"Greg, can you ever really tust another human being?""Yeah, I'd say so.""No, no you cannot."wilhelm_klinkNovember 27 2005, 00:22:39 UTC
It seems a lot of people are coming to conclussions like this. I know I have. I drove back to Davis today and there is a $3 toll bridge I have to pay for each time I go to Davis. But today, some nice fellow in front of me paid for my fair. The clerk told me he paid for me and that I could go. I had my $3 all ready to pay, I could have reciprocated the favor to the person behind me. But I decided "No, fuck him, and fuck everyone, I am going to keep my $3." It is all about me. And now, I'll probably spend the evening finishing my handle of Captain Morgan and watching movies. I'll probably spend that $3 on some Coke to go along with my rum.
dear sara, humanity is an ugly ugly thing and all we can do to forget about it is self involve. if i tried to think about all of the faiths i have lost it might destroy.... i dont know. but i think that doesnt mean to stop investing yourself in people because, eventually, people will start putting their whole selves back into you. love, lalea
i'm sorry lalea. but i don't believe it anymore. no one is going to put their whole selves into me. i thought someday i would be able to put my whole self into something or someone. but that is just romantic. i can give a little here an there, but i can't invest as much of myself into as many people as i have. they don't even realize that i have done it, and it has nothing to do with them probably. i just have to learn to love myself more than i love them. more than i love everyone else. and i mean i have to love myself more than i love all of them added up together. it sounds icky. but i think that is the answer.
i think maybe the key is balance. as cliche as this may sound, seem, feel. we have evolved to keep ourselves alive, to be primarily selfish. it can't be blamed on humanity, it can't be blamed on much of anything; feelings have only just recently become more important to select people than basic survival over the last dozen decades or so. and so maybe this is where i find it acceptable to rely only on myself, and to isolate myself when i feel vulnerable. i must keep myself alive over all others. because if i don't take care of myself first, then who will
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i know you. i understand you. and i am not going to go off and be a recluse and stop caring that the world exists and only please myself. you lnow me. i am not an extremist. but from this point on i will be more aware of myself. of how much i give, and how much i can expect in return, to replenish my stores of energy and love if you will. of course i like helping people. i am not a martyr. i don't give of myself for any particular cause other than if i make someone else feel good, it makes me feel good. essentially it is selfish. but in the end, i end up lacking, wanting or needing. i never expect anything in return from one deed or anopther, but i did expect that eventually my generosity would come full circle. my hope and my faith in humanity was not in vain. that we are a co operative being, race, universe. the difference between us katy, is i cannot judge character or whatever you want to call it as quickly and accurately as you. i cannot say who is or is not worth my time
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humanity is an ugly ugly thing and all we can do to forget about it is self involve.
if i tried to think about all of the faiths i have lost it might destroy.... i dont know.
but i think that doesnt mean to stop investing yourself in people because, eventually, people will start putting their whole selves back into you.
love,
lalea
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