The Times That Weren't - Chapter 4
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate: SG-1, I am only playing in the world.
Previously: Ch1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3
The Times That Weren't - Chapter 4
Al Karj AB, Saudi Arabia, January 1991
She was hiding and she knew it. It wasn't what she did in the early hours of that mid-January morning that had her avoiding every other human being on the base, though that had been horrific enough. Her right hand was still shaking, the fingers and thumb which had sent missiles flying and bombs dropping from her F-15E Strike Eagle still convulsed periodically as she clenched her fists tight. When she closed her eyes she could see the targets painted on her radar and HUD by the EF-111 Ravens which had flown ahead of her sortie. It took no thought to flick a switch, flip the guard and press the release trigger with her thumb. The target disappeared not long afterwards, flying over those air fields and seeing the sight of the torn and burning fuselage of the Iraqi fighter planes still on the apron meant nothing. It was the sight of the bodies lying clear of the wreckage. Knowing the planes and buildings she'd destroyed weren't empty. She'd never killed anyone before today. That meant something, but it wasn't why she was hiding. It was what greeted her when she returned to base. The congratulations, the elation in the faces of the other pilots as they slapped her back and whooped and hollered. She pushed the disgust down at the time and shared a round with men she couldn't quite stand looking at in that moment. However, it was time to come to terms with it herself. So she'd found a spot to be alone, somewhere no one would think to look for her.
"Sorry, Sam." She looked up in amazement as Cameron sat down next to her, his shoulder just touching her own in the rapidly cooling desert night air. "Just... forget those assholes. This is how they cope with it."
"Captain! I'm fine, sir, just needed some air." She couldn't look at him. She couldn't bear to look into his eyes just now because she had to be a soldier.
"Call me by my rank in private again and I'll spank your ass, Sam. I mean it." he said in a deadpan voice without looking at her. She couldn't help the curl of her lip, but said nothing. She'd wanted to be alone, but now he was here it felt right somehow. She didn't know how he'd found her, how he'd even known to look for her at all, but the fact he did filled her heart with a warmth she wouldn't trade away for anything. It was many minutes before either of them spoke again. "I'm still not over it. I doubt I ever will be. It'll be something I'll relive in my last moments, I'm sure of it." He looked at her and the feeling of his eyes on her compelled her to find them with her own. She just looked into his deep blue eyes and saw that she'd never have to be alone. Not really, not where it counted. "It's not wrong to feel this way, Sam. It's not wrong." She bit the inside of her suddenly trembling lips and nodded, her eyes were getting misty, but she couldn't look away from his gaze. He could see how she felt deep down. He didn't feel the same, he didn't pretend to either, everyone was different, reacted differently, dealt with it in different ways, but his experiences were just close enough, his feelings were just similar enough, his response much of a muchness so that he could look into her eyes at that moment and without definitively saying the words, just tell her she wasn't alone. He turned away just before the first tear rolled down her cheek and sat silently at her side without saying anything further. She contained her sobs, tucking her head against her forearms laid on top of her knees.
They didn't speak again for an hour, just sat by each other under the night sky, having spent all day flying sortie after sortie, exhausted, but incapable of sleep. "Cam," she felt him shift slightly beside her to look at her, but she kept looking up into the sky, "I don't regret it." She felt him lean against her a bit more for a moment before easing away again.
USS Odyssey, above P3X-474, May 2007 + 743 days relative
Cameron sat in the F302's first seat staring at the readouts and displays in the cockpit. He deliberately kept his hands away from the flight controls, simply checking off a mental list of diagnostics and settings to amuse himself. He'd been there for half an hour when he heard footsteps on the deckplates leading towards him and glanced over the side of the cockpit to see Sam climbing up the steps onto the gantry and getting into the second seat behind him. He hadn't seen much of her the last couple of weeks since he'd destroyed his quarters, nothing much beyond mealtimes and occasionally running into her as he ran through the corridors. She'd certainly never sought him out before.
"Daniel's worried about you." she said quietly after several minutes. He sighed as he realised that she had sought him out for someone else, not herself.
"I'm fine, Sam. Got it all out of my system. You can tell Jackson and the General I'm going to find an alternative way to express my frustration soon enough." he replied softly and the hitched breath from behind him made him think that perhaps his words needed some qualification.
"Cameron, you can't escape in a 302, there's not enough... Cam, no!" Her voice took on a slightly horrified tone and Cameron realised he had to say something.
"I'm not suicidal, Sam! I'm not even planning to escape." He felt her leaning back into her seat from where she had been leaning forward, gripping the back of his chair and the console ahead of her. "I just miss flying, that's why I'm here. I miss the sky." The sigh from behind him seemed to say she didn't quite believe him. "That's why I was thinking I'd start studying again. Stick my head into the Asgard Core until I can build myself a hyper-real simulator." He felt Sam leaning forward again.
"That's a good idea, Cam, I can do that for-" She looked surprised as he whipped his head around to interrupt her.
"No, Sam, you need to carry on with what you're doing. I'm doing this to keep myself busy, to keep from burning out." He sighed at the curious tilt of her head. "I expect you'll figure out a way to save us before I get halfway anyways. I have a lot to learn to get this working, holography for the display, anti-grav tech to simulate g-forces, software for the modelling, power and systems engineering to put it all together." Sam's eyes widened more and more as he spoke until he could only chuckle as he turned back to face forwards. "I did major in mechanical engineering at the Academy, Sam, I'll fill up my days productively from now on I promise." All was silent for several minutes as he flicked several switches in the console in front of him to access several core systems diagnostics screens.
"I was worried too." Her voice was so soft he almost thought he'd misheard her. He smiled slightly hoping she meant she wasn't just here at Jackson's behest. "I just need a bit more time, Cam."
"I have complete faith that you will get us all out of this, Sam. Don't sweat the timescale either." Just as he finished he felt her hand close on his shoulder from behind.
"That's not what I mean." She squeezed his shoulder once and smoothed down his flightsuit before pulling her hand away slowly when he turned his head towards her. "I've known you a long time, Cameron, and ever since the beginning you've made me..." She sighed deeply and looked down at her hands so he couldn't see her eyes from over his shoulder. "You have no idea what that grin of yours does, do you? What your voice did to all us female cadets at the Academy. How your scowl can be just as adorable as your smile." She was blushing, he could see it, he was blushing too, he could feel his ears burning. He turned back around and brought a hand to cover his mouth. "You've always had the same effect on me, Cam, for two decades you've made me feel like a giddy teenager and that kind of freaks me out, that you thought of me that way." He whipped around to interject.
"Sam, I never-" Her raised hand cut him off.
"I know, Cam. It wasn't until I joined SG-1 again and we spent time really working together that I could convince myself you saw me as a colleague and an equal. As a woman, not a girl." She looked up and met his eyes. "I'm a bit ashamed now that I ever thought you wouldn't, Cameron. I'm sorry about that. I let the way I felt when we met that first day colour my perceptions of you, and dictate a lot of how I acted towards you." She sighed heavily again and ran a hand through her now shoulder length hair. "I was just a kid. Older than you, but I'd been such a workaholic student after my Mom died that I'd never had much of a social life all the way through high school and my college degree and doctorate. Didn't help that I'd skipped several grades so I was younger than all my peers for much of those years too." She propped her head back against the headrest behind her. "I had no idea what love was. So when I met you I could only think what I felt was a crush, that a guy like you would never be interested in a naif like me." She smirked at the scowl that came over his face. "You don't have to say it. When you told me you... loved me, it just sent my mind back through my memories and a whole series of tiny niggling things you'd said or did over the years all started clicking into place and making sense and... geez, Cam, twenty years!" He looked down not able to meet her eyes. "Did you think you weren't good enough for me or something? Just a fly boy who could never keep up with the genius?" Her face was flushed with anger now, but he steadied himself and looked up to meet her ire, he certainly deserved it. "You were just as bad as me it turns out, right? All this time I've been getting into relationships that I knew deep down weren't going to work, I knew 'cause I was comparing them all to you! You told me Jonas was an ass the first time I mentioned him and you were right! Narim, Martouf, Orlin, how could anything have worked with them? Pete, Holy Hannah, Pete, even after I told him everything, I felt like I was still lying to him every day." She abruptly grew quiet, looking down past her console at her feet. Cam twisted further in his seat and propped himself up to reach past it and squeeze her upper arm. She flinched slightly, but he didn't release her. "And Jack. I loved him, Cam, I really did. No, I still do. I moved to Area 51 to get out of his chain of command so that..." She shook her head several times before lifting her eyes to look at him. She must be able to see the surprise in his eyes as she talked about General O'Neill, he'd had no idea. Her hand came up and gripped his fingers against her arm. "But I never did, I always put it off. When I heard you were taking over SG-1, I was constantly thinking of coming back. That's what you do to me, Cam, whenever you're near, I feel pulled towards you." She pulled his fingers from her arm and intertwined her own with them, running her thumb over the back of his hand. "I denied it for years, it was just a crush, I'd outgrow it. When you kept bugging me to come back to SG-1 I tried so hard to keep pushing you away even though I wanted the opposite." She chuckled mirthlessly for a moment. "When you flapped that patch in front of my face and flashed that stupid smile I bet you thought I was just giving in to your persistence didn't you? Or to the lure of being with Teal'c and Daniel again? I was surrendering to my own weakness." She let go of his hand and raised both of hers to her eyes.
"Sam, I-" He didn't get to finish his thought as she suddenly reached out past the headrest of his seat and grabbed both sides of his head. Standing up as far as possible she pulled him in to a deep, desperate kiss. He had no control whatsoever, his hands just trying to help him keep his balance as he was awkwardly turned in his seat. Her fingers pulling at his hair, her lips opening, her tongue flicking out and entering his mouth as he let her in. Abruptly she pulled away, breathing heavily, her eyes dark with need.
"I love you, Cameron Mitchell, so help me I do," her gaze softened, tears brimming as her fingers stroked the side of his face for a moment, "but I need time." She turned and scrambled out of the cockpit, ignoring his protestations she bounded down the metal steps and ran quickly towards the exit of the fighter bay. He slumped back down into his seat, sighing heavily, unable to quite understand what just happened. He touched fingers to his lips which felt bruised and raw from the force of her kiss. He'd never been kissed like that before. He closed his eyes for a long moment, more than ever determined that he would get his flight simulator idea operational. He wanted to fly again, but he wanted to fly with Sam most of all.
P4X-832, March 2008
"Sam?" He couldn't stifle the low groan as each breath sent fire through his abused ribs. Opening his eyes blearily, closing them tight against the harsh light, he froze as his awakening brain began once again receiving pain signals from every inch of his body at once.
"Still in Atlantis, thank God," muttered a familiar voice from his left, 'Jackson', his frazzled brain supplied, "or she'd kick your ass some more herself. Honestly, what were you thinking?" He turned his head slowly towards the archaeologist who was propped up against the wall of their cell giving him a disappointed look.
"Wasn't... not much anyway." He tried to relax his muscles against the cold floor, but that didn't help much at all so he just gritted his teeth. "Jus' that guy was three times our size an' I think he was beginning to take a liking to ya." He groaned in pain once more having finished the long sentence.
"Yes, yes, and whenever a bad guy takes a liking to me they inevitably end up torturing me to death." Jackson huffed angrily, but eventually just sighed.
"Post hoc, ergo propter hoc." Cam muttered trying very hard not to move. Daniel looked at him askance.
"What?" He couldn't quite hide the incredulity in his voice.
"It means-"
"I know what it means, how do you know what it means?" The archaeologist stared at his friend with his mouth slightly agape. Cam turned his head towards him and scowled as if affronted.
"Don' jus' watch sci-fi an' action films, Jackson. Thought 'The West Wing' was great." He had to close his eyes against the pain slightly. "And you of all people have to admit it feels good to whip out the Latin in proper context."
"Yes." He drew the confirmation out for several moments. "Although you do know it hardly ever works out the way the idiom lays it out right? It's a logical fallacy." Daniel raised his eyebrows enquiringly.
"Tha's what President Bartlett said too." Cam grinned and Daniel closed his eyes for a second.
"I suppose I should thank you anyways." he offered with a slight smirk.
"Don' mention it." Cam chanced a dismissive wave of his hand and regretted it, wincing. "How long have I been out?"
"About ten hours is my guess." Daniel looked at his bare wrist where his watch normally resided and pressed his lips together in frustration. "I expect Vala and Teal'c will find a way to spring us soon." Cam just nodded slightly without moving too much. "So why'd you call for Sam? She's been on Atlantis for months now."
"Dream. Odyssey." Just those two words were enough to have Daniel nodding. He'd told Jackson about the uncanny quality of some of the dreams he'd been having lately, invariably set on Odyssey. Daniel had admitted to having experienced something similar. Dreams which didn't feel like dreams. "If only we could get the T-man really drunk. Get 'im to spill." Both men chuckled at that which caused Cam to gasp in pain and Daniel to reach over to put a steadying hand over the other man's chest.
"Easy now, Mitchell. Let's save this for when we get back to base." Both men quieted upon hearing footsteps approaching from down the hall.
"I have found them, Vala Mal Doran." A robed behemoth stood before the barred door of their cell. Daniel stood up and walked towards him to clasp the man's forearm in greeting through the bars. He heard a clinking sound and quick jogging steps from further down and smiled involuntarily at the grinning face of the raven haired former smuggler.
"Hiya Daniel, didja miss me?" She quickly set about identifying the correct key for the lock as the Jaffa spoke once more.
"How is Colonel Mitchell, Daniel Jackson, he appears to be injured." Teal'c asked as Vala's eyes lifted in concern, but returned to their previous task almost immediately.
"Oh, you know, the usual. Opened his big mouth, took a beating, lay unconscious for a while." He turned to see Cam giving him the finger with a pained smile on his face. "He's going to be one big walking bruise, Teal'c, so he'll need a hand." The Jaffa nodded in understanding just as the lock clicked and the door swung open.
"Viola!" cried Vala as she stepped into the cell and wrapped her hands around Daniel's arm. Teal'c stepped past them towards the downed Air Force Colonel and helped him slowly to his feet, where he spent several seconds breathing heavily in pain before nodding his insistence that he could proceed with their escape plans.
"That's a musical instrument, Vala, you mean to say 'voila' which is French." Daniel took the weapon she offered him and preceded her out into the corridor to provide cover. Vala huffed and followed him out.
"Why do you Tau'ri insist on having so many languages? It's such a pain! Everyone else in the galaxy makes do with a few dozen between them and your little backwater feels the need to yammer on with several thousand." Vala grumped as she covered the far corner until the rest moved up.
"You should have heard Mitchell breaking out the Latin earlier." Daniel indicated over his shoulder at the soldier leaning heavily against Teal'c.
"Indeed?" Teal'c raised an eyebrow while looking down at the man.
"I was totally awesome." said Cam with a grin.
"You know, I liked it much better when I thought they were saying my name on those TV shows whenever they finished picking a lock or opening a safe, like an homage, and yes I know that's French too." Vala said as Jackson passed her by to the next corner. Daniel pressed his lips together as he looked at her in irritation. "I thought I was famous or something."
Daniel and Vala managed to bicker all the way through the small gaol building, through all the while they grabbed Jackson's and Mitchell's gear from the storage room after stunning a few more guards, all the way through the darkened streets of the small town and down the road which led to the Stargate, only pausing momentarily while they travelled through the wormhole back to the SGC before picking up exactly where they left off.
"I love my team." Cam said while Teal'c helped him lay down on the gurney surrounded by medics and a very annoyed Dr. Carolyn Lam. The Jaffa gave a tiny smile and bowed slightly.
Stargate Command, September 2009
Cam kicked off from the wall he was leaning against outside Sam's lab and walked away down the corridor. His hand hovered over the pocket of his BDUs where the platinum ring looped through a silver linked chain was stored. Dipping his fingers into the pocket he touched the warm metal before letting his hand drop down to his side once more. The ring had been inside the envelope marked for his eyes only and the letter which accompanied it was as startling to him as anything else which had come in the parcel. Equal parts hope, joy and indescribable pain. There was a tape describing in fuller detail things which he'd omitted from the audio report, personal things. Also a short note which had been folded around the ring itself and read only 'I had five months, the me on Odyssey had maybe five decades if he was smart. Try to get somewhere in between.' Some might call it cryptic, but it would have been clear as day to Cam even had he not listened to the tape.
He rounded the corner and was surprised to see the light on in the office assigned to him, which he used to write his reports and hide from Vala when Daniel kicked her out of his lab. It seemed she was still unaware he had an office despite being a member of SG-1 for over two years. He approached warily and was surprised and apprehensive at finding General O'Neill sitting in his chair. He stepped inside and came to attention.
"Were you looking for me, General?" he asked, staring at a point in the wall behind O'Neill.
"This used to be my office before they pinned stars on my shoulders." He motioned at the three stars on each of his epaulettes and there was definitely no implied 'at ease' in the General's tone so Cam remained stock still. "Spent less time in here during those seven years than I did in General Hammond's office when I took over the place." O'Neill spent at least a minute staring hard at Mitchell before waving a hand and leaning back in the seat. Cam relaxed slightly and stared curiously at the former leader of SG-1. "It was my knees, you know, or I'd never have let you have my team."
"Yes, sir." Cam tried to keep his face studiously neutral while Jack's eyes twinkled, the General nodded to indicate the open door behind Cam and he closed it before turning back to face the older man.
"So... how long?" Jack's tone was breezy, but there was a steely undertone Cam did not miss.
"Sir?" He tried to convey the confusion he felt, but the slight scowl on O'Neill's face gave him pause.
"How long've you been in love with Carter?" There was definitely steel there, Cam cursed mentally and pursed his lips, he opened his mouth to deny it, or tell him it was private, or maybe to tell him where to get off, but O'Neill interrupted. "Don't try to palm me off either, Mitchell." Cam clenched his jaw and frowned angrily.
"Since the Academy... sir." he replied quietly, not trusting his voice to stay steady if he spoke any louder.
"Christ, you're more pathetic than I ever was!" Jack snapped, standing up and walking around the desk as Mitchell came to attention again. O'Neill came to stand nose to nose with him and gave him a hard look. "Don't screw it up, Mitchell. I'll kill you myself if you do." He grabbed his cover from the desk and walked past the younger man and stopped as he opened the door. "Don't know how much praise you deserve for something you've technically never done..." His gaze became unfocused for a second before he shook his head. "Good job killing Ba'al." He walked away down the corridor and Cam felt a shiver run up his spine.
On to Chapter 5