Confessions
I have time to talk to my three closest friends this week. Each of the know something about what is bothering me that the other doesn't know. I guess that's just the way that I expose my secrets. I have had a lot of time to think on my down time without any interruptions this week. I will start with the basics of my problems and work my way up.
Brian- Brian is lovely man. He is funny and honest, even if you don't want him to be. He loves me and Payge, which is all that I could ask for in life. We have lived together for nine months now and everything has been going fine until we got married. All of a sudden he has started acting like a retarded jackass. I cannot have a conversation with the man. Not like a normal man who you can't talk to because they have no similar interests with, but like a man who lacks the knowledge to function with out a droll bib. I try to ask simple questions that would require a simple response, but I cannot get a satisfying answer. His answers usually are a response that end with a farting noise he makes out of his mouth. "Yeah I really like the *fart noise*" That's it. You like what Brian? WHAT?! Or he has to grope me or make a comment about my breasts. My personal favorite that he says is "It's time to nurse" and attempts to grab my boobs while making a sucking noise. Gross. Now, these are usually the responses he gives with me around, but if you add in a 3rd party his responses are all "Yeah, well look at this." And he shows his belly and jiggles it around or rubs his nipples. Ugh. Is this what my life has come down to. A life with a man who will I will never have a conversation with and will be doing something inappropriate with mine or his body for the next 50 years. (I don't expect to live too long)
His behavior is not helping me with my root problem at all. I keep hoping that will turn into Price Charming and make life easier.
Prince Charming - Yes, I once had Prince Charming. I once dated the perfect man. He was kind, loving, understanding, intelligent, respectful, generous, artistic, strong, caring, handsome, good natured, selfless, witty, and everything I ever wanted in a man. I think the only thing he did that I thought was annoying was spend too much time playing internet games. (Yes, I understand the irony that I married a man that spends well over 40 hours a week playing WoW and I complained about 2 hours a day of playing.) I think while we were dating we only had one argument about his grades at college and him not applying himself. The rest of the time was wonderful. He took me out to nice restaurants and to art museums. He painted me pictures and wrote poems. Might be old fashioned yes, but it really appealed to my inner romantic. Most of my friends never saw how happy I was with him or what my personality was like. I became this way, this creature that is filled with hate, spite, and sorrow after we broke up.
What could possibly end the perfect relationship? Well... me. I fucked up royally. I broke my own heart. I smashed it into 1001 pieces and have never recovered from it.
February 14, 2002 I was taken to a hotel in Scottsdale for a romantic night. The bed was covered in rose peddles, there was a basket with champaign, plush robes, and chocolates, everything was perfect. We went to the patio were we would dine by star light. There was a pit fire off to the left. I was in a little red dress (yes, I once fit into a little red dress) and I was very cold. He let me wear his leather jacket. We ate our dinner and drank champaign. He pulled out a box. A ring box. Zales printed in gold on the outside box. On the inside box there was a beautiful diamond ring. One of those Past, Present, Future three stone diamond rings. I remember what he said, "You deserve everything in the world. You deserve all the stars in the heavens. I promise I will work harder to get you all of those stars, but all I have now are these." Pretty nice for some 18 year old boy to give you. I happily took it. This was not an engagement ring. It was a promise ring. I always thought there were ridiculous and just another reason for girls to get jewelry off their boyfriends. I never asked or hinted at this sort of thing so I was taken off guard. I happily accepted it.
April 26, 2002 - I was invited to a party at a friend house after work. I did this often. Friday nights were the nights that everyone from Target would go out and party after work. The party started 8pm. Not everyone would be there until 10:30pm after Target was closed. But a couple people were there so I began to drink as soon as I got there. My boyfriend was in Tucson; as he was every Friday. He knew where I was. He trusted me. At 10:30 everyone started showing up. By then I was good and drunk, but I continued to drink. Some of the guys I worked with started conversation with me about me being too young to have a ring like I had. They told me that I didn't want to be "stuck" my whole life with one guy. I was making a mistake. I'm not sure if I believed them or what, but I took off my ring. I stuck it in my pocket. I remember saying to the guys "There you happy? Now I am available! One night only!" I'm not too sure what happened following that. I remember getting a lot of drinks from the guys after the ring was gone. They celebrated my victory. The sad thing is that 90% of the people there knew my boyfriend because we all worked at the same Target. They knew how much we loved each other, but the took advantage of my insecurities. Sometime around 3am I found myself in bed with the host of the party. I realized what I was doing and stopped. I put my clothes back on and went out to the couch to sleep off the alcohol. At 8am I drove from the party to Tucson to get my boyfriend. We drove up to Chandler and spend the day together. The entire day I felt this overwhelming guilt. I was a horrible person. I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve anyone. Over dinner I broke up with him. I acted like a complete bitch. I would rather him think that I was a bitch than a cheater. I hurt him. I tried my hardest to get him not to love me. I took him to the airport where he caught the Gray Hound.
This was the last time I was truly happy.
After a few times of talking and him asking me why I had broke up with him I told him that I didn't love him anymore. That hurt. Within two months he had moved out of state never to be heard of again.
Until...
July 31, 2006 - Myspace to the rescue. While looking around online I happened to come across his name. I looked at his profile. Married. Proud Parent. *sigh* Well, I might at well make a last ditch effort to be a "good person" and apologize. I did. He responded as I thought he would. He was kind, but cautious to give too much information. I talked to him a lot over the next few weeks or so. He told me he was unhappy with his marriage. A little bit on my heart came to life. Like I had hope. He told me he wanted out of his marriage, but because of his son he would try to make things work. We didn't talk much over the next couple months because of some demands that his wife set for him. She told him not to talk to anyone from the past. So he didn't. I don't blame him at all, he was doing it for his son. The next time I talked to him his wife had left him and he was moved in to his parents house. He told me he wants to have a life now and do things his wife wouldn't let him do.
The Problem- I feel in love with him again. And out of love with my husband. I don't know what to do. I think the reason I feel back in love was because I never had closure. I just hid my feelings and moved on. So, to solve my problem I need closure. Another problem is that he is filing for divorce. I can't just ask him for closure. I have to wait patiently until I can talk to him. I can't pressure him for anything until he is in a better spot with his life. I think this could take a while. So until then I will continue to be depressed over the life I could have had and I will deal with the life I do have. What other option do I have?
Brian- Brian is lovely man. He is funny and honest, even if you don't want him to be. He loves me and Payge, which is all that I could ask for in life. We have lived together for nine months now and everything has been going fine until we got married. All of a sudden he has started acting like a retarded jackass. I cannot have a conversation with the man. Not like a normal man who you can't talk to because they have no similar interests with, but like a man who lacks the knowledge to function with out a droll bib. I try to ask simple questions that would require a simple response, but I cannot get a satisfying answer. His answers usually are a response that end with a farting noise he makes out of his mouth. "Yeah I really like the *fart noise*" That's it. You like what Brian? WHAT?! Or he has to grope me or make a comment about my breasts. My personal favorite that he says is "It's time to nurse" and attempts to grab my boobs while making a sucking noise. Gross. Now, these are usually the responses he gives with me around, but if you add in a 3rd party his responses are all "Yeah, well look at this." And he shows his belly and jiggles it around or rubs his nipples. Ugh. Is this what my life has come down to. A life with a man who will I will never have a conversation with and will be doing something inappropriate with mine or his body for the next 50 years. (I don't expect to live too long)
His behavior is not helping me with my root problem at all. I keep hoping that will turn into Price Charming and make life easier.
Prince Charming - Yes, I once had Prince Charming. I once dated the perfect man. He was kind, loving, understanding, intelligent, respectful, generous, artistic, strong, caring, handsome, good natured, selfless, witty, and everything I ever wanted in a man. I think the only thing he did that I thought was annoying was spend too much time playing internet games. (Yes, I understand the irony that I married a man that spends well over 40 hours a week playing WoW and I complained about 2 hours a day of playing.) I think while we were dating we only had one argument about his grades at college and him not applying himself. The rest of the time was wonderful. He took me out to nice restaurants and to art museums. He painted me pictures and wrote poems. Might be old fashioned yes, but it really appealed to my inner romantic. Most of my friends never saw how happy I was with him or what my personality was like. I became this way, this creature that is filled with hate, spite, and sorrow after we broke up.
What could possibly end the perfect relationship? Well... me. I fucked up royally. I broke my own heart. I smashed it into 1001 pieces and have never recovered from it.
February 14, 2002 I was taken to a hotel in Scottsdale for a romantic night. The bed was covered in rose peddles, there was a basket with champaign, plush robes, and chocolates, everything was perfect. We went to the patio were we would dine by star light. There was a pit fire off to the left. I was in a little red dress (yes, I once fit into a little red dress) and I was very cold. He let me wear his leather jacket. We ate our dinner and drank champaign. He pulled out a box. A ring box. Zales printed in gold on the outside box. On the inside box there was a beautiful diamond ring. One of those Past, Present, Future three stone diamond rings. I remember what he said, "You deserve everything in the world. You deserve all the stars in the heavens. I promise I will work harder to get you all of those stars, but all I have now are these." Pretty nice for some 18 year old boy to give you. I happily took it. This was not an engagement ring. It was a promise ring. I always thought there were ridiculous and just another reason for girls to get jewelry off their boyfriends. I never asked or hinted at this sort of thing so I was taken off guard. I happily accepted it.
April 26, 2002 - I was invited to a party at a friend house after work. I did this often. Friday nights were the nights that everyone from Target would go out and party after work. The party started 8pm. Not everyone would be there until 10:30pm after Target was closed. But a couple people were there so I began to drink as soon as I got there. My boyfriend was in Tucson; as he was every Friday. He knew where I was. He trusted me. At 10:30 everyone started showing up. By then I was good and drunk, but I continued to drink. Some of the guys I worked with started conversation with me about me being too young to have a ring like I had. They told me that I didn't want to be "stuck" my whole life with one guy. I was making a mistake. I'm not sure if I believed them or what, but I took off my ring. I stuck it in my pocket. I remember saying to the guys "There you happy? Now I am available! One night only!" I'm not too sure what happened following that. I remember getting a lot of drinks from the guys after the ring was gone. They celebrated my victory. The sad thing is that 90% of the people there knew my boyfriend because we all worked at the same Target. They knew how much we loved each other, but the took advantage of my insecurities. Sometime around 3am I found myself in bed with the host of the party. I realized what I was doing and stopped. I put my clothes back on and went out to the couch to sleep off the alcohol. At 8am I drove from the party to Tucson to get my boyfriend. We drove up to Chandler and spend the day together. The entire day I felt this overwhelming guilt. I was a horrible person. I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve anyone. Over dinner I broke up with him. I acted like a complete bitch. I would rather him think that I was a bitch than a cheater. I hurt him. I tried my hardest to get him not to love me. I took him to the airport where he caught the Gray Hound.
This was the last time I was truly happy.
After a few times of talking and him asking me why I had broke up with him I told him that I didn't love him anymore. That hurt. Within two months he had moved out of state never to be heard of again.
Until...
July 31, 2006 - Myspace to the rescue. While looking around online I happened to come across his name. I looked at his profile. Married. Proud Parent. *sigh* Well, I might at well make a last ditch effort to be a "good person" and apologize. I did. He responded as I thought he would. He was kind, but cautious to give too much information. I talked to him a lot over the next few weeks or so. He told me he was unhappy with his marriage. A little bit on my heart came to life. Like I had hope. He told me he wanted out of his marriage, but because of his son he would try to make things work. We didn't talk much over the next couple months because of some demands that his wife set for him. She told him not to talk to anyone from the past. So he didn't. I don't blame him at all, he was doing it for his son. The next time I talked to him his wife had left him and he was moved in to his parents house. He told me he wants to have a life now and do things his wife wouldn't let him do.
The Problem- I feel in love with him again. And out of love with my husband. I don't know what to do. I think the reason I feel back in love was because I never had closure. I just hid my feelings and moved on. So, to solve my problem I need closure. Another problem is that he is filing for divorce. I can't just ask him for closure. I have to wait patiently until I can talk to him. I can't pressure him for anything until he is in a better spot with his life. I think this could take a while. So until then I will continue to be depressed over the life I could have had and I will deal with the life I do have. What other option do I have?