Woman of a Certain Age
I've never been this age before.
This age of not being the target demographic; this age of not being pretty, just good-looking for my age; this age of looking tired not because I haven't slept well for a few nights but realizing looking tired is really just my face aging; this age of not caring what people think of me; this age of walking away from conversations that I don't feel like having; this age of not apologizing for things anymore; this age of wisdom and humor and wishing I could do it all again knowing what I know now.
I have led a life trying not to do boring, ordinary jobs and I have, for a large part, succeeded. I have lived a life leaning into fear. Fear makes me angry so if I notice myself avoiding something, I get mad and seek that activity out instead. I have been a ski instructor, swim instructor, swim coach, sign language interpreter, technical director of a theater, art teacher, high school technical theater teacher, costume designer, theater set designer, professional photographer, actor, writer and mother during my life and I still haven't decided what I will be when I grow up.
I am amazed at the fluidity of time and how it can feel so fast and slow at the same time. I am worried that the future is not promised and it can all come to a stop tomorrow but I plan for the future anyway.
My life is a constant struggle between reality and trying to find a deeper philosophy. It's hard to consider the universe when the bathroom sink decides to start leaking or the children are sick or the bills need to get paid.
But in the car alone, when my mind ranges over philosophy and the concept of reality, I have flashes of expansion where I can see the connection of everyone and the insignificance of the short time I have on this planet and I find that comforting.
There's so much left to do...can't wait to see what happens next.
This age of not being the target demographic; this age of not being pretty, just good-looking for my age; this age of looking tired not because I haven't slept well for a few nights but realizing looking tired is really just my face aging; this age of not caring what people think of me; this age of walking away from conversations that I don't feel like having; this age of not apologizing for things anymore; this age of wisdom and humor and wishing I could do it all again knowing what I know now.
I have led a life trying not to do boring, ordinary jobs and I have, for a large part, succeeded. I have lived a life leaning into fear. Fear makes me angry so if I notice myself avoiding something, I get mad and seek that activity out instead. I have been a ski instructor, swim instructor, swim coach, sign language interpreter, technical director of a theater, art teacher, high school technical theater teacher, costume designer, theater set designer, professional photographer, actor, writer and mother during my life and I still haven't decided what I will be when I grow up.
I am amazed at the fluidity of time and how it can feel so fast and slow at the same time. I am worried that the future is not promised and it can all come to a stop tomorrow but I plan for the future anyway.
My life is a constant struggle between reality and trying to find a deeper philosophy. It's hard to consider the universe when the bathroom sink decides to start leaking or the children are sick or the bills need to get paid.
But in the car alone, when my mind ranges over philosophy and the concept of reality, I have flashes of expansion where I can see the connection of everyone and the insignificance of the short time I have on this planet and I find that comforting.
There's so much left to do...can't wait to see what happens next.