084.
title: if there was a yesterday
rating: pg
pairing/focus: heechul-centric; mentions of hanchul
summary: In a nutshell, Heechul time travels.
notes: to all my hanchul-loving peeps, especially diana and jeny :( i'm sorry :( ♥
i should clarify that this idea was taken from The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger.
-
Heechul never really feels right there. Like at a certain time on a certain day, he'll reach for a cup and never feel the ceramic handle, or turn over and try to smash the snooze button on his clock and feel thin air. That one day, he won't be there at all.
In a nutshell, Heechul time travels. Some random genetic mutation means that his kids, if, god forbid, he ever has any, will too. It means that one minute he's happily typing away at his laptop and the next he's butt naked backstage at Music Bank a week ago, or under the kitchen table two years from now.
Sometimes he fucking loves it. He gets to see his best friend, Jaejin, before he had moved away to America, and frolic in the garden of his childhood. He can kiss his aunt's cheek before she had succumbed to cancer, and see what Seoul was like before he was born.
Most of the time, he fucking hates it. He doesn't have enough fingers and toes to count the times he's had to lie his way out of a breaking and entering/robbery/public indecency charge. Or the time to sit down and catalogue all the injuries he's sustained, all the fucking injuries. Kim Heechul's body is a thing of beauty -- the bumps, bruises, scrapes and blood are practically sacrilegious. They should not happen.
And he wishes it wouldn't.
If time traveling is part of his genetic code, then it's linked to his brain and mind. Theoretically, if it's linked to his brain and mind so closely, then he should be able to control when he disappears and where he'll appear.
Theoretically speaking anyway.
When Heechul gets especially upset, panicked or angry, he's more prone to disappearing. He'll be in the middle of an argument, feel the telltale twinge and have to excuse himself to the bathroom. It's a frustrating way to end a fight -- to back down. It's a nightmare on variety shows and during concerts.
For once, he wishes he could just stand on a single spot in the world, let go of everything he's thinking and feeling at that moment and just be. No restraining his own emotions, no feeling like he isn't 100% there, no anything. No nothing.
But that would mean that Heechul would have to suppress his emotions, and he was never great at that.
Heechul didn't fail high school physics, but he didn't come first and that's all that counts. He remembers learning about circuits and electricity, about stars and supernovas and about atoms and quarks. Physics made sense, physics made things make sense. It was about the world and how it's made up of things smaller than the human eye can see, than any technology can see. It explained the composition of the world and human's lowly position in it, how humans are so insignificant compared to the greater universe, because we are only a speck in the history of space and time.
He learnt one thing in that class; some things are inexplicable.
There is less than a one in a billion chance of another Earth, another life form out there, intelligent or not. If Heechul takes it to the next level -- I'm the less than a one in a billionth chance -- then there are maybe five others out there in the world. Time travelers. Kin. Brothers in arms.
It makes him sick to think how much he wishes it was true just so he doesn't have to suffer alone.
All things gravitate around something larger -- the sun, the Earth, a Korean idol. It's called gravity.
In Heechul's mind, he sees three key events:
1. The day he failed as part of Four Seasons.
2. The day he signed the contract.
3. The day Han Geng left.
Even his subconscious and body can't ignore the importance of these three events. And it reacts the only way it knows how; traveling around it.
He'll be adjusting his mic, trying to breathe evenly backstage before he's gone and he's suddenly naked on a familiar rooftop, watching himself smoke three packs. His logic at that time -- better finish the job.
Or he'll be shitting himself because Heebum's gone missing again -- seriously, he should just attach a GPS to that stupid cat's collar or something -- and then he's naked behind a pot plant, watching his younger self walk into that office, minutes before he'll sign that form.
Or he'll feel that familiar jolt as he falls out of bed, the jolt that combines a badly remembered dream, a startling clear memory and gravity to open his eyes to see a sliver of Han Geng's face before the elevator closed for close to forever.
A fact: you cannot change the past. Ever.
The days after Han Geng's departure, Heechul spends in limbo. He's so upset, angry, panicked, one of them, that he spends more time traveling than not.
It doesn't help that the minute Han Geng walks out the door, Heechul collapses on the sofa, absolutely wrecked and so wasted of energy that he doesn't even move when he feels the telltale twinge. He opens his eyes to see himself in the exact same position, but naked, hearing shouting from the kitchen. It's from twenty minutes ago. It's worse hearing the conversation as a third party.
"It's not a choice anymore, I have to do this."
"Everything you do is a choice. You chose this company, so have some fucking loyalty, alright?"
"It's not even about the company, or management, or the schedules. It was never about you guys. It's just me, okay? I just need to do this."
"This? What's this? Betraying us? Betraying the fans? I don't even kno--"
And then Heechul's back to the present, tear tracks fresh, lying on top of his clothes. He pulls a blanket on top of himself and sleeps.
The next time is a few hours later when he wakes up to empty his bladder. As he's washing his hands, he actually disappears mid "fuck!"
He lands on a book on his bedroom floor, and Han Geng sleepily peers over the side of his -- Heechul's -- bed.
"Hey, I thought you were at Sukira tonight," he says, eyes barely open.
Heechul checks the clock. Oh, he's right. And he also takes advantage of drowsy Han Geng and steals the whole blanket and snuggles under it on the floor. At least he won't have to explain double-Heechul in the apartment.
"Change of plans," Heechul says, and Han Geng grabs the blanket. "What day is it?"
Han Geng cracks open an eye and then forces them open. "Why are you naked?"
Heechul looks down at himself. "Getting some wind on my privates, freedom. Feels really good, you know?" He glances at the calendar as he wriggles into bed, nudging Han Geng over. Two months before Han Geng leaves, one of the few nights he had been in Seoul and not out on Super Junior M promos.
"Hey, hey, don't fall asleep on me." Han Geng flings out an arm and whacks Heechul across the face. Complete accident, of course.
"Heechul, I literally fell asleep like ten minutes before you woke me up and stole the blanket. You know how precious my sleep is to me."
Heechul brings himself up, looking down on Han Geng's sleepy face. They've come a long way, together.
"You know you can tell me anything, at all. And I won't judge you. If you ever need help, just come to me."
Han Geng opens an eye, his forearm thrown across his forehead.
"Yeah? That's great Heechul, but I really just want to sleep now. I'm just so tired."
"Oh." Heechul moves Han Geng's arm down, across his chest, under the blanket, and pulls it up to his chin. "Okay, we'll talk in the morning."
"Sure," Han Geng says, slurring the syllable. "'Night, sleep well."
"You too."
Heechul wakes up on the cold tiles of the bathroom, and he shuffles out and grabs his clothes from the couch, putting them on methodically. He feels drugged out, the not-there feeling intensified a thousand times until he feels that if he closes his eyes for any longer than a second, he really will disappear completely. Reality doesn't feel real.
"Hey," Jungsu says softly as Heechul pulls the hem of his shirt down. "Sleep alright?"
The sun's only just rising, and Heechul knows that SME is going to keep the lid on Han Geng leaving for as long as possible. Which means normal schedules for the time being. God.
"Leaving for an interview in twenty minutes," Jungsu says, just to break the silence. "Story is Hankyung has a stomach bug. Can you go wake up Donghae?"
Even asleep, Heechul can tell Donghae's eyes are swollen from crying, and they're going to be red-rimmed for the interview. He looks so peaceful in sleep that he can't bear to wake him up, so he just snuggles under the covers and curls around Donghae.
The twinge is almost too small to feel, and Heechul tells himself that he's just imagining it until he feels cold air and opens his eyes to see the old apartment. Pre-debut.
"Hey," Han Geng greets as he walks out of their old kitchen, eyes wide. Heechul almost misses the heavy accent. "You... no clothes? Where is Jay?"
Heechul pulls a pillow into his lap. "What day is it?"
"Um, Friday." It's also 7PM.
"Shouldn't we be having lessons?"
Han Geng gingerly sits down on the other couch. "You okay? Lessons got cancelled because of the, um, heavy snow. You told me this."
"Oh, right."
"And you and Jay left an hour ago to go drinking. Back already? Where is Jay?"
"Left him at the bar." Heechul's head hurts. He remembers this night. He had gotten drunk off his mind and Jay had had to carry him home, literally, before he had passed out. The hangover the next morning had had the dance instructor sending him out of class. Han Geng had been sympathetic, but only superficially. Jay had been too responsible. God, he hates himself.
"What're your plans for the night?"
Han Geng points to the TV. It's one of those old Chinese martial arts movies, with long robes and flying through the air to kick some ass. He also flings over a blanket.
"You will get sick like that."
It's peaceful. He knows that as a twenty-one year old, this evening would've been hell -- stuck in an apartment with no lessons or obligations, watching a badly made movie in a foreign language without subtitles and not even something to drink. Right now, this is all he needs.
Heechul contently snuggles under the blanket and watches Han Geng's face as he watches the TV. They make eye contact, and Han Geng mouths what as something flashes on screen and smoke appears. Heechul shakes his head.
"We can watch something else." Han Geng reaches for the remote, but Heechul stops him.
"No, it's okay. Let's just watch this."
Han Geng slowly leans back, and then looks at the screen as the two main characters battle, flying across the sky.
"Sure?"
"Of course, Kim Heechul is never unsure." Heechul tosses his hair and dares a smile, and Han Geng smiles cautiously back. Heechul knows that he'll miss this, so he makes sure to take a mental photo and store it away. For later.
All these extended moments with Han Geng makes Heechul feel like he's cheating time and cheating the present. He'd feel like he's cheating God, too, if he still believed.
It's some miracle that he doesn't get caught, ever, either in the present, or the past, or even in the future when he meets Han Geng backstage at his first solo concert, having tied up some poor stagehand and robbed him of his clothes.
"Hey, congratulations on your first concert," he says, lowering his voice and slouching so his cap covers his eyes.
"Than-" Han Geng begins in Mandarin before it clicks. "Thank you."
Heechul doesn't want to admit it, but he does look better. More weight, less worry under the eyes and an actual, sincere smile.
"Good luck in the future, Hankyung-sshi."
"Hey, do I kno-" Then he's gone.
The reappearances start centering around the week leading up to Han Geng leaving.
Heechul grabs his own phone and hurriedly texts, don't leave, super junior needs you, from his pocket before disappearing, ignoring his own wide eyed look. He remembers checking his sent folder later, and wondering why his future self would do that.
He tries to instigate a talk in the nude over breakfast about the importance of each member's role in Super Junior as Han Geng blinks sleepily.
"I can see you moving your lips but I'm too sleepy to mentally translate," Han Geng says politely before taking a long drink from his tea.
Heechul even appears in the bathroom while Han Geng's in the shower, and the scream is enough to bring Jungsu running, pounding on the door to ask if everything's alright.
"Fine," Heechul says airily, before he wrenches the shower curtain back and pointedly doesn't look down. He hopes Han Geng is doing the same favour.
"I know what you're about to do in a few days and I sincerely hope you reconsider," he says bluntly before drawing the curtain closed again and willing himself to disappear. It actually works.
It's a strange sort of stillness and silence after the news gets out, each of them going their separate ways. And it feels wrong for the Super Junior dorms to be so quiet and -- frozen, almost. Not peaceful, more like the devastating chill and destruction after a storm.
Heechul spends so much of his time time-traveling that he doesn't even realise it when he's finally stopped, a bare hour out of limbo.
"Hey, what day is it?" he asks Sungmin, who's coming out of the kitchen with a mug of tea.
"27th December. 2009." He pushes the mug into Heechul's hands and the steam envelopes him, his eyelids feeling sticky. How long has it been since he's last had uninterrupted sleep?
"You have to stop this," Sungmin says softly, a gentle hand on Heechul's knee, and Heechul jerks.
"Stop what?" Heechul asks tightly.
"Trying to change the past, hyung." Sungmin looks on pityingly, and Heechul doesn't need this -- but. But.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Come on hyung, did you think you could hide it for four, five years? We're not stupid." Sungmin takes the mug, empty, and Heechul hadn't even noticed he'd finished it, the herbal tea familiarly bitter.
"You said, no secrets," Sungmin says, hurt, and Heechul knows he shouldn't feel guilt, but he does. He doesn't have an obligation to Sungmin, of all people, regarding this.
He watches as Sungmin slowly stands and disappears into the kitchen and closes his eyes. A twinge.
A day after Han Geng's left, his sleeping self's phone says, and he's on the wrong side, the wrong flip side of the coin. He could never control it, but it hurts, somehow, missing Han Geng by this much. Again.
Heechul hears a sound and dares a glance at his sleeping self in the bed before hiding in his cupboard. Not a minute later, Donghae comes in, looking worse for wear in rumpled pajamas. But at least he's up.
"Hyung, wake up," Donghae says quietly, and shakes past-Heechul's shoulder. "We have dance practice today, come on, hyung."
Future-Heechul watches through the crack between the wardrobe doors, barely remembering this day-moment, barely a week ago.
Donghae shakes Heechul's shoulder again, a bit more persistent as he sits on the bed, face weary and troubled. Heechul never wants to see an expression like that, so lost and depressed, and especially not on Donghae, perpetually cheerful and affectionate Donghae who should be without a care in the world, if Heechul had any say in it.
Past-Heechul apparently doesn't harbour the same thoughts as he stays utterly still, the only movement his chest. Future-Heechul knows himself too well -- he's faking being asleep, as Donghae should also know.
"Leave him," a voice says from the doorway. Future-Heechul shifts and isn't surprised to see Jungsu. "He's in no state for practice -- he can join us later if he wants."
Donghae hadn't even looked up at Jungsu's words, but he nods anyway and slides off the bed. He gives past-Heechul's hair a quick ruffle -- and future-Heechul remembers that, that warm, comforting hand -- and leaves, presumably to get ready, pushing past Jungsu in the doorway.
"I don't like seeing him like this." Heechul recognises Hyukjae's voice, and has to agree. This is wrong, and pathetic.
"Neither, but we can't do anything about it," Jungsu says as he steps over the mss on the floor and pulls the blanket up to Heechul's chin, tucking him in. Future-Heechul can see that Hyukjae's all ready to go, phone, keys and wallet in his hand and dressed in his favourite dance gear -- red, oversized shirt and basketball shorts. Comfort.
"Come on," Jungsu says, and Heechul's gone.
"You can't change the past," Sungmin says when Heechul returns, giving him a blanket. "Don't you get that?"
Heechul stays silent, the blanket bunched around his waist as he sits on the sofa, looking at Sungmin who's staring back.
"You cut your hair," Heechul says, surprised, and Sungmin lets a bitter smile form.
"Last week, hyung. Don't you get it? You can't change the past anymore than you can predict the future or run from the present. You might think you can, but you can't."
But I can, Heechul wants to say.
He's met Han Geng a year from now -- clearly happy without Super Junior. And he's successfully avoided the present, happily reliving old memories if he does say so himself. So he doesn't see why he can't change the past. It's just a simple matter of trying hard enough.
His next trip isn't a trip -- he confuses the present for an old memory and wonders if all this traveling is finally catching up on him and he's going crazy.
"Sungmin-hyung told me what happened," Ryeowook greets him on New Year's Eve's eve with a mug of soothing herbal tea.
"You think I time travel too." Heechul tries to snort but it doesn't come out right and it sounds wrong, like he's trying too hard for something that doesn't quite exist.
"Yes, I do," Ryeowook says in the quiet, self-assured way of his. "Sungmin-hyung makes a very convincing argument, and it does explain some things."
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Heechul can call the bullshit out on that, now. He feels like he's been dying everyday since Han Geng's departure and instead of becoming stronger, he feels like his sharp edges have dulled, his sharp corners blunted and curved. Harmless. Useless.
"Hyung, have you ever heard of the Time Paradox?"
"Of course. What has happened, has happened, and there's no changing that. If, if, time travel was possible," here, Heechul gives Ryeowook a significant look, but Ryeowook just smiles innocently, "then if you go back in time and 'change' something -- then that change has technically already happened in the past and the present remains the same."
"Because all past events," Ryeowook continues, "all things in history, have already happened to lead us up to this point in the present. Everything that was meant to happen has already happened and anything that wasn't meant to happen, didn't."
Ryeowook takes the empty mug from Heechul's fingers and places it on the coffee table.
"So please, hyung, stop hurting yourself."
On one hand, there's logic, physics, the time paradox and his worried bandmates. And guilt, overwhelming amounts of guilt. On the other hand, there's his pride, stubbornness, and heart.
There isn't an even balance -- this is Kim Heechul's balance. It's tipping in favour of pride, by just a bit.
But Kim Heechul wasn't born stupid -- only stubborn -- and he certainly isn't stupid now. If he can't do anything to change fate, change the past, then he should rightfully give up. In the most dignified manner possible.
In the suitcase Han Geng takes with him, there's a small piece of paper, tucked into one of his shoes.
Good luck, it reads in pretty, slightly sloppy, hangul.
("I never would've guessed it," Han Geng says, his grey hair shining in the sun as he drinks his tea.
"I'm disappointed you didn't recognise the handsome me," Heechul replies, affronted with only baggy shorts on. "I mean, who forgets a face like this?" He gestures grandly to his own face and Han Geng laughs.
"Who would've guessed the fabulous Kim Heechul would been in Shanghai, dressed in a stagehand's clothes, hundreds of kilometres from home?"
"I guess this isn't true love, then," Heechul sniffs, and reaches for his tea.
"You want true love?" Han Geng asks, raising an eyebrow. Heechul pretends to consider.
"Considering that you have a whole room -- sorry, shrine -- of Super Junior memorabilia, no, not from you, you creepy old man."
Han Geng genuinely laughs this time, almost choking.
"Creepy old man? Oh, that's rich, coming from you. You should see your current self."
Heechul shrieks and leaps, almost overturning his tea.
"WHAT! What am I like! Tell me! You can't hide this from me!"
"Next time," Han Geng promises, and the last thing he sees is Heechul's pout.)
rating: pg
pairing/focus: heechul-centric; mentions of hanchul
summary: In a nutshell, Heechul time travels.
notes: to all my hanchul-loving peeps, especially diana and jeny :( i'm sorry :( ♥
i should clarify that this idea was taken from The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger.
-
Heechul never really feels right there. Like at a certain time on a certain day, he'll reach for a cup and never feel the ceramic handle, or turn over and try to smash the snooze button on his clock and feel thin air. That one day, he won't be there at all.
In a nutshell, Heechul time travels. Some random genetic mutation means that his kids, if, god forbid, he ever has any, will too. It means that one minute he's happily typing away at his laptop and the next he's butt naked backstage at Music Bank a week ago, or under the kitchen table two years from now.
Sometimes he fucking loves it. He gets to see his best friend, Jaejin, before he had moved away to America, and frolic in the garden of his childhood. He can kiss his aunt's cheek before she had succumbed to cancer, and see what Seoul was like before he was born.
Most of the time, he fucking hates it. He doesn't have enough fingers and toes to count the times he's had to lie his way out of a breaking and entering/robbery/public indecency charge. Or the time to sit down and catalogue all the injuries he's sustained, all the fucking injuries. Kim Heechul's body is a thing of beauty -- the bumps, bruises, scrapes and blood are practically sacrilegious. They should not happen.
And he wishes it wouldn't.
If time traveling is part of his genetic code, then it's linked to his brain and mind. Theoretically, if it's linked to his brain and mind so closely, then he should be able to control when he disappears and where he'll appear.
Theoretically speaking anyway.
When Heechul gets especially upset, panicked or angry, he's more prone to disappearing. He'll be in the middle of an argument, feel the telltale twinge and have to excuse himself to the bathroom. It's a frustrating way to end a fight -- to back down. It's a nightmare on variety shows and during concerts.
For once, he wishes he could just stand on a single spot in the world, let go of everything he's thinking and feeling at that moment and just be. No restraining his own emotions, no feeling like he isn't 100% there, no anything. No nothing.
But that would mean that Heechul would have to suppress his emotions, and he was never great at that.
Heechul didn't fail high school physics, but he didn't come first and that's all that counts. He remembers learning about circuits and electricity, about stars and supernovas and about atoms and quarks. Physics made sense, physics made things make sense. It was about the world and how it's made up of things smaller than the human eye can see, than any technology can see. It explained the composition of the world and human's lowly position in it, how humans are so insignificant compared to the greater universe, because we are only a speck in the history of space and time.
He learnt one thing in that class; some things are inexplicable.
There is less than a one in a billion chance of another Earth, another life form out there, intelligent or not. If Heechul takes it to the next level -- I'm the less than a one in a billionth chance -- then there are maybe five others out there in the world. Time travelers. Kin. Brothers in arms.
It makes him sick to think how much he wishes it was true just so he doesn't have to suffer alone.
All things gravitate around something larger -- the sun, the Earth, a Korean idol. It's called gravity.
In Heechul's mind, he sees three key events:
1. The day he failed as part of Four Seasons.
2. The day he signed the contract.
3. The day Han Geng left.
Even his subconscious and body can't ignore the importance of these three events. And it reacts the only way it knows how; traveling around it.
He'll be adjusting his mic, trying to breathe evenly backstage before he's gone and he's suddenly naked on a familiar rooftop, watching himself smoke three packs. His logic at that time -- better finish the job.
Or he'll be shitting himself because Heebum's gone missing again -- seriously, he should just attach a GPS to that stupid cat's collar or something -- and then he's naked behind a pot plant, watching his younger self walk into that office, minutes before he'll sign that form.
Or he'll feel that familiar jolt as he falls out of bed, the jolt that combines a badly remembered dream, a startling clear memory and gravity to open his eyes to see a sliver of Han Geng's face before the elevator closed for close to forever.
A fact: you cannot change the past. Ever.
The days after Han Geng's departure, Heechul spends in limbo. He's so upset, angry, panicked, one of them, that he spends more time traveling than not.
It doesn't help that the minute Han Geng walks out the door, Heechul collapses on the sofa, absolutely wrecked and so wasted of energy that he doesn't even move when he feels the telltale twinge. He opens his eyes to see himself in the exact same position, but naked, hearing shouting from the kitchen. It's from twenty minutes ago. It's worse hearing the conversation as a third party.
"It's not a choice anymore, I have to do this."
"Everything you do is a choice. You chose this company, so have some fucking loyalty, alright?"
"It's not even about the company, or management, or the schedules. It was never about you guys. It's just me, okay? I just need to do this."
"This? What's this? Betraying us? Betraying the fans? I don't even kno--"
And then Heechul's back to the present, tear tracks fresh, lying on top of his clothes. He pulls a blanket on top of himself and sleeps.
The next time is a few hours later when he wakes up to empty his bladder. As he's washing his hands, he actually disappears mid "fuck!"
He lands on a book on his bedroom floor, and Han Geng sleepily peers over the side of his -- Heechul's -- bed.
"Hey, I thought you were at Sukira tonight," he says, eyes barely open.
Heechul checks the clock. Oh, he's right. And he also takes advantage of drowsy Han Geng and steals the whole blanket and snuggles under it on the floor. At least he won't have to explain double-Heechul in the apartment.
"Change of plans," Heechul says, and Han Geng grabs the blanket. "What day is it?"
Han Geng cracks open an eye and then forces them open. "Why are you naked?"
Heechul looks down at himself. "Getting some wind on my privates, freedom. Feels really good, you know?" He glances at the calendar as he wriggles into bed, nudging Han Geng over. Two months before Han Geng leaves, one of the few nights he had been in Seoul and not out on Super Junior M promos.
"Hey, hey, don't fall asleep on me." Han Geng flings out an arm and whacks Heechul across the face. Complete accident, of course.
"Heechul, I literally fell asleep like ten minutes before you woke me up and stole the blanket. You know how precious my sleep is to me."
Heechul brings himself up, looking down on Han Geng's sleepy face. They've come a long way, together.
"You know you can tell me anything, at all. And I won't judge you. If you ever need help, just come to me."
Han Geng opens an eye, his forearm thrown across his forehead.
"Yeah? That's great Heechul, but I really just want to sleep now. I'm just so tired."
"Oh." Heechul moves Han Geng's arm down, across his chest, under the blanket, and pulls it up to his chin. "Okay, we'll talk in the morning."
"Sure," Han Geng says, slurring the syllable. "'Night, sleep well."
"You too."
Heechul wakes up on the cold tiles of the bathroom, and he shuffles out and grabs his clothes from the couch, putting them on methodically. He feels drugged out, the not-there feeling intensified a thousand times until he feels that if he closes his eyes for any longer than a second, he really will disappear completely. Reality doesn't feel real.
"Hey," Jungsu says softly as Heechul pulls the hem of his shirt down. "Sleep alright?"
The sun's only just rising, and Heechul knows that SME is going to keep the lid on Han Geng leaving for as long as possible. Which means normal schedules for the time being. God.
"Leaving for an interview in twenty minutes," Jungsu says, just to break the silence. "Story is Hankyung has a stomach bug. Can you go wake up Donghae?"
Even asleep, Heechul can tell Donghae's eyes are swollen from crying, and they're going to be red-rimmed for the interview. He looks so peaceful in sleep that he can't bear to wake him up, so he just snuggles under the covers and curls around Donghae.
The twinge is almost too small to feel, and Heechul tells himself that he's just imagining it until he feels cold air and opens his eyes to see the old apartment. Pre-debut.
"Hey," Han Geng greets as he walks out of their old kitchen, eyes wide. Heechul almost misses the heavy accent. "You... no clothes? Where is Jay?"
Heechul pulls a pillow into his lap. "What day is it?"
"Um, Friday." It's also 7PM.
"Shouldn't we be having lessons?"
Han Geng gingerly sits down on the other couch. "You okay? Lessons got cancelled because of the, um, heavy snow. You told me this."
"Oh, right."
"And you and Jay left an hour ago to go drinking. Back already? Where is Jay?"
"Left him at the bar." Heechul's head hurts. He remembers this night. He had gotten drunk off his mind and Jay had had to carry him home, literally, before he had passed out. The hangover the next morning had had the dance instructor sending him out of class. Han Geng had been sympathetic, but only superficially. Jay had been too responsible. God, he hates himself.
"What're your plans for the night?"
Han Geng points to the TV. It's one of those old Chinese martial arts movies, with long robes and flying through the air to kick some ass. He also flings over a blanket.
"You will get sick like that."
It's peaceful. He knows that as a twenty-one year old, this evening would've been hell -- stuck in an apartment with no lessons or obligations, watching a badly made movie in a foreign language without subtitles and not even something to drink. Right now, this is all he needs.
Heechul contently snuggles under the blanket and watches Han Geng's face as he watches the TV. They make eye contact, and Han Geng mouths what as something flashes on screen and smoke appears. Heechul shakes his head.
"We can watch something else." Han Geng reaches for the remote, but Heechul stops him.
"No, it's okay. Let's just watch this."
Han Geng slowly leans back, and then looks at the screen as the two main characters battle, flying across the sky.
"Sure?"
"Of course, Kim Heechul is never unsure." Heechul tosses his hair and dares a smile, and Han Geng smiles cautiously back. Heechul knows that he'll miss this, so he makes sure to take a mental photo and store it away. For later.
All these extended moments with Han Geng makes Heechul feel like he's cheating time and cheating the present. He'd feel like he's cheating God, too, if he still believed.
It's some miracle that he doesn't get caught, ever, either in the present, or the past, or even in the future when he meets Han Geng backstage at his first solo concert, having tied up some poor stagehand and robbed him of his clothes.
"Hey, congratulations on your first concert," he says, lowering his voice and slouching so his cap covers his eyes.
"Than-" Han Geng begins in Mandarin before it clicks. "Thank you."
Heechul doesn't want to admit it, but he does look better. More weight, less worry under the eyes and an actual, sincere smile.
"Good luck in the future, Hankyung-sshi."
"Hey, do I kno-" Then he's gone.
The reappearances start centering around the week leading up to Han Geng leaving.
Heechul grabs his own phone and hurriedly texts, don't leave, super junior needs you, from his pocket before disappearing, ignoring his own wide eyed look. He remembers checking his sent folder later, and wondering why his future self would do that.
He tries to instigate a talk in the nude over breakfast about the importance of each member's role in Super Junior as Han Geng blinks sleepily.
"I can see you moving your lips but I'm too sleepy to mentally translate," Han Geng says politely before taking a long drink from his tea.
Heechul even appears in the bathroom while Han Geng's in the shower, and the scream is enough to bring Jungsu running, pounding on the door to ask if everything's alright.
"Fine," Heechul says airily, before he wrenches the shower curtain back and pointedly doesn't look down. He hopes Han Geng is doing the same favour.
"I know what you're about to do in a few days and I sincerely hope you reconsider," he says bluntly before drawing the curtain closed again and willing himself to disappear. It actually works.
It's a strange sort of stillness and silence after the news gets out, each of them going their separate ways. And it feels wrong for the Super Junior dorms to be so quiet and -- frozen, almost. Not peaceful, more like the devastating chill and destruction after a storm.
Heechul spends so much of his time time-traveling that he doesn't even realise it when he's finally stopped, a bare hour out of limbo.
"Hey, what day is it?" he asks Sungmin, who's coming out of the kitchen with a mug of tea.
"27th December. 2009." He pushes the mug into Heechul's hands and the steam envelopes him, his eyelids feeling sticky. How long has it been since he's last had uninterrupted sleep?
"You have to stop this," Sungmin says softly, a gentle hand on Heechul's knee, and Heechul jerks.
"Stop what?" Heechul asks tightly.
"Trying to change the past, hyung." Sungmin looks on pityingly, and Heechul doesn't need this -- but. But.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Come on hyung, did you think you could hide it for four, five years? We're not stupid." Sungmin takes the mug, empty, and Heechul hadn't even noticed he'd finished it, the herbal tea familiarly bitter.
"You said, no secrets," Sungmin says, hurt, and Heechul knows he shouldn't feel guilt, but he does. He doesn't have an obligation to Sungmin, of all people, regarding this.
He watches as Sungmin slowly stands and disappears into the kitchen and closes his eyes. A twinge.
A day after Han Geng's left, his sleeping self's phone says, and he's on the wrong side, the wrong flip side of the coin. He could never control it, but it hurts, somehow, missing Han Geng by this much. Again.
Heechul hears a sound and dares a glance at his sleeping self in the bed before hiding in his cupboard. Not a minute later, Donghae comes in, looking worse for wear in rumpled pajamas. But at least he's up.
"Hyung, wake up," Donghae says quietly, and shakes past-Heechul's shoulder. "We have dance practice today, come on, hyung."
Future-Heechul watches through the crack between the wardrobe doors, barely remembering this day-moment, barely a week ago.
Donghae shakes Heechul's shoulder again, a bit more persistent as he sits on the bed, face weary and troubled. Heechul never wants to see an expression like that, so lost and depressed, and especially not on Donghae, perpetually cheerful and affectionate Donghae who should be without a care in the world, if Heechul had any say in it.
Past-Heechul apparently doesn't harbour the same thoughts as he stays utterly still, the only movement his chest. Future-Heechul knows himself too well -- he's faking being asleep, as Donghae should also know.
"Leave him," a voice says from the doorway. Future-Heechul shifts and isn't surprised to see Jungsu. "He's in no state for practice -- he can join us later if he wants."
Donghae hadn't even looked up at Jungsu's words, but he nods anyway and slides off the bed. He gives past-Heechul's hair a quick ruffle -- and future-Heechul remembers that, that warm, comforting hand -- and leaves, presumably to get ready, pushing past Jungsu in the doorway.
"I don't like seeing him like this." Heechul recognises Hyukjae's voice, and has to agree. This is wrong, and pathetic.
"Neither, but we can't do anything about it," Jungsu says as he steps over the mss on the floor and pulls the blanket up to Heechul's chin, tucking him in. Future-Heechul can see that Hyukjae's all ready to go, phone, keys and wallet in his hand and dressed in his favourite dance gear -- red, oversized shirt and basketball shorts. Comfort.
"Come on," Jungsu says, and Heechul's gone.
"You can't change the past," Sungmin says when Heechul returns, giving him a blanket. "Don't you get that?"
Heechul stays silent, the blanket bunched around his waist as he sits on the sofa, looking at Sungmin who's staring back.
"You cut your hair," Heechul says, surprised, and Sungmin lets a bitter smile form.
"Last week, hyung. Don't you get it? You can't change the past anymore than you can predict the future or run from the present. You might think you can, but you can't."
But I can, Heechul wants to say.
He's met Han Geng a year from now -- clearly happy without Super Junior. And he's successfully avoided the present, happily reliving old memories if he does say so himself. So he doesn't see why he can't change the past. It's just a simple matter of trying hard enough.
His next trip isn't a trip -- he confuses the present for an old memory and wonders if all this traveling is finally catching up on him and he's going crazy.
"Sungmin-hyung told me what happened," Ryeowook greets him on New Year's Eve's eve with a mug of soothing herbal tea.
"You think I time travel too." Heechul tries to snort but it doesn't come out right and it sounds wrong, like he's trying too hard for something that doesn't quite exist.
"Yes, I do," Ryeowook says in the quiet, self-assured way of his. "Sungmin-hyung makes a very convincing argument, and it does explain some things."
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Heechul can call the bullshit out on that, now. He feels like he's been dying everyday since Han Geng's departure and instead of becoming stronger, he feels like his sharp edges have dulled, his sharp corners blunted and curved. Harmless. Useless.
"Hyung, have you ever heard of the Time Paradox?"
"Of course. What has happened, has happened, and there's no changing that. If, if, time travel was possible," here, Heechul gives Ryeowook a significant look, but Ryeowook just smiles innocently, "then if you go back in time and 'change' something -- then that change has technically already happened in the past and the present remains the same."
"Because all past events," Ryeowook continues, "all things in history, have already happened to lead us up to this point in the present. Everything that was meant to happen has already happened and anything that wasn't meant to happen, didn't."
Ryeowook takes the empty mug from Heechul's fingers and places it on the coffee table.
"So please, hyung, stop hurting yourself."
On one hand, there's logic, physics, the time paradox and his worried bandmates. And guilt, overwhelming amounts of guilt. On the other hand, there's his pride, stubbornness, and heart.
There isn't an even balance -- this is Kim Heechul's balance. It's tipping in favour of pride, by just a bit.
But Kim Heechul wasn't born stupid -- only stubborn -- and he certainly isn't stupid now. If he can't do anything to change fate, change the past, then he should rightfully give up. In the most dignified manner possible.
In the suitcase Han Geng takes with him, there's a small piece of paper, tucked into one of his shoes.
Good luck, it reads in pretty, slightly sloppy, hangul.
("I never would've guessed it," Han Geng says, his grey hair shining in the sun as he drinks his tea.
"I'm disappointed you didn't recognise the handsome me," Heechul replies, affronted with only baggy shorts on. "I mean, who forgets a face like this?" He gestures grandly to his own face and Han Geng laughs.
"Who would've guessed the fabulous Kim Heechul would been in Shanghai, dressed in a stagehand's clothes, hundreds of kilometres from home?"
"I guess this isn't true love, then," Heechul sniffs, and reaches for his tea.
"You want true love?" Han Geng asks, raising an eyebrow. Heechul pretends to consider.
"Considering that you have a whole room -- sorry, shrine -- of Super Junior memorabilia, no, not from you, you creepy old man."
Han Geng genuinely laughs this time, almost choking.
"Creepy old man? Oh, that's rich, coming from you. You should see your current self."
Heechul shrieks and leaps, almost overturning his tea.
"WHAT! What am I like! Tell me! You can't hide this from me!"
"Next time," Han Geng promises, and the last thing he sees is Heechul's pout.)