It's a Mad World
Title: It's a Mad World
Author: badenoughforyou
Pairing: Jalex
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Alex feels as though he has nothing in the world. Nothing but his imaginary friend, Jack.
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone and the title cred goes to a song called Mad World by Gary Jules.
[A/N] So, I watched Donnie Darko tonight, my all time favorite movie and it inspired me to write this. This may be a bit weird for your taste and I hope the end ties it up and it makes sense. Overall, I really love how this turned out, so tell me what you think. I'll be getting back to my normal story ASAP! <3
"Wake up, Alex."
The figure of a slight boy rose to a sitting position in his bed, his eyes staring ahead, not seeing anything. He looked blank, as if he wasn't completely there. His lips were parted slightly, but he made not a sound as he swung his legs over the bedside and stepped down onto the cold floor beneath him. Despite the cold, he didn't shiver.
He walked down the stairs, not letting a single stair creak under him. He reached the door at the bottom and opened in unconsciously, turning the handle quietly. He stepped out onto the dewy grass, not taking any notice of the fact that it was pitch black outside and nearly four in the morning. He walked across the lawn, only in his pajama pants.
"Alex…" The voice came again. It was the voice the boy had learned to crave so much. It drew him in at every moment and he rarely found himself absorbed in anything other than that angelic voice.
"Where are you? I always hear you… but I can never see you." Alex said, almost on the verge of distress, but he was still basically asleep.
A boy around his age stepped out from behind a hedge, dressed in a black shirt and jeans. He was lanky with big brown eyes, but there was something about his smile that made Alex uneasy.
"Don't be afraid of me…" The other boy said calmly, his smile fading. He walked over to Alex and took his hand, holding it tightly. Alex could only feel a small pressure though. The mysterious boy wasn't actually there and he painfully knew that.
"Who are you?" Alex asked, desperately wanting to feel the touch of the raven haired boy.
"Jack." The boy said simply. "But, I'm just you." He added. Alex was confused. He felt the tingling on his hand getting duller and Jack started to fade. Alex felt helpless and tried to cry out, but no sound came from his lips. Jack gave him a weary smile and soon the boy was gone. Alex dropped to his knees, feeling the dampness leeching into the fabric covering his legs. He felt hot tears threatening to spill over and he choked on hope that the strange boy was real and that he would soon be back. But he didn't come back. Not that night. He fell forward, not even noticing the cold grass against his bare torso.
He just felt so alone.
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"Mr. Gaskarth. Please. This is the fifth time you've fallen asleep in my class this week." Mrs. Gates said peevishly, rapping her pencil against her desk.
"M'sorry…" Alex said groggily, forcing his eyes to stay open as they began to feel heavy as lead again. He hadn't gone back to sleep since the encounter the night before. In fact, he had laid on the lawn until morning when the sprinklers forced him to get up.
"Perhaps you'd like to take this up with the office." She said, writing him a pass. He could feel the judgement boring into his back as his classmates snickered. He knew what they thought of him. He was just that weird kid that took pills to fix his numerous problems.
He made his way down the hall slowly, pulling his hood closer to him, feeling a shiver run down his spine. He always felt cold. And tired. He found the office, but didn't open the door just yet. He was reaching for the knob when he heard his name being called softly.
"Alex…" He knew that voice all too well.
"What do you want?" Alex asked, gripping the door frame as if he was clutching to reality, but he knew it was no good. His mind had always worked however it wanted. He couldn't remember a time when he was free of these illusions and confusing dreams. He turned around to see Jack standing close, so close. He could almost feel the breath of the imaginary boy against his cheeks, but he knew that he couldn't breathe because he wasn't real.
"I missed you. You missed me." Jack said warmly. Alex felt his heart beating faster. Oh how he wished this was real. He wanted the other boy so bad it hurt. He wanted him more than he wanted to breathe, but sometimes that didn't mean much. He felt his heart twisting around in his chest, threatening to burst on him. Maybe that's what he wanted though.
"Stop… You're torturing me… Why are you doing this to me?" Alex asked, choking back tears. He never wanted to be weak, but that's what he was. He was just a scared little boy that had no friends. This was his way to try to fill the gaping hole in his heart, but he knew it could never replace real companionship. He only thought of what he truly wanted and somehow made it near reality. Jack was the result. In simple terms, Alex had an imaginary friend.
"I can't help it." Jack said brokenly, trying to move closer to Alex, but the other boy just backed away, not wanting to have to crave and wonder what a hug from the made up boy would feel like. He didn't want to think of his arms encircling him and making him feel whole again…
"Just go away! Just leave me alone!" Alex cried, sliding down the wall, shaking and crying into his hands. He felt himself yanked back into reality when he felt a strong hand on his shoulder.
"Alex! Are you okay?" He opened his eyes to see his dad kneeling in front of him, worry etched into every line of his round face. Alex leaned into his dad and shook his head, feeling the tears being soaked into his father's sweater.
"Your principal called me and said you were having some problems in class, so I came over…" His father said, explaining his unexpected appearance.
"Mom is going… g-going to be mad…" Alex cried.
"No… shhh… She's going to understand, Lex. She always does." Peter said, brushing his son's hair with his fingers and calming him more. Alex nodded as if he understood. He wasn't sure why he was saying these things. His mother was the most understanding person on the planet and would never blame him for anything because he was her baby and only son.
"Let's get you home, bud." Peter said, standing up and offering Alex a hand that he quickly took and pulled himself up.
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"I just think it would be worth a try…" Isobel Gaskarth said at the table that night at dinner. Alex's mouth was still hanging wide open.
"Dear, please… just consider it." She said, her eyes pleading as she pushed bits of steak around with her fork.
"You can't expect… me to be able to tell an absolute stranger about my problems! Fuck, mom, I don't even know what my own problems are!" Alex cried, outraged by the mere thought of therapy. He didn't want to feel that out of control. He just wanted to take his pills. They seemed to work well enough, right? Then why was he feeling so horrible.
"Maybe seeing a therapist can help you figure it out then." Peter said, aiding his wife whole heartedly. He was always on her side, without fail. And this made Alex feel more alone. Never had he had someone there to say 'yeah, Alex is right.'
"So that's how it'll be then, right? I get no say in my own mental health. You get to go gallivant about, not knowing a thing about what it's like to feel as if you're the only person in this world and no matter how hard you try to let others in, you end up pushing them away! Just like I'm doing right now and I don't know why I keep talking when every word makes me feel shittier and shittier." But that's not what Alex said.
"Okay." Was the simple word that followed his train of thought. He stood up, not having touched a bite on his plate. "I'll excuse myself then." He said and walked away silently. Before he even hit the stairs, he could hear his parents talking lowly, but he could hear them just fine. But the fact was, he didn't want to. He didn't want to hear about what a mess he truly was. He just wanted to sweep his problems under a mat and let them sit there, out of sight and out of mind, hoping they would some days simply wash away.
He flopped onto his bed and looked at the ceiling. He almost smiled at the small glow in the dark stars stuck onto the ceiling, looking down on him whimsically. He remembered putting them up one day with his mother. He jumped at the feeling of his bed dipping in slightly beside him.
"I'm sorry…" Jack said, appearing by the other boy's side, looking totally devastated. Alex wanted to pull him in and tell him he forgave him. Jack hadn't done anything.
"I'm sorry I freaked out…" Alex whispered. He knew that if his parents heard him talking to himself, they wouldn't hesitate in getting him therapy, although he doubted he would get out of this one.
"It's understandable." Jack said softly, laying his forehead onto Alex's. Again, Alex could feel that familiar tingle of contact, but he felt no skin on his. He gritted his teeth in frustration. Jack pressed his imaginary lips to Alex's cheek. And then to the corner of his mouth.
"I can't do this anymore…" Alex said, practically leaping out of his bed, leaving the dark haired boy looking stunned. "You wouldn't understand it, Jack! You couldn't possibly understand. I'm so alone and all I want right now is you, but I can't because you're just some sick figment of my imagination that I've created to fill this fucking hole in my heart…" He said, trying to keep his voice low so his parents wouldn't hear. Jack looked as if his heart was ripped in two.
"Please, don't say that…" He said, his lip trembling, his eyes wide.
"Just go…" Alex said, closing his eyes and feeling his emotions swirling around.
"No, Alex, please. You don't under-" Jack started but was cut off.
"Get the fuck out of my head!" Alex cried, and with that, the boy was gone.
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It was Alex's first day of therapy. He felt his eyes trying to close on him again as he waited for his therapist in the small room. It was quite cozy, actually. A large blue couch dominated the small room, accompanied by a cushiony tan chair opposite of that. The walls were a soft cream color and the carpet was plush. Soft acoustic renditions of songs he recognized filled the room subtly. He wasn't expecting this, if he had to be honest.
A young man, probably mid twenties, walked into the room, shutting the door behind him quietly. He wasn't what Alex expected therapists to look like either. He was about average height with medium brown hair, dressed in a pair of slacks and a blue button down with thick black rimmed glasses.
"Hello, Alex. I'm Dr. Houghton." The man said warmly, sitting down in the tan chair across from him.
It didn't take long for the two to get talking. Alex never expected he'd be comfortable with this, but he felt suddenly relieved. Someone could understand what he was trying to say instead of pitying him. Someone could give him answers to all these things.
"I have a friend… I mean, I know he's not real, but he feels so… there. I feel like I could just touch him." Alex said, slightly shuddering at the thought of feeling Jack's skin on his. Dr, Houghton scribbled down a few notes and nodded. "Is that normal?" Alex asked, biting his lip.
"I wouldn't say normal, but it's not a bad thing." Dr. Houghton said, smiling back at him, but something in his eyes made Alex uneasy, as if he knew something he didn't know. He suddenly felt his walls going back up.
"His name is Jack…" Alex said, wondering if that would ring any bells in the man's head. He got his reaction. He tried to hide it, but his eyes grew wide and he looked down at his paper. "Why so surprised?" He asked, feeling his heart racing.
"It looks as if our session here is done." Dr. Houghton said quickly, looking at his watch.
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Alex had debated whether he'd go back or not after that experience. He decided against it. It was all too weird for his liking. Much too mysterious.
He sat in the lawn at nearly three in the morning, unable to sleep as usual. He looked at the moon, wondering. Something so big in the sky and so far away from everything else must be lonely. It must be a lonely existence to be so disconnected from the world. But wasn't that what he was? He shook the thoughts from his head and looked back to the ground.
"Alex, please let me in. I know you're in there…" He heard Jack, but the voice was faint and not crystal clear like usual. He tried to imagine the boy sitting in front of him, just as he had done so many times before, but he continued to stare at nothingness.
"Jack, I wish I could hold you… Do you know what it's like to want something this bad?" He asked nobody, pulling his knees to his chest and trying not to cry. He was done with that, but his emotions disagreed.
"Yes… I do." Jack said, sounding closer. Alex sucked in air and tried not to cry harder as he felt the boy's presence grow stronger.
"But you're not real. You're just me… you even said that." Alex said, feeling hot tears sliding down his cheek.
"I am you, but I'm not just in your head, Alex… Please, believe me." Jack pleaded. Alex could feel the residual touch of Jack's hand on his chest, right where his heart lied. Alex would usually try to block it out and push him away yet again, but he felt something this time, something stronger than he'd ever felt before.
"Alex, please…" He could hear Jack crying as if the boy was sitting right in front of him. He felt awful. How could he make the beautiful Jack cry? His only friend.
"I'm sorry…" Alex said, feeling himself start to tumble into darkness yet again. "Jack, I n-need you. I need you here with me… Not just in my head." Alex cried even harder. He could feel Jack's hand more now, but this was different. He could feel skin. He could feel the lines of the boy's hand on his chest. The fingertips. Absolutely everything.
"Can you feel me?" Jack asked, sounding hopeful.
"I-I… How?" Alex asked, shivering at the feeling of Jack's hand. He knew it was supposed to be there. A feeling so familiar washed over him. He felt Jack's lips on his. He could taste him and he knew he recognized it. He knew he had felt those lips melding into his before.
"Yes, that's right… Yes…" Jack said, excitement bubbling up in his voice, his lips still on Alex's. Alex finally opened his eyes, not realizing they were shut before and saw Jack right there, in the flesh, sitting across from him, right where he felt him.
"J-Jack…" Alex breathed, feeling his heart beating a million miles an hour.
"Do you remember me, Lex?" Jack asked, laughter and tears evident in his voice. It sounded as if he was relieved.
Alex hadn't even realized they were now in his bed and that it was only about eight at night.
"How could I ever forget my dear Jack?" Alex asked quickly, clutching to the other boy, never wanting to lose him again.
"What happened to me?" He asked suddenly. The million dollar question.
"You don't remember anything… about the accident?" Jack asked, biting his lip. Alex shook his head, hugging the boy closer.
"You were kind of in a coma… but not. You see… you made your own little world. You haven't been able to distinguish real from imaginary… like me." Jack said, his voice shaking a bit near the end. "A car accident can do that to you, I guess. But it's not a common thing. You were supposed to die, actually…" Jack choked out.
Alex didn't know what to say. Was this why he felt so alone? He was isolated from the rest of the world and he never knew it.
"Why didn't somebody tell me?" He asked suddenly, feeling his stomach churning.
"You were supposed to figure out on your own." Jack said, looking bitter, as if that was the biggest load of bullshit he'd ever had the displeasure of hearing. Alex's mouth went dry. That explained the therapist's behavior.
"Apparently yanking you back into reality would cause a bad reaction…" Jack said and stopped, letting out a shaky breath. "But I couldn't stand to see you like you were…" He said softly.
"Do my parents know?" Alex asked, running a hand along Jack's neck softly.
"Alex…" Jack started. "It's been three years, actually, since the accident. I've been trying since then." Jack said, feeling his throat tightening. Alex felt his heart break.
"Why?" Alex asked. Of all the bloody things in the world he could have asked, he asked 'why'.
"Why do you think?" Jack asked, his voice shaking. Alex didn't have an answer for it. Fuck, he couldn't remember anything.
"Because I… I love you." Jack said, biting down on his lip and closing his eyes.
"Was I your…" Alex started, trying to remember.
"Boyfriend? No. In fact, you were my best friend. I never thought I liked you like that… Not until that accident." Jack said, pouring his heart out to the older boy, hoping he wouldn't relapse and try to push him away like he'd done so many times. This wasn't the first time Jack had gotten to him.
"I love you." Alex said, practically gasping it. He felt the tears coming again. He couldn't imagine why Jack would love him. He was stupid, defective Alex.
"You don't have to say it because I did." Jack said, lips trembling. Alex shook his head.
"I do, though. I love you, Jack. You were the only person I had, even though I thought you weren't… real." Alex said, feeling relief at every word. All that aching and desire wasn't all for nothing.
"But what if I… lose it again?" Alex asked, feeling choked up once again. He wasn't sure he could live through that again.
"I'll stay here. I'm not going anywhere. You are my only one." Jack said simply and kissed him again, sealing the deal, making the boy realize that even if he went nuts, Jack was there and always would be.