I knew it all the time but now I confess, Yes yes yes how deliciously meaningless
After the discovery of the ring and the book, Guy decides it's time to let Michael go.
Despite everything that had happened over Halloween, or well, thanks to Halloween since it gave him more to think about, Michael had resumed his aloofness, spending much more time at the beach then anywhere else, just as he had in the time after the surprise dinner. He was still just as confused as ever and no closer to an idea of what he wanted.
Or really, he knew what he wanted...he just didn't know what to do about it.
And so Michael just sat and pondered, this time on the cliff overlooking the ocean, knees drawn up to his chest as he leaned his arms on them.
Guy for his part had drowned all that had happened at and before Halloween in a comfortable pool of wine. It had been horrible, but not real.
What had been real was the ring he had seen, safely kept by Brian. It hurt him (despite what common sense told him), more than being beat up by the Idiot, but he wasn't letting it show. Or, at least, he felt quite sure he wasn't letting it show. He knew what to do.
But what he knew so assuredly, got infested with doubt when he actually saw Michael on that cliff - looking grand as ever. Guy stopped his certain pace and just stood there for a moment, watching the other.
If it meant anything, Michael had barely thought about the ring or the book since he'd given it to Brian, almost forgotten. No, it was the kiss that haunted him. That soft, loving kiss...
He closed his eyes and tucked his head down to lean against his arms. Why was this so hard to decide what he wanted? Did his confusion mean something in of itself? Or was he just meant to be tormented because he couldn't decide which man he loved more...and which heart to break.
Guy swallowed hard. "Hul-" He scraped his throat, more gruff than he would have liked it. "Hullo." He said again, this time with a smile in place.
Michael's head shot up and he had to turn at the waist to be able to see him. And even despite his gloomy thoughts...seeing Guy brought a small smile to his face. "Hey Guy." He patted the ground next to him. "Wanna join me?"
As always, Michael's smile was infectious. and Guy had trouble remembering he shouldn't smile. This was serious. "Yes, alright." He said, and he sat down beside the other, without a kiss in greeting.
After expecting a kiss and not getting one, Michael resorted to biting his bottom lips instead. Why should he expect one, he didn't really feel he deserved them anymore. Though, the air about Guy was making him curious. "What's up?" He asked carefully, wondering how long he'd felt guarded against the man. Just since the dinner? Since England?
"Nothing much, really. Glad Halloween is over. You?" They weren't touching. There was a small space between them that felt like a wall.
Air never felt so thick...or so forced. Michael nodded. "Definatly. And okay." Just okay. That was an understatement.
There was a pause in which Guy thought of ways to say it. The plan he had made before faded to the background. He wasn't going to be able. Not like this. Not when he wanted to lean into the other and kiss him. Blunt, direct, and very possibly unkind. That was truly the only way to do this. "I'm a bit bored though. Halloween lunacy aside, this place... boring." He mused.
Michael wanted him too, lean in and kiss him. Wanted it badly. And yet, this division felt justified, which scared him. "How can you call that boring?" He asked softly before something occurred to him. Guy couldn't be...could he?
"At least that is now over." Guy said, shortly, and felt bad, so fucking bad for saying it.
Frowning, Michael turned his head and considered him. "Yeah, it's over...What are you getting at?" He was confused, what was Guy trying to say. He knew Guy found the island boring but he had a hunch that's not what the other was trying to tell him.
Guy swallowed and tried to get his face as blank as possible. "It's getting a bit repetitive, what we're doing, don't you think?"
Michael blinked. "What?" His confusion showing on his face. "Guy what are you talking about?"
It was getting quite hard to keep his face emotionless. "You, me." 'Us' he deliberately left out. "We've had fun, but..." He waved as though it left him unstirred, but he couldn't quite bring himself to say it.
Michael blinked again. And his heart immediately began to beat twice as had from it's new position in his throat. "Guy...you can't mean...Is this about Halloween? Or something else?" Oh god, had he found out about the dinner? Was it something else? While a part of his brain realized he should be grateful Guy was making this decision for him, he still didn't like having one of the best things he had on the island taken away from him. There was a reason he was conflicted after all.
"No. Merely a realization of something that has gone on for longer than it should have." He didn't scrape his throat, for it would give himself away, even though he sounded gruff again. He should walk away right now. Leave it at this. Without letting there be arguments or any reaction on Michael's behalf. But he found himself nailed to the ground.
"Why?" Micheal held Guy's eyes with his own, not letting the other look away. "Why now?" He had to know. He loved Guy and well...he didn't want to think Guy just got tired of him. There had to be a reason.
He hated the part of himself that want to just take what Guy was offering and run with it. Hated it horribly.
Guy couldn't answer right away. Not when those eyes looked at him like that. Inwardly he had hoped the other would have shouted in anger and left. Not ask him 'why'.
He came up with only one answer that would be accepted and that - though a lie - did not diminish their time together when it was. They had been together for almost a year. But now was not the time to think of that. Now was not the time to think of anything. "Because I don't love you anymore." He didn't look at Michael. There was no way his face was still as unemotional as he wanted it to be. It hurt. It physically hurt saying that.
He bit back a 'sorry'. No apologies. They would leave room for doubt and Guy did not want there to be any doubt whatsoever on Michael's behalf. It was over.
Michael could only stare at him at that, his whole body going numb as he looked at him in both shock and hurt. Guy...didn't love him anymore? That, just couldn't be true. Michael couldn't be searching his soul for a man who didn't love him...could he?
He stayed there for what felt like a long time before making himself stand up, fists clenched and moved to stand in front of Guy. "Look at me. Look at me and tell me you don't love me." He couldn't believe it...not till Guy looked him in the eyes and told him so. Except a part of him did...a part of him that was already beginning to crack.
Guy bit the inside of his cheek. He knew it wasn't going to be a stroll in the park, this, but looking into Michael's eyes, he was afraid he couldn't say it. Those eyes... those beautiful eyes that were mirrors to his soul and that had the ability to look straight through any outward front. Michael knew him far too well for his liking (for his liking in this situation).
But this time the front was not a joke or a light-hearted remark. This time the front was a painful lie. His face went dead-pan and he met Michael's eyes with his own. "I don't love you." There his voice stopped. He wouldn't have been able to add to that sentence if he wanted to. In fact, he dared not breathe.
A lie that maybe Michael didn't want to see through. A part of him thought he deserved this...and that was the part that had already begun breaking before Guy had said those words. Now? The cracks expanded, until there was almost nothing left of Michael's heart.
There were so many things Michael wanted at that moment. To hit him, to yell at him, to beg for forgiveness, to kiss him...But he did none of those things. He stayed where he was, staring at Guy as he felt his heart break and tears come to his eyes, as if he didn't know what to do. He didn't. Despite having been torn between two options and having one now taken away...the obvious answer just wasn't there. It didn't feel worth this.
If he had voice he would have asked the other to stop staring. If he had legs he would have walked away. But he only had eyes that were keeping up a harsh front and tears they were keeping back with all their might.
"Fine." Michael said softly, yet harshly. "That's it. I get no say in this." He came forward, right in Guy's face, the pain and anger now burning from his eyes. "I love you Guy Burgess...a part of me always will."
Then he moved past Guy and walked away...waiting until he got to the jungle to burst out into a run for the compound, tears free flowing now.
It was good Michael left, for when he said those words and in that way, Guy cracked. He closed his eyes, trying to keep it in still, but the tears were no longer listening to that and rolled down his cheeks. "I'm sorry." He whispered, for no one to hear. More tears came and he sat down, holding his head with his hands. It was over. And it felt like he was going to be sick.
Despite everything that had happened over Halloween, or well, thanks to Halloween since it gave him more to think about, Michael had resumed his aloofness, spending much more time at the beach then anywhere else, just as he had in the time after the surprise dinner. He was still just as confused as ever and no closer to an idea of what he wanted.
Or really, he knew what he wanted...he just didn't know what to do about it.
And so Michael just sat and pondered, this time on the cliff overlooking the ocean, knees drawn up to his chest as he leaned his arms on them.
Guy for his part had drowned all that had happened at and before Halloween in a comfortable pool of wine. It had been horrible, but not real.
What had been real was the ring he had seen, safely kept by Brian. It hurt him (despite what common sense told him), more than being beat up by the Idiot, but he wasn't letting it show. Or, at least, he felt quite sure he wasn't letting it show. He knew what to do.
But what he knew so assuredly, got infested with doubt when he actually saw Michael on that cliff - looking grand as ever. Guy stopped his certain pace and just stood there for a moment, watching the other.
If it meant anything, Michael had barely thought about the ring or the book since he'd given it to Brian, almost forgotten. No, it was the kiss that haunted him. That soft, loving kiss...
He closed his eyes and tucked his head down to lean against his arms. Why was this so hard to decide what he wanted? Did his confusion mean something in of itself? Or was he just meant to be tormented because he couldn't decide which man he loved more...and which heart to break.
Guy swallowed hard. "Hul-" He scraped his throat, more gruff than he would have liked it. "Hullo." He said again, this time with a smile in place.
Michael's head shot up and he had to turn at the waist to be able to see him. And even despite his gloomy thoughts...seeing Guy brought a small smile to his face. "Hey Guy." He patted the ground next to him. "Wanna join me?"
As always, Michael's smile was infectious. and Guy had trouble remembering he shouldn't smile. This was serious. "Yes, alright." He said, and he sat down beside the other, without a kiss in greeting.
After expecting a kiss and not getting one, Michael resorted to biting his bottom lips instead. Why should he expect one, he didn't really feel he deserved them anymore. Though, the air about Guy was making him curious. "What's up?" He asked carefully, wondering how long he'd felt guarded against the man. Just since the dinner? Since England?
"Nothing much, really. Glad Halloween is over. You?" They weren't touching. There was a small space between them that felt like a wall.
Air never felt so thick...or so forced. Michael nodded. "Definatly. And okay." Just okay. That was an understatement.
There was a pause in which Guy thought of ways to say it. The plan he had made before faded to the background. He wasn't going to be able. Not like this. Not when he wanted to lean into the other and kiss him. Blunt, direct, and very possibly unkind. That was truly the only way to do this. "I'm a bit bored though. Halloween lunacy aside, this place... boring." He mused.
Michael wanted him too, lean in and kiss him. Wanted it badly. And yet, this division felt justified, which scared him. "How can you call that boring?" He asked softly before something occurred to him. Guy couldn't be...could he?
"At least that is now over." Guy said, shortly, and felt bad, so fucking bad for saying it.
Frowning, Michael turned his head and considered him. "Yeah, it's over...What are you getting at?" He was confused, what was Guy trying to say. He knew Guy found the island boring but he had a hunch that's not what the other was trying to tell him.
Guy swallowed and tried to get his face as blank as possible. "It's getting a bit repetitive, what we're doing, don't you think?"
Michael blinked. "What?" His confusion showing on his face. "Guy what are you talking about?"
It was getting quite hard to keep his face emotionless. "You, me." 'Us' he deliberately left out. "We've had fun, but..." He waved as though it left him unstirred, but he couldn't quite bring himself to say it.
Michael blinked again. And his heart immediately began to beat twice as had from it's new position in his throat. "Guy...you can't mean...Is this about Halloween? Or something else?" Oh god, had he found out about the dinner? Was it something else? While a part of his brain realized he should be grateful Guy was making this decision for him, he still didn't like having one of the best things he had on the island taken away from him. There was a reason he was conflicted after all.
"No. Merely a realization of something that has gone on for longer than it should have." He didn't scrape his throat, for it would give himself away, even though he sounded gruff again. He should walk away right now. Leave it at this. Without letting there be arguments or any reaction on Michael's behalf. But he found himself nailed to the ground.
"Why?" Micheal held Guy's eyes with his own, not letting the other look away. "Why now?" He had to know. He loved Guy and well...he didn't want to think Guy just got tired of him. There had to be a reason.
He hated the part of himself that want to just take what Guy was offering and run with it. Hated it horribly.
Guy couldn't answer right away. Not when those eyes looked at him like that. Inwardly he had hoped the other would have shouted in anger and left. Not ask him 'why'.
He came up with only one answer that would be accepted and that - though a lie - did not diminish their time together when it was. They had been together for almost a year. But now was not the time to think of that. Now was not the time to think of anything. "Because I don't love you anymore." He didn't look at Michael. There was no way his face was still as unemotional as he wanted it to be. It hurt. It physically hurt saying that.
He bit back a 'sorry'. No apologies. They would leave room for doubt and Guy did not want there to be any doubt whatsoever on Michael's behalf. It was over.
Michael could only stare at him at that, his whole body going numb as he looked at him in both shock and hurt. Guy...didn't love him anymore? That, just couldn't be true. Michael couldn't be searching his soul for a man who didn't love him...could he?
He stayed there for what felt like a long time before making himself stand up, fists clenched and moved to stand in front of Guy. "Look at me. Look at me and tell me you don't love me." He couldn't believe it...not till Guy looked him in the eyes and told him so. Except a part of him did...a part of him that was already beginning to crack.
Guy bit the inside of his cheek. He knew it wasn't going to be a stroll in the park, this, but looking into Michael's eyes, he was afraid he couldn't say it. Those eyes... those beautiful eyes that were mirrors to his soul and that had the ability to look straight through any outward front. Michael knew him far too well for his liking (for his liking in this situation).
But this time the front was not a joke or a light-hearted remark. This time the front was a painful lie. His face went dead-pan and he met Michael's eyes with his own. "I don't love you." There his voice stopped. He wouldn't have been able to add to that sentence if he wanted to. In fact, he dared not breathe.
A lie that maybe Michael didn't want to see through. A part of him thought he deserved this...and that was the part that had already begun breaking before Guy had said those words. Now? The cracks expanded, until there was almost nothing left of Michael's heart.
There were so many things Michael wanted at that moment. To hit him, to yell at him, to beg for forgiveness, to kiss him...But he did none of those things. He stayed where he was, staring at Guy as he felt his heart break and tears come to his eyes, as if he didn't know what to do. He didn't. Despite having been torn between two options and having one now taken away...the obvious answer just wasn't there. It didn't feel worth this.
If he had voice he would have asked the other to stop staring. If he had legs he would have walked away. But he only had eyes that were keeping up a harsh front and tears they were keeping back with all their might.
"Fine." Michael said softly, yet harshly. "That's it. I get no say in this." He came forward, right in Guy's face, the pain and anger now burning from his eyes. "I love you Guy Burgess...a part of me always will."
Then he moved past Guy and walked away...waiting until he got to the jungle to burst out into a run for the compound, tears free flowing now.
It was good Michael left, for when he said those words and in that way, Guy cracked. He closed his eyes, trying to keep it in still, but the tears were no longer listening to that and rolled down his cheeks. "I'm sorry." He whispered, for no one to hear. More tears came and he sat down, holding his head with his hands. It was over. And it felt like he was going to be sick.