[Legend of the Seeker] All This Running Around
Title: All This Running Around
Author: hibernate
Pairing/character: Cara/Kahlan (Cara/Confessor!Kahlan, feelings!Kahlan)
Rating: Adult / NC-17
Wordcount: ~6,400 words
Warnings: Non-graphic violence, some knife play
Note: Torn AU, for au_bingo: canon event changed. Presumes knowledge of episodes 2x10: Torn, through 2x13: Princess. commoncomitatus deserves an award for betaing like a superstar and talking to me calmly. I'm pretty sure this is all her fault, so that's as it should be.
Summary: In which Cara has two very different Kahlans on her hands and fails spectacularly at handling it. There are some feelings too.
Also archived on AO3.
It's odd, Cara thinks, to see them standing side by side. Kahlan and Kahlan, in different clothes, but more alike than twins. They both seem resigned to whatever it is Zedd is planning, but Cara stands ready anyway, agiels in her hands. She's not taking any risks, no matter how trusting Richard and Zedd are.
"Do it," Richard says, and Zedd puts the two halves of the medallion together, waving his hand over them and muttering words to himself.
The rising magic makes goosebumps rise on the back of Cara's neck, but the usual fireworks and conspicuous smoke that tends to come with the use of powerful magic (wizards all seem to have a flare for dramatics) are nowhere to be seen, and there are still two Kahlans in front of them.
Zedd clears his throat, looking left and then right before letting his gaze drop back to the split medallion in his hands and repeating the words.
The result is the same: an astounding lack of anything at all.
"What are you waiting for, Wizard?" Cara demands impatiently. "A salute?"
Zedd knocks on one of the medallion halves. "It... it doesn't appear to be working."
Cara rolls her eyes, because Zedd is astonishingly talented at stating the obvious.
The fun Kahlan, the one who's still a Confessor, smiles with some satisfaction. Cara raises one of her agiels, quirking her eyebrow at Kahlan.
When Kahlan speaks, she's looking straight at Cara. "I guess that means you're stuck with the both of us for awhile longer."
*
To say that the Mother Confessor is furious about being forced away from Aydindril would be an understatement. It takes reasoning (Zedd), pleading (Richard) and finally some good old fashioned threatening (Cara), before they finally manage to get her to depart with them.
Traveling with two Kahlans might take some getting used to, but as far as Cara can see, there are no downsides. Kahlan is an excellent fighter, and two of her is a welcome strategic asset. Protecting Lord Rahl is a hard job, and surely two Kahlans are going to be better than one.
Of course, neither of the Kahlans are particularly happy about being on the road again, and if Cara hadn't walked behind them, idly toying with one of her agiels, it's entirely possible they wouldn't have moved at all.
When night falls and they have to make camp, Richard pulls Cara aside.
She gives him a look, not entirely sure she heard him right. "You want me to tie her up," she says, somewhat disbelieving, "and use any means necessary to keep her well-behaved?"
"Both of them," Richard says, nodding. "Our Kahlan was confessed, she's going to do whatever the other Kahlan tells her to do."
Cara purses her lips, putting one hand on her hip. "I suppose I can manage that."
It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.
*
Cara ties the confessed Kahlan up first. After a look to the other Kahlan - who makes a face, but eventually nods - she holds her hands out in front of her, looking at Cara with a smile.
It's eerie to see Kahlan like this, obedient to a fault, and Cara ties her hands quickly, before moving on to the other Kahlan. She doesn't offer her hands voluntarily.
"Hands," Cara says as she looks intently at her.
"You don't have to tie me up," Kahlan says.
Cara acts quickly, capturing Kahlan's hands and turning her roughly so that she can bind her hands behind her back. She has rope two rounds around Kahlan's wrists before she's had the time to react.
"How am I supposed to sleep with my hands behind my back?" Kahlan says. "You tied her hands at the front."
Cara tightens the rope a little bit further, smirking as it makes Kahlan let out a small sound of discomfort. "She isn't a Confessor."
"You don't have to tie me up," Kahlan repeats. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Why would I trust that?"
Kahlan turns her head to the side, trying to look at Cara. "Confessors don't lie."
Tugging a final time on the ropes, Cara leans in to speak quietly in Kahlan's ear. "I enjoy tying people up."
Once Cara has released the hold on her, Kahlan turns around. "I'm not stupid," she says. "I know you're not going to let me go back to Aydindril. So I've decided that the fastest way for me to get back home is to help you find the Stone of Tears as quickly as possible."
Cara shoots her an appraising look, crossing her arms before her chest. "No more delays?"
"Between the two of us, I'm sure we can make Richard see reason," Kahlan says.
"Kahlan would not use her influence over Lord Rahl in such a way."
Kahlan cocks her head, the beginnings of a hard smirk tugging the corners of her mouth up. "Maybe the other Kahlan wouldn't. Her weakness for the Seeker and her emotions were always getting in the way of more important things. I'm glad to be rid of them."
Cara nods. "Those emotions made you weak."
Raising her chin, Kahlan's smile widens. "I think you and I are going to get along very well."
*
The next night, Cara ties the Confessor's hands significantly less tightly.
It is a test, of sorts.
She lies with her back to Kahlan, eyes closed, and listens as she, with some effort, manages to get her hands free. It would have taken Cara no more than twenty heartbeats, but Kahlan is not a Mord'Sith. Still, she does manage it without making too much commotion.
There is a moment of silence after that, as if Kahlan is considering her options, but in the end she simply lies down on her bedroll.
Cara is almost disappointed.
*
It's true, Kahlan does what she can to make their journey go faster, but Richard is distant and mostly leaves both Kahlans for Cara to entertain.
Sometimes Cara finds it hard not to stare at the two of them. The confessed Kahlan doesn't do much, other than follow her mistress around like a puppy. There is something both fascinating and deeply disturbing about watching one Kahlan be so subservient, and the other being so unabashedly forceful. It seems likely that Zedd will eventually figure out a way to put them back together into one person again, but Cara thinks she could definitely get used to having the both of them around.
"You're very fast," the Confessor remarks a few nights later. "In Aydindril, you disarmed me much quicker than I would have thought."
It is a statement of fact, and not one Cara can argue with. "I am Mord'Sith," she says simply.
Kahlan gives her a look that's no doubt supposed to be innocent. It's not this Kahlan's strong suit.
"Perhaps," she says, lowering her gaze briefly, before giving Cara a small smile, "we could spar sometime?"
"Mord'Sith don't spar."
"If all you want is to protect your Lord Rahl, wouldn't it be beneficial to improve my skills?"
Cara raises an eyebrow. "Richard would not appreciate if I killed you."
Kahlan's smile becomes bigger, and there is nothing innocent about it now. "Then don't kill me."
There are two identical sets of Confessor daggers in Cara's bag. She hands a pair of them over to Kahlan, then casually saunters away from camp. The Confessor follows her without a word.
*
There is a reason, beyond being Mord'Sith, that Cara did not find it very difficult to put Kahlan on her knees in Aydindril.
When Cara first started following Richard, she did not neglect to notice the way Zedd and Kahlan slept with daggers in their hands. They did not trust her.
She did not particularly trust them either.
It did not take long for her to decide that, among them, Kahlan was the biggest threat. In the Drowning Caves, the Confessor had grasped Cara's neck with barely contained force, and for a moment, Cara had found herself rather curious about what death by confession was like.
They said it was the most pain a Mord'Sith could ever feel.
In those first weeks, Cara spent a lot of time thinking about it, carefully observing the way Kahlan moved in battle and learning her strengths and weaknesses. Even later, when they had reached some kind of impasse and Kahlan no longer bothered to sleep with a dagger in her hand, Cara watched.
It makes battle more efficient to know your companions' movements, that is all, and Kahlan does not fight at all like Mord'Sith. It's the reason why it wasn't difficult for Cara to make Kahlan surrender in Aydindril, with a few select strikes and little effort. But Kahlan is a very quick study.
Cara is careful at first, practically gentle, because, no matter what Kahlan says, Cara is fairly certain that Richard won't like it at all if Kahlan returns to camp injured. She blocks Kahlan's attacks, occasionally letting her agiels lightly graze Kahlan's arms or shoulders, but she avoids sensitive areas and she makes no real effort to attack.
Then Kahlan strikes, suddenly, and before Cara can block her, the tip of Kahlan's dagger cuts across her cheek. Kahlan steps back, and Cara brings a hand up to the sting on her face, wiping away blood.
It's hardly worth mentioning at all, except, when Cara looks back up, Kahlan is smiling.
Cara is beginning to suspect that this Kahlan is not very much like the real one at all.
Next thing she knows, Kahlan is charging forward again, and this time she is quick and ruthless in a way that Cara doesn't recognize. Being cautious and defensive in battle are not skills Cara has bothered to polish, and, when Kahlan lets one of her daggers drop, instead seizing Cara by the throat, Cara finds herself shoved hard against a tree.
"I could confess you, you know," Kahlan says, breathing quickly and baring her teeth in something that isn't quite a smile. "I don't think Richard and Zedd would find it so easy to stop me going back to Aydindril without you on their side."
Cara doesn't move. It's like the Drowning Caves again, before she knew Kahlan, and she's not sure if the woman in front of her would take such a step - releasing her magic against someone who isn't her enemy. Kahlan's hand flexes against Cara's neck, and Cara can feel her own pulse beating hard against Kahlan's grip. She can almost feel the magic in the air around them, in the tension of Kahlan's limbs.
A thrill runs down Cara's spine at the thought, at the danger.
But if Kahlan wants to confess her, it won't be easy. Cara slams her agiel into Kahlan's elbow, at the same time shoving her away with a hand to her chest. There is nothing gentle about how she fights now, and though Kahlan responds in kind, this is what Cara does, what she is. An unstoppable force of death and destruction, like all Mord'Sith.
It does not take long for Cara to have Kahlan on her back, one of her agiels hovering just an inch above her chest.
Kahlan is panting underneath her, but when Cara meets her eyes, she smiles again, one eyebrow raising in challenge. "Would you?" she says, and Cara knows exactly what she's asking.
Cara grips the agiel tighter.
"If I had to," she says, imbuing her voice with nonchalance. Not so many months ago the answer would have been an unequivocal 'yes', and for a moment she finds herself bothered by the fact that it is no longer so easy to say it.
If Kahlan intends to question her further, she does not get the chance.
"Cara, what are you doing?"
It's Richard, and, when Cara looks to see him standing a few paces away, she feels suddenly guilty.
"Sparring?" she says as he stares at her and the agiel she has dangerously close to Kahlan's heaving chest. "She started it," she adds, for good measure.
Richard looks doubtful, but then he hasn't spent as much time with this Kahlan as Cara has. When Cara rises and steps away from Kahlan, Richard squats beside her, putting a hand to her arm. "Are you all right?"
Kahlan shrugs his hand away and gets to her feet quickly. "Don't be ridiculous."
The forlorn look on his face makes Cara roll her eyes.
As Kahlan starts to head back to camp, Cara trails behind, speaking to Richard in a voice low enough not to carry. "She's... difficult. Keeping her distracted means less problems for everyone."
Richard runs a hand through his hair, suddenly looking very tired. "You're right," he says. "You're doing good. I didn't mean to second-guess your choices. From now on, I trust you to take full responsibility for her, however you see fit."
It's not an order - Richard never gives her orders - but the tone of his voice makes Cara straighten her back instinctively. "Yes," she says.
She resists the urge to follow it with a 'Lord Rahl', but only just. Even unspoken, it tastes sweet on her tongue.
*
There is a bruise across Kahlan's jaw, and it's difficult for Cara not to let her gaze linger on it.
Sleep had not come easy after their sparring session, and another day of walking did nothing to quell the restlessness blooming within her. Tracing a finger across the shallow gash on her own cheek, Cara says, "You're not very much like the real Kahlan."
Kahlan bends down to pick up another dry stick for the fire. Her smile is not of the sort that Cara has ever seen on the real Kahlan. "Things are much clearer now."
When Kahlan rises, she lets one hand graze the dagger in her boot, in a manner that is most suggestive. Cara had taken her daggers after their sparring, but in the morning, she'd handed both Kahlans their daggers back. She'll probably take them away again before they sleep, but if Banelings attack during the day, it is better if they're all armed.
Cara drops her hand down to the handle of an agiel in response.
"It's still early," Kahlan says, quirking an eyebrow. "There's no rush to get the fire started."
When they return to camp, some time later, Kahlan is limping, and Cara has a fresh cut running down her neck.
*
It becomes a habit.
There is something irresistibly Mord'Sith about it, the giving and receiving of pain in a way that is both playful and very serious. It is easy for Cara to get lost in it, to find herself craving it.
The exhilaration of it is such that Cara doesn't realize how much better at anticipating her movements Kahlan is getting until she once again finds herself shoved, back first, into a tree, with enough force that the air leaves her lungs in a rush. Kahlan looks her straight in the eye, and Cara feels the hand around her throat squeezing.
"Are you trying to confess me or choke me?" Cara asks, making no move to counteract.
Kahlan raises an eyebrow. "Maybe I haven't decided yet."
"I grow tired of waiting."
"Well," Kahlan says, "we can't have that."
It's not what Cara expects; Kahlan leans forward to place a kiss that is much too soft on Cara's lips, and for a moment, the contrast between the strength with which Kahlan is still holding on to Cara's throat, and the way her lips are almost careful, leaves her unsure.
But Kahlan is wrong if she thinks this is not Cara's territory. She pushes forward, forcing her lips to press more firmly against Kahlan's, letting her tongue slide against her lower lip. Taking advantage of Kahlan's distraction, Cara slams her arm away easily.
"Fair enough," Kahlan breathes against Cara's mouth, hands coming down to rest on Cara's hips instead, thumbs pressing into her stomach with just the right amount of pain.
Cara jerks her head back, licking her lips. "What's this for?"
"It is so hard to believe that I could want you?" Kahlan says, face a study in innocence. It makes her look just like the real Kahlan, enough that Cara almost forgets that she is very much not.
Licking her lips, Cara grips her agiels tighter. "You love Richard."
"She loves Richard," Kahlan says forcefully. "I don't care about her feelings. They made her weak and I want no part of them."
The words are true. Cara has tried and failed to make Kahlan realize this before, maybe that's the reason why hearing her say such things seems so eerie.
Cara remains quiet, eying Kahlan warily as she slides one of her hands up, across Cara's leather, skimming over her clavicle. It makes her heart race, want building lower down, and something inside of her aches with need at the thought.
"You're proving to be quite fun as means of distraction from this boring quest. Don't try to pretend you haven't thought about it."
Of course she's thought about it. Kahlan slides her finger down the valley between Cara's breasts, and all Cara can think about is the many times she's thought about this exact thing.
Cara is certainly not in the habit of turning down advances from beautiful women. But it's Kahlan. "I suspect the real Kahlan would regret such a thing," she says, forcing indifference into her voice.
"Assuming Zedd manages to get his magic to work on me. I'm not holding my breath," Kahlan says.
Her hand moves to cup Cara's breast as she bends down to lick across the half-healed cut on Cara's neck, and some months ago, there would have been no reason for Cara to think twice about this. Her hips jerk into Kahlan's, a moan rumbling deep in her chest, and she forces Kahlan's mouth harder against her neck with a hand on her scalp.
Pleasure and pain is what she lives and breathes, and she's never had cause to deny herself something she wants. But traveling with Richard and Kahlan and Zedd, she's come to understand that there are things considered Wrong and other things considered Right. It all seems very complicated, but they expect her to comply to this arbitrary set of rules, and so Cara has tried.
She's tried really hard.
She is almost certain that engaging in these kinds of activities with Kahlan would be considered Wrong and something that would be frowned upon. In any case, it's enough of a gray area that she's not willing to chance it. This is really the sort of thing Richard or Zedd should be dealing with, Cara thinks. She is good for tying people up and inflicting pain and keeping things in order, not things like this.
Cara really doesn't know how, between herself and Kahlan, she ended up being the one with a conscience. It doesn't suit her; it doesn't suit her at all.
With an exasperated sigh, she pushes Kahlan away. "I have no wish to die by Confession," she says.
Before Kahlan can gather herself enough to fight back, Cara puts one agiel to her side, over her ribs, where it will be especially painful.
Kahlan screams, falling to her knees, and Cara takes a step away. "Touch me again, and I will make you hurt worse than this." After a moment's consideration, she adds: "And not in a good way."
*
It is the end of things, as far as Cara is concerned, but this Kahlan is far more devious than she expects.
Later, when Richard and Zedd are snoring in a corner of the camp, Cara gets ready to stay on guard duty for a few hours. The confessed Kahlan is sitting on her bed roll, yawning, when the other Kahlan, the Mother Confessor, sits down next to her.
Kahlan bends her head down in supplication. "Mistress."
The Confessor reaches out a hand to caress her cheek, stroking a lock of hair behind her ear. Cara turns her back, crossing her arms as she stands stiffly, staring out into the dark.
"When you realized you had no Confessor magic, before you reached Aydindril," Cara hears Kahlan say behind her. "Were you and Richard... together?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"Oh, that's interesting. It's more than I expected from you. Cara, did you know?"
Cara shifts, rolling her eyes even though neither Kahlan can see her. "Of course I knew."
She knows what the next words out of Kahlan's mouth will be before she says them. Her voice is soft and low, almost a whisper. "Why don't you tell me all about it, Kahlan?"
It's only a lifetime of Mord'Sith discipline that keeps Cara immobile.
Kahlan speaks, and Cara remains still, directing her senses away from the camp, toward the darkness around them, and tries very hard not to listen to what Kahlan says because she remembers it far too well. They had walked a distance from camp, but sound travels far in the forest at night. Sound travels very far.
Cara had pressed her back against a tree, keeping her arms crossed as quiet rustling and soft female sounds had reached her ears. It had amused her, that Kahlan and Richard had stopped resisting. The thought of them together hadn't been unpleasant at all, and she had allowed herself the fantasy for a few moments. It was a cold night, and the sounds in the distance made her warm. Gradually, Richard had faded away in her mind, and she had closed her eyes and imagined Kahlan beneath her, body displayed in the moonlight. The air had not seemed very cold at all when Cara considered the things she would do to force those sounds and more out of her.
Kahlan speaks, and those images come back, even though Cara would rather not remember. There is nothing strange about wanting a man or a woman, but the situation is complicated. Before, it had been a given that Mord'Sith would find pleasure amongst themselves as well as with Lord Rahl. But Richard is a different man from Darken Rahl, and Cara finds herself unsure. It is a feeling she hates more than anything.
"Stop. Talking," Cara snaps, turning around to face them and glaring them down to make sure they know she's serious. "I have no interest in listening to your pointless blathering."
There's a very dangerous glint in Kahlan's eyes as she smiles.
*
A momentary slip, that is all it takes, and then Cara finds herself in the Underworld.
For a brief moment, before calling for Darken Rahl, she wonders if staying dead might, in fact, be less straining than going back to the Mother Confessor.
But it's only a moment, because Cara is Mord'Sith, and the only thing that matters to a Mord'Sith is Lord Rahl. Two Kahlans aren't as great an idea as Cara had thought at first, and Richard needs Cara more than ever. And maybe it is something more, too, a new sort of desperation, one she doesn't recognize and doesn't want to dwell on, in the pit of her stomach.
She has to get back.
Darken Rahl knows things about her that Richard never will, and it seems like he sees right through her now, his smile becoming amused as she states her request. But whatever it is that he sees, he eventually agrees, and Cara wakes up in the forest, gasping for air and life.
Cara is not accustomed to failure, and when the others find out and everything falls apart, she thinks that maybe this is a fitting end after all. Causing pain and death is what she does, and she's not sure why she could not bring herself to put her knife in Thaddicus's back. It's not the sort of thing that would have troubled her in the past.
If she has changed, she fears it is not for the better.
When the Shadow Water makes its way down her throat, it tastes sweeter than anything has before. It invades every part of her, making her feel more alive than ever, but when the feeling dissipates, it leaves an uncomfortable tightness in her chest.
It's a lot like what she'd imagine guilt feels like, if she were the sort of person who could feel such a thing.
Kahlan lets it go without a word, and that is the only blessing through it all: that the real Kahlan isn't there. She'd think her a monster for taking Rahl's deal, Cara is sure of it.
It all leaves her feeling dangerously on edge; weary and jittery, both at once, an insistent restlessness that refuses to go away. And she is thoroughly tired of the way Kahlan looks at her, halfway to amused and far too knowing.
What she needs is someone else, the press of another body to hers, warmth and friction.
Stalking into town and the first tavern in sight, Cara is not very picky.
*
Richard is on watch when she slinks back into camp.
"You look better," he says. "Good hunt?"
Not even Richard is naive enough to think that she hunted anything but human prey, but he does seem concerned, so Cara smiles and thinks about how she feels pleasantly relaxed all over. "I always catch the prey I intend for, Lord Rahl."
"Of course," Richard says with a smile.
Cara doesn't have to look to know that Kahlan is watching.
*
And then Kahlan is kidnapped by gars.
Richard says, "All we need is a princess," and Cara nods, because the idea of the other Kahlan dressed up as a princess, confessed and sweet, is not entirely unpleasant.
It takes a moment for her to realize that Richard and Zedd are looking rather pointedly at her.
"But Kahlan," she says, gesturing towards her and hating the way she sounds almost desperate. "She'd make a great princess!"
"They'd recognize her," Zedd says, "and I can't use magic to change her appearance. She can't come with us."
Cara's shoulders slump forward a little. "I could... braid her hair."
"I don't think that would fool anyone." Richard pats her back in a way that's probably supposed to be encouraging. "I know you can do it."
Of course she can do it.
It's just that she really, really doesn't want to.
*
It's probably the hardest thing Cara has had to do, but if wearing a dress and rhyming is what it takes, she will wear a dress and rhyme, for higher justice and peace or whatever else it is that Richard likes to talk about. Or, at least, she'll do it for Kahlan.
Even if Kahlan, strictly speaking, isn't quite herself at present.
It's Richard who decides that they wait until morning before leaving the castle. The Margrave won't be bothering them for a good long while, and, as long as Nicci is out there, they will be safer walking in daylight.
That makes it Richard's fault. Cara is almost sure of it. He is the one who makes her walk in circles in the woods, on some endless quest that means nothing to her. He is the one who gave her responsibility she never wanted.
But then, he is Lord Rahl, and it is his right to do whatever he pleases.
Perhaps instead, Kahlan is the one who is really at fault.
Not so many months ago Cara had been one of Darken Rahl's most trusted Mord'Sith, the one who got things done when everyone else failed. She tortured and killed, and she reveled in it, never stopping to consider anyone else's misplaced sense of ethics. If anyone is to blame, it is Kahlan - the real Kahlan, and her never-ending attempts to make a friend out of a someone who would never stoop to such weakness. Mord'Sith do not have friends, but Cara is beginning to realize that being around Kahlan has bred complacency and flaw in areas where her Sisters had used to make her strong.
"Where's the other Kahlan?" Cara asks when she opens the door to the room she's meant to share with them both.
"I told her to sleep elsewhere," the Mother Confessor says. "I don't know what Richard was thinking. This room is clearly not big enough for three."
Cara stands still in the doorway, taking stock of the situation.
She's in a dress. A pink dress, and she's been forced to rhyme, pretend to be sweet and act like a lesser being all day. She is thoroughly tired of trying to be someone she's not. No Mord'Sith should care about doing what's right.
It's time Cara did something about it.
Slamming the door shut, Cara grins at Kahlan, letting every bit of malicious intent she has become visible on her face and in the cant of her hips as she slowly walks closer. "No more teasing, Mother Confessor."
The blow she aims at Kahlan's face is more like a challenge than anything.
Kahlan ducks, and blocks the next punch as she spins around and smacks her elbow at Cara's side, over her ribs. Only momentarily distracted, Cara puts her knee to Kahlan's midsection, pleased to see her double over.
Cara steps back, casually walking to the other side of the room, adjusting her dress.
Next thing she knows, there's a chair flying towards her. Instinct has her raising an arm to protect her head, but the chair crashes into her with enough force to floor her.
Kahlan is grinning madly when Cara gets out from under what's left of the chair, brushing splints from her dress. Kahlan has already picked up another chair, but this time Cara has time to duck. The chair hits the wall behind her, breaking in two.
A third one meets the same fate. A fourth breaks against the desk, just as Cara ducks under it.
"You're out of chairs, Mother Confessor." Cara waits until Kahlan comes closer, and then pushes at the desk from underneath, hard enough to flip it over. It doesn't hit Kahlan, but it forces her off-balance, and Cara backhands her across the face, so with enough strength that Kahlan staggers backwards. Her lip is bleeding when she looks back at Cara, and her tongue darts out to taste it as she stares.
Cara touches a hand to her forehead, and realizes that she's bleeding too. She remains still as Kahlan moves closer, wrapping her fingers around Cara's neck.
"Your powers are useless here," Cara says with a smirk.
Instead, Kahlan draws a dagger from her boot and places the tip of it just below Cara's jaw. Cara shifts forward quickly, pushing her hips against Kahlan's, and giving her a hard kiss on the mouth, enjoying the taste of blood. The dagger is pressed more forcefully under her jaw, piercing the skin there and forcing Cara to tip her head back as a drop of blood trickles down her neck. Then Cara finds herself slammed into the floor, easily swept off her feet, with Kahlan grinning like a maniac above her. She's still holding the dagger, resting it against Cara's chest.
It would not be so difficult for Cara to overpower Kahlan. She does not need her agiels to gain the upper hand, and without Confessor magic, Kahlan is not the threat she would be otherwise.
But Cara sprawls back, relaxing against the floor, even as Kahlan makes a quick cut through Cara's dress, sliding the dagger down her cleavage and splitting the dress open all along her stomach and down to her toes. Her skin is nicked by the blade, just below her belly button, and the muscles in her stomach twitch.
"You are not very much like Kahlan at all," Cara observes, detached. The dress is little more than rags now, and she is as good as naked beneath Kahlan, goosebumps rising on her skin as Kahlan looks at her. With a smirk, Kahlan traces the dagger up Cara's body, pressure sharp but not enough to break the skin. Across her ribs and up, the dagger teases circles on her breast, the tip of it finding her nipple before it slides to where her heart is beating as hard as it ever has.
"I'm here in all the ways that count," Kahlan says, and the dagger is pressed down more firmly against Cara's chest. Kahlan's mouth is there next, warmth contrasting the cold blade.
"Maybe some deep, dark part of the other Kahlan wanted this," she continues. Cara opens her legs wider as Kahlan's hand wanders there, idly teasing. "And I got all of the darkest parts of her, without any of the feelings that made her suppress all her most interesting urges."
"You're wrong," Cara says, resolutely holding her moan back as Kahlan rolls on top of her more fully, pushing three fingers inside. Pleasure and pain mingle into something irresistible. "Kahlan would never want something like this."
Kahlan rolls her eyes, moving her hips in time with her fingers and putting her thigh behind her hand as leverage. The pressure of her palm is quite perfect. "Oh, don't tell me you have feelings for her."
"Don't be ridiculous."
"Then what?"
Cara isn't even sure what. She grabs Kahlan's hair instead, tugging her head down hard until she can attack her lips with her mouth. Not bothering to hold back anymore, she groans, wrapping a leg around Kahlan's hip, and lets her body have what it wants.
It is not failure. The weakness lies in the fact that she denied herself this for so long, for no reason other than an attempt to comply to the rules of lesser people. A Mord'Sith takes what she wants, and whatever ideals the others try to force on her, she will always be Mord'Sith. She focuses on this when she climaxes, as her back arches so that she is pressed even closer to Kahlan and the soft white cloth of her dress.
Then, swiftly, she flips Kahlan over, pinning her down for a few moments until she's regained her breath. Standing up, she pulls Kahlan with her, pushing her roughly onto the bed. The last remnants of Cara's dress fall away from her body, and she is naked.
"The bed in Aydindril had a padded headboard," Kahlan says, smile challenging. "But I guess we'll have to make do without it."
*
Nothing has ever felt better, Cara thinks, than pulling her old leathers on again. It makes her feel almost like herself again, like someone strong. Like a Mord'Sith.
By now, she is used to doing the laces herself, but when she suddenly feels Kahlan at her back, she allows her to take over the task. Their bruises are turning blue and purple, cuts red, and Cara is sore in a way that's all pleasure and familiarity.
"You're not a very good Mord'Sith anymore."
The hairs on the back of Cara's neck stand up, and for a moment she can't be sure if Kahlan actually spoke out loud. They are the same words she's been repeating to herself for weeks.
Cara lets her hand slip along the handle of one agiel, longing for pain that isn't there.
There's a careful knock on the door, and when Kahlan opens it, there's Richard. He stares at the bruises on her face for a beat, before she rolls her eyes. "I'll go find Kahlan," she says, pushing past him and walking off.
At the sight of Cara, Richard stares some more, and when he notices the state of the room, he rubs his hand across his brow. "What happened to the room? Was she difficult?"
Cara traces a hand across the cut on her forehead, focusing on the dull ache of it. "Very."
*
It's not many days later that Zedd finds a way to reverse the spell.
There is smoke, and fireworks, as is expected, and then she's there again. The real Kahlan. One of her instead of two, and the others are gone for good.
Cara glares at the ground in front of her, not bothering to swipe away the hair that falls in her face.
"Where are we?" Kahlan says, sounding groggy and confused as Richard helps her stand.
"Don't you remember?" he says, and Kahlan rubs her temple for a moment.
"The medallion. It didn't work?"
"You remember nothing?" Cara demands, sharper than she intended.
There is only confusion on Kahlan's face. Confusion, and the gentle strength that Cara had almost forgotten about. This is not the Kahlan they were left with when the medallion broke, nor the one Cara has struggled with ever since leaving Aydindril. The change is so obvious that Cara doesn't understand how they were ever fooled.
It is, of course, better this way.
No explanations or unwanted tension, or Kahlan wanting to discuss her feelings. In fact, it is as if nothing ever happened, and, in Cara's opinion, that is really the best way things could turn out.
She lets Richard and Zedd fill Kahlan in on the details, leaving camp to go hunting. When she returns with fresh meat for Zedd to prepare, Kahlan puts a careful hand on her arm. It is the sort of touch that Kahlan always offers, naturally, as if it doesn't even require any thought.
The other Kahlan had done nothing like that, and Cara stiffens.
"Richard told me that you took care of them," Kahlan says. "Of me. I wanted to thank you."
"It didn't require any great effort."
Kahlan tilts her head, looking at Cara intently for a moment. Reaching out a hand, she brushes a stray hair away from Cara's cheeks. Cara flinches, the tips of Kahlan's fingers barely touching her face.
"How odd," Kahlan says.
"What?"
"Nothing." Kahlan smiles and shakes her head slightly. "Nothing."
"You should be with Richard," Cara says. "He missed you so much he made all of us miserable with his pouting."
Kahlan is still smiling, glancing in Richard's direction with fondness, before turning back to Cara. "Did you get along with her, the other Kahlan?"
"Of course I did," Cara says, lips quirking into a hard grin. "She was you, but without all the things that make you weak. You should strive to be more like her."
If it is not truth, then it is a lie that will keep her strong.
Author: hibernate
Pairing/character: Cara/Kahlan (Cara/Confessor!Kahlan, feelings!Kahlan)
Rating: Adult / NC-17
Wordcount: ~6,400 words
Warnings: Non-graphic violence, some knife play
Note: Torn AU, for au_bingo: canon event changed. Presumes knowledge of episodes 2x10: Torn, through 2x13: Princess. commoncomitatus deserves an award for betaing like a superstar and talking to me calmly. I'm pretty sure this is all her fault, so that's as it should be.
Summary: In which Cara has two very different Kahlans on her hands and fails spectacularly at handling it. There are some feelings too.
Also archived on AO3.
It's odd, Cara thinks, to see them standing side by side. Kahlan and Kahlan, in different clothes, but more alike than twins. They both seem resigned to whatever it is Zedd is planning, but Cara stands ready anyway, agiels in her hands. She's not taking any risks, no matter how trusting Richard and Zedd are.
"Do it," Richard says, and Zedd puts the two halves of the medallion together, waving his hand over them and muttering words to himself.
The rising magic makes goosebumps rise on the back of Cara's neck, but the usual fireworks and conspicuous smoke that tends to come with the use of powerful magic (wizards all seem to have a flare for dramatics) are nowhere to be seen, and there are still two Kahlans in front of them.
Zedd clears his throat, looking left and then right before letting his gaze drop back to the split medallion in his hands and repeating the words.
The result is the same: an astounding lack of anything at all.
"What are you waiting for, Wizard?" Cara demands impatiently. "A salute?"
Zedd knocks on one of the medallion halves. "It... it doesn't appear to be working."
Cara rolls her eyes, because Zedd is astonishingly talented at stating the obvious.
The fun Kahlan, the one who's still a Confessor, smiles with some satisfaction. Cara raises one of her agiels, quirking her eyebrow at Kahlan.
When Kahlan speaks, she's looking straight at Cara. "I guess that means you're stuck with the both of us for awhile longer."
*
To say that the Mother Confessor is furious about being forced away from Aydindril would be an understatement. It takes reasoning (Zedd), pleading (Richard) and finally some good old fashioned threatening (Cara), before they finally manage to get her to depart with them.
Traveling with two Kahlans might take some getting used to, but as far as Cara can see, there are no downsides. Kahlan is an excellent fighter, and two of her is a welcome strategic asset. Protecting Lord Rahl is a hard job, and surely two Kahlans are going to be better than one.
Of course, neither of the Kahlans are particularly happy about being on the road again, and if Cara hadn't walked behind them, idly toying with one of her agiels, it's entirely possible they wouldn't have moved at all.
When night falls and they have to make camp, Richard pulls Cara aside.
She gives him a look, not entirely sure she heard him right. "You want me to tie her up," she says, somewhat disbelieving, "and use any means necessary to keep her well-behaved?"
"Both of them," Richard says, nodding. "Our Kahlan was confessed, she's going to do whatever the other Kahlan tells her to do."
Cara purses her lips, putting one hand on her hip. "I suppose I can manage that."
It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.
*
Cara ties the confessed Kahlan up first. After a look to the other Kahlan - who makes a face, but eventually nods - she holds her hands out in front of her, looking at Cara with a smile.
It's eerie to see Kahlan like this, obedient to a fault, and Cara ties her hands quickly, before moving on to the other Kahlan. She doesn't offer her hands voluntarily.
"Hands," Cara says as she looks intently at her.
"You don't have to tie me up," Kahlan says.
Cara acts quickly, capturing Kahlan's hands and turning her roughly so that she can bind her hands behind her back. She has rope two rounds around Kahlan's wrists before she's had the time to react.
"How am I supposed to sleep with my hands behind my back?" Kahlan says. "You tied her hands at the front."
Cara tightens the rope a little bit further, smirking as it makes Kahlan let out a small sound of discomfort. "She isn't a Confessor."
"You don't have to tie me up," Kahlan repeats. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Why would I trust that?"
Kahlan turns her head to the side, trying to look at Cara. "Confessors don't lie."
Tugging a final time on the ropes, Cara leans in to speak quietly in Kahlan's ear. "I enjoy tying people up."
Once Cara has released the hold on her, Kahlan turns around. "I'm not stupid," she says. "I know you're not going to let me go back to Aydindril. So I've decided that the fastest way for me to get back home is to help you find the Stone of Tears as quickly as possible."
Cara shoots her an appraising look, crossing her arms before her chest. "No more delays?"
"Between the two of us, I'm sure we can make Richard see reason," Kahlan says.
"Kahlan would not use her influence over Lord Rahl in such a way."
Kahlan cocks her head, the beginnings of a hard smirk tugging the corners of her mouth up. "Maybe the other Kahlan wouldn't. Her weakness for the Seeker and her emotions were always getting in the way of more important things. I'm glad to be rid of them."
Cara nods. "Those emotions made you weak."
Raising her chin, Kahlan's smile widens. "I think you and I are going to get along very well."
*
The next night, Cara ties the Confessor's hands significantly less tightly.
It is a test, of sorts.
She lies with her back to Kahlan, eyes closed, and listens as she, with some effort, manages to get her hands free. It would have taken Cara no more than twenty heartbeats, but Kahlan is not a Mord'Sith. Still, she does manage it without making too much commotion.
There is a moment of silence after that, as if Kahlan is considering her options, but in the end she simply lies down on her bedroll.
Cara is almost disappointed.
*
It's true, Kahlan does what she can to make their journey go faster, but Richard is distant and mostly leaves both Kahlans for Cara to entertain.
Sometimes Cara finds it hard not to stare at the two of them. The confessed Kahlan doesn't do much, other than follow her mistress around like a puppy. There is something both fascinating and deeply disturbing about watching one Kahlan be so subservient, and the other being so unabashedly forceful. It seems likely that Zedd will eventually figure out a way to put them back together into one person again, but Cara thinks she could definitely get used to having the both of them around.
"You're very fast," the Confessor remarks a few nights later. "In Aydindril, you disarmed me much quicker than I would have thought."
It is a statement of fact, and not one Cara can argue with. "I am Mord'Sith," she says simply.
Kahlan gives her a look that's no doubt supposed to be innocent. It's not this Kahlan's strong suit.
"Perhaps," she says, lowering her gaze briefly, before giving Cara a small smile, "we could spar sometime?"
"Mord'Sith don't spar."
"If all you want is to protect your Lord Rahl, wouldn't it be beneficial to improve my skills?"
Cara raises an eyebrow. "Richard would not appreciate if I killed you."
Kahlan's smile becomes bigger, and there is nothing innocent about it now. "Then don't kill me."
There are two identical sets of Confessor daggers in Cara's bag. She hands a pair of them over to Kahlan, then casually saunters away from camp. The Confessor follows her without a word.
*
There is a reason, beyond being Mord'Sith, that Cara did not find it very difficult to put Kahlan on her knees in Aydindril.
When Cara first started following Richard, she did not neglect to notice the way Zedd and Kahlan slept with daggers in their hands. They did not trust her.
She did not particularly trust them either.
It did not take long for her to decide that, among them, Kahlan was the biggest threat. In the Drowning Caves, the Confessor had grasped Cara's neck with barely contained force, and for a moment, Cara had found herself rather curious about what death by confession was like.
They said it was the most pain a Mord'Sith could ever feel.
In those first weeks, Cara spent a lot of time thinking about it, carefully observing the way Kahlan moved in battle and learning her strengths and weaknesses. Even later, when they had reached some kind of impasse and Kahlan no longer bothered to sleep with a dagger in her hand, Cara watched.
It makes battle more efficient to know your companions' movements, that is all, and Kahlan does not fight at all like Mord'Sith. It's the reason why it wasn't difficult for Cara to make Kahlan surrender in Aydindril, with a few select strikes and little effort. But Kahlan is a very quick study.
Cara is careful at first, practically gentle, because, no matter what Kahlan says, Cara is fairly certain that Richard won't like it at all if Kahlan returns to camp injured. She blocks Kahlan's attacks, occasionally letting her agiels lightly graze Kahlan's arms or shoulders, but she avoids sensitive areas and she makes no real effort to attack.
Then Kahlan strikes, suddenly, and before Cara can block her, the tip of Kahlan's dagger cuts across her cheek. Kahlan steps back, and Cara brings a hand up to the sting on her face, wiping away blood.
It's hardly worth mentioning at all, except, when Cara looks back up, Kahlan is smiling.
Cara is beginning to suspect that this Kahlan is not very much like the real one at all.
Next thing she knows, Kahlan is charging forward again, and this time she is quick and ruthless in a way that Cara doesn't recognize. Being cautious and defensive in battle are not skills Cara has bothered to polish, and, when Kahlan lets one of her daggers drop, instead seizing Cara by the throat, Cara finds herself shoved hard against a tree.
"I could confess you, you know," Kahlan says, breathing quickly and baring her teeth in something that isn't quite a smile. "I don't think Richard and Zedd would find it so easy to stop me going back to Aydindril without you on their side."
Cara doesn't move. It's like the Drowning Caves again, before she knew Kahlan, and she's not sure if the woman in front of her would take such a step - releasing her magic against someone who isn't her enemy. Kahlan's hand flexes against Cara's neck, and Cara can feel her own pulse beating hard against Kahlan's grip. She can almost feel the magic in the air around them, in the tension of Kahlan's limbs.
A thrill runs down Cara's spine at the thought, at the danger.
But if Kahlan wants to confess her, it won't be easy. Cara slams her agiel into Kahlan's elbow, at the same time shoving her away with a hand to her chest. There is nothing gentle about how she fights now, and though Kahlan responds in kind, this is what Cara does, what she is. An unstoppable force of death and destruction, like all Mord'Sith.
It does not take long for Cara to have Kahlan on her back, one of her agiels hovering just an inch above her chest.
Kahlan is panting underneath her, but when Cara meets her eyes, she smiles again, one eyebrow raising in challenge. "Would you?" she says, and Cara knows exactly what she's asking.
Cara grips the agiel tighter.
"If I had to," she says, imbuing her voice with nonchalance. Not so many months ago the answer would have been an unequivocal 'yes', and for a moment she finds herself bothered by the fact that it is no longer so easy to say it.
If Kahlan intends to question her further, she does not get the chance.
"Cara, what are you doing?"
It's Richard, and, when Cara looks to see him standing a few paces away, she feels suddenly guilty.
"Sparring?" she says as he stares at her and the agiel she has dangerously close to Kahlan's heaving chest. "She started it," she adds, for good measure.
Richard looks doubtful, but then he hasn't spent as much time with this Kahlan as Cara has. When Cara rises and steps away from Kahlan, Richard squats beside her, putting a hand to her arm. "Are you all right?"
Kahlan shrugs his hand away and gets to her feet quickly. "Don't be ridiculous."
The forlorn look on his face makes Cara roll her eyes.
As Kahlan starts to head back to camp, Cara trails behind, speaking to Richard in a voice low enough not to carry. "She's... difficult. Keeping her distracted means less problems for everyone."
Richard runs a hand through his hair, suddenly looking very tired. "You're right," he says. "You're doing good. I didn't mean to second-guess your choices. From now on, I trust you to take full responsibility for her, however you see fit."
It's not an order - Richard never gives her orders - but the tone of his voice makes Cara straighten her back instinctively. "Yes," she says.
She resists the urge to follow it with a 'Lord Rahl', but only just. Even unspoken, it tastes sweet on her tongue.
*
There is a bruise across Kahlan's jaw, and it's difficult for Cara not to let her gaze linger on it.
Sleep had not come easy after their sparring session, and another day of walking did nothing to quell the restlessness blooming within her. Tracing a finger across the shallow gash on her own cheek, Cara says, "You're not very much like the real Kahlan."
Kahlan bends down to pick up another dry stick for the fire. Her smile is not of the sort that Cara has ever seen on the real Kahlan. "Things are much clearer now."
When Kahlan rises, she lets one hand graze the dagger in her boot, in a manner that is most suggestive. Cara had taken her daggers after their sparring, but in the morning, she'd handed both Kahlans their daggers back. She'll probably take them away again before they sleep, but if Banelings attack during the day, it is better if they're all armed.
Cara drops her hand down to the handle of an agiel in response.
"It's still early," Kahlan says, quirking an eyebrow. "There's no rush to get the fire started."
When they return to camp, some time later, Kahlan is limping, and Cara has a fresh cut running down her neck.
*
It becomes a habit.
There is something irresistibly Mord'Sith about it, the giving and receiving of pain in a way that is both playful and very serious. It is easy for Cara to get lost in it, to find herself craving it.
The exhilaration of it is such that Cara doesn't realize how much better at anticipating her movements Kahlan is getting until she once again finds herself shoved, back first, into a tree, with enough force that the air leaves her lungs in a rush. Kahlan looks her straight in the eye, and Cara feels the hand around her throat squeezing.
"Are you trying to confess me or choke me?" Cara asks, making no move to counteract.
Kahlan raises an eyebrow. "Maybe I haven't decided yet."
"I grow tired of waiting."
"Well," Kahlan says, "we can't have that."
It's not what Cara expects; Kahlan leans forward to place a kiss that is much too soft on Cara's lips, and for a moment, the contrast between the strength with which Kahlan is still holding on to Cara's throat, and the way her lips are almost careful, leaves her unsure.
But Kahlan is wrong if she thinks this is not Cara's territory. She pushes forward, forcing her lips to press more firmly against Kahlan's, letting her tongue slide against her lower lip. Taking advantage of Kahlan's distraction, Cara slams her arm away easily.
"Fair enough," Kahlan breathes against Cara's mouth, hands coming down to rest on Cara's hips instead, thumbs pressing into her stomach with just the right amount of pain.
Cara jerks her head back, licking her lips. "What's this for?"
"It is so hard to believe that I could want you?" Kahlan says, face a study in innocence. It makes her look just like the real Kahlan, enough that Cara almost forgets that she is very much not.
Licking her lips, Cara grips her agiels tighter. "You love Richard."
"She loves Richard," Kahlan says forcefully. "I don't care about her feelings. They made her weak and I want no part of them."
The words are true. Cara has tried and failed to make Kahlan realize this before, maybe that's the reason why hearing her say such things seems so eerie.
Cara remains quiet, eying Kahlan warily as she slides one of her hands up, across Cara's leather, skimming over her clavicle. It makes her heart race, want building lower down, and something inside of her aches with need at the thought.
"You're proving to be quite fun as means of distraction from this boring quest. Don't try to pretend you haven't thought about it."
Of course she's thought about it. Kahlan slides her finger down the valley between Cara's breasts, and all Cara can think about is the many times she's thought about this exact thing.
Cara is certainly not in the habit of turning down advances from beautiful women. But it's Kahlan. "I suspect the real Kahlan would regret such a thing," she says, forcing indifference into her voice.
"Assuming Zedd manages to get his magic to work on me. I'm not holding my breath," Kahlan says.
Her hand moves to cup Cara's breast as she bends down to lick across the half-healed cut on Cara's neck, and some months ago, there would have been no reason for Cara to think twice about this. Her hips jerk into Kahlan's, a moan rumbling deep in her chest, and she forces Kahlan's mouth harder against her neck with a hand on her scalp.
Pleasure and pain is what she lives and breathes, and she's never had cause to deny herself something she wants. But traveling with Richard and Kahlan and Zedd, she's come to understand that there are things considered Wrong and other things considered Right. It all seems very complicated, but they expect her to comply to this arbitrary set of rules, and so Cara has tried.
She's tried really hard.
She is almost certain that engaging in these kinds of activities with Kahlan would be considered Wrong and something that would be frowned upon. In any case, it's enough of a gray area that she's not willing to chance it. This is really the sort of thing Richard or Zedd should be dealing with, Cara thinks. She is good for tying people up and inflicting pain and keeping things in order, not things like this.
Cara really doesn't know how, between herself and Kahlan, she ended up being the one with a conscience. It doesn't suit her; it doesn't suit her at all.
With an exasperated sigh, she pushes Kahlan away. "I have no wish to die by Confession," she says.
Before Kahlan can gather herself enough to fight back, Cara puts one agiel to her side, over her ribs, where it will be especially painful.
Kahlan screams, falling to her knees, and Cara takes a step away. "Touch me again, and I will make you hurt worse than this." After a moment's consideration, she adds: "And not in a good way."
*
It is the end of things, as far as Cara is concerned, but this Kahlan is far more devious than she expects.
Later, when Richard and Zedd are snoring in a corner of the camp, Cara gets ready to stay on guard duty for a few hours. The confessed Kahlan is sitting on her bed roll, yawning, when the other Kahlan, the Mother Confessor, sits down next to her.
Kahlan bends her head down in supplication. "Mistress."
The Confessor reaches out a hand to caress her cheek, stroking a lock of hair behind her ear. Cara turns her back, crossing her arms as she stands stiffly, staring out into the dark.
"When you realized you had no Confessor magic, before you reached Aydindril," Cara hears Kahlan say behind her. "Were you and Richard... together?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"Oh, that's interesting. It's more than I expected from you. Cara, did you know?"
Cara shifts, rolling her eyes even though neither Kahlan can see her. "Of course I knew."
She knows what the next words out of Kahlan's mouth will be before she says them. Her voice is soft and low, almost a whisper. "Why don't you tell me all about it, Kahlan?"
It's only a lifetime of Mord'Sith discipline that keeps Cara immobile.
Kahlan speaks, and Cara remains still, directing her senses away from the camp, toward the darkness around them, and tries very hard not to listen to what Kahlan says because she remembers it far too well. They had walked a distance from camp, but sound travels far in the forest at night. Sound travels very far.
Cara had pressed her back against a tree, keeping her arms crossed as quiet rustling and soft female sounds had reached her ears. It had amused her, that Kahlan and Richard had stopped resisting. The thought of them together hadn't been unpleasant at all, and she had allowed herself the fantasy for a few moments. It was a cold night, and the sounds in the distance made her warm. Gradually, Richard had faded away in her mind, and she had closed her eyes and imagined Kahlan beneath her, body displayed in the moonlight. The air had not seemed very cold at all when Cara considered the things she would do to force those sounds and more out of her.
Kahlan speaks, and those images come back, even though Cara would rather not remember. There is nothing strange about wanting a man or a woman, but the situation is complicated. Before, it had been a given that Mord'Sith would find pleasure amongst themselves as well as with Lord Rahl. But Richard is a different man from Darken Rahl, and Cara finds herself unsure. It is a feeling she hates more than anything.
"Stop. Talking," Cara snaps, turning around to face them and glaring them down to make sure they know she's serious. "I have no interest in listening to your pointless blathering."
There's a very dangerous glint in Kahlan's eyes as she smiles.
*
A momentary slip, that is all it takes, and then Cara finds herself in the Underworld.
For a brief moment, before calling for Darken Rahl, she wonders if staying dead might, in fact, be less straining than going back to the Mother Confessor.
But it's only a moment, because Cara is Mord'Sith, and the only thing that matters to a Mord'Sith is Lord Rahl. Two Kahlans aren't as great an idea as Cara had thought at first, and Richard needs Cara more than ever. And maybe it is something more, too, a new sort of desperation, one she doesn't recognize and doesn't want to dwell on, in the pit of her stomach.
She has to get back.
Darken Rahl knows things about her that Richard never will, and it seems like he sees right through her now, his smile becoming amused as she states her request. But whatever it is that he sees, he eventually agrees, and Cara wakes up in the forest, gasping for air and life.
Cara is not accustomed to failure, and when the others find out and everything falls apart, she thinks that maybe this is a fitting end after all. Causing pain and death is what she does, and she's not sure why she could not bring herself to put her knife in Thaddicus's back. It's not the sort of thing that would have troubled her in the past.
If she has changed, she fears it is not for the better.
When the Shadow Water makes its way down her throat, it tastes sweeter than anything has before. It invades every part of her, making her feel more alive than ever, but when the feeling dissipates, it leaves an uncomfortable tightness in her chest.
It's a lot like what she'd imagine guilt feels like, if she were the sort of person who could feel such a thing.
Kahlan lets it go without a word, and that is the only blessing through it all: that the real Kahlan isn't there. She'd think her a monster for taking Rahl's deal, Cara is sure of it.
It all leaves her feeling dangerously on edge; weary and jittery, both at once, an insistent restlessness that refuses to go away. And she is thoroughly tired of the way Kahlan looks at her, halfway to amused and far too knowing.
What she needs is someone else, the press of another body to hers, warmth and friction.
Stalking into town and the first tavern in sight, Cara is not very picky.
*
Richard is on watch when she slinks back into camp.
"You look better," he says. "Good hunt?"
Not even Richard is naive enough to think that she hunted anything but human prey, but he does seem concerned, so Cara smiles and thinks about how she feels pleasantly relaxed all over. "I always catch the prey I intend for, Lord Rahl."
"Of course," Richard says with a smile.
Cara doesn't have to look to know that Kahlan is watching.
*
And then Kahlan is kidnapped by gars.
Richard says, "All we need is a princess," and Cara nods, because the idea of the other Kahlan dressed up as a princess, confessed and sweet, is not entirely unpleasant.
It takes a moment for her to realize that Richard and Zedd are looking rather pointedly at her.
"But Kahlan," she says, gesturing towards her and hating the way she sounds almost desperate. "She'd make a great princess!"
"They'd recognize her," Zedd says, "and I can't use magic to change her appearance. She can't come with us."
Cara's shoulders slump forward a little. "I could... braid her hair."
"I don't think that would fool anyone." Richard pats her back in a way that's probably supposed to be encouraging. "I know you can do it."
Of course she can do it.
It's just that she really, really doesn't want to.
*
It's probably the hardest thing Cara has had to do, but if wearing a dress and rhyming is what it takes, she will wear a dress and rhyme, for higher justice and peace or whatever else it is that Richard likes to talk about. Or, at least, she'll do it for Kahlan.
Even if Kahlan, strictly speaking, isn't quite herself at present.
It's Richard who decides that they wait until morning before leaving the castle. The Margrave won't be bothering them for a good long while, and, as long as Nicci is out there, they will be safer walking in daylight.
That makes it Richard's fault. Cara is almost sure of it. He is the one who makes her walk in circles in the woods, on some endless quest that means nothing to her. He is the one who gave her responsibility she never wanted.
But then, he is Lord Rahl, and it is his right to do whatever he pleases.
Perhaps instead, Kahlan is the one who is really at fault.
Not so many months ago Cara had been one of Darken Rahl's most trusted Mord'Sith, the one who got things done when everyone else failed. She tortured and killed, and she reveled in it, never stopping to consider anyone else's misplaced sense of ethics. If anyone is to blame, it is Kahlan - the real Kahlan, and her never-ending attempts to make a friend out of a someone who would never stoop to such weakness. Mord'Sith do not have friends, but Cara is beginning to realize that being around Kahlan has bred complacency and flaw in areas where her Sisters had used to make her strong.
"Where's the other Kahlan?" Cara asks when she opens the door to the room she's meant to share with them both.
"I told her to sleep elsewhere," the Mother Confessor says. "I don't know what Richard was thinking. This room is clearly not big enough for three."
Cara stands still in the doorway, taking stock of the situation.
She's in a dress. A pink dress, and she's been forced to rhyme, pretend to be sweet and act like a lesser being all day. She is thoroughly tired of trying to be someone she's not. No Mord'Sith should care about doing what's right.
It's time Cara did something about it.
Slamming the door shut, Cara grins at Kahlan, letting every bit of malicious intent she has become visible on her face and in the cant of her hips as she slowly walks closer. "No more teasing, Mother Confessor."
The blow she aims at Kahlan's face is more like a challenge than anything.
Kahlan ducks, and blocks the next punch as she spins around and smacks her elbow at Cara's side, over her ribs. Only momentarily distracted, Cara puts her knee to Kahlan's midsection, pleased to see her double over.
Cara steps back, casually walking to the other side of the room, adjusting her dress.
Next thing she knows, there's a chair flying towards her. Instinct has her raising an arm to protect her head, but the chair crashes into her with enough force to floor her.
Kahlan is grinning madly when Cara gets out from under what's left of the chair, brushing splints from her dress. Kahlan has already picked up another chair, but this time Cara has time to duck. The chair hits the wall behind her, breaking in two.
A third one meets the same fate. A fourth breaks against the desk, just as Cara ducks under it.
"You're out of chairs, Mother Confessor." Cara waits until Kahlan comes closer, and then pushes at the desk from underneath, hard enough to flip it over. It doesn't hit Kahlan, but it forces her off-balance, and Cara backhands her across the face, so with enough strength that Kahlan staggers backwards. Her lip is bleeding when she looks back at Cara, and her tongue darts out to taste it as she stares.
Cara touches a hand to her forehead, and realizes that she's bleeding too. She remains still as Kahlan moves closer, wrapping her fingers around Cara's neck.
"Your powers are useless here," Cara says with a smirk.
Instead, Kahlan draws a dagger from her boot and places the tip of it just below Cara's jaw. Cara shifts forward quickly, pushing her hips against Kahlan's, and giving her a hard kiss on the mouth, enjoying the taste of blood. The dagger is pressed more forcefully under her jaw, piercing the skin there and forcing Cara to tip her head back as a drop of blood trickles down her neck. Then Cara finds herself slammed into the floor, easily swept off her feet, with Kahlan grinning like a maniac above her. She's still holding the dagger, resting it against Cara's chest.
It would not be so difficult for Cara to overpower Kahlan. She does not need her agiels to gain the upper hand, and without Confessor magic, Kahlan is not the threat she would be otherwise.
But Cara sprawls back, relaxing against the floor, even as Kahlan makes a quick cut through Cara's dress, sliding the dagger down her cleavage and splitting the dress open all along her stomach and down to her toes. Her skin is nicked by the blade, just below her belly button, and the muscles in her stomach twitch.
"You are not very much like Kahlan at all," Cara observes, detached. The dress is little more than rags now, and she is as good as naked beneath Kahlan, goosebumps rising on her skin as Kahlan looks at her. With a smirk, Kahlan traces the dagger up Cara's body, pressure sharp but not enough to break the skin. Across her ribs and up, the dagger teases circles on her breast, the tip of it finding her nipple before it slides to where her heart is beating as hard as it ever has.
"I'm here in all the ways that count," Kahlan says, and the dagger is pressed down more firmly against Cara's chest. Kahlan's mouth is there next, warmth contrasting the cold blade.
"Maybe some deep, dark part of the other Kahlan wanted this," she continues. Cara opens her legs wider as Kahlan's hand wanders there, idly teasing. "And I got all of the darkest parts of her, without any of the feelings that made her suppress all her most interesting urges."
"You're wrong," Cara says, resolutely holding her moan back as Kahlan rolls on top of her more fully, pushing three fingers inside. Pleasure and pain mingle into something irresistible. "Kahlan would never want something like this."
Kahlan rolls her eyes, moving her hips in time with her fingers and putting her thigh behind her hand as leverage. The pressure of her palm is quite perfect. "Oh, don't tell me you have feelings for her."
"Don't be ridiculous."
"Then what?"
Cara isn't even sure what. She grabs Kahlan's hair instead, tugging her head down hard until she can attack her lips with her mouth. Not bothering to hold back anymore, she groans, wrapping a leg around Kahlan's hip, and lets her body have what it wants.
It is not failure. The weakness lies in the fact that she denied herself this for so long, for no reason other than an attempt to comply to the rules of lesser people. A Mord'Sith takes what she wants, and whatever ideals the others try to force on her, she will always be Mord'Sith. She focuses on this when she climaxes, as her back arches so that she is pressed even closer to Kahlan and the soft white cloth of her dress.
Then, swiftly, she flips Kahlan over, pinning her down for a few moments until she's regained her breath. Standing up, she pulls Kahlan with her, pushing her roughly onto the bed. The last remnants of Cara's dress fall away from her body, and she is naked.
"The bed in Aydindril had a padded headboard," Kahlan says, smile challenging. "But I guess we'll have to make do without it."
*
Nothing has ever felt better, Cara thinks, than pulling her old leathers on again. It makes her feel almost like herself again, like someone strong. Like a Mord'Sith.
By now, she is used to doing the laces herself, but when she suddenly feels Kahlan at her back, she allows her to take over the task. Their bruises are turning blue and purple, cuts red, and Cara is sore in a way that's all pleasure and familiarity.
"You're not a very good Mord'Sith anymore."
The hairs on the back of Cara's neck stand up, and for a moment she can't be sure if Kahlan actually spoke out loud. They are the same words she's been repeating to herself for weeks.
Cara lets her hand slip along the handle of one agiel, longing for pain that isn't there.
There's a careful knock on the door, and when Kahlan opens it, there's Richard. He stares at the bruises on her face for a beat, before she rolls her eyes. "I'll go find Kahlan," she says, pushing past him and walking off.
At the sight of Cara, Richard stares some more, and when he notices the state of the room, he rubs his hand across his brow. "What happened to the room? Was she difficult?"
Cara traces a hand across the cut on her forehead, focusing on the dull ache of it. "Very."
*
It's not many days later that Zedd finds a way to reverse the spell.
There is smoke, and fireworks, as is expected, and then she's there again. The real Kahlan. One of her instead of two, and the others are gone for good.
Cara glares at the ground in front of her, not bothering to swipe away the hair that falls in her face.
"Where are we?" Kahlan says, sounding groggy and confused as Richard helps her stand.
"Don't you remember?" he says, and Kahlan rubs her temple for a moment.
"The medallion. It didn't work?"
"You remember nothing?" Cara demands, sharper than she intended.
There is only confusion on Kahlan's face. Confusion, and the gentle strength that Cara had almost forgotten about. This is not the Kahlan they were left with when the medallion broke, nor the one Cara has struggled with ever since leaving Aydindril. The change is so obvious that Cara doesn't understand how they were ever fooled.
It is, of course, better this way.
No explanations or unwanted tension, or Kahlan wanting to discuss her feelings. In fact, it is as if nothing ever happened, and, in Cara's opinion, that is really the best way things could turn out.
She lets Richard and Zedd fill Kahlan in on the details, leaving camp to go hunting. When she returns with fresh meat for Zedd to prepare, Kahlan puts a careful hand on her arm. It is the sort of touch that Kahlan always offers, naturally, as if it doesn't even require any thought.
The other Kahlan had done nothing like that, and Cara stiffens.
"Richard told me that you took care of them," Kahlan says. "Of me. I wanted to thank you."
"It didn't require any great effort."
Kahlan tilts her head, looking at Cara intently for a moment. Reaching out a hand, she brushes a stray hair away from Cara's cheeks. Cara flinches, the tips of Kahlan's fingers barely touching her face.
"How odd," Kahlan says.
"What?"
"Nothing." Kahlan smiles and shakes her head slightly. "Nothing."
"You should be with Richard," Cara says. "He missed you so much he made all of us miserable with his pouting."
Kahlan is still smiling, glancing in Richard's direction with fondness, before turning back to Cara. "Did you get along with her, the other Kahlan?"
"Of course I did," Cara says, lips quirking into a hard grin. "She was you, but without all the things that make you weak. You should strive to be more like her."
If it is not truth, then it is a lie that will keep her strong.