GUITAR AND PUSHING BUTTONS.
HARVEY: Hi, Bruce, it’s Harvey. So, your lawyers just called accusing me of not being faithful. I felt there was only one correct response, and Lex agreed with me.
LEX (offscreen): Hi, Bruce!
HARVEY: So, with the help of some friends and your bank account, I decided to give you a response that I hope is clear. (Cue ineffectual strumming; HARVEY breaks out into song with music playing in the background.) I’m fucking Joan Leland!
Camera pans over to JOAN LELAND, who looks resigned.
LELAND: He’s fucking Joan Leland.
HARVEY: I’m sorry but it’s true. I’m fucking Joan Leland.
LEX turns the camera around, looking incredibly smug.
LEX: He’s fucking Joan Leland.
HARVEY: I’m not imagining it’s you.
LELAND (casually): Nope.
HARVEY: I’m fucking Joan Leland!
LELAND: In your bed, near the door, in Arkham, on the floor.
HARVEY: In the cave, in the car, up against the mini-bar.
HARVEY: I’m fucking Joan Leland!
Cut to the entire Gotham Rogue’s Gallery, including the Joker, Harley Quinn, Hush, Ivy, Jon Crane, and Zombie Scarecrow.
VILLAINS: He’s fucking Joan Leland!
HARVEY: While you’re mourning your dead parents.
Cut to the entire Justice League, looking apologetic.
ENTIRE JUSTICE LEAGUE: He’s fucking Joan Leland.
SUPERMAN (as an aside): I’m so sorry, Lex threatened to blow up the moon if we didn’t do this.
LEX: Suck it, Wayne! (Harvey gives a thumbs up.)
HARVEY sings a gentle ballad.
HARVEY: Hey, Bruce, don’t take it bad. Remember all the good times we had. Like the time you got the flu, and I had to hold your hair back while you puked. Then I texted Leland and bothered her at work.
Cut to three minute segment of the Rogue’s Gallery doing nothing but dancing, Jon and Hush with big smiles on their faces.
JOKER: I would have never done this to you. I would have shown you the respect you deserved and just cut your face off. Call me!
HARVEY: I’m fucking Joan Leland!
LELAND: He’s fucking Joan Leland.
HARVEY: Just know that I ain’t lyin’.
HARVEY: I said I’m fucking Joan Leland. (Eagerly) This is Two-face, by the way.
LELAND: He’s fucking Joan Leland.
ALFRED (concerned): Master Wayne, please stop crying.
HARVEY (cheerfully): Remember that time you were texting me on stakeout while Leland took the night off? I was fucking Joan Leland!
LELAND (looking vaguely ashamed): Remember that time we were teleconferencing therapy? He was fucking Joan Leland.
HARVEY: Remember that time I drained your bank account producing a video telling you I was fucking Joan Leland? I was definitely fucking Joan Leland.
LELAND: In the tumbler, on the lawn, in the hot tub, dusk ‘til dawn.
HARVEY: In a cell, on the roof, when you were so aloof.
Massive chorus of celebrities, including Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Kevin Spacey, and the entire cast of Smallville.
CELEBRITIES: He’s fucking Joan Leland!
LEX (angry and confused): Wait, who the hell are those people? (Indicates the cast of Smallville.) HEY, WHO ARE YOU? WHY DO YOU LOOK JUST LIKE EVERYONE I USED TO KNOW?
The celebrities burst into glorious chorus.
EVERYONE: We’re fucking Joan Leland!
LELAND: Wait, what?
EVERYONE: We’re fucking Joan Leland!
Repeat chorus three times. Fade out to Harvey and Leland.
HARVEY: So I hope this cleared things up. We had a great run, Bruce, and I hope there’s no hard feelings. I hope we can be friends. I’m friends with all my old boyfriends, including ones that tried to kill me. If anything isn’t clear or you need closure of some kind, feel free to contact my lawyers.
LELAND: Um, just to clarify, the only reason a group of fifty people just sang that they were all fucking me is because it was part of the song. I’m not actually sleeping with everyone on set. Well, besides Harvey, obviously. And Two-Face. Oh, and your duplicate from the other dimension. He’s back.
OTHER BRUCE: Hi!
LELAND: Oh, and well, George Clooney, but I can’t be blamed for that. Matt Damon, too. And then most of those Smallville people.
LEX: WHO ARE YOU?!
LELAND: Oh, and Harley. And Wonder Woman, too, which was just fantastic. And the Green Arrow, but I was drunk so I’m not sure it counts. Huh, I guess I actually have slept with several of these people. Um. Anyway. He’s fucking Joan Leland.
[The video went on to win several Emmys, and was translated into 69 languages, which Harvey felt was only appropriate. Guest directors included Michael Bay, George Lucas, Peter Jackson, James Cameron, and Christopher Nolan. It was a huge commercial success, so Bruce more than recouped his losses, but it was indeed a bitter victory.]
To everyone who has watched and interacted with the characters, you helped make AMV worthwhile. It wouldn't have been the same without you. If you have anything you'd like to say to any of the RPers, feel free to do so in the comments.
If you'd like to follow our shenanigans, we've started a new RP at amv_reboot.
ALL MY VILLAINS: A SOAP OPERA OF EPIC PROPORTIONS
Starring:
hijackme asAlexander Dawes
gene200 asBart Allen/Impulse
hijackme asBruce Wayne/Batman
mcbat asClark Kent/Superman
sidhefaer asHarley Quinn
fistsandfangs asHarvey Dent
anomalous_data asDr. Joan Leland/Batwoman
ladyvoldything asKaren Starr/Power Girl
mcbat asJarvis
ladyvoldything asJon Crane
anomalous_data asLex Luthor
sidhefaer asPepper Potts
fistsandfangs asSteve Rogers/Captain America
sidhefaer asTony Stark/Iron Man
fistsandfangs asZatanna Zatara
mcbat asZod
Bruce and Harvey:
Bruce Wayne and Harvey Dent married on December 15th, 2009, in a private ceremony conducted at Wayne Manor and presided over by Joan Leland. They honeymooned for two weeks in southern France, returning just in time to celebrate the New Year with their friends. Bruce continued to fight crime on a nightly basis, and Harvey took on many historic court cases pro bono, including clones and metahumans who were under the guidance of Jon Crane. Fourteen years later, Bruce retired from being Batman, and Harvey retired from his position as head of the Wayne Enterprises Legal department. Alex took over Bruce's duties with occasional assistance from his father. The three lived together at the Manor for the remainder of their lives. Alex cooked and Harvey amused himself by buying ridiculously expensive things that he certainly didn't need. And if Bruce started to brood slightly less, well, no one seemed to mind.
Joan Leland:
Overhauling Arkham, to no one’s surprise, was not an easy process, and Leland temporarily retired from being Batwoman while trying to keep the government from shutting the asylum down completely. In the end, it was a combination of Leland’s determination, testimony from patients who had actually been helped, and Bruce Wayne’s money that kept the asylum running and the patients off the streets. Once Leland had government funding and backing, she was able to fire the corrupt staff members (roughly 82% of Arkham’s staff, actually) and bring in more competent doctors and guards. By the time she retired as director at age 62, Arkham was a modern, well-functioning facility, though it never quite lost its eerie feel.
Leland retired permanently from being Batwoman when Alex Dawes became Bruce’s fulltime crime fighting partner, and while she often missed it, knew it was probably for the best. She eventually mended her relationship with Harley Quinn, though things were never quite the same. Leland came to accept that they had missed their moment. However, superheroes were never fully gone from her life, and during an attack on Gotham city, Joan met Wonder Woman. The two hit it off immediately, and were married in an Amazonian wedding ceremony three years later. Leland now divides her time between her home in Gotham and the palace on Themyscira.
Harley Quinn:
It's unclear if Harley ever recovered from the myriad problems plaguing her personal and professional life. Seeing the Joker after months of abuse and isolation left her confused and conflicted, and the death of her close friend Poison Ivy nearly sent her careening over the edge-again. Leland was the only thing that kept her within the thin realm of sanity, but even then, their friendship was strained with Harley's indecision to recover from a life of crime. Eventually, they parted ways, with Harley leaving Gotham to pursue a tranquil lifestyle, free of her past. She now lives and maintains a flourishing street cafe in Chicago, Illinois, and speaks for the Chicago Abused Women Coalition under an anonymous title.
Jon Crane:
Jon wound up spending over three years inside Arkham’s walls, clawing his way towards a stable and saner self. They were a difficult three years fraught with setbacks and suspicious packages from Hush, but in the end he emerged a newly stable man. Shortly after celebrating his sixth birthday, the Gotham Times published an exposé about human cloning focusing on Gotham’s very own youngest clone, Jonathan Crane (junior).
The first few years of being “out” were insanely difficult, with ridicule and press coverage at every corner, hardly abating when other institutes stepped forward to present their clones as proof. Jon navigated his legal and personal difficulties with the support of Doctor Leland and his attorney, Harvey Dent. When enough clones had come forward, funding from various private interests (along with a considerable donation from Hush) allowed him to found The Dolly Project, a watchdog group for human cloning that policed ethics and humane treatment of clones. The Dolly Project also provided support and services to existing clones to help them adjust to society, and campaigned for tighter regulations on the use of human cloning. Although the Project had many lawyers at its disposal, especially after going international, Harvey remained their highest-ranking legal advisor over the years.
Hush, his surrogate father, remained a bone of contention for Jon throughout his life. There was no question that he loved the man dearly, but could not reconcile Hush’s illegal activities or blood-thirst with his newfound lifestyle. He kept Hush in his life, still spending quite a bit of time with him, but remained detached from the crime for the remainder of his life-in fact, on several occasions his warnings to Bruce helped foil some plot against Batman. But Jon never had the heart to turn him in, and remained supportive and loyal any way he could after Hush was inevitably incarcerated. Hush, in turn, had all of his money put in Jon’s possession, giving Jon the funds to support the Dolly Project for the rest of his life.
Jon’s personal life improved immensely once he became well-adjusted and reasonably sane. His courage in coming forward made him a magnet for his kind, especially after publishing his book, I Was A Teenage Scarecrow. When he was around 15 (47 in dog years), he married a Japanese clone who had similarly grown up in a lab, named Kazuki Sato, whom he was with until he died.
Lex and Clark:
Once Lex was released from Arkham, he started the arduous and deeply frustrating task of trying to clean up his company and all of the various illegal activities he was involved in. This took time and was fairly alarming to both his competitors and the governments of several different countries, but by the end of the year, LexCorp was more or less a completely legal company. Part of it included working with Power Girl and Jon to overhaul his studies on metahumans and cloning, respectively, and though Lex mourned his lost money and science projects, he was true to his word about turning over a new leaf.
Clark (now that all his time wasn’t spent taking apart Lex’s doomsday devices), was able to make Metropolis a safer, crime-free city. Superman became the official leader of the Justice League, and helped save the world roughly every other Tuesday. Although none of his friends particularly trusted Lex, Clark had confidence that things were going to be different.
Lex Luthor and Clark Kent were legally married in the courthouse of Smallville, Kansas, with Martha Kent as a witness. They later had a marriage ceremony in Metropolis, which resulted in $150,000 worth of damage to the church, the surrounding buildings, and the sewer lines used as an escape route. Harvey Dent, who served as Lex’s best man, was quoted as saying, “This is the worst idea in human history and Bruce and I will be in the Bahamas until it blows over.” On the other hand, Kitty Kowalski, who served as maid of honor, commented, “There was actually a lot less death than I was expecting.” Once they were married, Lex used the cloning technology that he was allowed to keep to create Connor Kent, from a combination of Clark’s DNA and his own. A variety of middle names were considered (‘Jonathan’ in seriousness, ‘Lionel’ as a sick joke), but they eventually settled on ‘Bruce’.
Volatile as their relationship was, Lex and Clark never actually got divorced once they tied the knot. There was an unfortunate incident during their second anniversary that involved a drunken fight, giant robots, and screaming insults at each other in the middle of a crowded intersection, but it became a very amusing story later. Things were perhaps best summarized by Clark, who said, “I think the fact that we haven’t killed each other yet means that you were right about that destiny thing.”
Power Girl:
Karen Starr’s life changed considerably after being put in control of the Asia Project and LexCorp metahuman research. The division, later renamed MayStarr Metagenic Research, became a much less exploitative effort to research the source of metahuman powers-both to induce their development and to “cure” the harmful effects. In addition, Kara used her business resources to find shiftless young metahumans all over the world and teach them to control their powers more effectively.
With this second aspect of her business in full swing, Kara Zor-L scaled back her activities as Power Girl somewhat (though never fully abandoning them, often fighting alongside Huntress or Iron Man) to devote herself to raising a new generation of super-powered heroes devoted to fighting crime the world over. Of course, for every youngster she took under her wing, another file was added to her offices in Metropolis and Beijing, with the labs always working on ways to safely depower metas, as a sort of fail-safe should they turn rogue. In a show of faith, she cooperated with LexCorp’s joint effort with Wayne Enterprises to create a kind of Kryptonite that would work specifically on Power Girl.
However, she wasn’t on board with it until after another possibility was exhausted. For all her efforts and business acumen, she never forgot for a waking second the universe she had left behind, or the family and friends who missed her. One day, Lex got the portal to zero in on her universe’s frequency, and the preparations were made. When the time came, however, they received a dead signal indicating that entire universe had been destroyed. Faced with the reality of making this world her world, Kara threw herself into it and agreed to that last condition: being fallible.
Tony Stark and Pepper Potts:
Tony Stark was promoted as co-director of SHIELD alongside Nick Fury, similarly working as the unofficial leader of the newly-formed Avengers and remaining a strong ally to the Justice League of America. In the years following, Tony became increasingly scarce, preferring mostly to appear as Iron Man rather than to sell his image to the press or the public domain. There were some brief speculations about his mental health, but those have subsided over time.
Despite company objections, Tony insisted on spending no small amount of his wealth on nonprofit organizations rather than Stark Industries research and development. And, when not inventing in his recently renovated lab, Stark was often spotted in the company of others, no longer only working alone. Stark-the-businessman collaborated with other big names such as Wayne Enterprises and LexCorp (namely, the MayStarr Metagenic Research division) to bring new, never-before-seen technology to the fore, while Stark-the-superhero could be seen with Power Girl, Captain America, and, at times, Superman himself.
Even though Tony's personal life was heavily shielded from the tabloids, his bachelor status seemed to remain untarnished, despite rumors of him settling down with a fellow Avenger and longtime friend. On the rare times he emerges from his Malibu retreat, Tony can be seen with a plain band of gold on his finger, enjoying a scotch or two.
Pepper Potts, assistant to Stark for several long years, finally resigned in good humor and married Tony's chauffeur, Happy Hogan. Though she occasionally did the favor or two for Tony, her priorities were her own, resulting in a less stressful, less demanding lifestyle. She and Happy bought a house in the country, where Tony visits them once in awhile - for posterity, he says, and to proofread Pepper's autobiography, just to be sure.
You've unlocked the good AMV ending! But there are other, sillier ways the story could have ended. For example...
The One with Australia
The second time Tony’s suit gained sentience and kidnapped him to a deserted island in hopes of gaining his love, Tony Stark started to wonder if he hadn’t been cursed at some point and had been too drunk to notice.
“This never happens to Luthor,” he muttered, staggering through the jungle and pondering what Steve would do in this situation. Probably something patriotic. “God damn it, where is he?”
Lex had actually received Tony’s distress call about three days ago, but had been far too busy plotting to answer it promptly. But now everything was in place, and rescuing Tony would be the perfect distraction while he made his move.
“Hey, Clark, Tony’s been abducted by his suit,” Lex said, placing the appropriate amount of concern in his voice. “I think it wants to win his love, Frankenstein-style.”
“WHAT?!”
Once Clark was on his way to the island, Lex sent an e-mail out to the correct people and headed for Australia. He had work to do.
By the time Clark arrived, the suit had chased Tony up a tree and was advancing with a distinctly menacing gleam in its eye. Tony had never been so happy to see the Big Blue Boyscout in his entire life, even counting the time Supes had fished his favorite car out of the Rio Grande as a favor.
“Maybe you should stop making your suits so enamored with you?” Clark suggested, brushing the remnants of the suit off his shoulders.
“Hey, it’s not my fault everyone loves me,” Tony said, scratching at his sunburn irritably. “Where am I, anyway?”
“A small island near Australia…” Clark’s eyes narrowed. There was a distinct lack of radio communication coming from Australia, and a quick scan revealed Lex was not where he was supposed to be.
“Oh, I’m going to kill him.”
By the time Clark arrived at Sydney, Tony clinging to his back, Lex had usurped control of the government and crowned himself Emperor of Australia. (“I took New Zealand too, just to be an Emperor.”) Clark was not amused, to say the least.
“I’ve been plotting this for months,” Lex said cheerfully, crown perched at an angle on his head. “I just needed you to be busy with something. Hey, Tony. Nice sunburn.”
“There’s no way I’m letting you keep Australia, Lex.”
“Not even if I let you be my Queen?”
“No.”
“What if I give you the really hot parts in the middle of the country that no one wants?”
“You’re going to jail.”
Fortunately for Lex, a plane carrying everyone they knew (being an Emperor meant he got an excellent discount on plane tickets) arrived at that moment, and it prevented him from getting a well-deserved beating.
“Lex!” Harvey said cheerfully, giving him a bear hug. “You’re royalty now!”
“I am,” Lex said, casting a smug look in Clark’s direction. “You want New Zealand? Oh, hey, Bruce. How’s conquering Neptune going?”
Since Lex had declared the day of his crowning to be a national holiday, Clark had to wait until the next day to start protesting to the UN. In the meantime, Lex had insisted on an island-wide party. There was much rejoicing and dancing with Ewoks, as Ewoks are native to Australia.
“Come on, wouldn’t a new Fortress on top of Ayers Rock look amazing?” Lex said, slinging an arm around Clark’s shoulder.
“I’m not talking to you,” Clark said, taking an irritated sip of his virgin daiquiri.
The glowing blue spirits of Thomas and Martha Wayne took Bruce aside and, after confirming that they weren’t hallucinations, drug-induced or otherwise, told him that they were very proud of him and his crime-fighting.
“And you even married that nice Dent boy,” Martha said with a smile, patting Bruce on the shoulder.
“We love you so much, son,” Thomas said. “But also, seriously, you need to get over us being dead. It’s been decades.”
Thus all of Australia celebrated the crowning of Emperor Lex (“I’m serious, Lex. You’re going to jail for this.”), and they all lived happily ever after.
The One with the Chase Scene
When Bruce and Harvey took their wedding vows, Harvey assumed it would mean the end of any and all secrets between them. Married couples agree to love and cherish and trust each other, after all. Harvey had every intention of staying with his beau-until certain terrifying facts came to light, that is. One day Harvey found a small, leather-bound volume labeled with only the year in Bruce’s study. Like any person with more curiosity than sense, he decided to go snooping into the Dark Knight’s past. What he found disturbed him to no small degree.
November 3rd, 2008
Dear Bat-diary,
Tony was being a jerk and wouldn’t let me use Jarvis, so of course I had to persuade him. A vial of KCl usually does the trick, and sure enough, Tony was compliant in no time. People are so helpful when you threaten to kill them.
Harvey, frightened and excitable as a puppy, went to hide in the attic, emerging periodically only to stock up on snacks. He survived on nothing but goldfish crackers and grape juice for three weeks, during which Bruce got progressively more annoyed. Finally Leland stopped by for one of her bi-weekly refrigerator raids, and decided to look for Harvey herself. She found him in a matter of minutes, and he relayed the disturbing information he had gleaned that fateful night.
“Joan,” he said in a shaky voice, and handed her the weathered volume. “Turn to page 12. There’s something you should know.” Leland did had she was bade, eyes widening in horrified surprise.
Dear Bat-diary,
I think Alfred might be getting closer to the truth. I don’t want to hurt my faithful butler, but if he keeps asking questions, I may have no choice. I can’t afford for him to know my great secret. Alfred can’t find out that I killed my parents in a fit of petty rage and blamed the murders on a “mugger.” He can’t know that my crime-fighting antics have been nothing more than the elaboration of a bad lie-one I’ve been telling for almost 26 years now.
“I always knew there was something wrong with that rat-bastard,” Leland muttered angrily. She and Harvey fled Wayne Manor that very night, a naked chainsaw-wielding Bruce in hot pursuit.
“Consider this an annulment!” Harvey yelled upstairs as he slid down the banister. Leland rolled her eyes and threw open the front door, exposing them both to a torrent of rain. They made it to the car and returned to Arkham; Leland immediately called in the state troopers and explained the situation. A few hours later Bruce found himself wearing a tacky orange jumpsuit and confined to a maximum security cell. He escaped days later, and to this day no one quite knows what became of Gotham’s most infamous native son.
The One with the Tea Party
“Captain’s Log, Stardate2206.53: Luthor is constructing his Death Star as I speak, unaware that I am centuries ahead of him in technology. While he continues work on his primitive Star Wars-inspired space station, I fortify my planet with defenses he can never hope to emulate. We go to battle as soon as he is finished with his puny project, and it is clear to all that-”
“Bruce, will you cut that out? I told you that you’re not allowed to record your thoughts anymore. Remember last time, when Lex stole the tapes and took back Jupiter?” Harvey snatched the voice recorder from Bruce’s hand and deleted the log.
“If you weren’t Queen, I would have you executed right now,” Bruce said, although he didn’t really sound angry.
“I’m sure.”
Bruce looked down over the sprawling metropolis of Waynetopia from the large windows of his palace. When he had first colonized Neptune four years ago, it had consisted of very few people, but since then, there had been a mass migration from Earth, ruled by the dictator Tony Stark, who was nice most of the time, but flew into massive, drunk rages resulting in the dismemberment of thousands at a time. Of course, the climate of Neptune was at first difficult for people to get used to, but the addition of thick furs and excellent central heating systems made the adjustment easier. The heating was so good in Bruce’s palace that he often had to walk around in nothing at all, which reminded him much of his old home on Earth.
“Sir?”
“Yes, Alfred?”
“I don’t mean to interrupt your brooding, but Master Luthor is requesting entry onto Neptune.”
“Send Harvey with a message from me.”
“Very well, sir. Shall it be your customary greeting?”
“Of course.”
Harvey sighed, heading up to the bedroom to find his furs and preparing to stick his tongue out at Lex yet again. One of these days Lex was going to laser it off, he just knew it.
Lex’s eventual invasion of Neptune never panned out, as he and Bruce ended up resolving their differences over a tea party in the garden of Bruce’s palace. They decided they would team up to invade Mercury, which had been inexplicably taken over by Power Girl, whom they both despised.
The One with the Friendly Takeover
The thing about Harvey Dent-he never does anything without a reason.
Take his friendships, for example. Harvey has managed to ingratiate himself with two billionaires and three crime fighters, including the director of Arkham Asylum. He’s going to marry the richest man in Gotham City, and upon Wayne’s demise that title will almost certainly fall to him. He’s doing very well for himself, and the performance has been flawless. Seamless. He knows from his lunches with Luthor that Wayne is next in line to control LexCorp, should anything happen to its namesake.
Lex Luthor is criminally insane, recently committed to Arkham. Harvey knows this, and knows what it means: LexCorp is up for grabs. It doesn’t take much to persuade Bruce that the company would be so much better off in his hands-in Bruce’s. It’s a simple suit, and Harvey helpfully supplies Wayne’s attorneys with all the information necessary: proof of Luthor’s instability, his frequent attempts to murder Superman, his illegal operations within the company. Harvey provides them with a nice, tidy-and above all, airtight-argument. Bruce doesn’t know this. He only knows that Harvey smiles sweetly when he returns the afternoon of the trial, and congratulates him with a kiss.
It’s not that Harvey doesn’t love Bruce, because he does. But he also knows an opportunity when he sees one.
Harvey has infiltrated Arkham Asylum. It wasn’t difficult; he’s a regular visitor there, and established certain habits months ago that make his presence seem perfectly acceptable. But now he has people on the inside, Arkham employees who he’s charmed and palled around with. His closest ‘friend’ at the Asylum also happens to be the man in charge of security: a pallid, sweaty, nervous little man, someone who ordinarily wouldn’t have merited a glance. But he has access to everything, all of the computers and card systems and cells. It’s next to nothing to persuade him to switch the security cards, prisoner for doctor. The prisoners like the game enough to stay, are wildly entertained by the reversal. Even Dr. Leland gets her very own cell, the one that used to be Harvey’s. He watches passionlessly, hands clasped behind his back, while she struggles against two burly patients. When he has insured that all of the doctors are locked away, he calmly makes his way to Leland’s office, which will be his now.
“Wayne Manor, please,” he says into the receiver, pouring himself a scotch. The bottle was almost full, and Harvey has to admire her restraint. He clears his throat while the operator connects him, forcing his expression into one of fear and confusion. Bruce answers the phone, his voice gruff and businesslike.
“Oh, God, Bruce, you won’t believe what’s happened!” Harvey stammers in a voice a full octave higher.
“I need you to come to Arkham right away. Something’s wrong, and I think Joan’s in trouble. Please, Bruce. I-I don’t know what to do.”
Harvey hangs up before Wayne can respond, and sinks into the leather-padded office chair, resting his heels on the desk’s scratched wooden surface.
Bruce Wayne will shortly go missing. After a few grief-stricken months Harvey will grudgingly assume control of his boyfriend’s company, and by extension, Lex’s.
He’s almost disappointed by how easy it was.
The One with the Zombies
“Harvey, I’m going to kill you,” Leland said, and for the first time, she genuinely meant it. “And odds are, I’m going to eat you.”
“Now, guys,” Harvey said nervously, not letting go of the fire axe clenched in his hands, “this is not my fault. At least, not completely.”
“Oh, really?!” Lex snapped, already extremely cranky due to the fact that his scalp had been removed, leaving him even balder than before. “Because I’m pretty sure I specifically told you NOT TO PUSH THE GODDAMNED BUTTON MARKED ‘SELF-DESTRUCT’!”
“Maybe he just assumed you wouldn’t actually be stupid enough to have a self-destruct button,” Tony said, deeply perturbed at the fact that the hole in his esophagus prevented him from drinking. “Though I’m a little confused as to why he’s not dead like the rest of us.”
“The actual room with the self-destruct button is so reinforced and shielded that it could survive a direct hit from a nuclear bomb,” Lex said, considering which part of Harvey he should devour first. “The rest of my facility-”
“Your evil lair, you mean.”
“-was less fortunate.”
“I thought you told me my zombie sex curse wasn’t real!” Harvey protested, still not putting down the axe. “I didn’t mean to kill everyone!” He smiled hesitantly. “I’m glad you’re all back from the dead?”
But that didn’t do much to appease the undead horde of people who had slept with Harvey. It only made them hungrier.
“I’m going to eat your brain like delicious yogurt, Harvey,” Leland said, eyeing the burnt half of his face thoughtfully.
Jon, who had been quietly having an existential crisis over becoming a zombie, piped up to say, “I want his eyes!”
“Hey!” Bruce snapped, stepping in front of Harvey. “No one is eating anyone! This is a huge overre-” He narrowed his eyes and turned to ask, “We can still have sex, even though I’m dead, right?”
Harvey nodded.
“Then this is a huge overreaction!” Bruce said firmly. “I’m sure this can be reversed. Lex, don’t you have some kind of chemical to bring zombies back to life?”
“No. Why would I have that?”
“Then what good are you?”
“I really, really hope this can be fixed,” Superman said, staring his own skin. It was glowing in the sun. “Because I think I’m one of the vampires from Twilight.”
The moment of alarmed silence was broken by Crane, who had sensed other zombies in the city.
“Finally!” Crane said, grinning from ear to rotted ear. “Everyone else is undead!”
Leland’s eye twitched so hard that it nearly fell out. “Yes. I’m definitely eating you.”
The One with Matt Damon
[One year following their marriage ceremony, the relationship between Bruce Wayne and Harvey Dent sadly fell apart. While the divorce was otherwise amicable, there was some contention over each partner’s fidelity (Harvey’s). Harvey, in lieu of a simple phone call, compiled a video to explain himself. This is a transcript of that video.]
INTERIOR-WAYNE MANOR. HARVEY IS HOLDING A GUITAR HERO GUITAR AND PUSHING BUTTONS.
HARVEY: Hi, Bruce, it’s Harvey. So, your lawyers just called accusing me of not being faithful. I felt there was only one correct response, and Lex agreed with me.
LEX (offscreen): Hi, Bruce!
HARVEY: So, with the help of some friends and your bank account, I decided to give you a response that I hope is clear. (Cue ineffectual strumming; HARVEY breaks out into song with music playing in the background.) I’m fucking Joan Leland!
Camera pans over to JOAN LELAND, who looks resigned.
LELAND: He’s fucking Joan Leland.
HARVEY: I’m sorry but it’s true. I’m fucking Joan Leland.
LEX turns the camera around, looking incredibly smug.
LEX: He’s fucking Joan Leland.
HARVEY: I’m not imagining it’s you.
LELAND (casually): Nope.
HARVEY: I’m fucking Joan Leland!
LELAND: In your bed, near the door, in Arkham, on the floor.
HARVEY: In the cave, in the car, up against the mini-bar.
HARVEY: I’m fucking Joan Leland!
Cut to the entire Gotham Rogue’s Gallery, including the Joker, Harley Quinn, Hush, Ivy, Jon Crane, and Zombie Scarecrow.
VILLAINS: He’s fucking Joan Leland!
HARVEY: While you’re mourning your dead parents.
Cut to the entire Justice League, looking apologetic.
ENTIRE JUSTICE LEAGUE: He’s fucking Joan Leland.
SUPERMAN (as an aside): I’m so sorry, Lex threatened to blow up the moon if we didn’t do this.
LEX: Suck it, Wayne! (Harvey gives a thumbs up.)
HARVEY sings a gentle ballad.
HARVEY: Hey, Bruce, don’t take it bad. Remember all the good times we had. Like the time you got the flu, and I had to hold your hair back while you puked. Then I texted Leland and bothered her at work.
Cut to three minute segment of the Rogue’s Gallery doing nothing but dancing, Jon and Hush with big smiles on their faces.
JOKER: I would have never done this to you. I would have shown you the respect you deserved and just cut your face off. Call me!
HARVEY: I’m fucking Joan Leland!
LELAND: He’s fucking Joan Leland.
HARVEY: Just know that I ain’t lyin’.
HARVEY: I said I’m fucking Joan Leland. (Eagerly) This is Two-face, by the way.
LELAND: He’s fucking Joan Leland.
ALFRED (concerned): Master Wayne, please stop crying.
HARVEY (cheerfully): Remember that time you were texting me on stakeout while Leland took the night off? I was fucking Joan Leland!
LELAND (looking vaguely ashamed): Remember that time we were teleconferencing therapy? He was fucking Joan Leland.
HARVEY: Remember that time I drained your bank account producing a video telling you I was fucking Joan Leland? I was definitely fucking Joan Leland.
LELAND: In the tumbler, on the lawn, in the hot tub, dusk ‘til dawn.
HARVEY: In a cell, on the roof, when you were so aloof.
Massive chorus of celebrities, including Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Kevin Spacey, and the entire cast of Smallville.
CELEBRITIES: He’s fucking Joan Leland!
LEX (angry and confused): Wait, who the hell are those people? (Indicates the cast of Smallville.) HEY, WHO ARE YOU? WHY DO YOU LOOK JUST LIKE EVERYONE I USED TO KNOW?
The celebrities burst into glorious chorus.
EVERYONE: We’re fucking Joan Leland!
LELAND: Wait, what?
EVERYONE: We’re fucking Joan Leland!
Repeat chorus three times. Fade out to Harvey and Leland.
HARVEY: So I hope this cleared things up. We had a great run, Bruce, and I hope there’s no hard feelings. I hope we can be friends. I’m friends with all my old boyfriends, including ones that tried to kill me. If anything isn’t clear or you need closure of some kind, feel free to contact my lawyers.
LELAND: Um, just to clarify, the only reason a group of fifty people just sang that they were all fucking me is because it was part of the song. I’m not actually sleeping with everyone on set. Well, besides Harvey, obviously. And Two-Face. Oh, and your duplicate from the other dimension. He’s back.
OTHER BRUCE: Hi!
LELAND: Oh, and well, George Clooney, but I can’t be blamed for that. Matt Damon, too. And then most of those Smallville people.
LEX: WHO ARE YOU?!
LELAND: Oh, and Harley. And Wonder Woman, too, which was just fantastic. And the Green Arrow, but I was drunk so I’m not sure it counts. Huh, I guess I actually have slept with several of these people. Um. Anyway. He’s fucking Joan Leland.
[The video went on to win several Emmys, and was translated into 69 languages, which Harvey felt was only appropriate. Guest directors included Michael Bay, George Lucas, Peter Jackson, James Cameron, and Christopher Nolan. It was a huge commercial success, so Bruce more than recouped his losses, but it was indeed a bitter victory.]