Weekly recap
The week leading up to the TLC PPV.
Raw (Dec. 7)
We open with tonight's host: Mark Cuban. Then out comes John Cena, for the opening match of the night (weird!):
John Cena vs. Carlito: Ooh, Carlito is toast. Actually, he gets in some offense before Cena takes over. Then Sheamus comes out, but Mark Cuban calls out some security guys to keep him away from the ring. Carlito tries to capitalize on the distraction, Cena counters with the Attitude Adjustment, and that's it for Carlito.
Next, we get Randy Orton and the Legacy boys. Ooh, yes. Randy expects Mark Cuban to name Orton as the next challenger to Cena's title; Mark says it's not going to happen. Further, Mark himself will act as special guest referee in a match tonight between Orton and Kofi Kingston. Ted Dibiase reminds everyone of when Cuban appeared on Raw in 2003 and Orton hit him with an RKO. Cody Rhodes says he wants Cuban tonight (no, not that way, get your minds out of the gutter), stipulating that if Cody wins, Orton gets another shot at Cena. (Cody is a loyal fanboy.) Cuban declines.
Ted Dibiase & Cody Rhodes vs. Evan Bourne & Primo: Oh, god, anybody but Primo. He's ruining the sex match. Ugh... At any rate, Ted and Cody tag back and forth on Primo for a bit. Then Evan (YAY EVAN!) finally gets tagged in against Teddy. They go back and forth, Cody tries to be sneaky but Primo stops him (BOO!), and then Teddy hits Evan anyway with Dream Street for the pin. Legacy wins it. Yay fanboys. :) (Evan, I'm sorry you got stuck with such a crappy tag partner. Call Teddy after he turns face, yeah?) After the match, Cuban bans Legacy from the arena, and here come the security goons to escort them out.
Maryse vs. Gail Kim: Gail is tough, but Maryse fights dirty. Maryse wins, and gets into a catfight with Kelly Kelly (special guest announcer for this match), and then Melina comes out and Maryse leaves.
Backstage with Shawn Michaels and Triple-H, decorating a Christmas tree and exchanging presents. Shawn gives Triple-H a copy of the SD vs. Raw videogame; H gives Shawn his very own Hornswaggle, complete with DX-style "World's Littlest Member" t-shirt. Shawn and Triple-H get into an argument over this, and while they're thus occupied, Hornswaggle climbs up the tree. When they notice him, he dives onto them and steals Shawn's cowboy hat. Run away, Hornswaggle, run!
Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston: With special guest referee Mark Cuban. Gee, I wonder how this is going to turn out? Kofi gets offense to start, then Orton takes over, but Kofi makes a comeback; then they go back and forth, Orton goes for the RKO and Kofi counters, and Cuban gives him a super-fast three-count for the win. Boo-hiss. Randy, if you kill them all now, you can claim temporary insanity and I will totally back you up.
Miz v. Mark Henry, U.S. championship: If Henry wins, I'm rioting. Just a heads-up. And... hey, look at that, Miz is holding his own. Go Miz! Finally, he counters the World's Strongest Slam with a tornado DDT, and Miz gets the win. Awesome.
Hornswaggle & Eve Torres vs. Chavo Guerrero & Jillian Hall: Urgh. Hornswaggle and Chavo face off, but then Hornswaggle tags out and the divas are in. Eve wins. Post-match, Chavo goes after Hornswaggle; Eve tries to talk him down, but Chavo throws Hornswaggle out of the ring, and Eve gets in Chavo's face. Then Chris Masters comes out. (Andy Wheeler: "Please help me, this can't be a Chris Masters face turn. This will cause a rift in the space-time continuum for sure.") Masters does the man-boob-dance and then slams Chavo. Eve swoons for her hero.
Chris Jericho discusses how he's awesome and will surely be named Superstar of the Year. Also, he promises, DX is going to lose at TLC, and Jericho will stay on Raw as long as he wants, thank you very much, no one is going to tell him which show he can or can't appear on. You tell 'em, Chris.
Chris Jericho vs. DX, handicap match: Shawn Michaels and Triple-H tag back and forth on Jericho for a bit. Then Jericho gets pissed and throws the ref at Triple-H, and Michaels comes back in, and here comes Big Show. The ref is out of the picture. They brawl, then a chair and a ladder come into play, and JeriShow use their awesome teamwork to take out DX. Teamy goodness for the win. :)
John Cena, Sheamus, and Mark Cuban are in the ring with a couple of microphones and two tables. Sheamus bellows angrily about how he's so tough and he hasn't lost yet and he's going to kill Cena with tables. Ok. Cena finally has enough and reiterates what he's been saying all along: Sheamus is mean and he talks a good game, but he'd better be ready to take it to the next level. He says that Sheamus impresses him, but doesn't intimidate him. Sheamus doesn't like that, so he flips a table; Cena throws a chair in response. Sheamus shoves Cuban (hey, dude, that was rude and uncalled for), and then kicks Cena and goes to set up a table in the corner. Cuban gets up and shoves Sheamus on his ass (HA!); Sheamus looks shocked, and then he gets up and slams Cuban through the table. Sheamus declares that he's the new WWE champion. (Andy: "No Sheamus, you're not. You attacked an NBA owner. You're probably wanted by the cops.") Then Cuban's basketball team comes running, Sheamus gets himself outta there, and Cena glares after him.
End of show. Nothing really big happened; it was mostly setting things up for the PPV this weekend.
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Paul Marshall: Pulse Wrestling’s Real-Time WWE RAW Report -- 12.07.2009
Andy Wheeler: For Your Consideration... Maverick
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ECW (Dec. 8)
Vladimir Kozlov calls out Ezekiel Jackson, who responds, ready to fight. William Regal manages to break it up and begs them to get along. Then Shelton Benjamin comes out and picks a fight. Regal points out that it's three-on-one, so My Man Christian and Yoshi Tatsu come out to even the odds. Christian and Shelton challenge the heels to a six-man tag match. Regal says they don't have the authority to book matches, so then GM Tiffany comes out and they get their match.
Christian, Shelton Benjamin, & Yoshi Tatsu vs. William Regal, Vladimir Kozlov, & Ezekiel Jackson: With the ECW title hanging over the ring (literally), they go at it, around and around and around. It ends when Jackson goes to tag in Kozlov, and Kozlov walks away; Jackson chases after him and attacks, and Regal follows to break up the fight. Meantime, the ref does the ten-count and they lose the match thanks to their in-fighting.
Post-match, Shelton leaves the ring to attack the heels. Christian grabs a ladder and sets it up in the ring to collect his title belt from its lofty perch. Shelton sees him, jumps up onto the ring apron, and springboards onto the ladder. The ladder almost goes down, but it holds. Shelton meets Christian at the top of the ladder, where they both grab the belt and start arguing.
I can't wait for their match at the PPV. I don't want My Man Christian to lose, of course, but if he dropped the title so he could jump to Smackdown or Raw... I would be ok with that. (Assuming, of course, that he jumped into an interesting plot and got weekly screentime.) Erk, I am SO NERVOUS.
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Chris Shore: Shore's WWE "ECW on SyFy" Live Coverage
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Smackdown (Dec. 11)
Batista is in the ring to denounce Rey Mysterio, Evolution, the fans, and your mom. He doesn't need them or care about what they think of him; it's really just about Batista, in the spotlight, winning the championship. He disses Undertaker, too, for good measure.
Then it's CM Punk's turn to cut a promo. He's back with Luke-formerly-known-as-Festus, and some Jeff Hardy DVDs. Punk says that any parents who buy it for their kids are horrible parents, and might as well give their kids magic mushrooms. As our Straight-Edge Saviour, he symbolically destroys the DVDs. Then R-Truth and Matt Hardy come out with a bag. Truth says it's a "bag of magic" ("mushrooms," my brain adds). Hardy makes like Santa and opens the bag to start handing out Jeff Hardy DVDs to the crowd. Truth sings his "What's Up" song (to which Punk replies, "Straight-Edge!" LOL) and attacks Punk with the microphone.
CM Punk & Luke Gallows vs. R-Truth & Matt Hardy: They fight. Luke wins it for the Team Straight-Edge.
Backstage, Eric Escobar and Vickie Guerrero are arguing in Spanish. Teddy Long pops in to ask for a translation, which Escobar happily supplies: Vickie's fatter than Texas, her breath stinks, and he hates looking at her face. In a fit of rage, Vickie books him against Chris Jericho. Teddy laughs at her.
Elsewhere, Kane runs into Mike Knox. Knox says they're two of a kind, both monsters; Kane says that's not true, only Knox is a monster, and Kane will beat him again. Knox says that Kane will leave as a "broken monster," so Kane starts choking him, but stops when Knox makes some reference to autoerotic asphyxia. Kane walks away. That... was totally weird. And not in a good way.
Chris Jericho vs. Eric Escobar: Escobar holds his own, until Vickie comes out and says that it's now a handicap match. Big Show comes in, and Escobar is toast.
Drew McIntyre cuts a promo about how he's better than John Morrison. He says that the idea of Morrison beating him is as fictional as the Loch Ness Monster (which is TOTALLY REAL!!!) or the movie Braveheart (he feels that William Wallace wasn't faithfully represented). Cue Morrison, dressed as William Wallace, waving a sword and spewing a Scottish accent. They argue and Morrison uses his sword to keep Drew at bay (not like that, geez, you have such dirty minds); Drew challenges Morrison to drop the sword and fight, so Morrison drops the sword and attacks Drew, and Drew runs away.
Kane vs. Mike Knox: Kane wins with a chokeslam.
Mickie James & Maria vs. Michelle McCool & Layla: The heels are wearing "Piggy James" t-shirts. Matt Striker, playing the heel announcer, says that Mickie's hat smells like bacon bits. McCool and Layla lose due to a miscommunication, and they argue after the match.
Batista vs. Rey Mysterio, street fight: Batista takes control to start, but Rey comes back and they battle in and out of the ring. Eventually Batista grabs a chair, and they fight over that for a bit, but Batista finally clobbers Mysterio in the head for the win. After the bell, Batista goes to crush Mysterio for good, but the lights go out and then Undertaker is in the ring. Undertaker beats down Batista and then goes for the chair, and Batista escapes to the floor.
End of show. Street fight? What street fight? Chris Shore: "It was kind of a wussy little street fight."
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Chris Shore: Shore's WWE Smackdown Live Coverage
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Raw (Dec. 7)
We open with tonight's host: Mark Cuban. Then out comes John Cena, for the opening match of the night (weird!):
John Cena vs. Carlito: Ooh, Carlito is toast. Actually, he gets in some offense before Cena takes over. Then Sheamus comes out, but Mark Cuban calls out some security guys to keep him away from the ring. Carlito tries to capitalize on the distraction, Cena counters with the Attitude Adjustment, and that's it for Carlito.
Next, we get Randy Orton and the Legacy boys. Ooh, yes. Randy expects Mark Cuban to name Orton as the next challenger to Cena's title; Mark says it's not going to happen. Further, Mark himself will act as special guest referee in a match tonight between Orton and Kofi Kingston. Ted Dibiase reminds everyone of when Cuban appeared on Raw in 2003 and Orton hit him with an RKO. Cody Rhodes says he wants Cuban tonight (no, not that way, get your minds out of the gutter), stipulating that if Cody wins, Orton gets another shot at Cena. (Cody is a loyal fanboy.) Cuban declines.
Ted Dibiase & Cody Rhodes vs. Evan Bourne & Primo: Oh, god, anybody but Primo. He's ruining the sex match. Ugh... At any rate, Ted and Cody tag back and forth on Primo for a bit. Then Evan (YAY EVAN!) finally gets tagged in against Teddy. They go back and forth, Cody tries to be sneaky but Primo stops him (BOO!), and then Teddy hits Evan anyway with Dream Street for the pin. Legacy wins it. Yay fanboys. :) (Evan, I'm sorry you got stuck with such a crappy tag partner. Call Teddy after he turns face, yeah?) After the match, Cuban bans Legacy from the arena, and here come the security goons to escort them out.
Maryse vs. Gail Kim: Gail is tough, but Maryse fights dirty. Maryse wins, and gets into a catfight with Kelly Kelly (special guest announcer for this match), and then Melina comes out and Maryse leaves.
Backstage with Shawn Michaels and Triple-H, decorating a Christmas tree and exchanging presents. Shawn gives Triple-H a copy of the SD vs. Raw videogame; H gives Shawn his very own Hornswaggle, complete with DX-style "World's Littlest Member" t-shirt. Shawn and Triple-H get into an argument over this, and while they're thus occupied, Hornswaggle climbs up the tree. When they notice him, he dives onto them and steals Shawn's cowboy hat. Run away, Hornswaggle, run!
Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston: With special guest referee Mark Cuban. Gee, I wonder how this is going to turn out? Kofi gets offense to start, then Orton takes over, but Kofi makes a comeback; then they go back and forth, Orton goes for the RKO and Kofi counters, and Cuban gives him a super-fast three-count for the win. Boo-hiss. Randy, if you kill them all now, you can claim temporary insanity and I will totally back you up.
Miz v. Mark Henry, U.S. championship: If Henry wins, I'm rioting. Just a heads-up. And... hey, look at that, Miz is holding his own. Go Miz! Finally, he counters the World's Strongest Slam with a tornado DDT, and Miz gets the win. Awesome.
Hornswaggle & Eve Torres vs. Chavo Guerrero & Jillian Hall: Urgh. Hornswaggle and Chavo face off, but then Hornswaggle tags out and the divas are in. Eve wins. Post-match, Chavo goes after Hornswaggle; Eve tries to talk him down, but Chavo throws Hornswaggle out of the ring, and Eve gets in Chavo's face. Then Chris Masters comes out. (Andy Wheeler: "Please help me, this can't be a Chris Masters face turn. This will cause a rift in the space-time continuum for sure.") Masters does the man-boob-dance and then slams Chavo. Eve swoons for her hero.
Chris Jericho discusses how he's awesome and will surely be named Superstar of the Year. Also, he promises, DX is going to lose at TLC, and Jericho will stay on Raw as long as he wants, thank you very much, no one is going to tell him which show he can or can't appear on. You tell 'em, Chris.
Chris Jericho vs. DX, handicap match: Shawn Michaels and Triple-H tag back and forth on Jericho for a bit. Then Jericho gets pissed and throws the ref at Triple-H, and Michaels comes back in, and here comes Big Show. The ref is out of the picture. They brawl, then a chair and a ladder come into play, and JeriShow use their awesome teamwork to take out DX. Teamy goodness for the win. :)
John Cena, Sheamus, and Mark Cuban are in the ring with a couple of microphones and two tables. Sheamus bellows angrily about how he's so tough and he hasn't lost yet and he's going to kill Cena with tables. Ok. Cena finally has enough and reiterates what he's been saying all along: Sheamus is mean and he talks a good game, but he'd better be ready to take it to the next level. He says that Sheamus impresses him, but doesn't intimidate him. Sheamus doesn't like that, so he flips a table; Cena throws a chair in response. Sheamus shoves Cuban (hey, dude, that was rude and uncalled for), and then kicks Cena and goes to set up a table in the corner. Cuban gets up and shoves Sheamus on his ass (HA!); Sheamus looks shocked, and then he gets up and slams Cuban through the table. Sheamus declares that he's the new WWE champion. (Andy: "No Sheamus, you're not. You attacked an NBA owner. You're probably wanted by the cops.") Then Cuban's basketball team comes running, Sheamus gets himself outta there, and Cena glares after him.
End of show. Nothing really big happened; it was mostly setting things up for the PPV this weekend.
--
Paul Marshall: Pulse Wrestling’s Real-Time WWE RAW Report -- 12.07.2009
Andy Wheeler: For Your Consideration... Maverick
--
ECW (Dec. 8)
Vladimir Kozlov calls out Ezekiel Jackson, who responds, ready to fight. William Regal manages to break it up and begs them to get along. Then Shelton Benjamin comes out and picks a fight. Regal points out that it's three-on-one, so My Man Christian and Yoshi Tatsu come out to even the odds. Christian and Shelton challenge the heels to a six-man tag match. Regal says they don't have the authority to book matches, so then GM Tiffany comes out and they get their match.
Christian, Shelton Benjamin, & Yoshi Tatsu vs. William Regal, Vladimir Kozlov, & Ezekiel Jackson: With the ECW title hanging over the ring (literally), they go at it, around and around and around. It ends when Jackson goes to tag in Kozlov, and Kozlov walks away; Jackson chases after him and attacks, and Regal follows to break up the fight. Meantime, the ref does the ten-count and they lose the match thanks to their in-fighting.
Post-match, Shelton leaves the ring to attack the heels. Christian grabs a ladder and sets it up in the ring to collect his title belt from its lofty perch. Shelton sees him, jumps up onto the ring apron, and springboards onto the ladder. The ladder almost goes down, but it holds. Shelton meets Christian at the top of the ladder, where they both grab the belt and start arguing.
I can't wait for their match at the PPV. I don't want My Man Christian to lose, of course, but if he dropped the title so he could jump to Smackdown or Raw... I would be ok with that. (Assuming, of course, that he jumped into an interesting plot and got weekly screentime.) Erk, I am SO NERVOUS.
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Chris Shore: Shore's WWE "ECW on SyFy" Live Coverage
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Smackdown (Dec. 11)
Batista is in the ring to denounce Rey Mysterio, Evolution, the fans, and your mom. He doesn't need them or care about what they think of him; it's really just about Batista, in the spotlight, winning the championship. He disses Undertaker, too, for good measure.
Then it's CM Punk's turn to cut a promo. He's back with Luke-formerly-known-as-Festus, and some Jeff Hardy DVDs. Punk says that any parents who buy it for their kids are horrible parents, and might as well give their kids magic mushrooms. As our Straight-Edge Saviour, he symbolically destroys the DVDs. Then R-Truth and Matt Hardy come out with a bag. Truth says it's a "bag of magic" ("mushrooms," my brain adds). Hardy makes like Santa and opens the bag to start handing out Jeff Hardy DVDs to the crowd. Truth sings his "What's Up" song (to which Punk replies, "Straight-Edge!" LOL) and attacks Punk with the microphone.
CM Punk & Luke Gallows vs. R-Truth & Matt Hardy: They fight. Luke wins it for the Team Straight-Edge.
Backstage, Eric Escobar and Vickie Guerrero are arguing in Spanish. Teddy Long pops in to ask for a translation, which Escobar happily supplies: Vickie's fatter than Texas, her breath stinks, and he hates looking at her face. In a fit of rage, Vickie books him against Chris Jericho. Teddy laughs at her.
Elsewhere, Kane runs into Mike Knox. Knox says they're two of a kind, both monsters; Kane says that's not true, only Knox is a monster, and Kane will beat him again. Knox says that Kane will leave as a "broken monster," so Kane starts choking him, but stops when Knox makes some reference to autoerotic asphyxia. Kane walks away. That... was totally weird. And not in a good way.
Chris Jericho vs. Eric Escobar: Escobar holds his own, until Vickie comes out and says that it's now a handicap match. Big Show comes in, and Escobar is toast.
Drew McIntyre cuts a promo about how he's better than John Morrison. He says that the idea of Morrison beating him is as fictional as the Loch Ness Monster (which is TOTALLY REAL!!!) or the movie Braveheart (he feels that William Wallace wasn't faithfully represented). Cue Morrison, dressed as William Wallace, waving a sword and spewing a Scottish accent. They argue and Morrison uses his sword to keep Drew at bay (not like that, geez, you have such dirty minds); Drew challenges Morrison to drop the sword and fight, so Morrison drops the sword and attacks Drew, and Drew runs away.
Kane vs. Mike Knox: Kane wins with a chokeslam.
Mickie James & Maria vs. Michelle McCool & Layla: The heels are wearing "Piggy James" t-shirts. Matt Striker, playing the heel announcer, says that Mickie's hat smells like bacon bits. McCool and Layla lose due to a miscommunication, and they argue after the match.
Batista vs. Rey Mysterio, street fight: Batista takes control to start, but Rey comes back and they battle in and out of the ring. Eventually Batista grabs a chair, and they fight over that for a bit, but Batista finally clobbers Mysterio in the head for the win. After the bell, Batista goes to crush Mysterio for good, but the lights go out and then Undertaker is in the ring. Undertaker beats down Batista and then goes for the chair, and Batista escapes to the floor.
End of show. Street fight? What street fight? Chris Shore: "It was kind of a wussy little street fight."
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Chris Shore: Shore's WWE Smackdown Live Coverage
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