"half-way to enlightenment"
Unfortunately, only two people who read this journal will get the source of the title. It is, nonetheless, appropriate.
"If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway."
This is not meant to be an angsty rant. I can tell already that people who read it will put it down as one. if you are one of those people, don't sayt I didn't warn you that it's going to be damned close and quite possibly indistinguishable.
Firday's party went really, really well. We made challah, and the rest of dinner. We made cookies. Yay for making cookies! People apparently had a good time, and a lot of the awkwardness that was speculated was not present, I think. I don't feel particularly proud of the end of the night, but I really am through with giving a shit. I think that, on certain notes, I have given too much of a shit, and that some people need to start giving a shit back.
I'm also going to talk about beliefs. Not high-and-mighty religious-type ones, although in a society like the one in which we live ethics, religion, and beliefs are nearly indistinguishable, though each has its own facets and manifestations. That is, after all, why it is termed ethical theism. One of the things that I try to do, constantly, with everyone, is to give a shit. (Aha! The connection surfaces!) It is one of the things that I like to say are my core beliefs that I should listen to people and, if I can think of a way to do so, try to help them. I hate to say it, but, sometimes, I fail in this duty. Sometimes it's because I'm paying attention to something else. Sometimes it's because I'm tired. And sometimes it's because I'm sick and tired of hearing it. Yes, I get selfish, prideful, and arrogant. Get the fuck over it. I am human. I don't like to let the Evil Impulse show its way through, but, inexorably, it sometimes does. I don't classify the Evil Impulse as another entiity; it is a part of me. It gets me in a lot of trouble, and I don't like using it. But I can't guard against it all the time.
I try my hardest to stop this from happening. But, when I find it keeps happening with respect to a certain thing, I have to figure that something's wrong. And I may have to break down my entire way of thinking to figure out if it's my fault. A lot of the time it is. This past week or so has been a time that I've had to do that. I've had to readjust my worldview and look at the people I know and think long and hard about how I think about them. I've alos had to look at myself and figure out what I'm doing wrong. Because I am doing something wrong.
I won't say I've figured it out. That would be way too convenient.
There are some hard decisions ahead of me. I wish I didn't have to make them, but circumstances beyond my control have created the foundations, the situations, and the forcing of my making these decisions. I can see the writing on the wall now. I can hear the subtext. I just wonder how many other people are saying it beneath their breaths. And it's pissing me off, because it's what I've worked so hard to avoid having happen.
"If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway."
This is not meant to be an angsty rant. I can tell already that people who read it will put it down as one. if you are one of those people, don't sayt I didn't warn you that it's going to be damned close and quite possibly indistinguishable.
Firday's party went really, really well. We made challah, and the rest of dinner. We made cookies. Yay for making cookies! People apparently had a good time, and a lot of the awkwardness that was speculated was not present, I think. I don't feel particularly proud of the end of the night, but I really am through with giving a shit. I think that, on certain notes, I have given too much of a shit, and that some people need to start giving a shit back.
I'm also going to talk about beliefs. Not high-and-mighty religious-type ones, although in a society like the one in which we live ethics, religion, and beliefs are nearly indistinguishable, though each has its own facets and manifestations. That is, after all, why it is termed ethical theism. One of the things that I try to do, constantly, with everyone, is to give a shit. (Aha! The connection surfaces!) It is one of the things that I like to say are my core beliefs that I should listen to people and, if I can think of a way to do so, try to help them. I hate to say it, but, sometimes, I fail in this duty. Sometimes it's because I'm paying attention to something else. Sometimes it's because I'm tired. And sometimes it's because I'm sick and tired of hearing it. Yes, I get selfish, prideful, and arrogant. Get the fuck over it. I am human. I don't like to let the Evil Impulse show its way through, but, inexorably, it sometimes does. I don't classify the Evil Impulse as another entiity; it is a part of me. It gets me in a lot of trouble, and I don't like using it. But I can't guard against it all the time.
I try my hardest to stop this from happening. But, when I find it keeps happening with respect to a certain thing, I have to figure that something's wrong. And I may have to break down my entire way of thinking to figure out if it's my fault. A lot of the time it is. This past week or so has been a time that I've had to do that. I've had to readjust my worldview and look at the people I know and think long and hard about how I think about them. I've alos had to look at myself and figure out what I'm doing wrong. Because I am doing something wrong.
I won't say I've figured it out. That would be way too convenient.
There are some hard decisions ahead of me. I wish I didn't have to make them, but circumstances beyond my control have created the foundations, the situations, and the forcing of my making these decisions. I can see the writing on the wall now. I can hear the subtext. I just wonder how many other people are saying it beneath their breaths. And it's pissing me off, because it's what I've worked so hard to avoid having happen.