098.
very old; originally posted at fandom_mule
-
When news of the lawsuit comes back, many of them are frozen still.
It comes in the form of their manager calling them up -- hello? Can you get Jungsu on? This is important -- and then a few minutes in the hallway, an utter quiet and stillness settling over the apartment.
Some of them are out, and not everyone is there, but the vast majority is, and Sungmin is pretending to be absorbed in trying to pour a glass of milk as slowly as possible.
When Jungsu comes back in, Heechul nods at him, and Sungmin's suddenly glad that Youngwoon isn't here to bombard Jungsu with questions.
"What was with that?" Heechul asks as he flicks through the TV channels, and Sungmin's hand stutters as he looks up and sees that Jungsu has visible tear tracks.
"Ah, it was, Uh." He's struggling to breathe, panting a bit, and Heechul hops up, pulls him to the sofa and sits him down.
"Are you okay?" Heechul can't pretend he isn't concerned now.
Jongwoon and Ryeowook emerge from their bedroom, and Shindong comes out of his.
"Jungsu-hyung?"
"It's. It's about Hankyung. Han Geng. Hankyung. He, ah, he..."
Sungmin can see how hard it is for Jungsu to say the words, and he retreats back to the kitchen, hoists himself up on the counter beside the abandoned milk, and counts down the minutes until someone comes home.
He must've fallen asleep, because Heechul is nudging his knee with a hand.
"Kid, time to go to bed." Sungmin checks the microwave -- 2am.
Everyone's asleep in the little floor in the living room; Ryeowook's head on Donghee's stomach, Jongwoon's hand curled around Jungsu's wrist, and Hyukjae with a foot over Youngwoon's. The only ones not asleep are Heechul, Donghae and Sungmin himself.
Donghae's sitting at the dining table, his head pillowed on his arms as he stares at the wall blankly. Sungmin taps his shoulder, and Donghae raises his head slightly, giving a small smile.
"Hey," he says quietly, and Sungmin's heart breaks to hear such a plaintive voice.
"Are you okay?" he asks automatically, and there's a crash from the kitchen.
They race in and some of them stir on the floor, but none move, and Sungmin and Donghae see Heechul, his hand above the sink with the empty glass rolling in the sink, the smell of off milk plaguing them.
"Sorry," he says, and Donghae leads him away, Sungmin washing down the
remaining milk and rinsing the cup.
He wonders what had happened to have them all sleeping in the one room, like the time before SJM had left, the night they'd returned, or the night before debut -- except Kyuhyun hadn't been there before, and Sungmin feels a bit sick at the thought of the 13 of them being separated.
"Sungmin?" Donghae's voice calls, and Sungmin wipes his hands, sitting across from them at the dining table. There's a memory somewhere under the surface involving report cards, but the two of them look tired, oh so tired, and Sungmin just wants to tuck them into bed, kiss them goodnight.
"What's wrong?" he attempts carefully, and Heechul finches, Donghae, putting his head down again.
"You didn't hear from Jungsu?"
And Sungmin shakes his head. No, he didn't want to before, and he doesn't want to now. What must've been so hard that Jungsu, loud, talkative, bouncy Jungsu, found so hard to say? It must cut deep, hurt and pull at heart strings, for Jungsu to be unable to utter the words.
"What is it?" Heechul's flinch is a bit repressed, but Donghae's sigh is not.
"Hankyung filed a lawsuit," Heechul says, and Sungmin freezes. His breath just stops in his throat for a few seconds, and he has to remind himself to breathe.
"And?"
He tries for a steady voice, and it surprises him, how steady it is, how much it sounds like he doesn't care.
"It's--" Heechul tries to start, but the words get caught, and he coughs, his hands coming up to his face. Sungmin knows the gesture, and he pushes the tissue box towards him.
"He's filing a lawsuit; he's going to leave SME, he's going to leave us, and he's going to leave SJM."
Donghae says it all in a matter-of-fact voice, toneless and with no feelings, as if he's drained, too emotionless to bring himself to care anymore. Sungnin's hands clench on the edge of the seat, but he tries for some normalcy, so he breathes out.
"Is that all? Is that what everyone's so worried about? Hankyung is his own person, he can do whatever he wants -- we can't stop him. So why do you even care that he's doing this, why does it even matter? It doesn't concern him at all." Sungmin -- his heart clenches at the words, and he can feel how blunt and hurtful these blows must be, even as his eyes stay dry and his knuckles turn white with effort.
"Is that what you think?" Heechul asks thickly, his eyes hidden by his hair. "Is that what you really think? That Hankyung can just leave Super Junior and that that -- that that's it? That it doesn't matter to us, that it doesn't concern us because he's not a part of us? Do you not consider him family, your own blood brother and someone you would die for?"
Sungmin's scared of Heechul precisely for this; for Heechul is able to read him so well, to utter his innermost thoughts so blatantly and make them seem trivial or important, whichever way he's inclined, and Sungmin sets his jaw.
"We're not allowed to say what should happen. Excuse me," Sungmin says and stands, the chair sliding back with a scraping sound and Donghae barely stirring. "I'll be in my room."
The next few days, everyone's quiet.
Hyukjae and Jungsu continue Sukira as per usual, but they avoid questions and learn to speak with their voices unwavering as their tears flow -- there aren't pictures taken of them at the time. Everyone stays in the dorm, quiet strains of music coming from closed doors as they try to cope and maybe, sometimes, erase the memory of someone else from their minds.
On the fourth day, a call comes through on Sungmin's personal cell, and he picks it up without thinking.
"Hello?" he asks automatically, and there's the familiar static of an overseas call.
"Sungmin," the voice breathes, and suddenly his legs are buckling and the tears are coming -- he can't breathe, his throat closes up and it feels raw, raw from emotion, from missing someone he didn't even know he had been missing or wanting or had needed until now.
"Hankyung," he tries, but his voice breaks ever so slightly and Sungmin knows that Hankyung can pick it up.
"How -- how're you? How're the others?" Hankyung asks, as if this is the most normal conversation ever, and Sungmin's nervous laugh comes out.
"We're coping. Okay, I guess. Maybe. How're you, are you--" he hesitates, because there's always a reason for something like this. "Are you okay? Better?"
Hankyung's amused voice comes through, and Sungmin sits on his bed heavily. "Better, much. Thank you." Now there's hesitation, and Sungmin wonders if Hankyung's perfected the art of crying with a steady voice, because Sungmin hasn't.
"I called because. Because I was worried, and I wanted to try explain to you. Because you wouldn't judge me, or hate me, or jump to conclusions, and I thank you for that, now." The words are awkward on his lips, and even these few days have opened up a gap Sungmin isn't sure he can bridge.
"Yes?" Sungmin tries for breathing lighter, controlling his breathing, closing his eyes and putting a hand over his mouth.
"It's just -- I had to do this. For me. Just so that I know I can be okay, that this is still for me."
Sungmin nods unconsciously, knowing what he means, and he bites a knuckle before he tries for speaking.
"It's okay. We understand; we still love you."
We miss you.
He doesn't say that, but he does walk outside under cautious instructions, and hands the phone over to Jungsu, his part in this done.
-
When news of the lawsuit comes back, many of them are frozen still.
It comes in the form of their manager calling them up -- hello? Can you get Jungsu on? This is important -- and then a few minutes in the hallway, an utter quiet and stillness settling over the apartment.
Some of them are out, and not everyone is there, but the vast majority is, and Sungmin is pretending to be absorbed in trying to pour a glass of milk as slowly as possible.
When Jungsu comes back in, Heechul nods at him, and Sungmin's suddenly glad that Youngwoon isn't here to bombard Jungsu with questions.
"What was with that?" Heechul asks as he flicks through the TV channels, and Sungmin's hand stutters as he looks up and sees that Jungsu has visible tear tracks.
"Ah, it was, Uh." He's struggling to breathe, panting a bit, and Heechul hops up, pulls him to the sofa and sits him down.
"Are you okay?" Heechul can't pretend he isn't concerned now.
Jongwoon and Ryeowook emerge from their bedroom, and Shindong comes out of his.
"Jungsu-hyung?"
"It's. It's about Hankyung. Han Geng. Hankyung. He, ah, he..."
Sungmin can see how hard it is for Jungsu to say the words, and he retreats back to the kitchen, hoists himself up on the counter beside the abandoned milk, and counts down the minutes until someone comes home.
He must've fallen asleep, because Heechul is nudging his knee with a hand.
"Kid, time to go to bed." Sungmin checks the microwave -- 2am.
Everyone's asleep in the little floor in the living room; Ryeowook's head on Donghee's stomach, Jongwoon's hand curled around Jungsu's wrist, and Hyukjae with a foot over Youngwoon's. The only ones not asleep are Heechul, Donghae and Sungmin himself.
Donghae's sitting at the dining table, his head pillowed on his arms as he stares at the wall blankly. Sungmin taps his shoulder, and Donghae raises his head slightly, giving a small smile.
"Hey," he says quietly, and Sungmin's heart breaks to hear such a plaintive voice.
"Are you okay?" he asks automatically, and there's a crash from the kitchen.
They race in and some of them stir on the floor, but none move, and Sungmin and Donghae see Heechul, his hand above the sink with the empty glass rolling in the sink, the smell of off milk plaguing them.
"Sorry," he says, and Donghae leads him away, Sungmin washing down the
remaining milk and rinsing the cup.
He wonders what had happened to have them all sleeping in the one room, like the time before SJM had left, the night they'd returned, or the night before debut -- except Kyuhyun hadn't been there before, and Sungmin feels a bit sick at the thought of the 13 of them being separated.
"Sungmin?" Donghae's voice calls, and Sungmin wipes his hands, sitting across from them at the dining table. There's a memory somewhere under the surface involving report cards, but the two of them look tired, oh so tired, and Sungmin just wants to tuck them into bed, kiss them goodnight.
"What's wrong?" he attempts carefully, and Heechul finches, Donghae, putting his head down again.
"You didn't hear from Jungsu?"
And Sungmin shakes his head. No, he didn't want to before, and he doesn't want to now. What must've been so hard that Jungsu, loud, talkative, bouncy Jungsu, found so hard to say? It must cut deep, hurt and pull at heart strings, for Jungsu to be unable to utter the words.
"What is it?" Heechul's flinch is a bit repressed, but Donghae's sigh is not.
"Hankyung filed a lawsuit," Heechul says, and Sungmin freezes. His breath just stops in his throat for a few seconds, and he has to remind himself to breathe.
"And?"
He tries for a steady voice, and it surprises him, how steady it is, how much it sounds like he doesn't care.
"It's--" Heechul tries to start, but the words get caught, and he coughs, his hands coming up to his face. Sungmin knows the gesture, and he pushes the tissue box towards him.
"He's filing a lawsuit; he's going to leave SME, he's going to leave us, and he's going to leave SJM."
Donghae says it all in a matter-of-fact voice, toneless and with no feelings, as if he's drained, too emotionless to bring himself to care anymore. Sungnin's hands clench on the edge of the seat, but he tries for some normalcy, so he breathes out.
"Is that all? Is that what everyone's so worried about? Hankyung is his own person, he can do whatever he wants -- we can't stop him. So why do you even care that he's doing this, why does it even matter? It doesn't concern him at all." Sungmin -- his heart clenches at the words, and he can feel how blunt and hurtful these blows must be, even as his eyes stay dry and his knuckles turn white with effort.
"Is that what you think?" Heechul asks thickly, his eyes hidden by his hair. "Is that what you really think? That Hankyung can just leave Super Junior and that that -- that that's it? That it doesn't matter to us, that it doesn't concern us because he's not a part of us? Do you not consider him family, your own blood brother and someone you would die for?"
Sungmin's scared of Heechul precisely for this; for Heechul is able to read him so well, to utter his innermost thoughts so blatantly and make them seem trivial or important, whichever way he's inclined, and Sungmin sets his jaw.
"We're not allowed to say what should happen. Excuse me," Sungmin says and stands, the chair sliding back with a scraping sound and Donghae barely stirring. "I'll be in my room."
The next few days, everyone's quiet.
Hyukjae and Jungsu continue Sukira as per usual, but they avoid questions and learn to speak with their voices unwavering as their tears flow -- there aren't pictures taken of them at the time. Everyone stays in the dorm, quiet strains of music coming from closed doors as they try to cope and maybe, sometimes, erase the memory of someone else from their minds.
On the fourth day, a call comes through on Sungmin's personal cell, and he picks it up without thinking.
"Hello?" he asks automatically, and there's the familiar static of an overseas call.
"Sungmin," the voice breathes, and suddenly his legs are buckling and the tears are coming -- he can't breathe, his throat closes up and it feels raw, raw from emotion, from missing someone he didn't even know he had been missing or wanting or had needed until now.
"Hankyung," he tries, but his voice breaks ever so slightly and Sungmin knows that Hankyung can pick it up.
"How -- how're you? How're the others?" Hankyung asks, as if this is the most normal conversation ever, and Sungmin's nervous laugh comes out.
"We're coping. Okay, I guess. Maybe. How're you, are you--" he hesitates, because there's always a reason for something like this. "Are you okay? Better?"
Hankyung's amused voice comes through, and Sungmin sits on his bed heavily. "Better, much. Thank you." Now there's hesitation, and Sungmin wonders if Hankyung's perfected the art of crying with a steady voice, because Sungmin hasn't.
"I called because. Because I was worried, and I wanted to try explain to you. Because you wouldn't judge me, or hate me, or jump to conclusions, and I thank you for that, now." The words are awkward on his lips, and even these few days have opened up a gap Sungmin isn't sure he can bridge.
"Yes?" Sungmin tries for breathing lighter, controlling his breathing, closing his eyes and putting a hand over his mouth.
"It's just -- I had to do this. For me. Just so that I know I can be okay, that this is still for me."
Sungmin nods unconsciously, knowing what he means, and he bites a knuckle before he tries for speaking.
"It's okay. We understand; we still love you."
We miss you.
He doesn't say that, but he does walk outside under cautious instructions, and hands the phone over to Jungsu, his part in this done.