(no subject)
I'm not sure how to write this or if at all; not that in life. nothing really matters anyway or at all. Someone from my past found me on FaceBook. Someone that was once very special to me. Someone that was ripped from me because he wasn't the 'right' person I should be dating and 'didn't serve to my well being'. Serious parental control. I was 15 at the time. And heart broken and angry. I thought I had grown past my own past. That issues has been resolved. That my own head was on straight. And as you all know, I don't use real names in here, so I'll call that person Heart.
I remember a few years ago, Heart tried calling me. Out of the blue. I remember I had a hundred issues going on at the time, looking down at the phone and saying, "oh.shit." as a thousand mom and dad statements rolled thru my head as warnings and signals. I listened to the phone message, wrote down the numbers in red, and did nothing more. I was curious but my parents really traumatized me as a teen for whom I tried to date. The past rolled thru my brain and I thought I would call Heart back but I never did. I realize NOW, RIGHT NOW, that was a complete and total mistake. But I was doing the best that I could at that time and life marched on.
Fast forward to last week. I joined FB. Within hours of joining FB, Heart sent a friend request. I think I panicked for a few hours. Searched him out on Google. Decided in my head that it would be a good thing to add him. I was curious, very curious, as to where life had led him in the last TWENTY FIVE years. And was touched after so many years, that he even wanted to look ME up. That pleased me. Immensely so.
Heart and I spent a couple of hours in chat over several days...catching up. He became pretty successful, scored a BA in computer science, worked for a fortune 500 company and now is living in another country with a beautiful wife and even more adorable babies. I was enjoying talking to him and learning about his life. And was happy I had a new/old friend...someone I could really talk to about a lot of different things.
I hadn't been in the chat program of FB for the past few days. One, to keep my own head on straight and Two, so if I was in chat, I wouldn't say something totally stupid. Instead, there was light email banter going on between me and him. I tried to be honest in few words that I was feeling the past all over again and I was having a hard time. My parents had RIPPED us apart, I was young and deeply in love with Heart, and they broke us up. Perhaps, with good parental reasoning, it was the right thing to do BUT it hurt me deeply, made me untrusting of anyone I've ever dated, and set the precedant for all my future prospects--noone was ever good enough. Talking to him has brought up a lot of emotional stuff that had been hidden for years. And in some ways, am still that 15 year old girl. Don't get me wrong, 25 years gone, he's happily married and I get that aspect. There's a lot to write about this but words are failing.
And now, today, I notice I'm down by one friend. Heart has erased himself completely from me. His name is blackened out from the search part of FB. Gone completely again, just like 25 years ago. Ripped from me. I didn't save his email addy. I saw it but like so many things, didn't write it down. Luckily for me, I had saved two piccies of him and his wife and babies. And now, that's all I have left. No way to contact him at all. Another piece of the past burnt in flames and I find myself infinitesimally sad as tears flow once again making puddle in the sand.
...
I remember a few years ago, Heart tried calling me. Out of the blue. I remember I had a hundred issues going on at the time, looking down at the phone and saying, "oh.shit." as a thousand mom and dad statements rolled thru my head as warnings and signals. I listened to the phone message, wrote down the numbers in red, and did nothing more. I was curious but my parents really traumatized me as a teen for whom I tried to date. The past rolled thru my brain and I thought I would call Heart back but I never did. I realize NOW, RIGHT NOW, that was a complete and total mistake. But I was doing the best that I could at that time and life marched on.
Fast forward to last week. I joined FB. Within hours of joining FB, Heart sent a friend request. I think I panicked for a few hours. Searched him out on Google. Decided in my head that it would be a good thing to add him. I was curious, very curious, as to where life had led him in the last TWENTY FIVE years. And was touched after so many years, that he even wanted to look ME up. That pleased me. Immensely so.
Heart and I spent a couple of hours in chat over several days...catching up. He became pretty successful, scored a BA in computer science, worked for a fortune 500 company and now is living in another country with a beautiful wife and even more adorable babies. I was enjoying talking to him and learning about his life. And was happy I had a new/old friend...someone I could really talk to about a lot of different things.
I hadn't been in the chat program of FB for the past few days. One, to keep my own head on straight and Two, so if I was in chat, I wouldn't say something totally stupid. Instead, there was light email banter going on between me and him. I tried to be honest in few words that I was feeling the past all over again and I was having a hard time. My parents had RIPPED us apart, I was young and deeply in love with Heart, and they broke us up. Perhaps, with good parental reasoning, it was the right thing to do BUT it hurt me deeply, made me untrusting of anyone I've ever dated, and set the precedant for all my future prospects--noone was ever good enough. Talking to him has brought up a lot of emotional stuff that had been hidden for years. And in some ways, am still that 15 year old girl. Don't get me wrong, 25 years gone, he's happily married and I get that aspect. There's a lot to write about this but words are failing.
And now, today, I notice I'm down by one friend. Heart has erased himself completely from me. His name is blackened out from the search part of FB. Gone completely again, just like 25 years ago. Ripped from me. I didn't save his email addy. I saw it but like so many things, didn't write it down. Luckily for me, I had saved two piccies of him and his wife and babies. And now, that's all I have left. No way to contact him at all. Another piece of the past burnt in flames and I find myself infinitesimally sad as tears flow once again making puddle in the sand.
...