Worst Easter Ever
AREA MOTHER TAKES NOSE-DIVE ONTO CONCRETE,
SPENDS EASTER IN E.R.
I thought long and hard about how to present this story. A newspaper article? A parody of Alice's Restaurant? Finally I settled on the timeline you see below, mostly because I wanted to talk about the rest of the Easter experience too.
Our Sunday plans:
-Dad gets up super-early to spray the orchard
-We get up soon after for sunrise service, which Mom is playing the piano for, then breakfast at church, then actual (not-sunrise) church
-Mom drives Jon to Grandma's
What actually happened:
SATURDAY:
9:00 Wake up. Clean turtle tank, pack, water plants.
12:00-2:30 Drive home.
5:00 Easter dinner. A slightly sparse offering with ham, mashed potatoes, and green beans. The ham is outstanding. I eat the equivalent of a sixth of an entire hog, or three piglets. There's also some dessert made of, from the top down:
5:30 Everyone's tongue fades from green back to the normal color.
6:00 Both parents head out to the apple stand to set up for spraying (insect repellant in this case) the next day. I stay home to play Scrabble and Battleship with my brother. He's not very good at Scrabble; I know he gets the gist of it, because he got two excellent plays unprompted, but it's a) too hard and b) very boring. He only really enjoyed mixing up his tiles and making me say out loud the nonsense words they made.
7:00 Parents return. Mom comes straight up to me asking, "Does it look like I have a fat lip?" It doesn't particularly. "Oh, good. I fell down at the stand."
7:00-8:00 The extent of her injuries becomes clear. She tripped on part of the (extremely large) roadside sign and went flat down, head-first into the concrete floor. Scar tally includes: a bruise in the middle of her upper lip, a walloping big lump on her right knee, two skinned ankles, and a sore left arm. We turn on The Ten Commandments on TV.
8:00-9:00 foxyfennec calls, we have a lovely chat. I tell her that my family is "fine." This turns out to be a lie.
9:00 The parents go to bed. Mom moves like a pre-oilcan tinman. Dad snickers a little because she's going to be cooped up in a tiny car for three hours the next day, delivering my brother to my grandmother's house--and also because she's scheduled to play the piano in church tomorrow and can hardly move her fingers.
9:00-10:00 Jon and I play Scattergories. He completely kicks my butt. We play six rounds at his request. Probably this is because The Ten Commandments is still on, which he finds about as interesting as Scrabble.
10:00 I go to a very cold bed. This isn't unusual in that house, it's always cold.
12:00 I fall asleep. Cold.
SUNDAY:
4:00 a.m. I wake up. Cold. Extremely cold.
5:00 a.m. The bedroom door opens.
I am alert enough to ask if there's anything I can do to help (nothing), but not alert enough to refuse the offer of a warm bed. Grab pillow and go.
5:00-6:00 We lay there partially-warm. Neither sleeps. Mom is in great pain.
6:00 We call the other piano player at church--not there--and then the pastor--also not there--and leave a groggy-sounding message with the equally groggy-sounding pastor's wife. Silent decision that we are not making it to sunrise service.
6:00-8:00 Miraculously, we both catch 40 winks apiece.
8:15 Daphne from church calls. The news has spread; she wants to know how Mom is. I answer the phone because Mom cannot push the button and hold the phone at the same time. Offers to drive her in to the E.R. No, we'll wait for Dad. We wake up Jon and I make him a beautiful omelet. Out-loud decision that we are not making it to regular church either.
10:00 Dad gets home.
11:00 After I drive him out to pick up the tractor, they go to the E.R.
12:00 Paul from church calls to say that if Mom didn't want to play the piano, she could have just said so.
1:00 Lene from church calls to say that Mom is clumsier than her husband.
1:30 They return! Mom's in a sling but no cast. The pain is residual from her having popped her elbow out of place. She has the sling for a week, is allowed to drive, and is supposed to keep it moving. Relief all around. Dad spent half of last year with an injured arm, and the lesson we all learned was that it takes four arms to run that household. Jon's don't count.
2:00 Ribs for lunch!
3:00 And go our separate ways. Jon gets to go to Grandma's after all...but Dad drives.
SPENDS EASTER IN E.R.
I thought long and hard about how to present this story. A newspaper article? A parody of Alice's Restaurant? Finally I settled on the timeline you see below, mostly because I wanted to talk about the rest of the Easter experience too.
Our Sunday plans:
-Dad gets up super-early to spray the orchard
-We get up soon after for sunrise service, which Mom is playing the piano for, then breakfast at church, then actual (not-sunrise) church
-Mom drives Jon to Grandma's
What actually happened:
SATURDAY:
9:00 Wake up. Clean turtle tank, pack, water plants.
12:00-2:30 Drive home.
5:00 Easter dinner. A slightly sparse offering with ham, mashed potatoes, and green beans. The ham is outstanding. I eat the equivalent of a sixth of an entire hog, or three piglets. There's also some dessert made of, from the top down:
- Coconut
White chocolate pudding
Bananas
More coconut, dyed poison-green. This, according to my mother, is "grass."
5:30 Everyone's tongue fades from green back to the normal color.
6:00 Both parents head out to the apple stand to set up for spraying (insect repellant in this case) the next day. I stay home to play Scrabble and Battleship with my brother. He's not very good at Scrabble; I know he gets the gist of it, because he got two excellent plays unprompted, but it's a) too hard and b) very boring. He only really enjoyed mixing up his tiles and making me say out loud the nonsense words they made.
- Jon: *points to tiles*
Me: SVUUTGJ
Jon: *dies*
7:00 Parents return. Mom comes straight up to me asking, "Does it look like I have a fat lip?" It doesn't particularly. "Oh, good. I fell down at the stand."
7:00-8:00 The extent of her injuries becomes clear. She tripped on part of the (extremely large) roadside sign and went flat down, head-first into the concrete floor. Scar tally includes: a bruise in the middle of her upper lip, a walloping big lump on her right knee, two skinned ankles, and a sore left arm. We turn on The Ten Commandments on TV.
8:00-9:00 foxyfennec calls, we have a lovely chat. I tell her that my family is "fine." This turns out to be a lie.
9:00 The parents go to bed. Mom moves like a pre-oilcan tinman. Dad snickers a little because she's going to be cooped up in a tiny car for three hours the next day, delivering my brother to my grandmother's house--and also because she's scheduled to play the piano in church tomorrow and can hardly move her fingers.
9:00-10:00 Jon and I play Scattergories. He completely kicks my butt. We play six rounds at his request. Probably this is because The Ten Commandments is still on, which he finds about as interesting as Scrabble.
10:00 I go to a very cold bed. This isn't unusual in that house, it's always cold.
12:00 I fall asleep. Cold.
SUNDAY:
4:00 a.m. I wake up. Cold. Extremely cold.
5:00 a.m. The bedroom door opens.
- Mom: Aren't you cold??
Me: Y-y-yes.
Mom: Dad left to spray. He thinks I broke my arm. We're going to the emergency room when he gets back. Come over here and get in our bed under the electric blanket.
I am alert enough to ask if there's anything I can do to help (nothing), but not alert enough to refuse the offer of a warm bed. Grab pillow and go.
5:00-6:00 We lay there partially-warm. Neither sleeps. Mom is in great pain.
6:00 We call the other piano player at church--not there--and then the pastor--also not there--and leave a groggy-sounding message with the equally groggy-sounding pastor's wife. Silent decision that we are not making it to sunrise service.
6:00-8:00 Miraculously, we both catch 40 winks apiece.
8:15 Daphne from church calls. The news has spread; she wants to know how Mom is. I answer the phone because Mom cannot push the button and hold the phone at the same time. Offers to drive her in to the E.R. No, we'll wait for Dad. We wake up Jon and I make him a beautiful omelet. Out-loud decision that we are not making it to regular church either.
10:00 Dad gets home.
11:00 After I drive him out to pick up the tractor, they go to the E.R.
12:00 Paul from church calls to say that if Mom didn't want to play the piano, she could have just said so.
1:00 Lene from church calls to say that Mom is clumsier than her husband.
1:30 They return! Mom's in a sling but no cast. The pain is residual from her having popped her elbow out of place. She has the sling for a week, is allowed to drive, and is supposed to keep it moving. Relief all around. Dad spent half of last year with an injured arm, and the lesson we all learned was that it takes four arms to run that household. Jon's don't count.
2:00 Ribs for lunch!
3:00 And go our separate ways. Jon gets to go to Grandma's after all...but Dad drives.