2; Time to stop complaining and do something...
So, today I had a lot of time to think and read and listen to music and such. It was actually quite nice... I got 'the perks of being a wallflower' at noon, and by four I was finished with it and diving into it again to find some of my favorite quotes. That books definitely got me thinking about life, love, living, learning... it was amazing how funny I found that book as well as how insightful I found it. It was so cute- Charlie was very much like me in a lot of ways, which made it so that I was unable to take my eyes from the pages :)
Because of that book I thought a lot about Todd and the past few years and how I haven't actually been 'participating' in my own life. I've just been kind of zoning out and doing whatever whenever because it's there in front of me. And then I go and wonder why I'm so unhappy? Haha. Thanks, Charlie. I get it now.
The last entry was very icky. I shouldn't stop trusting, but I should be more careful with who I trust. I don't tell everyone everything right away- actually, it takes me forever to actually say anything unless for some strange reason I get really attached to that person right away (*cough*cai,amanda,sammi,nick*cough*). But it doesn't matter. At least I tried, right? And a lot of those times have turned out good. I just chose to cling to the bad moments and wallow in them, and that isn't going to get me anywhere in life, now is it?
Here's something that got me thinking from that book:
"It's like if I blamed my aunt Helen. I would have to blame her dad for hitting her and the friend of the family that fooled around with her when she was little. And the person that fooled around with him. And God for not stopping all this and things that are much worse. And I did do that for a while, but then I just couldn't anymore. Because it wasn't going anywhere. Because it wasn't the point." - pg.211
He's very right. Blaming Todd for everything that happened in my life that went wrong isn't going to get me anywhere. Sure, it is a big part of why things are the way they are, but I need to learn to let it go and move on or I'm going to be in the same place five years from now, wondering where I went wrong and wondering why I'm so unhappy. I need to talk to Kathleen. I need to be honest with her. And if worse comes to worse and I wind up locked up in Laurelwood again, then I'll make the most of it and be completely open and honest with the doctors and nurses there this time. Because if I can't be honest and open there, when will I ever be?
Sometimes I sit and wonder what happened to Todd to make him the way he was. He had been like this since he was a little boy. I know this because he did things to my mother and her friends when he was just a young boy turning into a man. My mother of course tried to tell me for a long time not to tell my father about it- but I finally got her to tell him, because I told her that pretending that shit doesn't happen doesn't get us anywhere either, and she's not being a good role model to me and my brother by lying about everything all the time.
There has to be a reason that God chose for this to happen to me. For God to chose for my mother to do drugs instead of raise my brother and me. For my father never being around. For my adoptive dad to have forgotten my birthday, and for him to be such an ass sometimes. Maybe all of this is supposed to make me a stronger person? Maybe all of this is to make me the person I'm going to be one day? Maybe I'll be someone that people in the same situations as I have been in can look up to for help and guidance? Sammi says there's a reason for everything, but the hard part is figuring out what the reason is and learning what to do once you've found that reason.
I'm thinking that I should go to church more. Stop partying when the chance comes up. Stop sleeping around. It's not getting me anywhere good. Doing all of this just allows for people to take advantage of me- actually, I'm ALLOWING them to take advantage of me. I promised myself I would never do that after I let Todd do what he did to me for so long. And here I am, almost- what?- three years later, and I'm still letting these things happen to me. And then I'm complaining about them! Hah, funny. I suppose I really am a drama whore. I guess that comes with being a writer ;)
I've got to stop complaining about everything and change it. Sure, I'll still go to a party or two if I want, but I won't get completely trashed like I have in the past two months. I'll learn where to draw the line. I'll learn not to drown out the pain I'm feeling, but tackle it head-on before it gets worse. It's going to be hard, but I know I can do it, and I know I'll be a better person years from now when this is all behind me and I'm living the life I always dreamed I would be able to live.
Yeah :)
Because of that book I thought a lot about Todd and the past few years and how I haven't actually been 'participating' in my own life. I've just been kind of zoning out and doing whatever whenever because it's there in front of me. And then I go and wonder why I'm so unhappy? Haha. Thanks, Charlie. I get it now.
The last entry was very icky. I shouldn't stop trusting, but I should be more careful with who I trust. I don't tell everyone everything right away- actually, it takes me forever to actually say anything unless for some strange reason I get really attached to that person right away (*cough*cai,amanda,sammi,nick*cough*). But it doesn't matter. At least I tried, right? And a lot of those times have turned out good. I just chose to cling to the bad moments and wallow in them, and that isn't going to get me anywhere in life, now is it?
Here's something that got me thinking from that book:
"It's like if I blamed my aunt Helen. I would have to blame her dad for hitting her and the friend of the family that fooled around with her when she was little. And the person that fooled around with him. And God for not stopping all this and things that are much worse. And I did do that for a while, but then I just couldn't anymore. Because it wasn't going anywhere. Because it wasn't the point." - pg.211
He's very right. Blaming Todd for everything that happened in my life that went wrong isn't going to get me anywhere. Sure, it is a big part of why things are the way they are, but I need to learn to let it go and move on or I'm going to be in the same place five years from now, wondering where I went wrong and wondering why I'm so unhappy. I need to talk to Kathleen. I need to be honest with her. And if worse comes to worse and I wind up locked up in Laurelwood again, then I'll make the most of it and be completely open and honest with the doctors and nurses there this time. Because if I can't be honest and open there, when will I ever be?
Sometimes I sit and wonder what happened to Todd to make him the way he was. He had been like this since he was a little boy. I know this because he did things to my mother and her friends when he was just a young boy turning into a man. My mother of course tried to tell me for a long time not to tell my father about it- but I finally got her to tell him, because I told her that pretending that shit doesn't happen doesn't get us anywhere either, and she's not being a good role model to me and my brother by lying about everything all the time.
There has to be a reason that God chose for this to happen to me. For God to chose for my mother to do drugs instead of raise my brother and me. For my father never being around. For my adoptive dad to have forgotten my birthday, and for him to be such an ass sometimes. Maybe all of this is supposed to make me a stronger person? Maybe all of this is to make me the person I'm going to be one day? Maybe I'll be someone that people in the same situations as I have been in can look up to for help and guidance? Sammi says there's a reason for everything, but the hard part is figuring out what the reason is and learning what to do once you've found that reason.
I'm thinking that I should go to church more. Stop partying when the chance comes up. Stop sleeping around. It's not getting me anywhere good. Doing all of this just allows for people to take advantage of me- actually, I'm ALLOWING them to take advantage of me. I promised myself I would never do that after I let Todd do what he did to me for so long. And here I am, almost- what?- three years later, and I'm still letting these things happen to me. And then I'm complaining about them! Hah, funny. I suppose I really am a drama whore. I guess that comes with being a writer ;)
I've got to stop complaining about everything and change it. Sure, I'll still go to a party or two if I want, but I won't get completely trashed like I have in the past two months. I'll learn where to draw the line. I'll learn not to drown out the pain I'm feeling, but tackle it head-on before it gets worse. It's going to be hard, but I know I can do it, and I know I'll be a better person years from now when this is all behind me and I'm living the life I always dreamed I would be able to live.
Yeah :)