Love's Austere and Lonely Offices
SUMMARY: Write when you can. Pictures attached.
RATING: PG-13 (language)
SPOILERS: Season 9
DISCLAIMER: Sorry Chris. I know they're yours, but no one's paying me and I'm playing nice with them today. Please don't sue.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thanks a million to Scarletb for looking this over while on her vacation. I couldn't bear the thought of their only communication in all that time being the "Dearest Dana" letters. (Which I added to just a teeny-weeny bit. Also added a little to Scully's Carterlogue to William.)
Scully quotes from (what else?) Moby Dick and Mulder from The Divine Comedy. The title is from Those Winter Sundays by Robert Hayden. Fe3O4 is magnetite and R2NCl is chloramine. I know my little ads are cryptic, so there's an addendum at the end for those interested parties.
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Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, May 26 2001
In this world, shipmates, Sin that pays its way can travel freely, and without a passport; whereas Virtue, if a pauper, is stopped at all frontiers.
R2NCl + H2O = Bellefleur + Braddock Heights?
So claims a woman with node at C5
****
Ad placed in the Washington Times Classified section, May 29 2001
These have not the hope to die.
Developments? Nothing on my end.
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 18 Jun 2001
Things are calm for now and hopefully communication can be somewhat regular for a time. I have a cash-under-the-table job at the moment and it covers basic needs. I know you wanted to come, but this is no life for a child. I will be home as soon as I am able. I know that goes without saying, but it makes me feel better to say it anyway.
I have to go now. Tell me about William.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 18 Jun 2001
Mulder,
It's so good to hear from you, you have no idea. Have you made any progress yet? There have been strange goings-on since you left, but I don't know what to make of any of it. I don't know whom to trust right now and just tell everyone I cannot contact you. I have not been able to make any sense of my last inquiry and am at a standstill. Please tell me everything you discover and let me know what I can do. Don't leave me in the dark on this, Mulder. You can't protect us that way. Let me be of use.
Things are fine here. William eats well and sleeps less well, but I nap when I can. He's growing nicely and can focus his eyes for very long periods already and tracks objects at two feet away. His head control is excellent and he is already making deliberate reaches for objects rather than just grasping reflexively. He makes a gurgling sound if I run my finger up the midline of his foot. In addition to snapshots and videos, I have been keeping a journal of all of his changes for when you get back. My mother helps as much as she can but the truth is I prefer to be alone. She wants to talk, and doesn't understand that I just can't right now. I think she's afraid of the quiet and fills it up with noise. She talks to me but doesn't say anything. You know how to let me be silent, Mulder. I miss that.
Frohike says William looks like me and Byers says he looks like you and Langly says he looks like Jack Ruby. Which is pretty much what you'd expect to hear from the three of them.
Write when you can. Pictures attached.
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 22 Jun 2001
He still looks like Skinner to me, your feeble protestations of fidelity aside. He's got your eyes, Scully, and I wonder whose warped sense of humor he's going to claim. I'm not surprised he's ahead of the developmental curve. You read him Brian Greene while you were pregnant. That sets the bar rather high for a baby.
Let your mother in. You're all she has nearby and she won't forgive herself for everything that's happened if you don't. Smile and nod, Scully. You do it better than anyone I know.
Learn to let people love you.
I haven't found much yet because I don't even know what the hell I'm looking for.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 23 Jun 2001
We can only hope that his sense of humor is all his own. I think our particular brand of amusement wouldn't go over too well with the preschool set. Can you imagine Career Day, Mulder? We're going to have to be vague.
Pictures of William attached, including one of him eating my hair. Have to run.
Stay safe.
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 28 Jun 2001
We'd be a hit at Career Day. You could tell them about your Invisible Guy Autopsy. And you know all the kids would want to hear about my time in low orbit.
I'm leaving here soon, so it may be a while before I contact you again. Thank you for the pictures. I cannot believe how William has grown. He looks like his own man now instead of just a newborn. I know I once said I never saw you as a mother before, but I must not have been paying attention.
You're beautiful, Scully. I miss you both constantly.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 29 Jun 2001
Mulder,
I hope nothing serious has happened to necessitate this move and that you have made some headway. I am still having no luck. I'm going to start teaching at Quantico soon. I feel like I'm abandoning you in some way, Mulder. Abandoning our work. But I can't do field work like I used to - not with William - and Doggett and Reyes are doing a good job. I think you'd be impressed.
William has been going to sleep at around 10 at night and sleeping until 6 or so. He is such an easy baby and already a hit with the ladies. I bring him to work sometimes and he's quite popular. Skinner gave him a stuffed McGruff the Crime Dog, but he prefers the doll you gave him and sleeps with it now. He's still rather small for the basketball, but that was never my sport anyway. I played field hockey, so free-throw instruction falls to you.
Attached is a video of William laying on Skinner's desk.
Stay safe.
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 19 Jul 2001
He spit up on Skinner's desk? I could watch that all day. You're damned lucky it wasn't Kersh's or you'd be freezing your ass off in a Minnesota field office right now. And of course he's a hit with the ladies, Scully. Not everyone's as hard of a sell on the Mulder men as you. I made it to Wal-Mart and printed out some of those pictures you sent. Keep them coming.
Don't ever feel like you're abandoning the work. The most important thing is that you and William stay safe and chasing mutants and government conspirators isn't really conducive to that. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that you're okay. The job at Quantico will be good for you both.
I'm doing a little air guitar of "Hot For Teacher" right now…
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 23 Jul 2001
Mulder,
I'm sorry it has taken me a bit to get back to you. My mother and I took William to the beach for a couple of days. I dipped his feet in the surf and I was reminded that seawater has a similar chemical makeup to both blood and amniotic fluid. We crawled from those primordial seas so many millions of years ago and carry some of it inside of us to this day. I know you get seasick, but I think we are hardwired to crave the ocean and I want to take William sailing when he's older. I think he has the genes for it. You may not be a sailor, Mulder, but you know the unquenchable lure of the unknown and thrill of riding out a storm.
I had a good time with my mom and tried to do as you suggested. She asked after you and I am confident that whatever else she thinks of my life, she accepts that you're an integral part of it.
I start teaching next month and I must confess to some anxiety. It has been so long since I stood in front of a lecture hall. I've gotten used to an audience of one for my technical soliloquies.
And Van Halen, Mulder? Really? What happened to the King?
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 4 Aug 2001
Was it Chincoteague, Scully? It's right around Pony Penning Day, isn't it? When he's bigger we'll get a place out in the country and let him pick out a pony of his own. And hell, I'll take some Dramamine and we'll all go sailing too.
Get out your list-making paper and get to work. I'll be back soon and we'll have the rest of our lives to get it done.
P.S. - I always kind of got turned on by your technical soliloquies, so you may want to be careful around some of your more discriminating students.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 5 Aug 2001
Mulder,
We went to Assateague, actually, but he did see the ponies and we found horseshoe crabs washed up on the shore. Despite 445 million years of existence, they've scarcely changed at all. It makes you think, I suppose. All the work we humans do to better ourselves and horseshoe crabs have attained perfection.
And a pony?! That's a pretty heavy upgrade from your fish. I was thinking we could move more slowly from Cyprinidae to Perissodactyla. Perhaps a stop at Rodentia would be appropriate if you want to venture into mammalian territory. (Are you getting turned on by this?)
William holds his head up and looks around without any trouble at all. He wants desperately to sit up and is so frustrated that he can't manage it yet.
Any news?
****
Ad placed in the Washington Times Classified section, August 13, 2001
For where the instrument of intelligence is added to brute power and evil will, mankind is powerless in its own defense.
Fe3O4 + R2NCl = ?
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, August 15, 2001
And some certain significance lurks in all things, else all things are little worth...
I'll let you know if I hear anything.
****
E-Mail From: knitterific@earthlink.net
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 20 Aug 2001
Let me know if we can move lunch on Wednesday to 12:30. I printed out pictures from our trip and made you some copies. I will bring William's Celeste Sun toy with me at lunch if that's okay with you.
Charlie, Larissa and the kids are coming in for Christmas this year. Talk to you soon.
Mom
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E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: knitterific@earthlink.net
Date: 21 Aug 2001
Mom,
That would be fine. Thank you for printing the pictures for me, and William will be fine without Celeste until Wednesday.
****
Letter received on September 8, 2001
William Mulder
107 E. Cordova St. Apt. 35
Washington, DC., 01833
8-14-01
Dear William,
I can only hope this finds its way to you but even if it doesn't, it's something I had to get on paper. Walking away from you and your mother is the single most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I did it for reasons that I tell myself are right and noble, so why do I feel like I've let you both down? All I want is for you to be safe and I tell myself that leaving and searching for answers is the best way to do that. But the truth is, William, that your old man isn't making much headway here. Your mother sends me pictures and videos of you and sometimes at night I can close my eyes and recall your new-earthling smell.
But it's not the same.
I know your mother and I know that every night she shows you my picture and tells you I'll be home soon. I don't want to make a liar of her and I promise you both I'm doing the best I can. Every day I fight the urge to let this all go and come home, but I feel I have more to accomplish before I return. One day I hope you will understand all of this. One day I hope I will.
I have no real wisdom to offer you, but let me at least tell you this. I have made many mistakes in my life, but through them all, I have tried to do what I feel is honest. And I have learned - as you doubtlessly will - that the right thing is not often the easy thing. I don't know what this world is going to be like when you are older or what role you will have in it, but to thine own self be true, William.
I hope to see you soon. And in case your mother forgets to tell you:
Elvis > Three Dog Night
Hips before hands
The Knicks will always be better than the Miami Heat
Love,
Your father
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 12 Sep 2001
Scully, let me know you're okay. I know you don't work at the Pentagon, but please check in.
On the move again, but will write as soon as possible.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 13 Sep 2001
Mulder,
We are fine and no one we know was hurt. While it feels as though the world is falling apart, knowing you're okay gives me something to hang on to. There's a long line of people waiting for this computer so I must run, but I got your letter to William.
Be careful.
We miss you.
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, September 17, 2001
There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke…
Quantum suicide?
****
Ad placed in the Washington Times Classified section, September 18, 2001
And downward to the secret things we went
Biloxi MI - 6/ 86
Camden NJ - 11/91
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 20 Sep 2001
Mulder,
Thank you for your help on the case. Do you have any updates on your end? Not much to tell here. I'm enjoying teaching very much; the students are so engaged and interested. It's a nice change from the endless parade of world-weary cops and agents. Were we ever that fresh-faced and eager?
Thinking of you and aching to see you.
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 23 Sep 2001
It is no longer safe for me to contact you.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 24 Sep 2001
Mulder,
What's going on? Please find a way to let me know what's happening.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 13 Oct 2001
Mulder,
William and I baked a cake and we sang Happy Birthday to your picture. We went shopping for presents and William picked out an oven mitt. I tried to steer him towards the Yankees DVD collection, but he was adamant that you needed protective gear. I have begun to entertain theories of genetic memory.
Please let us know you're all right.
Many happy returns of the day.
****
E-Mail From: rocbronzin@rutgers.edu
To: dana_scully@fbi.gov
Date: 17 Oct 2001
Hey there partner.
Wanted to thank you again for the CPR. They don't really cover that in entomology doctoral programs though, so I'm hard pressed to return the favor. I know you're a mother but I assume you still eat so let me know if you want to grab a bite next time I'm in DC.
****
E-Mail From: dana_scully@fbi.gov
To: rocbronzin@rutgers.edu
Date: 19 Oct 2001
Dr. Bronzino,
Thank you very much for the offer, but it would not be appropriate at this time.
Dana Scully
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E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 25 Oct 2001
Mulder,
I know you can't tell me where you are and I am trying to respect what you're doing but this feels impossible sometimes. Not everything has to be a crusade, does it? You wanted to find your sister and while it wasn't the resolution you wanted, you found out the truth. Isn't that enough? We can have a life now. We have a son who needs both of his parents. Let this go, Mulder.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 4 Nov 2001
Mulder,
I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't even know if you're alive. Attached are pictures of William in his Halloween costume. He went as a skunk and can sit up perfectly.
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, November 21, 2001
Lost:
Norwegian Elkhound
Answers to Heinrich
Come home, Heinrich
We miss you
****
December 3, 2001
Mulder,
I am so concerned for your safety right now that it is overwhelming. I am trying not to be angry with you - truly I am - but it isn't easy. I know what you've told me, I know we discussed all of this and I know we agreed it was for the best, but the reality is proving far different than the theory. As a scientist, I ought to have expected it and yet I was completely blindsided.
I asked you once years ago if we could just get out of the car and you looked at me like I was crazy and you kept driving. And I stayed. Hundreds of thousands of miles I've traveled with you, Mulder. Endless black ribbons of highways full of nightmares and lost souls and we went after them with badges and guns because we had a job to do.
But I'm asking you now - not as your partner, but as the mother of your child - to get out of the goddamned car. I can't live like this anymore, Mulder, and I will not subject William to it.
I love you but I cannot do this for the rest of my life.
I have nowhere to send this letter.
****
December 15, 2001
Mulder,
William said "Da" when he saw your picture today. I have a video.
****
E-Mail From: phishphood66@yahoo.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 20 Dec 2001
Hey Danes -
Our gang's catching an earlier flight from Puerto Vallarta and I wanted to see if you'd be free for dinner. I'm trusting you to pick a not-shitty restaurant because last time I left it up to Bill he said he knew of a "really good Italian place" and took us to the fucking Olive Garden and I swear to God Tara put some of those breadsticks in her purse.
Can't wait to meet my new nephew (you have a kid, Danes!) and see if either of my rugrats is taller than you yet. They're growing like weeds and Larissa's firm is keeping us in Mexico until the resort's finished, so they're all sun-kissed and blonde and I'm mostly a giant freckle.
Mom specifically told me not to ask about William's father, so I'm asking. This Fox guy…what's up with him? Is he good to you? Bill paints him as a kind of Anton LeVay meets Forrest Gump character, but Bill thinks condoms are Satan's party balloons, so what the hell does he know about relationships?
I'm bringing a case of fine champanya to ring in the new year.
Charlie
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E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: phishphood66@yahoo.com
Date: 20 Dec 2001
Charlie,
I can't wait to see you all! It's been far too long since your jet-setting crew has ventured this way. Things with William's father are complicated, but it's due to factors beyond either of our control. I don't mean to be curt, but that's all I can say right now.
Dinner would be great. William still doesn't go to bed until fairly late and can be kept happy with a steady supply of food. He has an excellent pincer grasp.
Did Bill really take you to the Olive Garden? That's classic.
****
December 31, 2001
Mulder,
We celebrated Christmas at my mother's and Bill and Charlie and their families flew in. I have lots of pictures to show you of all of the kids together. William is babbling like a champion and I gave him a crayon to draw a picture for you on the back of this card, so turn it over. I remember New Year's Eve two years ago. Zombies, Mulder. And then you kissed me and here I am wishing maybe the world had ended after all because I'm remembering zombies with fondness and what the hell is wrong with my life and my God I miss you.
There was half a bottle of champagne left and now I'm drunk.
Happy New Year
Putting this card with your other unsent mail.
****
January 1, 2002
Dear William,
One day, you'll ask me to speak of a truth - of the miracle of your birth. To explain what is unexplained. And if I falter or fail on this day, know there is an answer, my child, a sacred imperishable truth, but one you may never hope to find alone. Chance meeting your perfect other, your perfect opposite, your protector and endangerer. Chance embarking with this other on the greatest of journeys; a search for truths fugitive and imponderable. If one day this chance may befall you, my son, do not fail or falter to seize it. The truths are out there. And if one day you should behold a miracle, as I have in you, you will learn the truth is not found in science, or on some unseen plane, but by looking into your own heart. And in that moment you will be blessed - and stricken. For the truest truths are what hold us together, or keep us painfully, desperately apart.
Know this, William, for it is the most important thing I can hope to teach you: It is not a weakness to love someone. There may come a time when it will be the only strength you have.
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 07 Jan 2002
Dearest Dana
I've resisted contacting you for reasons I know you continue to appreciate. But, to be honest, some unexpected dimensions of my new life are eating away at any resolve I have left. I'm lonely, Dana, uncertain of my ability to live like this. I want to come home. To you, and to William.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 07 Jan 2002
I am physically shaking right now seeing your words - wishing it were you speaking them to me. I want so badly to see you too, but you are still not safe here. You don't sound like yourself, Mulder, and it's frightening me.
Where in the world have you been?
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 07 Jan 2002
I've seen things I cannot accept and don't know how to change. I feel like the fight has gone out of me and all I want is to come back and put this time behind us.
I will be home soon.
Details to follow in the usual manner.
****
Ad placed in the Washington Times Classified section, January 8, 2002
It was evening here
But upon earth the very noon of night.
ncrl
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E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 10 Jan 2002
Mulder,
I hold no hope you can respond to this. Or that it reaches you. I only hope that you are alive.
I cannot help believing that you jumped off that train because you knew what I now know - that these "super-soldiers" - if that's what they are - can in fact be destroyed. That the key to their destruction lies in the iron compound at that quarry.
I am scared for you, Mulder. And for William. The forces against us are unrelenting. But so is my determination to see you again. To regain the comfort and safety we shared for so brief a time. Until then, I remain forever yours,
Dana
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, January 14, 2002
The whale, like all things that are mighty, wears a false brow to the common world.
Fe3O4
****
Letter received on January 27, 2002
Dana Scully
107 E. Cordova St. Apt. 35
Washington, DC., 01833
1-16-02
Not much time to write
Sorry so short saw your note
Agreed on Fe3O3 though not sure how yet
Love to you both
****
February 2, 2002
Mulder,
I got your last letter and nearly wept with relief to hear from you. I hope this can all end soon. I pray you stay safe until then.
Not sure what the weather is like where you are, but the most beautiful snow has fallen here. William and I have been playing in it at every opportunity and there's a respectable snowman in front of my building now. William likes to eat the snow and blinks when the flakes cling to his eyelashes. He looks more like you every day.
I send regards from Skinner and the Gunmen and my mother lights candles for you.
I wish I had an address to send this to.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 11 Feb 2002
Mulder,
I am hesitant to contact you in this way because I know it is a risk, but I am beginning to fear the worst for William. I don't know what he is but someone does and they are trying to hurt him. I have been working with Reyes and we suspect it all goes back to that artifact I found in Africa, though I can't say I truly understand it. My mother says our son is a miracle and that I must simply accept him as that. But how can I do that, Mulder? After what happened to Emily, how can I not want to know how he came to be whatever he is?
William has been taken from me twice now and I am starting to despair of ever being able to protect him. All the sacrifices we're making right now - what if it comes to nothing? I don't know what to do.
****
E-Mail From: MAILER-DAEMON@n55.bullet.mail.sp1.hotmail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 11 Feb 2002
Sorry, we were unable to deliver your message to the following address.
< trust_no1@mail.com >
****
Ad placed in the Washington Times Classified section, February 23, 2002
O lady, you in whom my hope gains strength, you who, for my salvation, have allowed your footsteps to be left in Hell, in all the things that I have seen, I recognize the grace and benefit that I, depending upon your power and goodness, have received. You drew me out from slavery to freedom by all those paths, by all those means that were within your power. Do, in me, preserve your generosity, so that my soul, which you have healed, when it is set loose from my body, be a soul that you will welcome.
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, February 24, 2002
Let faith oust fact; let fancy oust memory; I look deep down and do believe.
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, March 20, 2002
All men live enveloped in whale-lines. All are born with halters round their necks; but it is only when caught in the swift, sudden turn of death, that mortals realize the silent, subtle, ever-present perils of life.
Gunmen dead.
****
E-Mail From: dana_scully@fbi.gov
To: john_doggett@fbi.gov
Date: 26 Mar 2002
John,
My thoughts are with you and Barbara at this time. Take care.
Dana Scully
****
E-Mail From: john_doggett@fbi.gov
To: dana_scully@fbi.gov
Date: 26 Mar 2002
Thanks Dana. It's been hard but the closure has come as a relief after all this time. I hope you are coming to terms with your own loss as well. They were the good guys.
John Doggett
****
April 20, 2002
Mulder,
I have come to an act of desperation. I have had no way of contacting you - no way to talk this over with you - and so I had to make this choice alone. I have had assurances that our information is to be expunged from every record and I tell myself moment by moment that this is his only chance at a normal life, but what if I have made a mistake that can never be undone?
I vacillate between thinking I have sacrificed my own happiness for his and thinking I have sacrificed him because I am not strong enough to accept what he is. What if that's the case? What if I was just too afraid to see him suffer? Watching Emily die slowly through the glass left me so cold I thought I'd freeze everything I touched, but I didn't know how to grieve for her. They had no right to take those ova from me, no right to create her, and no right to destroy her. She was supposed to be mine and whatever other children were created should have been mine also. But by the time I came to terms with the fact that I was truly her mother, she was already gone. What if the same fate was in store for William? I don't know that I could have stood it.
All I wanted was a child - your child, as the years went on - and I just cannot understand why anyone would create these lives for the express purpose of later destroying them. I don't think we can ever fully know what William means to the Project, but they wanted him dead, Mulder. They wanted to take our son and kill him and would have in time and came close even as I watched over him, and all this before he turned a year old. Jeffrey Spender came to me - terrible things have been done to him - and said that no matter what he did to undo the changes to his little body, William would never have any peace from the men who have been working towards the ends you and I have been fighting.
I believed him, Mulder. I looked into his ruined face and I believe he was telling me the truth and I believe it still. I did the only thing I could think of to protect our son and I can only hope now that you can forgive me.
I don't know what else to do but keep going. It's all I've ever known how to do.
****
E-Mail From: wjscully8@navy.mil
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 22 Apr 2002
Dana, what in the hell have you done? Pick up your goddamned phone.
I just got off the phone with mom a little while ago and she's half-hysterical and I'm not far from it myself. What were you thinking? You put your son up for adoption, Dana? That really struck you as the best possible solution? That's what you have a family for. To help you. And no matter how bad things were you should have come to us. I don't know what has happened to you over the years and I don't think I even know who you are anymore, because my sister would never have done something so insane.
We could have taken him in for you if you couldn't deal with being a single mother. God knows where Fox is and why you put up with the crap he dishes out is beyond me, but he has molded you into a woman I don't recognize and I think there is something severely wrong with both of you.
I have faith that you are not beyond salvation, Dana, but you need to cut your ties with him. Come out to San Diego and stay with us. I have already contacted an attorney about having the adoption reversed and because of the extreme emotional duress you've been under he thinks there's a very good shot that Tara and I can get temporary custody while you get your life back together.
It's not too late for you. We love you and want to help, but you have to let us. I am praying for you.
Your brother,
Bill
****
E-Mail From: phishphood66@yahoo.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 22 Apr 2002
Hey Squirt. Just got an earful from Bill. Mom's too freaked out to be coherent.
I don't know what the fuck is up with you the past few years Danes, but the shit seems to have royally hit the fan of your life. Despite what Bill thinks, you were always the smartest one of us and if this is what you thought was right, well, I guess I have to trust that. I'm just so sorry that you're dealing with this.
We're moving to Marrakech in June for a restaurant Larissa's designing and we have this awesome house with plenty of room for decompressing Feds. Take some leave and come stay for a while.
Worried about you, big sister.
Charlie
****
E-Mail From: knitterrific@earthlink.net
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 24 Apr 2002
Dana, I am so worried about you and I think you might need some professional help. Please return my calls. We need to talk.
I love you.
Mom
****
E-Mail From: monica_reyes@fbi.gov
To: dana_scully@fbi.gov
Date: 25 Apr 2002
Dana
Please call if you ever need to talk. I am here for you.
Monica
****
E-Mail From: d_scully@fbi.gov
To: m_reyes9@fbi.gov
Date: 25 Apr 2002
Monica,
Thank you for your concern. I'm going to be fine. I will be back to work on Monday.
****
E-Mail From: j_doggett3@fbi.gov
To: d_scully@fbi.gov
Date: 25 Apr 2002
I hope this finds you well. Just wanted to see how you were doing.
John Doggett
****
E-Mail From: d_scully@fbi.gov
To: j_doggett3@fbi.gov
Date: 25 Apr 2002
John,
Thank you for your concern. I'm going to be fine. I will be back to work on Monday.
****
E-Mail From: reits@clinicalassociates.com
To: dana_scully@fbi.gov
Date: 9 May 2002
Dr. Scully,
My name is John Reits and I am a parapsychologist. I'd like to meet with you concerning a former patient of mine. Please contact me at this address or give me a call at 714-555-0146.
****
E-Mail From: walter_skinner@fbi.gov
To: dana_scully@fbi.gov
Date: 19 May 2002
Scully -
Do you ever answer your phone anymore? I need to see you in my office at once. Drop what you are doing and get over here now.
It's about Mulder.
****
The End
****
Addendum:
R2NCl + H2O = Bellefleur + Braddock Heights?
So claims a woman with node at C5
The Warrior Princess Super-Soldier chick had a node on the back of her neck (around the C5 vertebra) and had informed Scully that chloramine was being introduced into the water supply to transform the populace into super-soldiers. Scully was reminded of the water tampering in Braddock Heights (Wetwired).
****
Fe3O4 + R2NCl = ?
Mulder has discovered evidence of a connection between chloramine and magnetite, but isn't sure what it is.
****
Quantum suicide?
Scully's hoping to get some help on the case from 4D. Quantum suicide - as it pertains to the many-worlds interpretation and the case - encompasses the idea that all moments (however unlikely) with possibilities of occurrence greater than zero are experienced in some dimension.
Mulder's reply is just directing her to some related case files. Which I made up.
****
It was evening here
But upon earth the very noon of night.
ncrl
Mulder's train will arrive at the New Carrollton train station at midnight
****
RATING: PG-13 (language)
SPOILERS: Season 9
DISCLAIMER: Sorry Chris. I know they're yours, but no one's paying me and I'm playing nice with them today. Please don't sue.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thanks a million to Scarletb for looking this over while on her vacation. I couldn't bear the thought of their only communication in all that time being the "Dearest Dana" letters. (Which I added to just a teeny-weeny bit. Also added a little to Scully's Carterlogue to William.)
Scully quotes from (what else?) Moby Dick and Mulder from The Divine Comedy. The title is from Those Winter Sundays by Robert Hayden. Fe3O4 is magnetite and R2NCl is chloramine. I know my little ads are cryptic, so there's an addendum at the end for those interested parties.
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, May 26 2001
In this world, shipmates, Sin that pays its way can travel freely, and without a passport; whereas Virtue, if a pauper, is stopped at all frontiers.
R2NCl + H2O = Bellefleur + Braddock Heights?
So claims a woman with node at C5
****
Ad placed in the Washington Times Classified section, May 29 2001
These have not the hope to die.
Developments? Nothing on my end.
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 18 Jun 2001
Things are calm for now and hopefully communication can be somewhat regular for a time. I have a cash-under-the-table job at the moment and it covers basic needs. I know you wanted to come, but this is no life for a child. I will be home as soon as I am able. I know that goes without saying, but it makes me feel better to say it anyway.
I have to go now. Tell me about William.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 18 Jun 2001
Mulder,
It's so good to hear from you, you have no idea. Have you made any progress yet? There have been strange goings-on since you left, but I don't know what to make of any of it. I don't know whom to trust right now and just tell everyone I cannot contact you. I have not been able to make any sense of my last inquiry and am at a standstill. Please tell me everything you discover and let me know what I can do. Don't leave me in the dark on this, Mulder. You can't protect us that way. Let me be of use.
Things are fine here. William eats well and sleeps less well, but I nap when I can. He's growing nicely and can focus his eyes for very long periods already and tracks objects at two feet away. His head control is excellent and he is already making deliberate reaches for objects rather than just grasping reflexively. He makes a gurgling sound if I run my finger up the midline of his foot. In addition to snapshots and videos, I have been keeping a journal of all of his changes for when you get back. My mother helps as much as she can but the truth is I prefer to be alone. She wants to talk, and doesn't understand that I just can't right now. I think she's afraid of the quiet and fills it up with noise. She talks to me but doesn't say anything. You know how to let me be silent, Mulder. I miss that.
Frohike says William looks like me and Byers says he looks like you and Langly says he looks like Jack Ruby. Which is pretty much what you'd expect to hear from the three of them.
Write when you can. Pictures attached.
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 22 Jun 2001
He still looks like Skinner to me, your feeble protestations of fidelity aside. He's got your eyes, Scully, and I wonder whose warped sense of humor he's going to claim. I'm not surprised he's ahead of the developmental curve. You read him Brian Greene while you were pregnant. That sets the bar rather high for a baby.
Let your mother in. You're all she has nearby and she won't forgive herself for everything that's happened if you don't. Smile and nod, Scully. You do it better than anyone I know.
Learn to let people love you.
I haven't found much yet because I don't even know what the hell I'm looking for.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 23 Jun 2001
We can only hope that his sense of humor is all his own. I think our particular brand of amusement wouldn't go over too well with the preschool set. Can you imagine Career Day, Mulder? We're going to have to be vague.
Pictures of William attached, including one of him eating my hair. Have to run.
Stay safe.
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 28 Jun 2001
We'd be a hit at Career Day. You could tell them about your Invisible Guy Autopsy. And you know all the kids would want to hear about my time in low orbit.
I'm leaving here soon, so it may be a while before I contact you again. Thank you for the pictures. I cannot believe how William has grown. He looks like his own man now instead of just a newborn. I know I once said I never saw you as a mother before, but I must not have been paying attention.
You're beautiful, Scully. I miss you both constantly.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 29 Jun 2001
Mulder,
I hope nothing serious has happened to necessitate this move and that you have made some headway. I am still having no luck. I'm going to start teaching at Quantico soon. I feel like I'm abandoning you in some way, Mulder. Abandoning our work. But I can't do field work like I used to - not with William - and Doggett and Reyes are doing a good job. I think you'd be impressed.
William has been going to sleep at around 10 at night and sleeping until 6 or so. He is such an easy baby and already a hit with the ladies. I bring him to work sometimes and he's quite popular. Skinner gave him a stuffed McGruff the Crime Dog, but he prefers the doll you gave him and sleeps with it now. He's still rather small for the basketball, but that was never my sport anyway. I played field hockey, so free-throw instruction falls to you.
Attached is a video of William laying on Skinner's desk.
Stay safe.
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 19 Jul 2001
He spit up on Skinner's desk? I could watch that all day. You're damned lucky it wasn't Kersh's or you'd be freezing your ass off in a Minnesota field office right now. And of course he's a hit with the ladies, Scully. Not everyone's as hard of a sell on the Mulder men as you. I made it to Wal-Mart and printed out some of those pictures you sent. Keep them coming.
Don't ever feel like you're abandoning the work. The most important thing is that you and William stay safe and chasing mutants and government conspirators isn't really conducive to that. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that you're okay. The job at Quantico will be good for you both.
I'm doing a little air guitar of "Hot For Teacher" right now…
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 23 Jul 2001
Mulder,
I'm sorry it has taken me a bit to get back to you. My mother and I took William to the beach for a couple of days. I dipped his feet in the surf and I was reminded that seawater has a similar chemical makeup to both blood and amniotic fluid. We crawled from those primordial seas so many millions of years ago and carry some of it inside of us to this day. I know you get seasick, but I think we are hardwired to crave the ocean and I want to take William sailing when he's older. I think he has the genes for it. You may not be a sailor, Mulder, but you know the unquenchable lure of the unknown and thrill of riding out a storm.
I had a good time with my mom and tried to do as you suggested. She asked after you and I am confident that whatever else she thinks of my life, she accepts that you're an integral part of it.
I start teaching next month and I must confess to some anxiety. It has been so long since I stood in front of a lecture hall. I've gotten used to an audience of one for my technical soliloquies.
And Van Halen, Mulder? Really? What happened to the King?
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 4 Aug 2001
Was it Chincoteague, Scully? It's right around Pony Penning Day, isn't it? When he's bigger we'll get a place out in the country and let him pick out a pony of his own. And hell, I'll take some Dramamine and we'll all go sailing too.
Get out your list-making paper and get to work. I'll be back soon and we'll have the rest of our lives to get it done.
P.S. - I always kind of got turned on by your technical soliloquies, so you may want to be careful around some of your more discriminating students.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 5 Aug 2001
Mulder,
We went to Assateague, actually, but he did see the ponies and we found horseshoe crabs washed up on the shore. Despite 445 million years of existence, they've scarcely changed at all. It makes you think, I suppose. All the work we humans do to better ourselves and horseshoe crabs have attained perfection.
And a pony?! That's a pretty heavy upgrade from your fish. I was thinking we could move more slowly from Cyprinidae to Perissodactyla. Perhaps a stop at Rodentia would be appropriate if you want to venture into mammalian territory. (Are you getting turned on by this?)
William holds his head up and looks around without any trouble at all. He wants desperately to sit up and is so frustrated that he can't manage it yet.
Any news?
****
Ad placed in the Washington Times Classified section, August 13, 2001
For where the instrument of intelligence is added to brute power and evil will, mankind is powerless in its own defense.
Fe3O4 + R2NCl = ?
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, August 15, 2001
And some certain significance lurks in all things, else all things are little worth...
I'll let you know if I hear anything.
****
E-Mail From: knitterific@earthlink.net
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 20 Aug 2001
Let me know if we can move lunch on Wednesday to 12:30. I printed out pictures from our trip and made you some copies. I will bring William's Celeste Sun toy with me at lunch if that's okay with you.
Charlie, Larissa and the kids are coming in for Christmas this year. Talk to you soon.
Mom
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: knitterific@earthlink.net
Date: 21 Aug 2001
Mom,
That would be fine. Thank you for printing the pictures for me, and William will be fine without Celeste until Wednesday.
****
Letter received on September 8, 2001
William Mulder
107 E. Cordova St. Apt. 35
Washington, DC., 01833
8-14-01
Dear William,
I can only hope this finds its way to you but even if it doesn't, it's something I had to get on paper. Walking away from you and your mother is the single most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I did it for reasons that I tell myself are right and noble, so why do I feel like I've let you both down? All I want is for you to be safe and I tell myself that leaving and searching for answers is the best way to do that. But the truth is, William, that your old man isn't making much headway here. Your mother sends me pictures and videos of you and sometimes at night I can close my eyes and recall your new-earthling smell.
But it's not the same.
I know your mother and I know that every night she shows you my picture and tells you I'll be home soon. I don't want to make a liar of her and I promise you both I'm doing the best I can. Every day I fight the urge to let this all go and come home, but I feel I have more to accomplish before I return. One day I hope you will understand all of this. One day I hope I will.
I have no real wisdom to offer you, but let me at least tell you this. I have made many mistakes in my life, but through them all, I have tried to do what I feel is honest. And I have learned - as you doubtlessly will - that the right thing is not often the easy thing. I don't know what this world is going to be like when you are older or what role you will have in it, but to thine own self be true, William.
I hope to see you soon. And in case your mother forgets to tell you:
Elvis > Three Dog Night
Hips before hands
The Knicks will always be better than the Miami Heat
Love,
Your father
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 12 Sep 2001
Scully, let me know you're okay. I know you don't work at the Pentagon, but please check in.
On the move again, but will write as soon as possible.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 13 Sep 2001
Mulder,
We are fine and no one we know was hurt. While it feels as though the world is falling apart, knowing you're okay gives me something to hang on to. There's a long line of people waiting for this computer so I must run, but I got your letter to William.
Be careful.
We miss you.
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, September 17, 2001
There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke…
Quantum suicide?
****
Ad placed in the Washington Times Classified section, September 18, 2001
And downward to the secret things we went
Biloxi MI - 6/ 86
Camden NJ - 11/91
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 20 Sep 2001
Mulder,
Thank you for your help on the case. Do you have any updates on your end? Not much to tell here. I'm enjoying teaching very much; the students are so engaged and interested. It's a nice change from the endless parade of world-weary cops and agents. Were we ever that fresh-faced and eager?
Thinking of you and aching to see you.
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 23 Sep 2001
It is no longer safe for me to contact you.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 24 Sep 2001
Mulder,
What's going on? Please find a way to let me know what's happening.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 13 Oct 2001
Mulder,
William and I baked a cake and we sang Happy Birthday to your picture. We went shopping for presents and William picked out an oven mitt. I tried to steer him towards the Yankees DVD collection, but he was adamant that you needed protective gear. I have begun to entertain theories of genetic memory.
Please let us know you're all right.
Many happy returns of the day.
****
E-Mail From: rocbronzin@rutgers.edu
To: dana_scully@fbi.gov
Date: 17 Oct 2001
Hey there partner.
Wanted to thank you again for the CPR. They don't really cover that in entomology doctoral programs though, so I'm hard pressed to return the favor. I know you're a mother but I assume you still eat so let me know if you want to grab a bite next time I'm in DC.
****
E-Mail From: dana_scully@fbi.gov
To: rocbronzin@rutgers.edu
Date: 19 Oct 2001
Dr. Bronzino,
Thank you very much for the offer, but it would not be appropriate at this time.
Dana Scully
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 25 Oct 2001
Mulder,
I know you can't tell me where you are and I am trying to respect what you're doing but this feels impossible sometimes. Not everything has to be a crusade, does it? You wanted to find your sister and while it wasn't the resolution you wanted, you found out the truth. Isn't that enough? We can have a life now. We have a son who needs both of his parents. Let this go, Mulder.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 4 Nov 2001
Mulder,
I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't even know if you're alive. Attached are pictures of William in his Halloween costume. He went as a skunk and can sit up perfectly.
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, November 21, 2001
Lost:
Norwegian Elkhound
Answers to Heinrich
Come home, Heinrich
We miss you
****
December 3, 2001
Mulder,
I am so concerned for your safety right now that it is overwhelming. I am trying not to be angry with you - truly I am - but it isn't easy. I know what you've told me, I know we discussed all of this and I know we agreed it was for the best, but the reality is proving far different than the theory. As a scientist, I ought to have expected it and yet I was completely blindsided.
I asked you once years ago if we could just get out of the car and you looked at me like I was crazy and you kept driving. And I stayed. Hundreds of thousands of miles I've traveled with you, Mulder. Endless black ribbons of highways full of nightmares and lost souls and we went after them with badges and guns because we had a job to do.
But I'm asking you now - not as your partner, but as the mother of your child - to get out of the goddamned car. I can't live like this anymore, Mulder, and I will not subject William to it.
I love you but I cannot do this for the rest of my life.
I have nowhere to send this letter.
****
December 15, 2001
Mulder,
William said "Da" when he saw your picture today. I have a video.
****
E-Mail From: phishphood66@yahoo.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 20 Dec 2001
Hey Danes -
Our gang's catching an earlier flight from Puerto Vallarta and I wanted to see if you'd be free for dinner. I'm trusting you to pick a not-shitty restaurant because last time I left it up to Bill he said he knew of a "really good Italian place" and took us to the fucking Olive Garden and I swear to God Tara put some of those breadsticks in her purse.
Can't wait to meet my new nephew (you have a kid, Danes!) and see if either of my rugrats is taller than you yet. They're growing like weeds and Larissa's firm is keeping us in Mexico until the resort's finished, so they're all sun-kissed and blonde and I'm mostly a giant freckle.
Mom specifically told me not to ask about William's father, so I'm asking. This Fox guy…what's up with him? Is he good to you? Bill paints him as a kind of Anton LeVay meets Forrest Gump character, but Bill thinks condoms are Satan's party balloons, so what the hell does he know about relationships?
I'm bringing a case of fine champanya to ring in the new year.
Charlie
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: phishphood66@yahoo.com
Date: 20 Dec 2001
Charlie,
I can't wait to see you all! It's been far too long since your jet-setting crew has ventured this way. Things with William's father are complicated, but it's due to factors beyond either of our control. I don't mean to be curt, but that's all I can say right now.
Dinner would be great. William still doesn't go to bed until fairly late and can be kept happy with a steady supply of food. He has an excellent pincer grasp.
Did Bill really take you to the Olive Garden? That's classic.
****
December 31, 2001
Mulder,
We celebrated Christmas at my mother's and Bill and Charlie and their families flew in. I have lots of pictures to show you of all of the kids together. William is babbling like a champion and I gave him a crayon to draw a picture for you on the back of this card, so turn it over. I remember New Year's Eve two years ago. Zombies, Mulder. And then you kissed me and here I am wishing maybe the world had ended after all because I'm remembering zombies with fondness and what the hell is wrong with my life and my God I miss you.
There was half a bottle of champagne left and now I'm drunk.
Happy New Year
Putting this card with your other unsent mail.
****
January 1, 2002
Dear William,
One day, you'll ask me to speak of a truth - of the miracle of your birth. To explain what is unexplained. And if I falter or fail on this day, know there is an answer, my child, a sacred imperishable truth, but one you may never hope to find alone. Chance meeting your perfect other, your perfect opposite, your protector and endangerer. Chance embarking with this other on the greatest of journeys; a search for truths fugitive and imponderable. If one day this chance may befall you, my son, do not fail or falter to seize it. The truths are out there. And if one day you should behold a miracle, as I have in you, you will learn the truth is not found in science, or on some unseen plane, but by looking into your own heart. And in that moment you will be blessed - and stricken. For the truest truths are what hold us together, or keep us painfully, desperately apart.
Know this, William, for it is the most important thing I can hope to teach you: It is not a weakness to love someone. There may come a time when it will be the only strength you have.
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 07 Jan 2002
Dearest Dana
I've resisted contacting you for reasons I know you continue to appreciate. But, to be honest, some unexpected dimensions of my new life are eating away at any resolve I have left. I'm lonely, Dana, uncertain of my ability to live like this. I want to come home. To you, and to William.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 07 Jan 2002
I am physically shaking right now seeing your words - wishing it were you speaking them to me. I want so badly to see you too, but you are still not safe here. You don't sound like yourself, Mulder, and it's frightening me.
Where in the world have you been?
****
E-Mail From: Trust_No1@mail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 07 Jan 2002
I've seen things I cannot accept and don't know how to change. I feel like the fight has gone out of me and all I want is to come back and put this time behind us.
I will be home soon.
Details to follow in the usual manner.
****
Ad placed in the Washington Times Classified section, January 8, 2002
It was evening here
But upon earth the very noon of night.
ncrl
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 10 Jan 2002
Mulder,
I hold no hope you can respond to this. Or that it reaches you. I only hope that you are alive.
I cannot help believing that you jumped off that train because you knew what I now know - that these "super-soldiers" - if that's what they are - can in fact be destroyed. That the key to their destruction lies in the iron compound at that quarry.
I am scared for you, Mulder. And for William. The forces against us are unrelenting. But so is my determination to see you again. To regain the comfort and safety we shared for so brief a time. Until then, I remain forever yours,
Dana
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, January 14, 2002
The whale, like all things that are mighty, wears a false brow to the common world.
Fe3O4
****
Letter received on January 27, 2002
Dana Scully
107 E. Cordova St. Apt. 35
Washington, DC., 01833
1-16-02
Not much time to write
Sorry so short saw your note
Agreed on Fe3O3 though not sure how yet
Love to you both
****
February 2, 2002
Mulder,
I got your last letter and nearly wept with relief to hear from you. I hope this can all end soon. I pray you stay safe until then.
Not sure what the weather is like where you are, but the most beautiful snow has fallen here. William and I have been playing in it at every opportunity and there's a respectable snowman in front of my building now. William likes to eat the snow and blinks when the flakes cling to his eyelashes. He looks more like you every day.
I send regards from Skinner and the Gunmen and my mother lights candles for you.
I wish I had an address to send this to.
****
E-Mail From: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
To: Trust_No1@mail.com
Date: 11 Feb 2002
Mulder,
I am hesitant to contact you in this way because I know it is a risk, but I am beginning to fear the worst for William. I don't know what he is but someone does and they are trying to hurt him. I have been working with Reyes and we suspect it all goes back to that artifact I found in Africa, though I can't say I truly understand it. My mother says our son is a miracle and that I must simply accept him as that. But how can I do that, Mulder? After what happened to Emily, how can I not want to know how he came to be whatever he is?
William has been taken from me twice now and I am starting to despair of ever being able to protect him. All the sacrifices we're making right now - what if it comes to nothing? I don't know what to do.
****
E-Mail From: MAILER-DAEMON@n55.bullet.mail.sp1.hotmail.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 11 Feb 2002
Sorry, we were unable to deliver your message to the following address.
< trust_no1@mail.com >
****
Ad placed in the Washington Times Classified section, February 23, 2002
O lady, you in whom my hope gains strength, you who, for my salvation, have allowed your footsteps to be left in Hell, in all the things that I have seen, I recognize the grace and benefit that I, depending upon your power and goodness, have received. You drew me out from slavery to freedom by all those paths, by all those means that were within your power. Do, in me, preserve your generosity, so that my soul, which you have healed, when it is set loose from my body, be a soul that you will welcome.
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, February 24, 2002
Let faith oust fact; let fancy oust memory; I look deep down and do believe.
****
Ad placed in the New York Times Classified section, March 20, 2002
All men live enveloped in whale-lines. All are born with halters round their necks; but it is only when caught in the swift, sudden turn of death, that mortals realize the silent, subtle, ever-present perils of life.
Gunmen dead.
****
E-Mail From: dana_scully@fbi.gov
To: john_doggett@fbi.gov
Date: 26 Mar 2002
John,
My thoughts are with you and Barbara at this time. Take care.
Dana Scully
****
E-Mail From: john_doggett@fbi.gov
To: dana_scully@fbi.gov
Date: 26 Mar 2002
Thanks Dana. It's been hard but the closure has come as a relief after all this time. I hope you are coming to terms with your own loss as well. They were the good guys.
John Doggett
****
April 20, 2002
Mulder,
I have come to an act of desperation. I have had no way of contacting you - no way to talk this over with you - and so I had to make this choice alone. I have had assurances that our information is to be expunged from every record and I tell myself moment by moment that this is his only chance at a normal life, but what if I have made a mistake that can never be undone?
I vacillate between thinking I have sacrificed my own happiness for his and thinking I have sacrificed him because I am not strong enough to accept what he is. What if that's the case? What if I was just too afraid to see him suffer? Watching Emily die slowly through the glass left me so cold I thought I'd freeze everything I touched, but I didn't know how to grieve for her. They had no right to take those ova from me, no right to create her, and no right to destroy her. She was supposed to be mine and whatever other children were created should have been mine also. But by the time I came to terms with the fact that I was truly her mother, she was already gone. What if the same fate was in store for William? I don't know that I could have stood it.
All I wanted was a child - your child, as the years went on - and I just cannot understand why anyone would create these lives for the express purpose of later destroying them. I don't think we can ever fully know what William means to the Project, but they wanted him dead, Mulder. They wanted to take our son and kill him and would have in time and came close even as I watched over him, and all this before he turned a year old. Jeffrey Spender came to me - terrible things have been done to him - and said that no matter what he did to undo the changes to his little body, William would never have any peace from the men who have been working towards the ends you and I have been fighting.
I believed him, Mulder. I looked into his ruined face and I believe he was telling me the truth and I believe it still. I did the only thing I could think of to protect our son and I can only hope now that you can forgive me.
I don't know what else to do but keep going. It's all I've ever known how to do.
****
E-Mail From: wjscully8@navy.mil
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 22 Apr 2002
Dana, what in the hell have you done? Pick up your goddamned phone.
I just got off the phone with mom a little while ago and she's half-hysterical and I'm not far from it myself. What were you thinking? You put your son up for adoption, Dana? That really struck you as the best possible solution? That's what you have a family for. To help you. And no matter how bad things were you should have come to us. I don't know what has happened to you over the years and I don't think I even know who you are anymore, because my sister would never have done something so insane.
We could have taken him in for you if you couldn't deal with being a single mother. God knows where Fox is and why you put up with the crap he dishes out is beyond me, but he has molded you into a woman I don't recognize and I think there is something severely wrong with both of you.
I have faith that you are not beyond salvation, Dana, but you need to cut your ties with him. Come out to San Diego and stay with us. I have already contacted an attorney about having the adoption reversed and because of the extreme emotional duress you've been under he thinks there's a very good shot that Tara and I can get temporary custody while you get your life back together.
It's not too late for you. We love you and want to help, but you have to let us. I am praying for you.
Your brother,
Bill
****
E-Mail From: phishphood66@yahoo.com
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 22 Apr 2002
Hey Squirt. Just got an earful from Bill. Mom's too freaked out to be coherent.
I don't know what the fuck is up with you the past few years Danes, but the shit seems to have royally hit the fan of your life. Despite what Bill thinks, you were always the smartest one of us and if this is what you thought was right, well, I guess I have to trust that. I'm just so sorry that you're dealing with this.
We're moving to Marrakech in June for a restaurant Larissa's designing and we have this awesome house with plenty of room for decompressing Feds. Take some leave and come stay for a while.
Worried about you, big sister.
Charlie
****
E-Mail From: knitterrific@earthlink.net
To: Queequeg0925@hotmail.com
Date: 24 Apr 2002
Dana, I am so worried about you and I think you might need some professional help. Please return my calls. We need to talk.
I love you.
Mom
****
E-Mail From: monica_reyes@fbi.gov
To: dana_scully@fbi.gov
Date: 25 Apr 2002
Dana
Please call if you ever need to talk. I am here for you.
Monica
****
E-Mail From: d_scully@fbi.gov
To: m_reyes9@fbi.gov
Date: 25 Apr 2002
Monica,
Thank you for your concern. I'm going to be fine. I will be back to work on Monday.
****
E-Mail From: j_doggett3@fbi.gov
To: d_scully@fbi.gov
Date: 25 Apr 2002
I hope this finds you well. Just wanted to see how you were doing.
John Doggett
****
E-Mail From: d_scully@fbi.gov
To: j_doggett3@fbi.gov
Date: 25 Apr 2002
John,
Thank you for your concern. I'm going to be fine. I will be back to work on Monday.
****
E-Mail From: reits@clinicalassociates.com
To: dana_scully@fbi.gov
Date: 9 May 2002
Dr. Scully,
My name is John Reits and I am a parapsychologist. I'd like to meet with you concerning a former patient of mine. Please contact me at this address or give me a call at 714-555-0146.
****
E-Mail From: walter_skinner@fbi.gov
To: dana_scully@fbi.gov
Date: 19 May 2002
Scully -
Do you ever answer your phone anymore? I need to see you in my office at once. Drop what you are doing and get over here now.
It's about Mulder.
****
The End
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Addendum:
R2NCl + H2O = Bellefleur + Braddock Heights?
So claims a woman with node at C5
The Warrior Princess Super-Soldier chick had a node on the back of her neck (around the C5 vertebra) and had informed Scully that chloramine was being introduced into the water supply to transform the populace into super-soldiers. Scully was reminded of the water tampering in Braddock Heights (Wetwired).
****
Fe3O4 + R2NCl = ?
Mulder has discovered evidence of a connection between chloramine and magnetite, but isn't sure what it is.
****
Quantum suicide?
Scully's hoping to get some help on the case from 4D. Quantum suicide - as it pertains to the many-worlds interpretation and the case - encompasses the idea that all moments (however unlikely) with possibilities of occurrence greater than zero are experienced in some dimension.
Mulder's reply is just directing her to some related case files. Which I made up.
****
It was evening here
But upon earth the very noon of night.
ncrl
Mulder's train will arrive at the New Carrollton train station at midnight
****