mostly what i need from you 1 (lotrips, pg)
Mostly What I Need From You
*
Of all of them, Dominic is the honest one. Billy is too kind to say a harsh word to anyone. Sean Astin is too self-critical to ever analyze anyone else. Ian is too classy to evaluate anyone aloud. Sean Bean is too laid back to review things. Orlando has no critical capacity to speak of. John digresses into stories about his own filming experiences and never gets around to giving his views on anything that's happened within the last decade or so. And Viggo thinks everything is a valid artistic choice. Plus his poetry kind of sucks so no one fully trusts his opinion anyway.
Elijah himself is too diplomatic to judge others, or maybe, just possibly, too much of a pussy to ever say what he really thinks.
Dominic, however, exists at some Zen point where intelligence, attention, youthful optimism, high standards and lack of tact intersect to create a fussy, finicky, impossibly exacting opinion-dispensing machine. And his otherwise loyal, affectionate, adoring friendship doesn't seem to interfere at all with his relentlessly carping appraisals.
No one can stand to be petty and point out to Dom that his own career and performances don't exactly represent a zenith in thespian craft and entertainment. It's inevitable that they want to, though, and that is how it finally comes to everyone's notice that Elijah has been the only one of them to escape Dom's trenchant scrutiny.
*
"He said Troy was crap," Orlando complains loudly into Elijah's ear.
Elijah made the mistake of giving Orlando an ultra cool, tiny, thin, WAP-enabled cellphone for his last birthday. Orlando constantly turns on the GPS locator by accident, and he always shouts when he talks on it because the phone is so small that the receiver can't possibly reach his lips, and Orlando is unable to grasp that a cellphone capable of tracing him anywhere in the world down to a quarter-square-mile can probably pick up his voice just fine, even when the little holes are a whopping three inches from his mouth.
For the next major holiday, Elijah plans to get Orlando another cellphone, maybe one of those flip-open models with rhinestones on it that doubles as a mirrored compact.
In the meantime, "He told me you were very lucky to work with Wolfgang Petersen," Elijah offers.
"He asked me how I liked being in Wolfgang Petersen's worst ever film," Orlando retorts. "Did you know Wolf made a film once called Enemy Mine? It's about an alien and a human trapped together on this deserted planet, and against all odds they become best friends."
"I think I missed that one." Elijah says dutifully. "Sounds, uh, interesting."
"It sounds like shite," corrects Orlando. "But apparently it's better than Troy."
"Dom was probably just kidding around."
"No, Lijah, he actually compared Troy to this Enemy Mine thing, point by bloody point. As well as some other of Wolf's pictures-- he made a thriller called Shattered about a bloke with amnesia, for fuck's sake, but according to Dom, it 'had a more solid narrative arc' than Troy."
"He doesn't mean anything by it. You know how he is," says Elijah.
"Yeah. I know how he is. And Bean knows how he is, cos Dom didn't spare him when he had a go at Troy. We all know how he is. Even Billy knows how he is. Except you. You don't know how he is, cos he's never slagged off anything you've done, has he."
"Of course he has. He's always giving me shit about Flipper and Deep Impact and all that stuff--"
"That's just messing about," Orlando says. "That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it."
"What can I do about it?" Elijah shrugs. "I can't help what he decides to go off on."
"Yeah, but you're the only one who can tell him to shut his face without coming off as vindictive," Orlando says, with such refined logic that Elijah instantly knows this is actually coming from Ian, who as well as being classy is subtle and cunning and manipulative and really fucking cool.
"Ian put you up to this," Elijah blurts, because unfortunately he's not subtle, cunning or fucking cool at all.
"It's not just Ian, Lijah. It's all of us. Look, we all love Dom to bits and we know he doesn't mean any harm, but if he carries on bollocking everyone's work, well... it's just a bit hard on the ego, innit? We all get enough of that from the industry. Who wants it from their friends?"
Elijah frowns. "Well... what do you want me to do?"
"We've all tried hinting and it doesn't seem to do any good. So just give him a little taste of his own medicine," Orlando suggests, and it's such a good idea that Elijah knows it must be Ian's or John's or Bean's. "Have a look at something he's done and then tell him everything you hate about it."
"But I don't do that!"
"Well-- ring the rest of us if you need help, I'm sure we can pitch in..."
"No. Wait. I have to do this because Dom's never talked shit about my work, right? So if he ever did, I could bail on it just like the rest of you."
"He hasn't yet," Orlando says, "so why would he start now?"
"Because," Elijah says grimly, "I'm going to sit him down and make him watch North."
He hangs up on Orlando, confident that Orli won't be able to figure out how to look up Elijah's number again and call him back any time soon.
*
*
Of all of them, Dominic is the honest one. Billy is too kind to say a harsh word to anyone. Sean Astin is too self-critical to ever analyze anyone else. Ian is too classy to evaluate anyone aloud. Sean Bean is too laid back to review things. Orlando has no critical capacity to speak of. John digresses into stories about his own filming experiences and never gets around to giving his views on anything that's happened within the last decade or so. And Viggo thinks everything is a valid artistic choice. Plus his poetry kind of sucks so no one fully trusts his opinion anyway.
Elijah himself is too diplomatic to judge others, or maybe, just possibly, too much of a pussy to ever say what he really thinks.
Dominic, however, exists at some Zen point where intelligence, attention, youthful optimism, high standards and lack of tact intersect to create a fussy, finicky, impossibly exacting opinion-dispensing machine. And his otherwise loyal, affectionate, adoring friendship doesn't seem to interfere at all with his relentlessly carping appraisals.
No one can stand to be petty and point out to Dom that his own career and performances don't exactly represent a zenith in thespian craft and entertainment. It's inevitable that they want to, though, and that is how it finally comes to everyone's notice that Elijah has been the only one of them to escape Dom's trenchant scrutiny.
*
"He said Troy was crap," Orlando complains loudly into Elijah's ear.
Elijah made the mistake of giving Orlando an ultra cool, tiny, thin, WAP-enabled cellphone for his last birthday. Orlando constantly turns on the GPS locator by accident, and he always shouts when he talks on it because the phone is so small that the receiver can't possibly reach his lips, and Orlando is unable to grasp that a cellphone capable of tracing him anywhere in the world down to a quarter-square-mile can probably pick up his voice just fine, even when the little holes are a whopping three inches from his mouth.
For the next major holiday, Elijah plans to get Orlando another cellphone, maybe one of those flip-open models with rhinestones on it that doubles as a mirrored compact.
In the meantime, "He told me you were very lucky to work with Wolfgang Petersen," Elijah offers.
"He asked me how I liked being in Wolfgang Petersen's worst ever film," Orlando retorts. "Did you know Wolf made a film once called Enemy Mine? It's about an alien and a human trapped together on this deserted planet, and against all odds they become best friends."
"I think I missed that one." Elijah says dutifully. "Sounds, uh, interesting."
"It sounds like shite," corrects Orlando. "But apparently it's better than Troy."
"Dom was probably just kidding around."
"No, Lijah, he actually compared Troy to this Enemy Mine thing, point by bloody point. As well as some other of Wolf's pictures-- he made a thriller called Shattered about a bloke with amnesia, for fuck's sake, but according to Dom, it 'had a more solid narrative arc' than Troy."
"He doesn't mean anything by it. You know how he is," says Elijah.
"Yeah. I know how he is. And Bean knows how he is, cos Dom didn't spare him when he had a go at Troy. We all know how he is. Even Billy knows how he is. Except you. You don't know how he is, cos he's never slagged off anything you've done, has he."
"Of course he has. He's always giving me shit about Flipper and Deep Impact and all that stuff--"
"That's just messing about," Orlando says. "That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it."
"What can I do about it?" Elijah shrugs. "I can't help what he decides to go off on."
"Yeah, but you're the only one who can tell him to shut his face without coming off as vindictive," Orlando says, with such refined logic that Elijah instantly knows this is actually coming from Ian, who as well as being classy is subtle and cunning and manipulative and really fucking cool.
"Ian put you up to this," Elijah blurts, because unfortunately he's not subtle, cunning or fucking cool at all.
"It's not just Ian, Lijah. It's all of us. Look, we all love Dom to bits and we know he doesn't mean any harm, but if he carries on bollocking everyone's work, well... it's just a bit hard on the ego, innit? We all get enough of that from the industry. Who wants it from their friends?"
Elijah frowns. "Well... what do you want me to do?"
"We've all tried hinting and it doesn't seem to do any good. So just give him a little taste of his own medicine," Orlando suggests, and it's such a good idea that Elijah knows it must be Ian's or John's or Bean's. "Have a look at something he's done and then tell him everything you hate about it."
"But I don't do that!"
"Well-- ring the rest of us if you need help, I'm sure we can pitch in..."
"No. Wait. I have to do this because Dom's never talked shit about my work, right? So if he ever did, I could bail on it just like the rest of you."
"He hasn't yet," Orlando says, "so why would he start now?"
"Because," Elijah says grimly, "I'm going to sit him down and make him watch North."
He hangs up on Orlando, confident that Orli won't be able to figure out how to look up Elijah's number again and call him back any time soon.
*