Seventh
I am looking for a dance partner to join me at Lux tonight. I feel no compulsion or curse - I just feel like dancing.
Private
Why? Is that truly what he believes of me? That I hate him for having adored him? That I hate him for his graces and not his flaws? That I want to see him angry in order to mock that anger? That I want to love him so that I can scorn him?
I am ever a fool to hope that the centuries between us can be bridged without this pain. Do these words create deeper wounds or excise the rot?
I have questions without answers and I almost wish that I still believed him dead and lost to me. Then my memories could keep their golden tone. Not even a handful of years out of six hundred, but they hold me in such thrall. Better to return them to their crypt to turn grey with dust and distance.
Private
Why? Is that truly what he believes of me? That I hate him for having adored him? That I hate him for his graces and not his flaws? That I want to see him angry in order to mock that anger? That I want to love him so that I can scorn him?
I am ever a fool to hope that the centuries between us can be bridged without this pain. Do these words create deeper wounds or excise the rot?
I have questions without answers and I almost wish that I still believed him dead and lost to me. Then my memories could keep their golden tone. Not even a handful of years out of six hundred, but they hold me in such thrall. Better to return them to their crypt to turn grey with dust and distance.