Burnt toast and parent child communication
Its been quite a few months since I read Between Parent and Child, but I still think of it often. This excerpt from a parents' discussion group has made a big impact on me:
LEADER: Suppose it is one of those mornings when everything seems to go wrong. The telephone rings, the baby cries, and before you know it, the toast is burnt. Your spouse looks over the toaster and says: "Good grief! When will you learn to make toast?!" What is your reaction?
A: I would throw the toast in his face!
B: I would say, "Fix your own darn toast!"
C: I would be so hurt I could only cry.
LEADER: What would your spouse's words make you feel toward him or her?
PARENTS: Anger, hate, resentment.
LEADER: Would it be easy for you to fix another batch of toast?
A: Only if I could put some poison in it!
LEADER: And how would you feel about your day?
A: The whole day would be ruined!
LEADER: Suppose that the situation is the same: The toast is burnt. But your spouse, looking over the situation, says, "Gee, honey, it's a rough morning for you - the baby, the phone, and now the toast."
B: I would feel wonderful!
C: I would feel so good I would hug him and kiss him.
LEADER: Why? That baby is still crying and the toast is still burnt?
PARENTS: That wouldn't matter.
LEADER What would make the difference?
A: You would feel grateful that you were not criticized.
LEADER: And what kind of day would you have?
C: A cheerful and happy one.
LEADER: Let me know give you a third scenario. Your spouse looks over the burnt toast and says to you calmly, "Let me show you, honey, how to make toast."
B: Oh, no. That's even worse than the first one. Now I'd feel stupid.
LEADER: Let's see how these three different approaches to the toast incident apply to our handling of children.
A: I see what you're driving at. I always say to my child, "You are old enough to know this, you are old enough to know that." It must make my child furious. It usually does.
B: I always say to my daughter, "Let me show you how to do this or that."
C: I'm so used to being criticized that it comes naturally to me. I use exactly the same words my mother used against me when I was a child. And I hated her for it. I never did anything right, and she always made me do things over.
LEADER: And you now find yourself using the same words with your daughter?
C: Yes. I don't like it at all. I don't like myself when I do.
LEADER: Let's see what we can learn from the burnt-toast story. What is it that helped change the mean feelings to loving ones?
B: The fact that somebody understood you.
C: Without blaming you.
A: And without telling you how to improve.
Tonight as I was laying in bed with Elena at bedtime, she said "Nana sad". She didn't appear sad to me and I was impatient for her to settle down to sleep. I said, "Elena is happy now. Time for sleep". The reply came "Nana sad". I insisted she wasn't sad and we went back and forth about it several times. I finally asked, "Elena is sad?". She said "yes" and that was it. She was satisfied that she had communicated her point and needed nothing further. She quieted down immediately. Then a moment later she said "kyou" (thank you).
Even though this is such a simple idea, I have to re-learn it all the time. It was a break-through for me to see through the burnt toast story that a child reacts just as strongly to chastisement and being told how to feel as an adult does. Now when one of my kids comes to me with a struggle, I try to remember to listen, validate and -this is key- encourage them to come up with their own solution. I've been able to find out that they usually don't come to me looking for my brilliant solutions anyway - they just want to let me know what they are going through, to give them a love and then they are able to problem-solve on their own. Mila was having a hard time with something the other day - I don't even remember what it was anymore, but she was in tears. I just remember thinking it was silly and my first instinct was to tell her to brush it off. Instead I sat and listened, repeated back what she had said and told her that I love her. In return, I got a hug and a kiss and she happily trotted off to play again. Sometimes it is necessary to help more than that, but most of the time that does the trick.
I love that when Gilbert and I catch each other being too overbearing with our kids (or each other) we can just say "burnt toast" and remember that important lesson.
LEADER: Suppose it is one of those mornings when everything seems to go wrong. The telephone rings, the baby cries, and before you know it, the toast is burnt. Your spouse looks over the toaster and says: "Good grief! When will you learn to make toast?!" What is your reaction?
A: I would throw the toast in his face!
B: I would say, "Fix your own darn toast!"
C: I would be so hurt I could only cry.
LEADER: What would your spouse's words make you feel toward him or her?
PARENTS: Anger, hate, resentment.
LEADER: Would it be easy for you to fix another batch of toast?
A: Only if I could put some poison in it!
LEADER: And how would you feel about your day?
A: The whole day would be ruined!
LEADER: Suppose that the situation is the same: The toast is burnt. But your spouse, looking over the situation, says, "Gee, honey, it's a rough morning for you - the baby, the phone, and now the toast."
B: I would feel wonderful!
C: I would feel so good I would hug him and kiss him.
LEADER: Why? That baby is still crying and the toast is still burnt?
PARENTS: That wouldn't matter.
LEADER What would make the difference?
A: You would feel grateful that you were not criticized.
LEADER: And what kind of day would you have?
C: A cheerful and happy one.
LEADER: Let me know give you a third scenario. Your spouse looks over the burnt toast and says to you calmly, "Let me show you, honey, how to make toast."
B: Oh, no. That's even worse than the first one. Now I'd feel stupid.
LEADER: Let's see how these three different approaches to the toast incident apply to our handling of children.
A: I see what you're driving at. I always say to my child, "You are old enough to know this, you are old enough to know that." It must make my child furious. It usually does.
B: I always say to my daughter, "Let me show you how to do this or that."
C: I'm so used to being criticized that it comes naturally to me. I use exactly the same words my mother used against me when I was a child. And I hated her for it. I never did anything right, and she always made me do things over.
LEADER: And you now find yourself using the same words with your daughter?
C: Yes. I don't like it at all. I don't like myself when I do.
LEADER: Let's see what we can learn from the burnt-toast story. What is it that helped change the mean feelings to loving ones?
B: The fact that somebody understood you.
C: Without blaming you.
A: And without telling you how to improve.
Tonight as I was laying in bed with Elena at bedtime, she said "Nana sad". She didn't appear sad to me and I was impatient for her to settle down to sleep. I said, "Elena is happy now. Time for sleep". The reply came "Nana sad". I insisted she wasn't sad and we went back and forth about it several times. I finally asked, "Elena is sad?". She said "yes" and that was it. She was satisfied that she had communicated her point and needed nothing further. She quieted down immediately. Then a moment later she said "kyou" (thank you).
Even though this is such a simple idea, I have to re-learn it all the time. It was a break-through for me to see through the burnt toast story that a child reacts just as strongly to chastisement and being told how to feel as an adult does. Now when one of my kids comes to me with a struggle, I try to remember to listen, validate and -this is key- encourage them to come up with their own solution. I've been able to find out that they usually don't come to me looking for my brilliant solutions anyway - they just want to let me know what they are going through, to give them a love and then they are able to problem-solve on their own. Mila was having a hard time with something the other day - I don't even remember what it was anymore, but she was in tears. I just remember thinking it was silly and my first instinct was to tell her to brush it off. Instead I sat and listened, repeated back what she had said and told her that I love her. In return, I got a hug and a kiss and she happily trotted off to play again. Sometimes it is necessary to help more than that, but most of the time that does the trick.
I love that when Gilbert and I catch each other being too overbearing with our kids (or each other) we can just say "burnt toast" and remember that important lesson.