Small anxiety attack
So I'm applying to do a semester abroad at the University of Mannheim. It's very exciting and I'm incredibly hopeful that I am accepted into the program. However, last night when I was really thinking about going abroad for 6 months I realized that John might not be here when I get back. Or if he was, he'd only be around for a few weeks. You see, John doesn't want to be an attorney anymore and is studying for the GRE so that he can get his Ph.D. in Ancient Philosophy. I'm very supportive of this. I feel that happiness is more important than anything and that if he is unhappy being a lawyer, then he should do what he feels will make him happy. He's young! I mean, he's only 27.
Although, when I started thinking about how I'd be gone for 6 months and how when I retuned John would probably be moving his things and selling the condo, I started to feel anxious. I asked him if he'd be here when I got back and he said, "Yeah, I'm sure. For a little while at least."
I'm going to Mannheim if I am accepted. It is an amazing opportunity and I will NOT turn it down. But I'm still torn.
I want John to go get his Ph.D. because that is what he feels will make him happy. I will never ask him to stay only because I'd miss him, I'm not that selfish. I support him because this is his dream and I want him to achieve it. I just feel a little abandoned. He's not doing that in any way! I know that! I mean, I'd be gone for 6 months so I guess I'm not really one to talk. It was just, last night, when I was really thinking about it, I had a small anxiety attack.
I will come back and live here again once my 6 month period in Germany is up. John won't come back. I will have to go where he is. He will be gone from Miami (if he decides not to go to UM which is quite likely as they don't have the program he really wants) and isn't looking to return. I will not ask him to stay because he would not be happy and I wouldn't want him to be with me only to be unhappy. I will miss him but next fall I'm just going to have to accept that John will probably be gone for a few years and it'll be up to me to join him at the same grad school in a few years. I just...Don't want to accept it.
I love him so much and we're not talking about breaking up. Just the opposite - staying together in a long-distance relationship. He said to me, "I'm very devoted to you so don't worry. It'll work out." It's just scary. I told him I doubted he'd come to Mannheim to visit me. Before I could finish the sentence he said, "I'll visit you." I asked him how, especially since he's looking for a new job, would he get the time off. He told me it didn't matter and he would do it.
That made me feel better but I'm still scared.
I'll finish this thought later. It's time for me to leave for the beach cleanup.
Although, when I started thinking about how I'd be gone for 6 months and how when I retuned John would probably be moving his things and selling the condo, I started to feel anxious. I asked him if he'd be here when I got back and he said, "Yeah, I'm sure. For a little while at least."
I'm going to Mannheim if I am accepted. It is an amazing opportunity and I will NOT turn it down. But I'm still torn.
I want John to go get his Ph.D. because that is what he feels will make him happy. I will never ask him to stay only because I'd miss him, I'm not that selfish. I support him because this is his dream and I want him to achieve it. I just feel a little abandoned. He's not doing that in any way! I know that! I mean, I'd be gone for 6 months so I guess I'm not really one to talk. It was just, last night, when I was really thinking about it, I had a small anxiety attack.
I will come back and live here again once my 6 month period in Germany is up. John won't come back. I will have to go where he is. He will be gone from Miami (if he decides not to go to UM which is quite likely as they don't have the program he really wants) and isn't looking to return. I will not ask him to stay because he would not be happy and I wouldn't want him to be with me only to be unhappy. I will miss him but next fall I'm just going to have to accept that John will probably be gone for a few years and it'll be up to me to join him at the same grad school in a few years. I just...Don't want to accept it.
I love him so much and we're not talking about breaking up. Just the opposite - staying together in a long-distance relationship. He said to me, "I'm very devoted to you so don't worry. It'll work out." It's just scary. I told him I doubted he'd come to Mannheim to visit me. Before I could finish the sentence he said, "I'll visit you." I asked him how, especially since he's looking for a new job, would he get the time off. He told me it didn't matter and he would do it.
That made me feel better but I'm still scared.
I'll finish this thought later. It's time for me to leave for the beach cleanup.