Thinking is bad.
If this is my JOURNAL than why do I feel like I can't put anything in it? Do you know how many times I have written an entry and deleted it now? I don't even know how many times I've done that... more than I can count!
So you know what? Let's sum it up into a short little thing. That way, it's like I didn't even post at all, because you'll just skip over this any way, won't you?
That's why I can't write in here. Because I'm always so damn worried about what all of you will think when you find out that NO, I am not fucking okay right now, and it takes everything I have to keep myself from tearing my room to pieces just to get out some of this anger. NO, I don't feel like picking up the phone and calling anyone to distract myself from all of this fucking pain that I'm feeling this week, because you won't know how to respond anyway, and that'll just make it WORSE. And NO, I do not want to go running, because I have this mad urge to just RUN AWAY.
Dear JOURNAL,
I am not fucking OKAY- I have this sinking feeling that even if I have a few months of happiness I will NEVER be okay- and I don't know how to change it. No amount of therapy, friends, mindfullness techniques, or anything will fix it. And sometimes, even if it's the worst thing I could probably think, I just want to go back to the days with Todd and keep my damn mouth shut. Not because I liked it (oh FUCK no), but because it would be so much easier- sure, it would kill me, but at least then I wouldn't have to deal with the WHOLE FAMILY coming down on me... just him. Maybe if I had gotten pregnant they wouldn't have been able to ignore it.
But hey. I guess it's OKAY to feel this way, because at least now I'm not trying to kill myself, right?
-Lex
I think this is the point where I say I am disabling the comments. Hell, I'm disabling this entire post.
Why is it that I can't just find happiness? Not the temporary kind- but the real kind. I look around me and all I'm seeing lately are smiles and sunshine and things like that. I want that. No, this is not spurred on my last week... because in all honesty, last week was amazing for me. Sure, it was awkward at some points and things didn't go according to plan... but what plan ever really works?
Sometimes I want to go back to Laurelwood. Not because of suicidal thinking, but because I felt safe there. I felt like I was being heard. I felt like I fit in. That's a scary thing to think about a mental institution. I still talk to all of those people and they're doing wonderful- so what's wrong with me? I was there for ten days, and sure... I fixed the problem I was sent there to fix... but what the hell? Now I have all of these other problems? DOESN'T IT EVER END?!?!
I kind of wish that I never met half of the people that I have. I like having friends and stuff, don't get me wrong... but being a loner was just so much easier. I never had to worry about who was going to read my journal and judge me for what was in it. I never had to worry about upsetting other people. I never had to worry about anything... just myself. And that's extremely selfish, but I can't help that that's in my head.
I'm about 5 seconds from making this a private entry...
But why don't I? Am I trying to get attention? Am I doing some sort of passive-aggressive shit like my counselor says? Why do I want this to be in my journal? No one else posts things like this. Just me. There really must be something wrong with me.
I'm leaving this alone now. I have other things to do, and all of this writing is just making me angrier.
... so it started off as small and got big, just like everything. The main point of this was no, I'm not okay... and right now I am very hurt and I feel very insecure and alone again. And that was all I really wanted to say.
So you know what? Let's sum it up into a short little thing. That way, it's like I didn't even post at all, because you'll just skip over this any way, won't you?
That's why I can't write in here. Because I'm always so damn worried about what all of you will think when you find out that NO, I am not fucking okay right now, and it takes everything I have to keep myself from tearing my room to pieces just to get out some of this anger. NO, I don't feel like picking up the phone and calling anyone to distract myself from all of this fucking pain that I'm feeling this week, because you won't know how to respond anyway, and that'll just make it WORSE. And NO, I do not want to go running, because I have this mad urge to just RUN AWAY.
Dear JOURNAL,
I am not fucking OKAY- I have this sinking feeling that even if I have a few months of happiness I will NEVER be okay- and I don't know how to change it. No amount of therapy, friends, mindfullness techniques, or anything will fix it. And sometimes, even if it's the worst thing I could probably think, I just want to go back to the days with Todd and keep my damn mouth shut. Not because I liked it (oh FUCK no), but because it would be so much easier- sure, it would kill me, but at least then I wouldn't have to deal with the WHOLE FAMILY coming down on me... just him. Maybe if I had gotten pregnant they wouldn't have been able to ignore it.
But hey. I guess it's OKAY to feel this way, because at least now I'm not trying to kill myself, right?
-Lex
I think this is the point where I say I am disabling the comments. Hell, I'm disabling this entire post.
Why is it that I can't just find happiness? Not the temporary kind- but the real kind. I look around me and all I'm seeing lately are smiles and sunshine and things like that. I want that. No, this is not spurred on my last week... because in all honesty, last week was amazing for me. Sure, it was awkward at some points and things didn't go according to plan... but what plan ever really works?
Sometimes I want to go back to Laurelwood. Not because of suicidal thinking, but because I felt safe there. I felt like I was being heard. I felt like I fit in. That's a scary thing to think about a mental institution. I still talk to all of those people and they're doing wonderful- so what's wrong with me? I was there for ten days, and sure... I fixed the problem I was sent there to fix... but what the hell? Now I have all of these other problems? DOESN'T IT EVER END?!?!
I kind of wish that I never met half of the people that I have. I like having friends and stuff, don't get me wrong... but being a loner was just so much easier. I never had to worry about who was going to read my journal and judge me for what was in it. I never had to worry about upsetting other people. I never had to worry about anything... just myself. And that's extremely selfish, but I can't help that that's in my head.
I'm about 5 seconds from making this a private entry...
But why don't I? Am I trying to get attention? Am I doing some sort of passive-aggressive shit like my counselor says? Why do I want this to be in my journal? No one else posts things like this. Just me. There really must be something wrong with me.
I'm leaving this alone now. I have other things to do, and all of this writing is just making me angrier.
... so it started off as small and got big, just like everything. The main point of this was no, I'm not okay... and right now I am very hurt and I feel very insecure and alone again. And that was all I really wanted to say.