(Untitled)

[amaranth118]

I started a new story. Not sure where it's going, or if I'll even finish it, but feedback of any kind would be highly appreciated. Thank you

Comments

[morparma118]

I liked it. The last line's creepy and I wanna know where it's goin'.

The only thing that really jumped out at me was the very first line. I've been trying to figure out why and it could be that it's just the shoke form the present tense that didn't even occur to me as I was reading it the first time or it could be that you don't know it's first person till the second sentence and the tone doesn't work with third-person which is sort of the default perspective to me (although I suppose it shouldn't be since first person is the standard now, I think).

[amaranth118]

Yeah, that first line gave me fits. I wanted to establish a place and mood right off the bat without to much explanation. I hate long expository opening paragraphs, and I wanted to get straight to the action. I think I was just trying to get too much into such a short sentence. I'll try to rewrite it today. And I think I have an ending. I started thinking up stuff like mad when I was in bed trying to go to sleep. I just hope I remember it all now.

Thanks for replying so promptly. I knew I could count on you for useful criticism. Call me, I have today and Wednesday off.

[baslug]

this isnt exactly helpful criticism... but that line about her word in the spelling bee brought back a memory of me talking to my very drunk uncle on the phone when i was in middle school. he asked how i was doing in school and especially if i was doing well in english. i told him that indeed i was doing well... "oh yeah? spell 'aardvark'!" he demanded.

that word makes me laugh far more than it should.

i dig the story.

[amaranth118]

You know, I picked that word partially because I've seen it spelled wrongly so many times, but mostly cuz it's just damn funny.

Glad you dig. Stay cool, cat.