(no subject)
So, it's been four months since my "birthday" post.
You know what that means! Time for mad ravings!
So, with graduation came a very interesting feeling. One that combined accomplishment with loss, learning with ignorance, the ability and opportunity to move on with the desire to stay at a place where I know all the good places to eat, all the good drinking holes, and where I have friends who help me be better.
My position was a little weirder, though, simply because I had to come back in a few weeks to work for GSP as their tech bitch. Anyone who has talked to me in the past two months knows how that went; for the rest, the simple phrase "Geeeeeeeze. Glad it's over" should suffice.
(I kind of wonder why I post, when almost everything I post has probably already been mentioned to the individuals who would read, or I decide to be so vague that it doesn't help. With that in mind, I'll explain a bit more.)
The problem with the job wasn't that the mass majority of people were problematic. Just the ones with the most pull. Almost every teacher was great, with the exception of one who was insanely demanding and also somewhat technically ignorant. The administrators were a problem because they couldn't communicate well.
I had a cellphone on me at all times, I was at a computer where I could and did check my e-mail, I would stop by just to stick my head in their office to see if anything was going on, and they still couldn't let me know what was up until it was too late to make it anything but a clusterfuck.
It was a very feast or famine job, and towards the end it got a lot more involved. Still, I got out alive, with my sanity in check.
Which now means, what is Brandon doing now? Right now he's going commando in sweatpants around the house.
Yes, I know that the correct response involved job hunting.
Job hunting is interesting. Effectively, I've copped out. I don't have too much of an interest in working at any one place, just in a general field, and so I've signed up at a very nice temp agency. Most of the problems with temp agencies comes from the fact that there's no permanent employment, and limited benefits. This one has good benefits (health insurance, ya know), and has a good record with finding people permanent positions, which would be good.
That being said, the most likely first job I'm looking at wouldn't be permanent.
In a way, I'm really okay with that. I like the idea of having freedom and moving about a bit. More than that, I want to work -now-. I'm better when I'm working; more productive in other things. Being at home is a slow drain on everything. I'm getting so unproductive; I've put on some weight, which I've managed to get rid of again mostly (that's crazy for a week, btw. Putting on weight until pants won't fit, and then losing it again until their too baggy? Geeze, I maybe should go to the doctor about that while I still have Mom's health insurance, heh.)
When I have a day job, it makes me want to do other things. I read more, I write more - right now I'm trying to write, but I'm unable to do anything even close. This post is me trying to avoid writing, for some reason.
I think it's this house. This house has nothing positive in it for me; nothing good has ever happened here. I'm anxious to be out of it, and on my own again.
More than that, I'm not learning right now. Whenever I'm working, I'm constantly exposed to new things, new people, new thoughts, and new ideas, and so on. I need to read more right now, and yet I can't. I just putter on the internet for hours and hours. Bleh, it's so frustrating. I know this isn't what I should be doing, but I can't break away from here.
Oh well.
New job in the workings and a desire to move out means apartment hunting. It's been a pain, but right now all I can do is go and examine the actual places, and then go from there. I'd rather live in Florence, just to be away from a big city; Cinci would suck to live in, I think.
So, OCD stuff. This should be an LJ cut in and LJ cut, because I know nobody cares; that's kind of why I have to post it here, because if I don't it stays inside.
I'm doing better. Handwashing is kind of high again, as is the hair stuff; but by following my other rules helps with that.
The problem is that following all of these rules is making me numb again; it's very hard to keep a lively attitude while being constantly oppressed by your own mind. It crushes my emotions sometimes, so that I just sort of drift away or lose interest in things or people, because of the weird stipulations for interaction that I impose on myself. I can't do anything about it, though, really; at least, not without situations changing. What helped before was having a reason to do things, to expand from my bubble.
Back at Centre, Chris and the others were a big reason to do so. Right now, I don't go outside after a certain time because of a fear of having to shower afterwards; back then, it wasn't uncommon for me to get roused out of something to go for a late night taco bell run or some other random thing, which broke my rules. I just don't have things like that anymore.
Still! I've been struggling to break what I can. Going out to eat at odd hours, and so on. But being here, in this town, in this house, is stifling. I can see how my condition got so bad in the first place, with how this place feels.
*shakes his head* Well, I guess that's it. This killed a good half hour.
You know what that means! Time for mad ravings!
So, with graduation came a very interesting feeling. One that combined accomplishment with loss, learning with ignorance, the ability and opportunity to move on with the desire to stay at a place where I know all the good places to eat, all the good drinking holes, and where I have friends who help me be better.
My position was a little weirder, though, simply because I had to come back in a few weeks to work for GSP as their tech bitch. Anyone who has talked to me in the past two months knows how that went; for the rest, the simple phrase "Geeeeeeeze. Glad it's over" should suffice.
(I kind of wonder why I post, when almost everything I post has probably already been mentioned to the individuals who would read, or I decide to be so vague that it doesn't help. With that in mind, I'll explain a bit more.)
The problem with the job wasn't that the mass majority of people were problematic. Just the ones with the most pull. Almost every teacher was great, with the exception of one who was insanely demanding and also somewhat technically ignorant. The administrators were a problem because they couldn't communicate well.
I had a cellphone on me at all times, I was at a computer where I could and did check my e-mail, I would stop by just to stick my head in their office to see if anything was going on, and they still couldn't let me know what was up until it was too late to make it anything but a clusterfuck.
It was a very feast or famine job, and towards the end it got a lot more involved. Still, I got out alive, with my sanity in check.
Which now means, what is Brandon doing now? Right now he's going commando in sweatpants around the house.
Yes, I know that the correct response involved job hunting.
Job hunting is interesting. Effectively, I've copped out. I don't have too much of an interest in working at any one place, just in a general field, and so I've signed up at a very nice temp agency. Most of the problems with temp agencies comes from the fact that there's no permanent employment, and limited benefits. This one has good benefits (health insurance, ya know), and has a good record with finding people permanent positions, which would be good.
That being said, the most likely first job I'm looking at wouldn't be permanent.
In a way, I'm really okay with that. I like the idea of having freedom and moving about a bit. More than that, I want to work -now-. I'm better when I'm working; more productive in other things. Being at home is a slow drain on everything. I'm getting so unproductive; I've put on some weight, which I've managed to get rid of again mostly (that's crazy for a week, btw. Putting on weight until pants won't fit, and then losing it again until their too baggy? Geeze, I maybe should go to the doctor about that while I still have Mom's health insurance, heh.)
When I have a day job, it makes me want to do other things. I read more, I write more - right now I'm trying to write, but I'm unable to do anything even close. This post is me trying to avoid writing, for some reason.
I think it's this house. This house has nothing positive in it for me; nothing good has ever happened here. I'm anxious to be out of it, and on my own again.
More than that, I'm not learning right now. Whenever I'm working, I'm constantly exposed to new things, new people, new thoughts, and new ideas, and so on. I need to read more right now, and yet I can't. I just putter on the internet for hours and hours. Bleh, it's so frustrating. I know this isn't what I should be doing, but I can't break away from here.
Oh well.
New job in the workings and a desire to move out means apartment hunting. It's been a pain, but right now all I can do is go and examine the actual places, and then go from there. I'd rather live in Florence, just to be away from a big city; Cinci would suck to live in, I think.
So, OCD stuff. This should be an LJ cut in and LJ cut, because I know nobody cares; that's kind of why I have to post it here, because if I don't it stays inside.
I'm doing better. Handwashing is kind of high again, as is the hair stuff; but by following my other rules helps with that.
The problem is that following all of these rules is making me numb again; it's very hard to keep a lively attitude while being constantly oppressed by your own mind. It crushes my emotions sometimes, so that I just sort of drift away or lose interest in things or people, because of the weird stipulations for interaction that I impose on myself. I can't do anything about it, though, really; at least, not without situations changing. What helped before was having a reason to do things, to expand from my bubble.
Back at Centre, Chris and the others were a big reason to do so. Right now, I don't go outside after a certain time because of a fear of having to shower afterwards; back then, it wasn't uncommon for me to get roused out of something to go for a late night taco bell run or some other random thing, which broke my rules. I just don't have things like that anymore.
Still! I've been struggling to break what I can. Going out to eat at odd hours, and so on. But being here, in this town, in this house, is stifling. I can see how my condition got so bad in the first place, with how this place feels.
*shakes his head* Well, I guess that's it. This killed a good half hour.