alright...
hello again
right now i am feeling very out of the loop. like i dont kno. me and josh are no long and were never me and josh. and i feel like we were. and so duz he. but he is annoying and a backstabber. why dont i listen to people? like ember for instance... y... she is always so right and i am always so wrong. she has like and eigth sense on when someones gonna hurt me or not.
y don't i have that sense? i need don't i? like... shes not always gonna be there to tell me if im gonna get hurt by him or not. why dont i have it. crap.... i wish i had it. shes not gonna be next to me my whole life. aand i should have known anyways he was gonna do that. thats me.. ya kno... always falling in the wrong direction for the wrong guy. i wish i was smarter... or i wish i fell for better guys..
i talked to my lover from another mother yesterday... or the day b4. she was over at jennies... and i talked to jennie too. shes doing good i guess. i love her.... my lover. i miss her dearly. when ever i see something i just wanna... idk share it with her. like hey ... remember the time when>.... but hey... she isnt there to tell it too. i really.. really..really... hope she;ll be here the day after christmas... along with my other super lover. i miss her too... i think i think over her also just as much mayb even more. i watch our home movie video things alot. and idk.. i feel out of the loop. in utah and ma. idk wat to do.. cuz in UT ppl r.. idk clicky... and in MA... well im not there. so that makes it a little bit difficult.
today i got surgery on my mouth.. ya kno that space in-between my teeth.,... it should go away now.. they went in and took the muscle away... all of it accually. if i get punched in my front lip from now on most likley it will immidietly start bleeding cuz i have no muscle left. no-body knew i had surgery todya... ember felt bad she didnt kno. idk y.
i called brei... we may see elizabeth town, aand im kinda bummed... jst cuz well i dont have a boy nemore... and well i love to share those kinda movie moments with them. but i gues si cant. last week i watched the notebook like 8 times, and i bawled everytime. it reminded me of my lover who bought me it... i mentioned her b4. idk... i had so much joy with her... so much i could just ... idk forget everyone and everything around me because she was just so much fun... we laughed about everything and i dont remember a single 7 min wen we wernt laughing. i dont even remember fighting with her.. that... well that was out of the subject. im like bawling my eyes out right now thinkin about her. i wish i had someone like her here... but i really don't. i hate crying. but i need to do it. i always keep everything in... and well that i guess isnt good. but when it comes to her... and thinking im never ever most likley gonna see her again... i have to cry... i have to bawl my eyes out and just think.. wow we were really great. never ever has she done nething to make me mad at her. she never has written ne nasty to me.... never sed nething. but she did speak her mind... which ive grown to love. lol. she never shut up... but she never was annoying. idk im confusing. i always knew... wen she was mad at me.. or annoyed in the most. she would tell me if i was being annoying.. or stupid.. or funny. she would let me know. which i think i love msot about her.... besides the fact we can laugh about almost nething or talk about almost nething.
i have another friend... she sent me pictures by email yesterday... and i think she is such a cutie... i couldnt open the last pic... but i really wish i oculd my computer is a gay fag and wont let me open it... but it was titled- I LOVE YOU so i thought if i did open it ,... it would of been good....
im really tired and idk .... i think im gonna go try and see what i can eat....
i love you all. i dont know why i wouldnt. i dont really hate ne1 rite now... no1....
which is really really good.
amber