Reflections and ruminations on a mother-in-law
I will start off by saying I didn't come into this family, such as it is, intending to hate anyone. I didn't have any particular like or dislike of anyone in Kris's family. They did their thing and had their quirks to look out for. As long as they let me be, I didn't much care one way or the other. I admired some of the things his family members accomplished in their lives and liked some of their qualities, just as I had also heard about their failures and guarded against some of their failings. I wasn't always able to keep Kris from getting sucked into their failures as well, but they were his family, and that was his choice. I've never had a family who looked out for each other. You pretty much succeeded or failed on your own merits. It's tough, but you learn, and you become self-sufficient that way. At least I can deal with my family based on who they are, not on need or debts.
Kris's family, and thus my in-laws, tended to be an anchor that weighed him down and constantly demanded more from him with no gratitude whatsoever, but he felt he owed them on occasion or felt it was his duty on others, and I wasn't going to argue too hard. People tend to have an inexplicable sense of attachment to their families that goes beyond logic and into that realm of emotion and attachment that I don't get more than intellectually. On the positive side, he didn't take it too terribly far. He knew from experience that he had to set limits.
Then there was the end of 2008. Kris's mother was once again in a world of trouble, penniless, without a place to live or transportation. She'd driven off every friend she once had and couldn't con herself into any other place to live. She'd had yet another stroke and wasn't doing too well recovering from this one. She needed a place to stay for just a few weeks until she got paid and could get a new place back in California again. We'd stayed with her before, and while it wasn't ideal and drove Kris nuts, it also wasn't horrible, and this shouldn't last as long. Right??? She said two weeks. Kris figured a month. I figured two months. We were all wrong.
So that was February. Her first night here was a treat with a trip back to 1980-something after she bumped her head during a power outage and wanted her mom (long dead now). She didn't know where she was or who Kris was (he was much younger in the 80's). She asked a lot of questions over and over again, like a toddler. Why? Why? I can understand why, but it still got tiring. She eventually recovered into what passed as her relatively normal state. She cleaned as she didn't have anything else to do. She tried to be helpful, if somewhat domineering with Kris, but whatever. She went to bed early, I hardly had to see her, and she didn't bug Kris too much.
Time passed. April came. Paychecks didn't come. Money got tight. She drank too much and got belligerant. We wouldn't get her more wine, so she stole mine and Kris's alcohol. First it was the wine, most of which I didn't care about, but a couple of bottles I'd been saving for many years also fell to her alcoholism. Also gone was a 100 year-old bottle of tequila brought back from Mexico for our wedding by a coworker of mine. He died the following week. She never apologized or expressed the slightest remorse. I stopped speaking to her after that and avoided her altogether. She was making Kris upset, arguing with him more, and obviously had no respect for us or our things. Neighbors called the police because she was so loud one day when she got drunk. The alcohol got locked away. We bided our time as she had to get paid soon. Then she could go. We started actively thinking of things that might get her out sooner. If she were motivated, she might leave faster.
Enter June. Being paid just at the tips of her fingers. She talked Kris into a celebratory box of wine. Kris gave in. Mistake. She bitched at him all day. No more wine, but that didn't stop her at this point. From this point on, she became more and more abusive of him, blaming everything on him, screaming about things she thought were wrong, just being hideous. Still not when I was around. I did overhear an argument one night where she was bitching about not having anything to eat and starving (despite a full pantry in the kitchen). So, the next day I spent the last of my money on groceries for her. I don't think she ever said thanks for that, either. I think she did bitch to Kris later about what we got not being what she wanted. Whatever.
Here comes July. She has an approved invoice and should be getting paid within 6 weeks. She again, talks Kris into some wine. But wait! Now she is also, unknowingly to us, taking a bunch of hydrocodone. July 1st, I come home to her screaming at Kris in his office. She's livid about gods-knows-what perceived imperfection in his life. He's begging her to stop. I've had it. I tell her she doesn't need to be here. She is free to leave at any point if she doesn't like it here. Living here does not give her the right to make my husband miserable, and she can keep her opinions to herself if she wants to stay. This pisses her off further. We argue for a bit, where she gets increasingly abusive of Kris and myself. I tell her she can stay and shut up or get out and complain all she wants. But while she's in our house, a guest of our hospitality, she is not going to yell at us like that. Kris's head is screaming, and he can't see anything. The migraine is that bad. I'm a fat bitch, a cunt, have no respect for her, and I pay for nothing and do nothing. She is proud and feels so good repeatedly calling me these things, with the triumphant expression on her face of a 4-year-old who is waiting for all hell to break loose because of her magic vocabulary. She seems disappointed by my lack of reaction, so repeats herself a lot. She has lots to say about our marriage, our house, some of our friends. I tell her repeatedly and calmly, without any expletives, that those things are none of her business. This shocks her and angers her further. I ended up calling the police, and asking for assistance in getting and unwanted and verbally abusive visitor out of my home. She hides in her room until the police get here. I explain things to them, and they ask her to leave. She takes a water bottle and leaves. That means she'll be back, but I don't really care at this point. I'm worried about Kris. I tend to Kris, search her room, find the stashed alcohol and dump it. A while later she returns. I don't want her here, but Kris lets her in, and she starts right back at it. I giver her the same choices of stay and shut up or leave and complain all she wants. She gets the idea into her head that she wants to shred my wedding dress. I start to call the police again. She hides in her room where she at elast stays for the night, not quietly. She bangs around in there until at least 3am. I end up sleeping in the closet to get away from the noise. I have work the next day. She also keeps up Gypsy who arrived late with Rey after all the fun.
While I haven't seen her since, she's spent some time bitching at Kris since then. She's not going to apologize, though she seems to recognize that she crossed a line. I doubt she realizes how permanent a line that will prove to be. A friend of hers is taking her away tomorrow morning along with all her things, with any luck, before I even get up. Thank the gods! She won't be coming back. Ever. No matter how much she needs or begs. Kris has repayed her for everything with this. There will be no more.
I feel for her friend. I know he got a taste of it Friday when he took her away for the day last week. He's a nice guy who just lost his wife to cancer. I hope the mother-in-law doesn't make things worse for him. She probably will behave for a little while, as long as she doesn't push the alcohol or drugs too much. It might be enough for her to move on to her own place before she burns that bridge like so many others.
I really don't hold grudges. I don't bother to expend my energy on things that won't change. Hers isn't as much a calculated crazy as it is a lashing out against any and everything. Unfortunately she's really good at tearing things down, and she's horrible at building them up. I feel pity for her above all. She's done this to herself, over and over again in her life, and now she's put an end to her relationship with her son. She's not getting close again. Not ever. I love him too much to let him go through it again. She's not worth hating. And that's a pretty sad thing.
Kris's family, and thus my in-laws, tended to be an anchor that weighed him down and constantly demanded more from him with no gratitude whatsoever, but he felt he owed them on occasion or felt it was his duty on others, and I wasn't going to argue too hard. People tend to have an inexplicable sense of attachment to their families that goes beyond logic and into that realm of emotion and attachment that I don't get more than intellectually. On the positive side, he didn't take it too terribly far. He knew from experience that he had to set limits.
Then there was the end of 2008. Kris's mother was once again in a world of trouble, penniless, without a place to live or transportation. She'd driven off every friend she once had and couldn't con herself into any other place to live. She'd had yet another stroke and wasn't doing too well recovering from this one. She needed a place to stay for just a few weeks until she got paid and could get a new place back in California again. We'd stayed with her before, and while it wasn't ideal and drove Kris nuts, it also wasn't horrible, and this shouldn't last as long. Right??? She said two weeks. Kris figured a month. I figured two months. We were all wrong.
So that was February. Her first night here was a treat with a trip back to 1980-something after she bumped her head during a power outage and wanted her mom (long dead now). She didn't know where she was or who Kris was (he was much younger in the 80's). She asked a lot of questions over and over again, like a toddler. Why? Why? I can understand why, but it still got tiring. She eventually recovered into what passed as her relatively normal state. She cleaned as she didn't have anything else to do. She tried to be helpful, if somewhat domineering with Kris, but whatever. She went to bed early, I hardly had to see her, and she didn't bug Kris too much.
Time passed. April came. Paychecks didn't come. Money got tight. She drank too much and got belligerant. We wouldn't get her more wine, so she stole mine and Kris's alcohol. First it was the wine, most of which I didn't care about, but a couple of bottles I'd been saving for many years also fell to her alcoholism. Also gone was a 100 year-old bottle of tequila brought back from Mexico for our wedding by a coworker of mine. He died the following week. She never apologized or expressed the slightest remorse. I stopped speaking to her after that and avoided her altogether. She was making Kris upset, arguing with him more, and obviously had no respect for us or our things. Neighbors called the police because she was so loud one day when she got drunk. The alcohol got locked away. We bided our time as she had to get paid soon. Then she could go. We started actively thinking of things that might get her out sooner. If she were motivated, she might leave faster.
Enter June. Being paid just at the tips of her fingers. She talked Kris into a celebratory box of wine. Kris gave in. Mistake. She bitched at him all day. No more wine, but that didn't stop her at this point. From this point on, she became more and more abusive of him, blaming everything on him, screaming about things she thought were wrong, just being hideous. Still not when I was around. I did overhear an argument one night where she was bitching about not having anything to eat and starving (despite a full pantry in the kitchen). So, the next day I spent the last of my money on groceries for her. I don't think she ever said thanks for that, either. I think she did bitch to Kris later about what we got not being what she wanted. Whatever.
Here comes July. She has an approved invoice and should be getting paid within 6 weeks. She again, talks Kris into some wine. But wait! Now she is also, unknowingly to us, taking a bunch of hydrocodone. July 1st, I come home to her screaming at Kris in his office. She's livid about gods-knows-what perceived imperfection in his life. He's begging her to stop. I've had it. I tell her she doesn't need to be here. She is free to leave at any point if she doesn't like it here. Living here does not give her the right to make my husband miserable, and she can keep her opinions to herself if she wants to stay. This pisses her off further. We argue for a bit, where she gets increasingly abusive of Kris and myself. I tell her she can stay and shut up or get out and complain all she wants. But while she's in our house, a guest of our hospitality, she is not going to yell at us like that. Kris's head is screaming, and he can't see anything. The migraine is that bad. I'm a fat bitch, a cunt, have no respect for her, and I pay for nothing and do nothing. She is proud and feels so good repeatedly calling me these things, with the triumphant expression on her face of a 4-year-old who is waiting for all hell to break loose because of her magic vocabulary. She seems disappointed by my lack of reaction, so repeats herself a lot. She has lots to say about our marriage, our house, some of our friends. I tell her repeatedly and calmly, without any expletives, that those things are none of her business. This shocks her and angers her further. I ended up calling the police, and asking for assistance in getting and unwanted and verbally abusive visitor out of my home. She hides in her room until the police get here. I explain things to them, and they ask her to leave. She takes a water bottle and leaves. That means she'll be back, but I don't really care at this point. I'm worried about Kris. I tend to Kris, search her room, find the stashed alcohol and dump it. A while later she returns. I don't want her here, but Kris lets her in, and she starts right back at it. I giver her the same choices of stay and shut up or leave and complain all she wants. She gets the idea into her head that she wants to shred my wedding dress. I start to call the police again. She hides in her room where she at elast stays for the night, not quietly. She bangs around in there until at least 3am. I end up sleeping in the closet to get away from the noise. I have work the next day. She also keeps up Gypsy who arrived late with Rey after all the fun.
While I haven't seen her since, she's spent some time bitching at Kris since then. She's not going to apologize, though she seems to recognize that she crossed a line. I doubt she realizes how permanent a line that will prove to be. A friend of hers is taking her away tomorrow morning along with all her things, with any luck, before I even get up. Thank the gods! She won't be coming back. Ever. No matter how much she needs or begs. Kris has repayed her for everything with this. There will be no more.
I feel for her friend. I know he got a taste of it Friday when he took her away for the day last week. He's a nice guy who just lost his wife to cancer. I hope the mother-in-law doesn't make things worse for him. She probably will behave for a little while, as long as she doesn't push the alcohol or drugs too much. It might be enough for her to move on to her own place before she burns that bridge like so many others.
I really don't hold grudges. I don't bother to expend my energy on things that won't change. Hers isn't as much a calculated crazy as it is a lashing out against any and everything. Unfortunately she's really good at tearing things down, and she's horrible at building them up. I feel pity for her above all. She's done this to herself, over and over again in her life, and now she's put an end to her relationship with her son. She's not getting close again. Not ever. I love him too much to let him go through it again. She's not worth hating. And that's a pretty sad thing.