(no subject)
I stopped writing him for 6 months. I've stopped for longer. I wanted to go see him this spring break. A "He said, She said". Does he deserve my harsh words?
Dear Sara,
Hey kid, how's it going? Alright here. I just got home from my parents house. Some of my family was over there, so I stopped by. My old man told me that "Sara" was trying to get a hold of me. I asked him "Sara? Sara who?" He said he didn't know. But after I came home I finally found the key to my mailbox, and when I opened it, there were 5 letters in there from you. I read them all. Don't know if I read them in the order that you wrote th em, but I did read them all. Oh, thanx for the Christmas card. And after reading them here's what I need to say to you:
SLOW THE FUCK DOWN GIRL! Calm down kid, you're 17 years old for christ's sake. Ya know, yeah, I like you Sara, I care for you in such a way that I've never cared for anyone else. But it sounds to me like your car is stuck in the muc and you haven't been doing anything but spinning your wheels. Stop, get out of the car, put some sand in front of your wheels, get back in the car, put it in 2nd gear, or maybe even 1st, and pull out slowly. Get me? Does that make sense or am I misconsturing something? I don't know Sara. You seem like the same girl I met at church camp 2 and a half year ago, only most lost. In front of me I am looking at all of the pictures that I have of you. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I love the way that you looked at 132 lbs. You were an absolute bombshell back then. I just like healthy, curvy girls is all. I'm not really into think girls. And if you like being thin, then stay that way, you know. You have to love yourself is all. And when I see think girls all of the time it kinda worries me. I mean if that's the way her body is naturally, then fine, but some girls think that all guys like skinny chicks, and it's just not true. A lot of guys like healthy girls. Some guys like big girls. Some like them short. Some like them tall. Some of these goofballs want "legs up to the skies". Some guys won't date a girl unless she's at least 75 lbs. overweight. Ya see where I'm going with this? As long as she has a pretty face and a nice personality, one of us will be more than happy to service it, kind of change the oil from time to time if you catch my drift. I mean, I just found you to be more attractive in your younger years is all. But there's something else that's bothering me:
Your eyes. It could just be the pictures themselves, but I used to see a fire inside of them that seems to be fading away, ya know what I'm saying? Like you're tired or something. And why did you hack your hair off? You had some of the most beautiful hair I've ever seen. Either get a mohawk or let it grow out. But then again, that's just me. But there is one thing that is bothering me more than anything:
I'm no psychologist, but I still feel that you are emotionally unstable. You've been looking for seomthing in guys that you're never going to find. I think you know what that one thing is: The love of a father. It's something that you don't have and the lack thereof is eating away at you. And you might resent the asshole and you might even resent me for writing this, but something deep inside of you is yearning for that relationship. Yeah, ok, life can be frustrating at times and I don't know what it's like to be a girl, but I have figured this much out in life: Girls need to know that Daddy loves them, or else they end up fucked up in the head and they fuck every guy in town, never feel better about themselves, and never know why. With that in mind, let me explain something to you: Guys are stupid and clueless. We really are Sara. We don't always realize what's going on around us. We don't necessarily know what to do and how to go about doing it. And sometimes it helps if it is explained to us in dumb people language. See where I'm going with this? You're all inside out and upside down emotionally. Maybe you could try explaining to your old man that he needs to be involved in his little girl's life. I dont' have all of the answers to all of life's questions, but I can tell you this: You are a car crash waiting to happen. And I don't want my dream girl to be forever confused. I miss you and I love you, but I feel like a piece of trash to you. I'm sick of being your teddy bear. The only time I hear from you is when you break up with your boyfriend. That's it. I'm your sure thing that you can always come running to. And that's all I am to you. This emotional ping-pong shit has got to come to an end. You need to get yourself together. And maybe then I might want to see you. I'm not trying to be a prick, but I just can't help myself sometimes. I'll be straight with you Sara, this will be the last letter that you're going to get from me for a while. You're just too much for me. Either find yourself a new teddybear or get your life together. But I'm not going to want to hear from you in a while.
-James
p.s. It's tough love kid, get used to it.
My Reply First off, thanks for nothing.
Now after reading your bullshit of a "letter", this is what I have to say to you:
I love the way I looked at 132 lbs also, in case you missed that in my previous letters. I'm trying to gain my fucking weight back, I don't give a flying fuck about being "skinny". I don't like weighing this little, so why don't you try getting your fucking facts straight before you go spouting your shit, alright? Thanks.
I'm sorry my eyes don't meet your approval anymore. I am tired James, tired of all the bullshit I get put through every God damn day. Maybe it's just me hardening, getting a fucking backbone. Maybe I'm tired of being walked on, so I'm doing something about it. I am SO sorry that it's showing. That must mean it working. Maybe other people see that, and will stop fucking with me.
I cut my hair off because i wanted a change. I'm not going to be fucking 14 forever. I'm NOT the same girl you knew. 3 years is a lot of time for a lot of shit to happen.
Look, if I wanted your fucking psychoanalysis, I'd ask. But I don't, so I didn't. I have a therepist for that, because, whether you give a fuck or not, I AM getting my life together.
Another thing, fuck your theories. I did talk to my dad, thanks. I told him how I felt, he said things would change. Is it my fault he can't keep his word? No. So quit fucking blaming me, alright?
And yes, guys ARE stupid and clueless, but don't worry James, none are as pompous, arrogant, and asinine as you. You'll always have that going for you.
Look, I kept writing you after me and Andrew got together. I don't need a fucking "Teddy Bear", and James, I don't need you. I enjoy your letters (except this latest shit) and phone calls most of the time, but my life won't end if you're not there. I just wanted to include you in my life James. I'm sorry.
James, my life is more together than you think, but in any case, you're not me, alright? You dont' know what I'm feeling, thinking. So when *I* decide I'm a "car crash waiting to happen" (Loved that by the way, oh, wait, no, that's just me being facetious), then I'll let you know. Until then, don't pretend you know how I feel, because you don't.
Just to let you know James, you are an asshole. Thank you for being just another guy, and hurting me without thinking twice.
Sorry I'll never be good enough for you, because unlike you, I'd take you just how you are.
Don't worry, you won't be hearing from me for a while. This is my last letter. So, good-bye James, and thank you for showing me that even though I thought you were different, that no guy is worth my tears or time.
- Sara