I'll be ok if you *sing.*
Click to viewI'm really kind of sick of people telling me what I should, or have to, do about Kevin. If I want relationship advice, I'll ask someone in a good relationship. I know a lot of it is my fault for complaining about how retarded the man is, and the absolute handful that he has been. I don't go on and on about why I do keep him in my life.
He makes me feel loved.
In a way that no one ever has.
In a way that a lot of people go their entire lives in desperate search of and never ever find.
When he smiles at me, I forgive myself for every sin I've ever committed; I let go of all the hurt and pain and abuse from boys-gone-by, and give in; curl up in his love for me and sleep a perfect sleep. He makes me feel ok just the way I am.
He's patient with me.
He doesn't raise his voice at me, or say mean things to me.
He doesn't grab at my body in ways that make me uncomfortable.
I don't ever worry about him being unfaithful.
He supports every crazy ridiculous pipe dream I have, and believes in me, and my ability to achieve those dreams.
He laughs at my jokes.
He doesn't withhold affection or emotionally blackmail me when we do argue.
I never feel not-good-enough around him, and I never have.
As troublesome as the world is when he's beside me I'm not afraid.
He provides me with something that everyone who is telling me to leave him (and it really is pretty much everyone at this point) doesn't have, and wants.
I've watched these people search for it, and look for it, and watched them destroy themselves drinking and drugging and fucking their way through life thinking it's going to get them somewhere loved and secure and able to sleep at night, because that's what everyone else does, so it must work.
I've listened to countless friends not have someone special, and go crazy trying to figure out what to do about it. Waiting for a perfect person, or even better, a plethora of perfect people so they can have their choice of lovely company, to come along and make them happy.
Well guess what? People aren't perfect. People fuck up. People have been fucked up. People are fucked up.
People have parts missing; no one is whole.
Maybe everyone should stop convincing themselves that they need, or even want, a perfect person package and try to just fill in their blanks. Drop the image ideal in their head of their prince or princess and accept people as the frogs and dragons that they are. And if you find that you can't love someone with (or even better, for) their flaws, then the world is going to be a very lonely, scary place.
I am by no means saying that this "excuses" all of the drama this has been over the last year (though I admit the drama keeps things interesting). I'm just saying that the love he and I have is unconditional. And I'm with him because I love him, and because he loves me. I feel like if my main reason for being with him is because I love him and he loves me, it doesn't seem right to leave him unless one or both of those clauses change. And they haven't.